The Fear of What I Might Do

At this point in time I am angry. I don’t like being angry and grew up told that I was not allowed to be angry. In fact showing any emotion while growing up was extremely frowned upon.

Unfortunately, due to not being able to show emotions growing up, I learned some unhealthy coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms that are creeping back into my life and am attempting to not let them do so.

Those coping mechanisms are me stuffing my anger to where I do one of two things. I either explode by screaming and yelling which is usually done in a place I feel at least somewhat safe. Safe meaning I know I won’t get hurt because of my unacceptable behavior of screaming and yelling. Or I end up self harming. Something else I don’t want to do.

I tell you this because I fear of what I might do today and its partly because of my own unacceptable behavior of screaming and yelling I had on Friday at the mental health agency I am a client of.  I fear that I’m going to yell at my psychiatric nurse practitioner for a number of reasons I might disclose in a later post. I also fear that I am going to yell at my new therapist for something that is beyond her control and not fair to her. Hell, yelling on my psychiatric nurse practitioner might not be fair to him either.

I tell you this in hopes that if I share with you what I fear I might do that I won’t do it. That fear is yelling at the people who are only trying help me. I’m sharing this in hopes that I can be accountable to someone and that someone is you the reader of my blog. I hope at this moment in time that I’m not asking too much of you my reader.

On a good note, I am quite positive that I won’t act on any potential self harm urges. At this point in time the urges are nothing to be concerned about. I have a safety plan in place as a “just in case” if self harm urges become unmanageable.  So just be aware that I will get help if self harm urges appear to be unmanageable.

I appreciate each one of you who read my blog. I hope each one of you have a good Monday and wonderful work week. Peace Out!!!

I Just Want to Get Back to Doing Well

It’s the middle of the night where I am at and all I want to do is cry. If you have been reading my blog you know I have struggling a great deal with my depression as well as with grief and loss. Struggling enough to where I felt it was in the best interest of the clients I serve and my recovery to resign from a job I worked endlessly to get and loved with a passion.

Anyone who as ever dealt with a mental health condition knows that there will be times where a relapse in our symptoms occur. Unfortunately, this relapse in my symptoms is lasting a bit longer than expected.  More or less what I am saying is I am not bouncing back as quickly as I have in recent years.

The thing that hasn’t helped matters much is that things haven’t been all that consistent with my therapy. No fault to anyone.  As many of you know Diana suddenly left the agency where I seek mental health services at due to cancer which is still hard on me. So, I was assigned a new therapist who happened to be the direct supervisor of Diana which was quite helpful for me. Then she left to go on to bigger and better things which got me a new therapist.

A therapist that appears to care. She seems like an older, shorter version of Diana with straighter and grayer hair. As far as the sense of humor part of things, I’m not really sure as I’ve only had three sessions with her but she appears to have a caring heart like Diana. Granted my new therapist is not a Social Worker but that is okay because she use to be a nurse which means she has the heart of Social Worker. I realize I shouldn’t be picky on the degree of the therapist just as long as they have a degree in a field to where the person can practice therapy with the right licensure but in my  experience those who have a degree in Social Work seem to work best for me.  So for me my new therapist having a degree in nursing helps a great deal as nurses have some pretty big and caring hearts.

As far as me being up in the middling of the night wanting to cry is that I woke up with a nightmare. A nightmare due to childhood trauma. Any type of trauma sucks shit especially trauma you are still working on in therapy 30 years after it started. I hope that one day I can handle the after affects of the trauma without needing therapy but one can only hope.

For me hope is the only thing I have right now. Hope that I can get back to doing well enough to go back to work. I miss work but then again my recovery is extremely important. It is hope that I must hold on to as I know how doing well feels. It is my hope that I can be back to doing well.

Being well is something I want to get back to and I think attempting get back to sleep is part of getting well. Have a great night all and peace out.

Sort of; Kind of; Attempting to Be Recovery Minded; but Maybe Not; You Read to Figure Out What I’m Going to Say

I am having difficult time writing this particular post for unknown reasons. Or at least reasons that I truthfully don’t want to share however I know if I do share then maybe just maybe my words can help someone.

Right now I feel like my world is ending and I have no hope in sight despite the fact that I have people who love and care about me. Not many people realize this but my depression symptoms are starting to increase now that I don’t have a job to go to. This is why I was so worried about making the decision about resigning from my beloved job as peer specialist. I also know that I made the decision with the help of others because, I need to focus on my own recovery. Resigning from a job I love with a passion was the most difficult decisions I made because I knew if I didn’t I would be soon in an extremely bad space soon.  I need to focus on my recovery right now so when I am in a space I can go back to work I will be able to do so but I will be a stronger person out of it.  And maybe a job that more suited for me.

In the midst of dealing with the recent job loss due to me resigning from it, I have gotten a new therapist. I think I’m going to like her. I feel like it went off really well despite some awkward moments. I hope she can pick up on the shit the Diana did and use the humor and sarcasm that both Diana  and her supervisor both used with me before they left the agency. My new therapist has some pretty big shoes to fill and I know that is expecting too much. She seems nice enough. I just hope the she is able to pick up on the little stuff. Stuff my last two therapist pick up on quite quickly.

Speaking picking up on something quickly, my case manager picked up on some body language and brought up to me. She wanted to know what was going on. I of coursed informed her of what was going on. She stated she was “happy that you allowed yourself to be vulnerable to me.” I’m really starting to trust my case manager. She is even coloring with me in our sessions together.

I’m thinking that I should end this post for now so I can figure out what I want to say or maybe just leave it as is. It’s ending on a positive note.  PEACE OUT!!!

Consistency is a Necessity for Recovery

Over the years I have learned that consistency with who my treatment team is key to my recovery. Unfortunately, as of lately that hasn’t been happening for me.

I learned on St. Patrick’s Day that my new therapist, was leaving the agency I seek services at for my mental health treatment. This loss hits me hard as this therapist was the direct supervisor of Diana and was updating me on her health at Diana’s request. Not only that, I was just starting to feel comfortable with her style of therapy as it was slightly different from Diana’s therapy style.

As difficult as it is to loose another therapist so close to Diana’s sudden departure due to cancer, I appreciate her effort in making sure she found the right fit. A fit I am unsure of at the moment and realize the uncertainty of a new therapist is causing some anxiety.

To lessen my anxiety of having a new therapist, my therapist thought it would be a good idea for me to meet the new therapist during our last session together at the location I will be now going to. No, I’m not changing mental health agencies, its that my new therapist is at different location than the one leaving and Diana were at. I am really appreciative of my therapist doing this for me as I know she didn’t have to do so.

My last session with my therapist has come and gone and tears shed on both ends which was quite unexpected for the both of us since our therapeutic relationship had only been for four months. Of course having therapist who was the direct supervisor of your previous therapist (Diana) was helpful to building trust with her. Even though I only met with my new therapist of all of seven minutes for an introduction and to set up a first appointment, I found it quite helpful.

As helpful as I found meeting my new therapist, no matter how briefly, I still have anxiety regarding my first appointment with her. As with any first appointment, I have with anyone, my anxiety usually increases however this time the anxiety is higher than it usually is. Not sure why but it is and if I continue to ask why I notice my anxiety start to rise.  I’ve also realized as my first appointment with my new therapist quickly approaches, there is an increase in the anxiety.

The increase of anxiety is where the use of my Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills come in handy to help even if I don’t want to use them. See, DBT skills have helped me through some tough moments as an adult. Even though seeing a new therapist isn’t the toughest thing I have experienced in my life, it’s anxiety provoking enough needing to use my skills.

As I use my skills, I realize that there is a number of reason why to my anxiety is so high regarding my first appointment with this new therapist. Actually, there a roughly a handful of reasons. All those reasons lead to both the grief I have for Diana’s sudden departure due to cancer and having a new therapist leave in less than five months which leads to the consistency I need for my own recovery. Consistency that I fear I won’t have with my new therapist as she appears to be close to retirement age but then again that might not be an issue either but its an issue I have to wait till deal with in my first session with her. For me consistency is key for me to start to trusting people and hope that my new therapist sticks around for a good eighteen months. I don’t that doesn’t sound long but I don’t want to ask for too much as I am seeing her at a community mental health agency and know realistically that people don’t stick around for as long as Diana did. I trusted Diana and still do and hope she is doing well. Most importantly, I hope I can trust my new therapist.

Before, I end this particular post I want share something positive. I am slowly starting to trust my case manager. I see she is trying really hard and to me that shows that she cares. She cares enough to try to build a good rapport and to me that is a sign I can trust her. When I first wrote about her I didn’t give her such a positive light and its not any of her fault. I was angry at needing a case manager and that anger showed through in that particular post. My care manager does care and does want to help me. For me trusting her is a big thing.

It looks like this post is coming to an end and before it ends, I want to tell you all thanks for reading. I am grateful for each one of you. Have a wonderful Sunday evening all and Peace Out!!!

Looking Forward To Tomorrow

It’s been a long day and continues get longer. I, of coursed worked today and now I am waiting to start a Warm Line shift. I decided that I would fill in for someone who needed to take the day off from their shift. Others have done it for me so I will do it for others. I know I’m going to be tired by the end of my volunteer shift since I worked today as well but I am looking forward to tomorrow.

I am looking forward to tomorrow because at this time tomorrow I will be getting my second tattoo. I am going to be getting a butterfly on my right shoulder. I emailed an idea of the butterfly tattoo I desire to my tattoo artist informing him that the image I sent him was an idea of how I want the butterfly and would like his artistic style to the butterfly as well. From my understanding he is grateful for the idea and is “thrilled” to be able add his own style to the butterfly tattoo I emailed him. It was and is just an idea of how I would like the idea.

The placement of my tattoo will be covering up some scars on my shoulder. Scars that people always assume that are “fresh” when they are not. They just happened to be keloid scars. If you regularly read my blog you know that I have had issues with cutting myself in the height of my mental illness.

It seems that all the tattoo’s I plan on getting including the one I have and the butterfly I am getting tomorrow all have some meaning to me in regards to my mental illness. Most if not all I am going to get will be recovery related. Two or three will help bring awareness to mental illness like the semi-colon tattoo I already have. The butterfly has meaning to me as well and yes it involves my recovery dealing with mental illness. I will share with you the meaning behind it, tomorrow evening or Saturday morning when I do my weekly check in. Hell, I might just do an entire post on just my new tattoo after I get it. Yes, I will put up a picture of it on my blog.

I need to get going. My Warm Line shift is about to start. Have a wonderful evening. I hope to do another post tomorrow evening, weather it’s my weekly check in or about my butterfly tattoo. Peace Out!!!

Fulfilling Day

Despite being full of anxiety with the upcoming start of a promotion, I’m sitting here at my laptop looking back on my day. A day that was fulfilling in many different ways.

I started off my day with doing some errands which nobody really like to do. Unfortunately, I was unable to do laundry due to the lack of time. So, instead of doing laundry, I decided to blog as I was waiting for time to pass for the next event in the day.

As I finished my last post, Junior came over and we went out to eat. We chitchatted as we ate. After eating we walked around a local lake which helped a great deal with my anxiety. It helped because I was near water as well as the physical activity of walking.

After spending time with Junior, I went a got my hair cut. I got it cut really short. It’s kind of professional punk style cut if there is such a style. An easy to take care of punk style cut. I’m not sure what to think about it yet but I know I like the fact that it is out of my face and easier to take care of.

When I was done getting my hair cut, I hung out with a friend of mine. A friend that I met through my volunteer job at the Warm Line. We hung out for about two hours before we went and volunteered at the Warm Line.

Little did I know when I went to volunteer on the Warm Line tonight that the people I volunteer with decided to throw me a party for getting a promotion at work. Being acknowledged like may not be something I think I deserve but I know without a shadow of a doubt that it helped with my anxiety. Of course once five o’clock came around we started taking calls. During the “quiet moments” we still celebrated my promotion. (Just so you know there was no alcohol involved with the celebration of my promotion.) When the shift ended the friend who I hung out with earlier brought me to Juniors place.

I thanked my friend for the ride and went inside where Junior was waiting for me with a Sunflower and a balloon with the word “Congratulations” on it. I gave Junior a hug which end with having some adult fun if you get what I am saying.

Now, I am at my laptop blogging once again. Blogging is fulfilling in itself. In fact it is also therapeutic for me to do. I don’t have much else to say at the moment. Have a wonderful rest of your weekend and peace out!!!

“Throwing You To The Wolves”

Happy Saturday. As, I told you in my last post on Sunday, I had gotten the job as a Peer Specialist and that I was turning in my resignation letter. Well, I did turned in my resignation letter on Monday stating my last day as a Consumer Aide would be on March 22, 2016 or so I thought.

When I went on my lunch break on Monday, I had no idea that my supervisor and new supervisor had been talking most of the morning. As I got back from lunch I noticed that my new supervisor had shown up. My supervisor and new supervisor said that they needed to speak to me. I of course was thinking the worst. Boy was I wrong with my thinking the worst. I was informed by both supervisors that I would be starting March 21st and not March 28th like expected. My new supervisor basically informed that he and the main Peer Specialist in charge will be out of state at a conference and that they will be short staffed even with me being present. He then told me “I will be throwing you to the wolves and know you will be able to handle it.”  My supervisor apparently saw that I was surprised and she told “I know this is happening quite fast and everyone agrees that you are ready. You’ve been ready for quite some time. You know you’re overqualified for the Consumer Aide position. You will be greatly missed here because you are a value to the team here and I know you will be of value at the drop-in.” I took a nice good breath and said, “Yes, it is quite fast but I will do what is needed.” With that the meeting ended and I went back to work.

As much as I am thrilled that I am starting a week earlier than expected, I was concerned how my client take me leaving so soon. Surprisingly enough all of them were fine with it and happy that I got the promotion. I was fearful that with me leaving so quickly that it would cause my clients to have anxiety.

Apparently, it is causing me more anxiety starting so soon than it is to my clients with me leaving so quickly. I am dealing with anxiety with the skills I have learned throughout the years. Most of them being Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills. If it wasn’t for my recovery I wouldn’t be having the anxiety over the promotion. I am happy to have the skills I have learned throughout my years of recovery.

Well, I need end this post for the moment. I have a busy Saturday ahead of me. Have a wonderful weekend.  Peace out!!!