Mental Illness, Miscarriage and Recovery

Happy Friday!!! It’s the start of another weekend and not just any weekend; Superbowl weekend. Like many other people in America, Junior and myself are preparing to watch the Superbowl with friends. In fact we are hosting a Superbowl party. As stressful it is to prepare for such an event, I am looking forward both preparing for it and being a part of the party.

I am looking forward to it, not only because the Seattle Seahawks are going back to the Superbowl but because it is going to be an enormous distraction for both Junior and I. It’s going to be a distraction because, I miscarried. It’s been a rough couple of weeks for both Junior and myself. We were looking forward to becoming parents. We were really hopeful that I would carry to term this pregnancy because I had made it to 20 week mark and ended up miscarrying at 20 1/2 weeks. The reason why Junior and I thought I was in the clear was because I miscarried another set of twins at 19 weeks and were told that once I hit the 20 week mark that the risk of miscarriage goes down substantially. Loosing a child is the greatest pain a person can endure. I know this because, I’ve lost children through miscarriage and have dealt with some severe childhood trauma.

Grieving is not an easy thing to do especially when it comes to loosing a child however it is something I will be able to work through with the help of others. Asking help from others is not an easy thing for me to do, however it is a sign that I am in recovery. I would be lying to you if I told you I wasn’t struggling with the miscarriage because I am struggling with my miscarriage big time. Suicide has even crossed my mind the last couple a weeks. Don’t worry I am NOT going to attempt or commit suicide because I have too much to live for plus I have the skills and support that I need to help me through this pain. Part of my recovery is letting people who love and care about me, help me through this difficult time of my life.

Recovery looks differently to everybody and part of my recovery is this blog. Blogging about the miscarriage is a difficult thing to do. I think miscarriage, just like mental illness is something that people don’t really discuss. I am not really sure why people don’t discuss miscarriages but I know why people don’t discuss mental illness. Mental illness has a lot of shame and stigma attached  to it. It is for that shame and stigma with mental illness is why I share myself with you all (and try to educate). If I wasn’t in recovery, I really don’t think I would be able to keep myself safe from self-harm or suicide in dealing with the miscarriage. It is because of my recovery I am able to be doing as well as I am after loosing a set of twins due to miscarriage.

I was hoping that I would be able to blog more however it is getting a little difficult for me to do so at the moment. I need to go and allow myself to grieve. I hope to be able to blog sometime on Superbowl Sunday. Have good weekend everyone. Peace out and GO SEAHAWKS!!!

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Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year!!! 2015 is going to be another great year. I know at this point of year I don’t know what it will bring however I am expecting that it will be a great year despite the potential of possible struggles. The coming year will a year of many changes for me.

The changes for me in the coming year are both exciting and overwhelming. I am going to become a mama of twins in late May according to my due date. I am also getting married in August. (FYI: The wedding was already in the works of being planned before pregnancy.) Becoming a mama and a wife in the same year is a pretty major deal. I am ecstatic about becoming a mama and a wife. I would be lying to you if I told you that I wasn’t a little scared of all these changes because I am. In fact I am scared as hell. I have learned throughout the years that good changes can be overwhelming and I am fine with that.

It being the New Year, many people make resolutions. I don’t make resolutions, however I do make goals for the New Year. This year some of my goals are obvious, like give birth and get married. My other goals aren’t so obvious. My other not so obvious goals a simple and attainable yet have some difficulty to them or they wouldn’t be goals. My goals for this year are: 1) Do a daily Sudoku puzzle 2) Read 12 books (I read 11 last year. No I’m not including children’s books I am going to be reading to my children.) 3) Walk 3 miles a day by the end of the year (I currently walk 2 miles a day)  4) Get my flute repaired 5) Start taking flute lessons again (I was in the high school band and really enjoyed playing the flute. No I did not forget to play. I just want a refresher.) I know my goals seem simple but they are something I want to be able to attain by the end of the year. I am well aware that some of my goals may be a little more difficult to attain due to the fact that I am going to be a new mama and wife however I do think I will be able to accomplish them.

I also hope to accomplish this coming year is to continue to advocate for those who struggle with mental illness as well as educate those who do not struggle with one. One way I plan on doing this is to continue blogging. I am aware that one way to educate others is through my blog and I need to build my blog following to be able to do so. I also need to post more educational material on my blog. The reason why my blog is not one of my goals is because it is an easy thing to do and has no difficulty to it. That’s unless count trying to attain my follower however that is beyond my control. I know ways to try to get more followers and I plan on doing that however ultimately its not my decision to have someone follow my blog.  For me blogging is way to educate and advocate for those who have a mental illness. It is also a way to show those who struggle with a mental illness that there is hope and recovery is possible.

Part of my recovery is to make sure I take care of myself. One way I take care of myself is to make sure I eat. Well, I need to go and eat. Not because I am hungry, which I am but because I need to take care of myself and my babies. I am going to sign of for now so I can go eat. Have an awesome 2015. Happy New Year and peace out!!!