The Fear of What I Might Do

At this point in time I am angry. I don’t like being angry and grew up told that I was not allowed to be angry. In fact showing any emotion while growing up was extremely frowned upon.

Unfortunately, due to not being able to show emotions growing up, I learned some unhealthy coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms that are creeping back into my life and am attempting to not let them do so.

Those coping mechanisms are me stuffing my anger to where I do one of two things. I either explode by screaming and yelling which is usually done in a place I feel at least somewhat safe. Safe meaning I know I won’t get hurt because of my unacceptable behavior of screaming and yelling. Or I end up self harming. Something else I don’t want to do.

I tell you this because I fear of what I might do today and its partly because of my own unacceptable behavior of screaming and yelling I had on Friday at the mental health agency I am a client of.  I fear that I’m going to yell at my psychiatric nurse practitioner for a number of reasons I might disclose in a later post. I also fear that I am going to yell at my new therapist for something that is beyond her control and not fair to her. Hell, yelling on my psychiatric nurse practitioner might not be fair to him either.

I tell you this in hopes that if I share with you what I fear I might do that I won’t do it. That fear is yelling at the people who are only trying help me. I’m sharing this in hopes that I can be accountable to someone and that someone is you the reader of my blog. I hope at this moment in time that I’m not asking too much of you my reader.

On a good note, I am quite positive that I won’t act on any potential self harm urges. At this point in time the urges are nothing to be concerned about. I have a safety plan in place as a “just in case” if self harm urges become unmanageable.  So just be aware that I will get help if self harm urges appear to be unmanageable.

I appreciate each one of you who read my blog. I hope each one of you have a good Monday and wonderful work week. Peace Out!!!

I Just Want to Get Back to Doing Well

It’s the middle of the night where I am at and all I want to do is cry. If you have been reading my blog you know I have struggling a great deal with my depression as well as with grief and loss. Struggling enough to where I felt it was in the best interest of the clients I serve and my recovery to resign from a job I worked endlessly to get and loved with a passion.

Anyone who as ever dealt with a mental health condition knows that there will be times where a relapse in our symptoms occur. Unfortunately, this relapse in my symptoms is lasting a bit longer than expected.  More or less what I am saying is I am not bouncing back as quickly as I have in recent years.

The thing that hasn’t helped matters much is that things haven’t been all that consistent with my therapy. No fault to anyone.  As many of you know Diana suddenly left the agency where I seek mental health services at due to cancer which is still hard on me. So, I was assigned a new therapist who happened to be the direct supervisor of Diana which was quite helpful for me. Then she left to go on to bigger and better things which got me a new therapist.

A therapist that appears to care. She seems like an older, shorter version of Diana with straighter and grayer hair. As far as the sense of humor part of things, I’m not really sure as I’ve only had three sessions with her but she appears to have a caring heart like Diana. Granted my new therapist is not a Social Worker but that is okay because she use to be a nurse which means she has the heart of Social Worker. I realize I shouldn’t be picky on the degree of the therapist just as long as they have a degree in a field to where the person can practice therapy with the right licensure but in my  experience those who have a degree in Social Work seem to work best for me.  So for me my new therapist having a degree in nursing helps a great deal as nurses have some pretty big and caring hearts.

As far as me being up in the middling of the night wanting to cry is that I woke up with a nightmare. A nightmare due to childhood trauma. Any type of trauma sucks shit especially trauma you are still working on in therapy 30 years after it started. I hope that one day I can handle the after affects of the trauma without needing therapy but one can only hope.

For me hope is the only thing I have right now. Hope that I can get back to doing well enough to go back to work. I miss work but then again my recovery is extremely important. It is hope that I must hold on to as I know how doing well feels. It is my hope that I can be back to doing well.

Being well is something I want to get back to and I think attempting get back to sleep is part of getting well. Have a great night all and peace out.

9/11 – 15Years Later

I realized that today may not be the best days to start my educational pieces on mental illness. I say this because today marks 15 years since the worst terrorist attack  on United States soil since Pear Harbor Day on December 7, 1941.

Everyone in my generation remembers where they were when they heard the news of the  terrorist attacks. I know exactly where I was when I heard the news. I was waiting to board an airplane to New York when myself and fellow passengers saw the second plane hit the  twin towers. Twenty minutes later we were informed that the FAA was halting all air travel in the United States.

Its a sad day for me because I was on my way to New York to be a maid of honor in my one of my best friends wedding. My best friend and her fiance were both firefighters and unfortunately they were both killed when the towers came down. There is not a day that doesn’t go by I don’t remember them. Please take a moment today to remember those lost in the terrorist attacks. Most importantly take the time to thank a first responder for all they do. Peace Out!!

Two Years Since My Career in Mental Health Began

As I look back over the last two years its hard to wrap my head around that I have been working in the mental health field for two years today. Little did I know two years ago that I would be promoted to Peer Specialist within a year and a half of being hired as a Consumer Aide.

When I started the Consumer Aide position, I thought to myself, “I will be in this position for two years and then start applying for a part time Peer Specialist position.” I just didn’t realize that in the midst of planning out my future I would have a crisis that would leave me in despair. A despair that would leave me thinking about other things and then a major refocus on life. A refocus that got me to apply for my current position as a full time Peer Specialist with my employer. I never would have thought I would be working full time as Peer Specialist or at least at the beginning of my career as a Peer Specialist.

Becoming a Peer Specialist at the agency that ultimately gave me my start in the mental health field is in honor. My employer first gave me my start when I was a volunteer as meal assistant in a housing program and then was I asked is I wanted to volunteer in their main shelter as a coffee counter assistant. I of course jumped at that opportunity not realizing that it would actually get me a paying job within the agency.

I was informed by an employee of the main shelter that there was an opening for the Consumer Aide position I was hesitant to apply for it. Mainly, for the fact that I seemed overqualified for it and I had applied for multiple Peer Specialist positions waiting to see if I would get a job as a Peer. I got a lot of interviews but not any jobs. So I finally gave in and applied of the job as a Consumer Aide. I got the job as a Consumer Aide even though I was overqualified for it. Despite being overqualified for the job I am glad I got it because it helped me get my promotion as a Peer Specialist. If it wasn’t for me already being employed with the agency my supervisor would have gone with someone else.

Long story short, it never hurts to start at job that might be “beneath” you because it can actually give you the start in your career that you need. I was patient and determined to get a job as a Peer Specialist and was humbled many times before I got my job as a Peer Specialist. I am beyond grateful that my previous position as a Consumer Aide is what got me promoted to a Peer Specialist.

I want to thank you for reading. I have to get ready for work now. I hope you all have a nice day. Thank you for reading. Peace Out!!

The Not So Interesting Topic of Blogging

I know I have discussed this multiple times and I am sure you are getting a little tired of me discussing the topic of blogging and getting back into it on the regular basis. So, I’m going to attempt to keep this post short. Note that the word attempt is the key word.

Once again, I decided to sign up for one of the courses WordPress puts on. It’s a five day course focusing on commenting basics. The course is geared toward the person to interact with others on their blogs. In this case that person is me. I realize that part of blogging is making sure I interact with others on their blogs and I have been lacking in that area of blogging. Which is why I am choosing to do the course. Plus, it’s only five days and I know with my work schedule that I would be able to do this.

If you remember a few month back I decided to have Junior my fiancé and the woman I consider a motherly figure, I call Mama Bear write an introduction of themselves because I want them to be able to contribute to my blog. Well, I talked with them again about writing a post once to twice and month and they agreed they would. In fact they both agreed they would post once a week. I am happy that they are willing to post weekly. The links Junior’s and Mama Bears introductions are: and I hope you take the time to read them.

This leads me to my next idea of making a schedule of posting more regularly. For me having a schedule is key to my recovery and it if having a schedule helps with my recovery it can help with my blog. As of yesterday, Saturday, September 2nd, I will be doing my weekly check-ins on Saturday mornings. Starting Wednesday, September 7th, Mama Bear will be posting on Wednesdays. Starting Friday, September 9th, Junior will posting on Fridays. Starting Sunday, September 11th I will be posting an educational piece on mental illness or a news article or story related to mental illness. Starting Monday, September 12th I will be getting back in my weekly prompts of writing fiction. From my end the only two days that need to be filled in regards to blogging are Tuesdays and Thursdays and I will be figuring out what to do for the remaining two days. At this point in time there will be no rush in figuring out what exactly will be on Tuesday and Thursdays because, I just want to make sure the I get into the groove with the new blogging schedule as well as reminding both Junior and Mama Bear to blog regularly so they can get in the groove of blogging as well.

I just hope I don’t let you my reader down if things don’t go as I plan. The reason for plan of having a regular schedule is because, I don’t want you my reader to get bored with my blog or to loose interest in my blog. I know I have stopped reading blogs because I have lost interest in them. Mainly, due to the fact that they don’t post on the regular basis. So, if I am posting on the regular basis, I hope people won’t loose interest.

Enough about me and my need find ways to keep my blogging active. I hope I didn’t bore you, although I am sure I did. I hope you have a nice and peaceful rest of your Sunday. Peace out, everyone.

Sleepless In Seattle, Once Again

Good Morning, World!! Normally, I would be getting ready for a job I love with a passion however I am not going into work this morning. I am not feeling well. Mainly because I didn’t sleep all that well last night. My insomnia was not helping so much. To make it worse every time I did attempt to fall asleep, my PTSD would rear its ugly head with flashbacks, nightmares and body memories. Too make things worse is I had nightmares about the miscarriages I had. Nightmares that included four faceless babies saying they miss me and love me and then tell me I killed them. Its difficult to sleep after that. I wish my depression symptoms from the grief of losing two sets of twins is setting in once again. Plus the normal PTSD shit that doesn’t help matters much with the nightmares of being abused. Anyway due to the lack of sleep due to grieving over my two miscarriages as well as PTSD shit from my childhood, I have decided to call into work sick today. A job I love with a passion.

Weekly Check-In

Good Morning, World. I have decided to start doing my weekly check-ins once again and for a multitude of reasons. One of which to keep you the reader up to date on what is going  in the my life and two, to get back in the swing of things of blogging. I have found that if I blog on the regular basis, it keeps my regular readers to want to check-out my blog more often. I have many other reasons why I am stating my weekly check-ins however I am not going to bore you with those reasons.

A great deal has happened this past week so lets just start on Monday since nothing really notable happened Sunday. Monday, I saw my therapist, Diana. Overall, my session with her went well. It went much better than the last session I had with which was back in June. In fact Diana stated that I made “progress” in our session. If I look back on our session I did make some progress. It was an emotionally difficult session with Diana am grateful that I made progress. We discussed some difficult topics that I usually quickly change the subject on and this time I didn’t change the topic which is one of the successes I had in my session.

The success I had in my session with Diana is a major deal but the success I was able to show someone else on Tuesday and Wednesday validated all the work I have done in my recovery. I attended a two day conference on focusing on peers specialist and supportive employment and how the two can interact with each other. So, I ran into another professional at this conference who knew me at my worst. A person who didn’t think I was capable of ever working due to the “severity” of my symptoms at the time.  This person was “shocked as hell” that I was in attendance as well as working as a peer specialist. It felt good being able to prove to someone that I am capable of doing something that they thought I was unable to do. The interaction I had with this person helped me realize that I am a success and how much I am proud of myself for accomplishing.

On the topic accomplishments I have been following the Summer Olympics. Now, the individuals participating in the Olympics have had major accomplishments in their lives to just be able to make it to the Olympics. Yes, many of the Olympians have had difficulties in their lives and you can compare to just about any thing in life. The one thing I am highly disappointed in is that a soccer play on the U.S.A’s woman soccer team was a sore looser and unsportsmanlike. This soccer player made her country (which is my country) look like they are sore losers. Just know we as Americans don’t approve of such unsportsmanlike behavior. The Olympics are suppose to bring the world together and hope that it continue to do so.

The correlation I can see between the Olympics and mental health recovery is hope. And that’s what I want to end this post today with a message hope.  We all need hope! Peace Out!!