It’s the middle of the night where I am at and all I want to do is cry. If you have been reading my blog you know I have struggling a great deal with my depression as well as with grief and loss. Struggling enough to where I felt it was in the best interest of the clients I serve and my recovery to resign from a job I worked endlessly to get and loved with a passion.
Anyone who as ever dealt with a mental health condition knows that there will be times where a relapse in our symptoms occur. Unfortunately, this relapse in my symptoms is lasting a bit longer than expected. More or less what I am saying is I am not bouncing back as quickly as I have in recent years.
The thing that hasn’t helped matters much is that things haven’t been all that consistent with my therapy. No fault to anyone. As many of you know Diana suddenly left the agency where I seek mental health services at due to cancer which is still hard on me. So, I was assigned a new therapist who happened to be the direct supervisor of Diana which was quite helpful for me. Then she left to go on to bigger and better things which got me a new therapist.
A therapist that appears to care. She seems like an older, shorter version of Diana with straighter and grayer hair. As far as the sense of humor part of things, I’m not really sure as I’ve only had three sessions with her but she appears to have a caring heart like Diana. Granted my new therapist is not a Social Worker but that is okay because she use to be a nurse which means she has the heart of Social Worker. I realize I shouldn’t be picky on the degree of the therapist just as long as they have a degree in a field to where the person can practice therapy with the right licensure but in my experience those who have a degree in Social Work seem to work best for me. So for me my new therapist having a degree in nursing helps a great deal as nurses have some pretty big and caring hearts.
As far as me being up in the middling of the night wanting to cry is that I woke up with a nightmare. A nightmare due to childhood trauma. Any type of trauma sucks shit especially trauma you are still working on in therapy 30 years after it started. I hope that one day I can handle the after affects of the trauma without needing therapy but one can only hope.
For me hope is the only thing I have right now. Hope that I can get back to doing well enough to go back to work. I miss work but then again my recovery is extremely important. It is hope that I must hold on to as I know how doing well feels. It is my hope that I can be back to doing well.
Being well is something I want to get back to and I think attempting get back to sleep is part of getting well. Have a great night all and peace out.