Good Morning & Happy Pride

Good Morning and Happy Pride!!! I just wanted to wish everyone a good morning and happy pride. I’m looking forward to what is to come today. If you read my post from yesterday, you know I will be volunteering at my local Pride Parade by helping out with crowd control.

As much as I am looking forward to today events, I have to be prepared that it’s going to be a long day.  Granted a long day that will be a good day or at least I’m going to attempt that today will be a good.

The part I am most looking forward the most is making new friends through volunteering and seeing current friends along the parade route. For me friends are a key to my recovery even if they are unaware of my mental health condition. Having a good support system such as friends are key to anyone’s recovery.

Being in recovery is extremely important to me which is why I have chosen to volunteer for Pride this year. It will help me get out of my head which leads me to needing to end this post. I need to eat breakfast and make sure I have everything for the day. I hope to post about my experience of today later on this evening. Have a wonderful day. Have fun and Peace Out!!!


It’s Beginning To Feel Like Summer

It’s beginning to feel like summer and I’m loving it. The weather hasn’t necessarily been the best in my neck of the woods so when its finally nice out, I take advantage of the weather. Its suppose to be in the mid-eighties to high-eighties today. Tomorrow it’s suppose to hit 95 degrees and a lot of the “locals” aren’t exactly happy about it. Ninety-five degrees is a wee bit “hot” for them. I, of course love the hot weather due to growing up in California.

The one thing I’ve learned from growing up in California is to stay hydrated and to slather yourself in sun block. I say this because tomorrow I will be volunteering at the Pride Parade helping out with crowd control. As much as I am looking forward to helping out, it’s causing some anxiety. I’m not sure why it’s causing anxiety but it is. I, however won’t let anxiety get in the way from allowing me to enjoy the events of Pride weekend.

One of the things, I am doing this weekend to celebrate pride besides volunteering at the Pride Parade is attending a picnic with friends and lots of food. In fact I am attending the picnic today. I always look forward to enjoying food with my friends. Friends who love me and care about me no matter what. Friends who accept me as me.

I need to get going as I need to finish one of the dishes, I am taking to the picnic. I hope everyone enjoys their weekend. Happy Pride and Peace Out!!!


Fighting Off A Ton Of Bricks

I’m feeling frustrated with myself. I’m feeling frustrated because anytime I see any type of progress or improvement it appears that I fall and fall hard. Depression is hitting me like a ton of bricks and with a vengeance yet people in my life are helping me fight like hell to make sure it doesn’t win the fight.

The reason why my friends as well as my treatment team are fighting like hell along side with me against the depression is because two weeks ago, I attempted suicide on two separate occasions. The scary thing in all of this is that I haven’t attempted suicide in nine years which is of course is why everyone is concerned. For whatever reason, I didn’t end up on an inpatient psych unit which if I really look back on it, is concerning in itself but am grateful that I didn’t end up on an inpatient unit.

I’m grateful that I didn’t end up an inpatient unit for many reasons. The main reason is that it helps me, help myself without having someone readily available to depend on at all hours of the day and night.  Being able to not have people readily available in an instant has me focus on my DBT skills. Skills, I know that will help me and able to do not being on an inpatient unit because if I was on an inpatient unit I wouldn’t be able to use some of the skill most useful to me due to “safety” which I understand. Being part of an inpatient unit is to learn new skills as well as to practice the healthy skills you already have. If one cannot not practice healthy coping skills due to safety reasons how can one be able to practice them.

One such skill is listening to music on my  smart phone or Discman because both will require headphones. Headphones can be use to strangle yourself or someone else and understand why it’s a safety issue. Listening to music is one of the most helpful and useful skills I have. Listening to music helps me get myself in a better head space especially if I am highly escalated. If I’m highly escalated, listening to music puts me into a better head space to where I can come up with other skills that help me. In fact those other skills are usually are skills that bring out the creative side of me.

One such creative outlet also involves music. I play the flute and have been playing it since I was 12. I have never been the best at playing the flute nor have I claimed being a good flautist but its something I love to do. Playing the flute gives me a sense of self-confidence, I normally don’t have when I’m not playing it or any other musical instrument. In fact learning to play the harmonica and recorder also gives that same sense of self-confidence the flute does. Granted, learning to play a musical instrument is challenging but if it helps me get outside of myself as well as help with my self-confidence, then I’m going to accept the challenge.

Art is another creative challenge I take on as yet another skill that helps a great deal. My art form right now is collaging and coloring or combination of both. There is something soothing about looking through magazines, news papers and such searching for the right picture or word to cut out. Pasting the chosen cut outs onto a piece of paper and seeing it come into a piece of art is a thrill in of itself. Another thrill I get is seeing a finish coloring page. Looking at a colorful piece of art and knowing you created gives a person a sense of accomplishment.

On the topic of accomplishment, I get sense of accomplishment whenever I write. Whether I write via blogging, journaling, or a newsletter, its another outlet for me to be creative. I love to write. My love for writing is what helped me make the decision to start my blog. One of my favorite genre’s to write is poetry. Poetry helps me get what I need to get out emotionally. Since it helps me emotionally and I didn’t finish the Intro to Poetry course WordPress offers. The poetry course will not only help me emotionally, it will help me get back into the swing of things regarding blogging on the regular basis. Blogging on the regular basis will also keep you the reader more interested in checking on my blog more regular to see what I have to say. Another thing I like to do in regards to writing is to do writing prompts. Writing prompts can help one be more open with what is going on emotionally as the prompt can be one that has you write about something in real life. Prompts can also cause one to be creative and imaginative. Something that I am highly considering to do again is to start my weekly writing prompt as part of my blog.

As you can tell being creative is what ultimately helps me and being on an impatient unit can hinder me be creative for a number of reasons and most of them are legit. I am not condoning needing to be on an impatient unit as they are helpful and maybe I should have been hospitalized especially after the second attempt in matter of three days but am grateful I was not. In the last two weeks since the second attempt I’ve done a lot of thinking and soul searching. I found that I need to start being more creative and honest with myself.

Since I’m needing to be honest with myself, I realize I’m needing to end this post to start my going to bed routine. That includes watching the eleven o’clock news and The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon with a cup of hot tea. Have a good night everyone and peace out!!!

SIDE NOTE: I want to make it clear that I am NOT currently suicidal. I also want to make it clear that I am currently NOT experiencing any suicidal thoughts or suicide ideation.

Poetry, Day Four: Journey

Fork in the Road

by Gertie

There is a fork in the road

Which way to go.

Continue on the miserable journey you already know

or choose the one less traveled one.

What the hell?

It couldn’t be any worse than the journey,

I’m already on.

Turns out that fork in road changed

my life I would have never imagined.

A life worth living.

A life in recovery.

Something that wouldn’t have happened if

I didn’t have that fork in the road

to choose what recovery journey I wanted to take.

Poetry, Day Three: Friend

Untitled Poem

by Gertie

Looking back on life,

its the friends that helped me through the rough moments.

Friends that have become family

and accepted me as me;

no matter what life throws at us

our friendship will always

be strong.

Poetry, Day Two: Face

Face Full of Pain

by Gertie

Look at their face,

you wont see the pain that they hide.

Look at their arms full of scars,

you might get a hint of the pain,

they deal with everyday.

You don’t care

as you fear they might

harm you.

Look at their face,

deep inside their eyes,

then and only then

you will see the pain

they are really in.

Slight Progress

Today, I had an extremely productive day. As productive as it was, I would say the most difficult yet rewarding part of the day was my session with my therapist.

I talked about some difficult shit with my therapist without disclosing too much and after a long silence my therapist asked me what I was feeling as well as to look at her when I told her what I feeling. This is something Diana would have done and in all honesty my new therapist doing this helped me gain trust in her. She also noticed my body language and asked what was going on within my body which is something else Diana would have done.  We talked through what was going on emotionally and physically as the physical stuff was related to the emotional stuff. We also discussed other things and a couple of the other things we discussed, my therapist challenged me on. Challenged me in a good way. All in all I felt like I made some progress with her. Progress that I am happy with.

I have a lot more to say but I just wanted to let you know I made some progress with my therapist today. Again, thank you for reading. Peace Out!!!

Improving My Blogging Skills, Once Again

I’ve been thinking a great deal over the past week about doing one of WordPress’s courses on blogging.  I’ve decided I’m going be re-taking WordPress’s “Intro To Poetry.” I took it a few years ago and enjoy it immensely so I’ve decided to take it again.

As you may already know if you read my blog on the regular basis is that, I’ve been struggling with blogging the last seven or so months due to a relapse in my mental health diagnosis. I figure if I do one of the blogging courses that it will help me get back into blogging on the regular basis. If I blog on the regular basis then maybe, things will start improving a lot more in regards to my mental health.

I apologize for the short post but it is goal to keep you the reader, reading. Have an good week everyone. Peace out!!!

Nightmares Suck Shit

I woke up from a nightmare. Anyone who has PTSD know all too well on how much nightmares suck shit. It wasn’t the worst nightmare I have had but it was one of the most difficult nightmares I have had.

I am beyond grateful that Junior is a major support for me. He is always willing to stay up with me if I am unable to go back to sleep after a nightmare. For instance he is up with at this moment in time. He turned on some music which he knows helps me a great deal especially after a nightmare. Now he is warming up some brownies he made for dessert. Junior added chocolate chips to the brownies when he baked them so they would be more chocolatey. He knows how much I love chocolate. He just brought me some milk to go with the brownies. There is nothing like the person who loves you helping you through a difficult moment.

I think I’m going to end this post to cuddle with Junior while listening to music and eating brownies and drinking milk as he supports me after a difficult nightmare. Thank you for reading!!!