Monthly Archives: August 2017

Phuk PTSD!!!

Posted on by Gertie

I just wish my nightmares would fucking stop. It is fucking angering that I keep having severe nightmares. Nightmares that appear to be increasing in severity. A severity I haven’t experienced in years and is quite concerning.

Thankfully, Junior is helping me through the after effects of the nightmare. He has been cuddling with me as it seems to be helping me the most at the moment. Feeling safe and secure in his arms is quite helpful. Another thing that is helpful for me right now is watching some television (T.V). Junior and I are watching M*A*S*H. Comedy and humor always seem to help me.

It never seizes to amaze me the love Junior has for me. He stays awake with me after my nightmare knowing that he will be sleep deprived when he does a 48hour shift. Junior’s love and kindness gives me hope that things will get better. It’s nice to know that no matter how bad things get for me, Junior won’t leave. I’ve put him through a lot of shit the last few months and he hasn’t left me. Junior has stated that he won’t ever leave me due to my mental health conditions.

I should get going as I want to spend some time with Junior and hopefully get back to sleep. I hope everyone has a good rest of the night. Happy Friday and Peace Out!!!

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Woo Hoo; 200 Followers!!!

Posted on by Gertie

WOO HOO!!! I finally got my 200th follower. It has taken three years and three months to get my 200th follower. I know it might not be a big deal to you but is to me. It means that I’m actually reaching people who want to read what I have to say.

If you are new to reading my blog, WELCOME!!!! This blog was started to help educate individuals who do not struggle with a mental health condition that people like myself who do struggle can live productive and fulfilling lives in hopes to lessen the stigma that goes with having a mental health condition. I did at one point in time have an education piece of my blog regarding mental health and hope to get that started back up again.  The other aspect of my blog was and is to give those who do struggle with a mental health condition hope that there is recovery. Recovery is not an easy process and is non-linear. There will be bumps in the road and relapses in symptoms of mental health conditions. I hope that I can be of some encouragement to those who have mental health conditions. Again, I want to thank you all for following my blog.

I hope everyone has a good rest of the week. I appreciate each on everyone of you. Peace Out!!!

Fighting Against Anxiety

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I’m attempting to get ready to go see my case manager yet I’m struggling with going. My anxiety is high at the moment. I know if I don’t attend my appointment that my anxiety is just going to increase. Yes, I realize when I leave my apartment to go see my case manager, my anxiety will be quite intense for a few moments. Yet, if I don’t attend my appointment my anxiety will only increase and last longer than if I were to go

Thank you for listening (or in this case reading) to me vent. I hope to blog more later today or sometime tomorrow. Thank you for reading. Peace Out!!!

A Reminder of Where I Want To Be, Again

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It has been a long yet rewarding day. As I have been writing about with you, my reader, I attended a continuing education training. Most of it was common sense stuff while some was review from other trainings. Even though most of it was a refresher for me however I did learn a couple of new things.

Most of what I learned that was new to me was what other agencies do in regards to ethics and boundaries when it comes to a Peer Specialist. Another thing that wasn’t much of surprise to me but just confirmed what already knew what that there isn’t a “set in stone” code of ethics for Peer Specialist nationally. Mainly because there is a massive gray area being a Peer Specialist.

Attending today was bittersweet because it reminded me of what I am currently at which is not a good space to be working with people who to, are struggling with their own mental health struggles. However, it also got me to thinking about my future. A future that will help further my career in the mental health field. I’m hoping to go back to school. I want to get my Associates Degree in Social and Human Services and hope to get a Bachelors Degree in Applied Behavioral Science. In order to do this I  need to do a few things first and hopefully when those are done I can be back in school in Spring of 2018.

As hopeful as I am toward my future at the moment, I need to focus on the here and now. The here and now means I need to eat and spend time with Junior. Yes, that means I’m ending this blog post for now. I hope that everyone had a good Monday. Peace Out!!!

Not Good Start; The Rest Will Be Good

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I’m up at 4:09 in the morning because of a nightmare. A nightmare that is a symptom of PTSD. I highly dislike having PTSD and would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Waking up from a nightmare is never a great start to any day. I did have Junior by my side helping me through the after effects of the nightmare. Junior sat with me as I cried through the pain. The emotional and physical pain the nightmare brought. Yes, PTSD symptoms can cause not just emotional pain but physical pain as well. As I allow myself to cry, Junior held me to help me feel safe.

After I finished crying, I gave myself a few moments to recompose myself. As I recomposed myself I decided I will blog. Blog about what!?!? Nobody knows not even me.

I am looking forward to what today has to bring. I will be attending a continuing education training for Peer Support Specialist. Its on Ethics and Boundaries in Peer Support. Ethics and boundaries is something we all need in our personal and professional lives. This continuing education training I am attending will help me with my career when I get back into being a Peer Specialist.

Having a career as a peer specialist is know when to step away from things to focus on ones recovery. That’s what I am doing. As much as I would love to be working as a Peer at the moment, I realize focusing on my recovery is important. I just hope that me focusing on my recovery will help me grow as a person and as a Peer Specialist.

Anyway, I’m thinking that I should end this particular blog post for now. I need to get ready for the day ahead. I want be in a good space when I attend the continuing education training I will be attending. If I’m not too tired when I get home from the continuing education training, I hope to blog about what I learned I hope everyone has a great work week. Happy Monday and Peace Out!!!

A Sunday to Remember

Posted on by Gertie

Today has been truly a lazy Sunday. A Sunday, I wouldn’t trade for the world. I wouldn’t trade for the world because it was a truly amazing day. A day that Junior put a great deal of thought in to.

Junior put a great deal of thought into today as he is well aware of how difficult things have been for me the last several months. Junior planned today out to be a relaxing and lazy day as well as to enjoy what he had planned in hopes to have spontaneous events to enjoy. We both enjoyed the planned and the spontaneous events of the day.

This is where I share with you the events of today. Events that have helped me. When Junior got off work this morning he went to my place to gently wake me up to start off the day. He rubbed my back till I woke up. When I woke up, he gave me a kiss and asked if I wanted to spend they day with him at my place or his. I said his place because it has a more homey feeling to it. So, we came over to Junior’s place.

Once we got to Junior’s place, he changed out of his uniform and into his pajamas. In fact the both of us have spent most of the day in our pajama’s with a couple exceptions that I will tell you about later on in this post. After Junior put on his pajamas he made breakfast. Breakfast consisted of French toast, scrambled eggs, bacon, fresh strawberries and chocolate milk. After breakfast, Junior went to bed as he had a long forty-eight hour long shift and I started the dishes. Junior ended up getting up shortly after going to bed to watch me do the dishes. As he watched me do the dishes for about five minutes he turned on some music.

Not just any music but music that represents our love for each other. After turning on the music, he went to were I was, turned of the water and gently grabbed my had asking me to dance. I, of course said yes and we danced in his living room. The dancing led to some passionate intimate moments. Yes, we made love. As we made love, I felt a sense of peace, I haven’t felt in months. A peace that Junior’s love for me is never-ending no matter how tough things get for either of us as individuals or as a couple.

After making love, we talked about things. Things that brought both happy and sad tears to the both of us. It was nice to be able to lay in bed holding each other talking. After a good talk we both fell asleep. We slept for a few hours before waking up to eat lunch and watch a baseball game on television.

We ate left over salad before the Seattle Mariners versus Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim game started. As we watched the Mariners play against the Angels we held hands, cuddled and even did some petting. Petting that led to more intimate moments. Moments that I am beyond grateful for. Yes, we did watch the baseball game. Granted it was only about half the game due to intimate moments but we did watch. I am happy to say that the Angels beat the Mariners once again. In fact they (the Angels) swept the Mariners under the rug. Junior of course was (and is) a little disappointed as he is a Mariners fan. Even though he is a devoted and loyal Mariners fan I still love Junior.

I love Junior because he is devoted and loyal to every aspect of his life. His devotion and loyalty to me amazes me and is something I don’t deserve. Even though I feel like I don’t deserve Juniors love, devotion and loyalty, he continue to give it to me and is extremely patient with me. Patient enough with me to let me cry as he held me. Yes, I cried. I cried due to the pain I was dealing with regarding PTSD symptoms I was experiencing. Junior just sat there holding me as I cried for a good half an hour. After as I was done crying we talked. Talked about the symptoms I was experiencing and then about what we were going to do about dinner.

We decided that we were going to have a simple dinner. A simple dinner of spaghetti, corn on the cob, milk and for dessert we had strawberry short cake. We made enough to have left overs tomorrow. I’m looking forward to left overs tomorrow because they always taste better the next day.

After dinner we did the dishes. Dishes that were left from breakfast and lunch as well the ones we had from dinner. When we were done with the dishes we sat on the couch talking again. Talking about our future. A future together. A future we want together.

As we discussed our future together we decided to do a jigsaw puzzle. Something we both enjoy doing. As we worked the puzzle together we ended up having yet another intimate moment. Another moment I am grateful for. I’m grateful for the moment because Junior and I haven’t had many intimate moments lately due to severe and on going symptoms of my Depression and PTSD. Moments that both Junior and I are grateful for.

Being grateful for what we have is a major reasons why our relationship has lasted so long. Another major factor is good communication. I’m sure you all agree that communication is key a good relationship no matter what type of relationship it is.

Today has been a Sunday to remember because of the time I have spent with Junior and as I end this post remember to thank those people in your lives that make an effort to make your day better. I know I plan on thanking Junior on making my day better. I hope to blog again tomorrow about the continuing education class I will be attending. Have a great rest of your weekend. Peace out!!!

 

Weekly Check-In

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! If you been reading my blog on the regular basis you know that I have been struggling with the symptoms of my mental health condition. You may have noticed that I have making an effort to blog on the more regular basis. I’m doing this for a multitude of reasons. One is to keep you, the reader, interested in continuing to read my blog. Two, is more of the selfish part of me blogging and an unexpected bonus I didn’t realize was going to happen when I started is that its helping me with my recovery. I have many other reasons I am making an effort to blog more regularly however I am sure those reasons will bore you.

As you are aware that this past week has been a challenging one for me. Challenging in many ways yet I managed to get through some of them with creativity. Creativity in the ways of art and poetry. The main way I did both my art and poetry this past week was collaging and I really enjoyed it. I think its something I’ll continue to do on the regular basis.

Something that appears to be happening on the regular basis for me especially over the last two weeks and I haven’t even been trying is advocating. I’ve had several people inform me in the past two weeks is that I am really good at advocacy including self-advocacy. I don’t know about being good at advocacy especially when it comes to self-advocacy, I just do and say what I think needs to be done. If that’s advocacy then so be it.

I bring up the self-advocacy up because I was signed up to take a continuing education training for peers. A continuing education course I signed up for several months ago. I was informed yesterday (Friday) that I was waitlisted due to the fact that I’m not employed as a peer currently and priority goes to employed peers. I understand this full well and would have let it go and not advocated for myself if I was informed sooner. See, the continuing education training is this Monday and I made arrangements and rearranged appointments to be able to attend it. So, since I was informed on such short notice I thought it would be best to email the folks putting on the training. Since I advocated for myself and the training ending up in a “slightly bigger room” the folks doing the training said I could attend. I realize they couldn’t do this for everyone on the waitlist and won’t be able to this for me in the future however I am grateful that they made an exception for me. In fact the folks putting on the training informed me on who was doing the training happens to be someone I did a continuing education training with a few years ago. A person I have become friends with. I am looking forward to seeing them on Monday.

Now that we are on the topic of friends, two of my friends decided that I needed a girls night out. Or in this case a girls night in. They decided this because I’ve been isolating myself due to an increase of symptoms in my depression. I’m thrilled that they were persistent in their efforts to get me out of my apartment. We ended up at one of my friends places to watch the Seattle Mariners play against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. I did have a good time with my friends even though they were rooting for the wrong baseball team. Actually, I’m just living in the wrong city but I love this city I’m living in. I just have to deal with getting a hard time on occasion when I root for particular sports teams.

Looks like I’ve pretty much told you how my week has gone. That means I’m at the end of my blog post. I hope to blog again tomorrow however if I don’t, I’ll make sure I do on Monday evening. I want to share with you how the continuing education training goes. I hope that everyone has a good rest of their weekend. Peace Out!!!

 

Girls Night In

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! As, I sit here blogging, I’m with two of my closest friends watching a baseball game on television even though its being played in the city we live in. My friends decided to have a girls night to help me get from isolating myself and I am grateful for them for it.

As I mentioned my friends and I are watching a baseball game on television. We are watching the Seattle Mariners play at home against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. I am rooting for the Angels because they are my home team while my two friends are rooting for their home team, the Mariners (fondly known as the M’s). Its the top of the 9th inning and the Angels are a head 6 to 5 at the moment.  Well, now its the bottom of the 9th inning. Same score as stated earlier.

As part of girls night we had the typical ballpark favorites. We had hot dogs, cracker jacks, peanuts, popcorn, Pepsi and lets not forget Seattle’s favorite at any sporting event of garlic French fries. We are now eating ice cream sundaes. Oh how I love ball park food.

Mariners are now up at the bottom of the 9th. Two outs and the score is Angels 6 and Mariners 5. I really want the Angels to win. Baseball is my one of my favorite sports to watch. It actually helps me get outside of my head.

And the Angels WIN. Woo Hoo!!! I am so happy they won.

Like I was saying watching baseball helps me. It helps me get out of my head. It helps me be able to not isolate. For instance, my friends I may not have attended the game tonight but it helped me not isolate because my friends and I watched on television.

I need to get going so I can spend time with my friends to continue girls night in. Have waonderful night everyone. Peace Out, World.

Fighting With Myself

Posted on by Gertie

I’m fighting within myself. Fighting against the old behavior creepy back in (as mentioned in my last post). Fighting against urges to self-harm. Fighting to stay alive.

A fight I feel all alone in yet I’m not fighting alone. I’m not fighting this alone because I have a partner that loves me and friends that care about me that are by my side. Having people in my life that are helping me fight this fight is what is helping me make the limited good choices I am making in my life. Choices that I wish were easy for me to make but are difficult to do so due to the fact my symptoms are high.

As I deal with difficulties with my symptoms I realize that there are only so much Junior and the rest of my natural supports are able to do. I feel like I am burden to them and my treatment team even though I’m sure I am not a burden to them. I just don’t want to be in constant crisis or have those closest to me worry about me regarding weather or not I’m going to act on urges to self-harm.

Speaking of safety and urges to self-harm, I want to make you aware that if I was going to act on those urges, I would be taking myself to the Emergency Room (E.R) instead of blogging about it.  Yes, I might blog about having urges to self-harm and maybe even blog about acting on self-harm urges but I will never put you my reader (or even WordPress) in a place to where you feel the need to contact someone (WordPress, the police, fire department, etc.) because you fear I might be a danger to myself. If I am ever a danger to myself, I promise I will go to an E.R or call 911 and not put that responsibility on you or the folks at WordPress. Currently, I am NOT a danger to myself and won’t harm myself in any way.

Since you my reader know that I won’t put the burden of needing to contact someone due being a danger to myself, lets get back to the topic at hand. The topic of fighting with myself and those who are helping with that fight. In fact one of those people who are helping with the fight is Junior. The way he is helping me fight the fight is he is making me a late lunch. I really haven’t been eating much lately and since food is the key to being healthy, Junior is making me a late lunch. He is a great cook. Not exactly sure what Junior is making me but I am pretty sure it will be good.

With people like Junior in my life helping fight this fight to get better gives me some hope. Not much hope but some. Enough to give me the strength to carry on. Part of recovery is having hope even if its the slightest hope. Sometime that hope comes from the love of a partner or caring friends or a tattoo. Yes, I said tattoo in giving me hope.

I currently have two tattoo’s. Both of my tattoo’s are related to my recovery and give me hope. My semi-colon tattoo is reminder that my story isn’t over yet. My butterfly is a reminder of no matter how dark things are at the moment things will become beautiful again. The butterfly is also a symbol of hope that not matter how dark things are, things will get better. So, yes my tattoo’s give me hope and help me fight the fight.

Another thing that is helping fight off the urges of self-harm and other old behaviors is music. Music is the one thing that has helped me throughout my life. Music has always given me hope. A hope to carry on.

Even though I have some hope, I am getting sick of fighting off the old behavior, self-harm urges and the symptoms of Depression and PTSD. I hope that the food Junior is done making for me will help me fight the fight when I am finished eating it.

Yes, that means I should get going so I can get something to eat. Hopefully, the food helps even just a little. I will keep you updated on how things are. If I am unable to do so then Mama Bear and/or Junior will post on how I am doing. I hope that everyone has a good day. Don’t forget to take the time to appreciate the folks you have in your life. I know I appreciate Junior and my friends as they have been a major support to me especially in recent months. Peace out!!!

(SIDE NOTE: I’m NOT currently as risk of self-harming despite having urges to do so. I’m NOT currently suicidal.)

The Woes of Not Being In a Good Space

Posted on by Gertie

I have been struggling with the symptoms of my mental health conditions for quite some time. Things start improving yet I end up having another set back. Some of those set backs are caused for reasons I am unsure of and working with my treatment team to help me figure out. Some set backs I cause myself or at least not doing what I’m suppose to be doing to help prevent some set backs.

With all the set backs that have happened I’m getting frustrated with myself. I feel like I have failed as I’m bouncing back like I have in recent years. This is where I think some of the set backs that I’ve had in the recent two or so months could be due to old behavior creeping back in. Behavior that I worked hard to not do.

Behavior that I need to discuss with my treatment team about especially my therapist. I don’t want to continue on the path I am on which is me going backwards. I’ve worked to damn hard in my recovery to continue to go backwards.

All I want is to bounce back to where I was when I was doing well.  I want to be working. Hell, I want to feel like I am being a productive member of society. Right now, I’m not a productive member of society or at least I think I’m not being productive.

Oh, fuck I am now wallowing in self-pity. Self-pity is something I don’t need to be doing right now. I just want to get back to doing well. All I want right now is to be back to how was when I was doing well and succeeding with life.

I think it would be a good idea for me to end this post. I feel that my emotions are getting the better of me and I don’t want that. I hope everyone has a good evening and night. Peace Out!!!