Writing Under the Influence of Ambien

Hello, World!!! I am on my fourth night of not sleeping. It is getting quite frustrating not being able to sleep. If I am unable to sleep tonight, I am going to request that I get hospitalized when I see my therapist later this afternoon. The lack of sleep is not helping to decrease the symptoms of my mental health challenges. In fact the lack of sleep is increasing the symptoms of my mental health challenges and it is quite scary when the symptoms start to increase.

In fact as I am writing this I am writing under the influence of Ambien. I attempted to go to sleep but it is not making me sleepy. I wish the Ambien would make me sleepy but it is not. Ambien makes me goofy. It helps me be creative in ways I could not imagine especially when I am painting. My paintings come out extremely interesting and not sure what I am exactly attempting to express emotionally. Maybe it is everything that I am feeling emotionally or the shit I deal with in regards to my mental health challenges.

While doing my current piece of art I, of course am painting under the influence of Ambien with some pretty awesome music playing. I have a mixture of Grunge Rock and some Emo Rock. It’s quite the genre’s to be listening to while in the state of mine I am in with Ambien added on top it off with. It least I am not harming myself with the painting and listening to the music. I just wish I could get some sleep.

Speaking of sleep, I should try to get some as I am pretty sure I am done with my painting for the moment. The painting needs to dry so maybe later in the morning I can write a post about the painting and post the picture up onto my blog. Just an idea. I am really tired. The music is helping me be tired. Have a good night of sleep everyone. Peace Out, World!!!

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Update From My Previous Post

THIS IS AN UPDATE ABOUT HOW I AM DOING. I INFORMED YOU IN MY LAST POST THAT I WILL UPDATE YOU. I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT I WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE NOR WILL I HARM MYSELF. THIS POST IS JUST AN UPDATE ON HOW I WILL KEEP MYSELF SAFE TILL I SEE MY THERAPIST TOMORROW (TUESDAY, MARCH 26TH, 2019).

I hope everyone is having a good Monday. I still have not gotten any sleep. I didn’t go to the emergency room as I didn’t think I needed to do so. My therapist agreed with my self assessment when I talked to him on the phone. In fact he called me this morning as I was getting ready to go to the mental health agency I am client of to see if I could see him or the person on-call for the day. We discussed ways to keep myself safe today. So far the safety plan is working which is a good.

In fact he called me a second time today, just a few minutes ago. He wanted to check-in with me again to make sure things were going okay. I told him I still felt like harming myself as well as being suicidal. We made an agreement that I WILL NOT ACT ON ANY OF MY URGES TO DO HARM TO MYSELF. We came up with another safety plan and I plan on following it as I really want to attend my session with my therapist tomorrow (Tuesday, March 26th, 2019). My therapist said that we will discuss whether are not being in the hospital is what is best at the moment.

One of the things, I have been doing today is painting. I have created three paintings today. Well, I finished two of the three painting and started then finished the third painting. I am happy with the paintings I did today.

I have also been reading my book Yesternight by Cat Winters. I am really enjoying the book. It is a real page turner. Well, it is a page turner for me. It is one of those books that is difficult to put down once you start reading it.

During all this I have been listening to music. Music helps me a great deal. It helps soothe my soul and my mind. I have also been dancing in my apartment to the music. I am surprised that nobody has complained yet about how loud my music is.

I, of course have been giving my cat, Lil Gertie, a great deal of attention. She is loving the attention for the most part. There are some moments she is tolerating the attention. I think she knows that I am struggling at the moment. I love the fact that animals can pick up on how you are doing emotionally.

I don’t have much more to say. I want to thank you for reading my blog as it is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great Monday. I also hope everyone has a good work week. Peace Out, World!!!

SIDE NOTE: I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT I WILL NOT HARM MYSELF OR ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE. IF IT GETS TOO INTENSE I WILL TAKE MYSELF TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.

Pondering on What the Hell to Do

I WILL BE DISCUSSING MY CURRENT STATE OF MIND IN THIS POST. CAN REASSURE YOU THAT I WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE NOR HARM MYSELF IN ANYWAY. I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW WHAT I AM CURRENTLY GOING THROUGH AND DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO WORRY!!!

Right now it is six o’clock Monday morning in my corner of the world and I have not slept for three nights now. I am extremely tired and just wish I could get some sleep. I honestly think that the lack of sleep is what’s causing the symptoms of my mental health diagnosis to have increased in a negative way.

I am a good ninety nine percent sure that due to the lack of sleep is what is causing me to be in a slight case of crisis. A crisis I do not want to be in. Right now I have extremely high urges to self harm and am slightly suicidal. I WILL NOT ATTEMPT SUICIDE NOR WILL I HARM MYSELF. Since I am feeling the way I am feeling I called the after hours crisis line that the agency I go to as a client, has. I did a safety plan with the crisis clinician and one of the things on that safety plan was to blog and well that is what I am doing now. The crisis clinician and myself came up with a long enough list for me to do till the agency opens up at eight o’clock in the morning. We did this in hopes that I can get myself to the agency to see my therapist or the clinician who is the on-call crisis clinician for the day. The reason for this is so if I need to be hospitalized the people on the team I am client of will be better familiar with the situation. I honestly don’t like the fact I could be hospitalized but if it keeps me safe from doing any harm to myself then I am willing to go.

Since my last post not only did I call the after hours crisis number, I also read. I read Yesternight by Cat Winters. I am really enjoying the book. I am almost half done with the book. It is an awesome book so far. I highly recommend it. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea but it is a good read so far. In fact reading is what has been helping me keeping myself safe from doing any harm to myself.

The crisis clinician suggested that I continue to keep reading but also suggested that I do some art. Specifically, she recommended that I color. She knows I love to color as I have talking to this particular crisis clinician before. So, when I get done writing this post, I will do some coloring. Coloring helps me a great deal and is a type of mindfulness and meditation practice for me. It helps me calm the fuck down.

The one thing that has helped me a great deal from harming myself in any way is my cat, Lil Gertie. She is a constant reminder to not self harm and to not take my own life. I don’t want Lil Gertie, to be orphaned once again. She has been through a great deal and I don’t want her to go through anything else if I can help it. My cat, Lil Gertie, has been snuggling up to me a lot last night as I am pretty sure that she is acutely aware of how I am doing at the moment.

As I mentioned above, Lil Gertie, my cat, has been helpful in keeping myself safe. She is also the reason why I have not gone to the hospital to get an evaluation. Getting an evaluation at the hospital takes way too fucking long. That is why the crisis clinician I talked to suggested that I go into the agency to see if I really need to be in the hospital or to see if touching base with my therapist more often would be best.

So, at this moment in time I am wondering what the hell I should do. The reason being is that two hours is a long time to wait to talk to someone. On the other hand, it will take a good three hours before I could talk with a social worker at the hospital because I would need to be medically cleared first. So, at this point in time I am thinking waiting two hours is the better option however if the urges to self harm increase or my suicidal thoughts get worse or I end up with a plan to die by suicide I will take myself to the emergency room. AS A REMINDER I WILL NOT SELF HARM OR ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE. IF THE URGES INCREASE I WILL TAKE MYSELF TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM. Seeing somebody who knows my history and has access to both my crisis plan and treatment plan is the best option for me at the moment. I will be less triggered this way. 

I do not have much else to say as I have been long winded in writing this post. I just hope I did not worry anyone as the state I am in is not the best place to be in at the moment. It scares the shit out of me when I am suicidal and have intense urges to self harm. I will continue to keep you in the loop about how things are going. If you don’t see me post it is most likely that I will be in the hospital for psych reasons. I really don’t want to be in the hospital but if that is what is needed then that is what I will do. I just hope I can get some sleep as that will most likely decrease the symptoms that I am currently having.

I am thinking that I am done writing this post as I have been long winded. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great Monday or at least a better Monday than I am currently having. Again, thank you for reading. I hope you all have a great day. Happy Monday!!! Peace Out World!!!

SIDE NOTE: I WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE NOR WILL I HARM MYSELF.IF THE URGES GET TOO INTENSE I WILL GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.PLEASE REST ASSURE I HAVE NOT HARMED MYSELF IN ANYWAY AND THAT I WILL NOT HARM MYSELF. 

The Struggle Is Real

Good Morning, World!!! I think my funk is now becoming a struggle. The struggle is becoming real. Real as the words you are reading on this post. I am not wanting to be in another struggle with intense mental health symptoms as I don’t know how much I will be able to handle. No I am NOT suicidal nor am I at risk of harming myself. I just fear that I could become suicidal which is something I will have to notify my therapist about.

Speaking of emailing my therapist, I think it is something I will need to do after I am done writing this post. The reason why I am thinking I am in need of emailing my therapist is because this is the third night in a row where I have not been able to sleep. Sadly, my sleep medicine wasn’t helpful tonight. Another thing I think my therapist is needing to know is that I haven’t showered since Wednesday (March 20th) which is not a good thing. I also think it would be a wise idea to inform him that my psychosis is starting to act up again. For me my psychosis includes hearing voices and when I am in an extreme depression I start seeing things. Thankfully, I am not seeing things and only hearing voices. Thankfully the voices are only at a whisper at the moment. I am nervous that if I inform my therapist of this that I could be put into the hospital but overall I am pretty in control of things at the moment with the exception of the dissociation. I really think emailing my therapist about everything I have mentioned will be a good thing as it is something he will need to know so he would know how to help me during our session. My therapist is pretty cool. I trust him. I really think he does understand most of what I experience with my mental health challenges.

Something I am doing in regards hearing whispering voices nobody else can hear is listening to music. Music helps drown out the voices and that is extremely helpful for me to deal with the voices. It is amazing how helpful and soothing music is for people who have mental health conditions. Hell, music even helps “normal” people. I love the fact music is quite helpful. If it wasn’t for music I wouldn’t have graduated high school and I really think it has been quite helpful in helping me not die by suicide. Just a reminder I am not a risk of attempting suicide or self harming. Music is one of things I think that speaks to everyone.

I do not have much more to say as I don’t want to end up repeating myself. Plus I am needing to email my therapist about the increase of my mental health symptoms. I hope everyone has a good Monday. I also hope that everyone has a good work week if you work a typical Monday thru Friday week. Peace Out, World!!!

Sunday Night Struggles

Hello, World!!! It is eleven o’clock at night on a Sunday and I am struggling. Struggling with the symptoms of the mental health challenges I am diagnosed with. Symptoms that I wish that were not acting up at the moment especially since I thought I was making some progress. The PTSD symptoms I am having are quite severe. Severe enough that it has been cause several hours of dissociation. The depression is causing me to want to isolate. Isolation is not a good thing especially since my psychosis is starting to flare up again. I am starting to hear voices again and that is not a good sign. At least the voices are at a whisper. All of the above mentioned symptoms is causing me some high anxiety.

At this moment in time I am starting to watch the eleven o’clock news. I am pretty sure that is going to to be the same shit that was on the evening news. I just wish the news shared feel good stories as they wouldn’t make watching other parts of the news so depressing.

Since my last post I have been reading Yesternight by Cat Winters with my cat, Lil Gertie, on my lap. The book is very interesting so far. It is one of those books that is difficult to put down especially since it is a page turner. It was hard to put down to watch the eleven o’clock news. So far I am only a quarter of the way thru it and hope it continues to be a page turner.

As I mentioned, Lil Gertie, my cat has been sitting in my lap as I have read. Having her on my lap at helped a great deal with the symptom’s of my mental health diagnosis especially the PTSD symptoms. She has been quite helpful with the dissociation as it is difficult to dissociate when you have a cat seeking your attention most of the day. I think she was doing this so I would not dissociate. I love my cat, Lil Gertie so much. Adopting my cat, Lil Gertie, has been one of the best decisions I have made in my life. I do not regret getting her whatsoever. She is my little furbaby.

I do not have much else to say in the post. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone has a great nights sleep. Peace Out, World!!!

Mental Health Challenges Suck Sh*t

Good Evening, World!!! I just finished watching the evening news. There was really nothing good on the evening news but when does the news have good news. It seems like the news is nothing but Politics and depressing news. But then again politics can be depressing. Or at least the last two and half years, politics has been nothing but negative and depressing. More so than ever. I wish the news could share a minimum of two feel good stories each half an hour they are on. But that is just my own personal opinion.

On the plus side, the weather in Seattle hasn’t been as “bad” as the weather people said it would be. It was sunny with some clouds which is good thing because there was suppose to be a “storm” according to the weather people on the news. The weather people really don’t seem to know what they are talking about.

My Anxiety, Depression and PTSD are not relenting and wish the hell I could get a break. My mental health challenges appear to have increased symptoms which suck shit. I haven’t taken a show since Wednesday and that is never a good sign. I just wish I could take a bath because that would be a wee bit easier for me but unfortunately my apartment doesn’t have a bathtub in it. It does have a shower but a nice hot bath would be nice on occasion. I know I need to take a shower but I don’t feel like taking one. I know ultimately I will feel a ton better but I am just too depression to do so.

I think I am going to start reading my book Yesternight by Cat Winters. I think reading it will be quite helpful for me to get out of my own head. I really hope it is a good book like people having been telling me it is. It seems like an interesting book by what I read on the back cover.

I do not have much more to say. I want to thank you all for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Have a great rest of your Sunday evening. Peace Out, World!!!

An Okay Type of Sunday

Good Evening, World!!! At this moment in time I am tired as hell. I have not had any sleep the last two nights. I have been awake since eight in the morning on Friday and well it is now early Sunday evening. All I want is some sleep. I hope that I am able to sleep tonight. If not then I know the symptoms of my mental health challenges most likely will increase and nobody wants that.

I have been reading most of the day. I have been mainly reading Wonder Woman comic books as it helps me in many different ways. It helps give me a sense of strength that I may not have or feel that I have at the moment. I have yet to start the novel I was telling you about in my last post and hope to start it at some point this evening. The book I hope to start to reading is Yesternight by Cat Winters. I heard nothing but good things about the book.

I ended up having lunch with friends like I do every Sunday. In fact a group of my neighbors who have become good friends have Sunday lunch every week. It is a potluck style meal. It is nice being able to have a weekly meal with my neighbors as it helps us get to know each other and who lives in the building.

After lunch I went grocery shopping with two of my friends who are also my neighbors. I really didn’t need to get much. I just needed milk, butter, mac & cheese, banana’s and yogurt. I do need more groceries however my grandpa will be taking me grocery shopping at the end of the week so I just bought stuff to help carry me through the week with the stuff I already have.

I do not have much more to say. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I am grateful for you my reader. You help make blogging worth while for me. I would still blog without readers but having regular reader helps keep me going. Again, I want to thank you for reading. I hope everyone has a great rest of their Sunday. Peace Out, World!!!