Monthly Archives: May 2017

It’s Been Three Years

Posted on by Gertie

Wow!!! It’s hard to believe that it’s been three years since I started blogging. The last three years have just flown. Hell, a lot has happened in the last three years.

When I started this blog I had no clue what I was doing. I still don’t have a clue on what I am doing. It was and still is my goal of this blog to educate those who do not struggle with a mental health condition that those who do live with one can live a productive life and to give hope to those who do live with a mental health condition that recovery is possible. Little did I know when I started blogging on how much it would be helpful to me and my recovery.

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know that my recovery means the world to me. Blogging has helped me a great deal in many ways especially in regards to my recovery.

As you can tell, I am big into recovery. The reason why I am big into recovery is because as difficult as it is to be in recovery its also that much easier to be in it than it is not to be in it. It’s also a lot more fun. Granted, I may not be bouncing back as quickly as I have in recent years but I’m still in recovery as I am taking care of myself.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate you my reader and/or follower. Have a good Hump Day (Wednesday) and Peace Out!!!

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The Simple Things In Life

Posted on by Gertie

Over the last few weeks, I’ve come to realize that I am needing to focus on the simple things in life. Simple things that many people tend to forget due to their busy lives or just stopped doing because they “grew out” of them.  Things I think as adults we need to learn from children and that’s to enjoy the little and simple things in life.

I may not have had the easiest of childhoods but I do remember some of the simple things I enjoyed as a kid. One, such thing I never stopped doing and seems to be “all the craze” now for adults is coloring.  Coloring is one of those activities that is a makes you think brainless activity. What I mean is that you have to think about what color you are going to use but not really have to do any other brain activity while coloring. Another such simple thing I enjoy is Play-Doh.

Yes, I did say Play-Doh.  Play-Doh helps a great deal with my anxiety. I rediscovered Play-Doh a few years ago when I was at a continuing education class for Peer Counselors. The trainer put out Play-Doh so the attendees could play with it. Needless to say, I had some fun at that training and quickly realized that I learned a great deal from that training, partly due to the Play-Doh. I tend to focus better and learn more when my hands are busy.  I always carry a little thing of Play-Doh with me.

A simple thing I wish I could carry with me everywhere is something I can not carry with me for various reasons. That simple thing is my morning tea with honey and milk in it while reading the news paper in quiet. Yes, I can do this anytime of the day or night but there is something peaceful about drinking tea and reading the paper in the morning.

Mornings as well as evenings are also perfect times to do something else simple. That is taking walks. I attempt to go for a walk both in the morning and the evening as it helps a great deal with both depression and anxiety.

Music is another simple thing that people tend to forget about. A simple thing that has helped me through some extremely difficult times in my life. Music is the one simple thing that I can rely on no matter what is going on and whether or not I am doing well in regards to my mental health conditions.

If it weren’t for the difficulties I have had the last seven or so months as things slowly start to improve, I wouldn’t have been focusing on getting to the point where I am at right now which focusing on the simple things in life. Yes, some of the simple thing in life I enjoy maybe considered “childish” or “just joining the craze” but if it weren’t for those simple things I don’t think things would be improving as they are now. Granted I’m improving as fast as I would like but I am improving.

As things slowly start to improve for me, focusing on the simple things will help out a great deal. As I end this post please take time out and focus on the simple things in your life and how it could help you out. Thank you for reading. Peace out!!!

Depression Vs. Blogging

Posted on by Gertie

As I sit here struggling to blog, I realize that this ongoing bought of depression is what has been hindering me with blogging.  I realized early on in my blogging days (and I think I’m still pretty green at it) that it actually helps me manage the symptoms of my mental health conditions. With all honesty it came to me as a complete shock to me because I was expecting to help others with their recovery as well as educate those who don’t live with a mental health condition and not necessarily help me along my recovery path.

The recovery path I want to be back on is one that I know what helps me even when I am in a most vulnerable state like I am in now. I don’t like admitting that I am in a vulnerable state. I guess on a plus side of it is, that I want others to see that people are in recovery do go backwards and end up back on their feet again.

I am hoping as I slowly get back on my feet that I will be active in blogging as it helps with my depression symptoms as well as the other symptoms of other mental health conditions I am diagnosed with. Actually, if I want to get back on my feet one of the many ways is to be active in blogging.  Unfortunately, blogging is going to take a lot of effort for me to blog as my depression is still acting up and my concentration isn’t all that great. At the risk of repeating myself for the millionth time, blogging has helped me a great deal with my own recovery which is why I will give every attempt to blog once a week and hopefully have Mama Bear or Junior do a guest piece once a week. I know from experience if I post regularly it keeps people interested even if my depression is acting up. As you read in my previous post my thinking doesn’t always help my emotions and vise versa. That’s why I am wanting to blog more as it helps with processing my thoughts.

As, I end this post please take a moment of silence for those who lost their lives fighting for our freedom. For those of you who regularly read my blog and don’t live in the United States, today is Memorial Day. Memorial Day is a day where remember those who lost their lives fight for our freedom. As you enjoy your time with your friends and family today don’t forget those who made that time with your loved ones possible. Happy Memorial, everyone and Peace Out!!!

Spinning Like a Hamster Wheel

Posted on by Gertie

My mind is spinning like a hamster wheel and my emotions as well as my thinking are most likely the culprits of the hamster wheel spinning.  A spinning hamster wheel is never a good thing for me.  A spinning hamster wheel is usually never a good thing for anyone.

As I mentioned, the culprits of the annoying spinning hamster wheel are my thinking and my emotions. At this point in time I’m thinking that my thinking is effecting my emotions.  This leads me to what I need to help myself to stop the hamster wheel or at least slow it down. I will have to use a combination of both Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) skills and Dialectical Behavior (DBT) skills.

Despite being in a place I don’t want to be in that I am slowing climbing out of, I realize I am far enough in my recovery that I need to use some CBT skills along with my DBT skills. I prefer DBT over CBT but realize there are times when using CBT is just as beneficial as DBT.  I know favoring one over the other isn’t a good idea but I feel like DBT has helped me more in my recovery than  CBT has.  Weather or not what was more helpful to me and my recovery, there are times when using both sets of skills are extremely helpful.

Before I end this post to go and use skills, I realized that blogging about the spinning hamster wheel has slowed it down. So, thank you for reading. If it were for you the reader, I wouldn’t still be blogging. Again, thank you for reading. Happy Memorial Day weekend. Peace Out!!!

I Didn’t Do What I Feared I Might Do

Posted on by Gertie

If you read my last post you know that I feared yelling at both my psychiatric nurse practitioner and new therapist when I went to go see them this past Monday (May 22nd). Well, I didn’t yell or scream and neither of them especially after the news I got.

The news I received was that my psychiatric nurse practitioner will no longer be working for the program I am a part of at the mental health agency I am consumer (client) of. Yet this is another change in my treatment team that I don’t need at this point in time. Yes, it angers me but there is nothing I can do about it. I can however request that since my ARNP is a male and/or is at the location where my therapist is. I will request this when I see my case manager on Thursday. See, when my last ARNP retired I requested a male prescriber because I felt like and still feel like it will be helpful to my recovery especially with PTSD. It would also be nice to not have to go to three different locations of the mental health agency I go to see three different people which is why I would like to see whomever the new prescriber will be at, at the location where my therapist is. I am hoping that they will give me what I request as I have a lot changes as well as a great deal of loss in recent months.

As I’m writing this post, I realize I need to stop for now as I am starting to get angry as well as sad and I don’t want to get into a bad space. I just wanted to let you know how things went last Monday. I hope you al have a good night. Happy Memorial Day Weekend!!! Peace Out!!!

The Fear of What I Might Do

Posted on by Gertie

At this point in time I am angry. I don’t like being angry and grew up told that I was not allowed to be angry. In fact showing any emotion while growing up was extremely frowned upon.

Unfortunately, due to not being able to show emotions growing up, I learned some unhealthy coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms that are creeping back into my life and am attempting to not let them do so.

Those coping mechanisms are me stuffing my anger to where I do one of two things. I either explode by screaming and yelling which is usually done in a place I feel at least somewhat safe. Safe meaning I know I won’t get hurt because of my unacceptable behavior of screaming and yelling. Or I end up self harming. Something else I don’t want to do.

I tell you this because I fear of what I might do today and its partly because of my own unacceptable behavior of screaming and yelling I had on Friday at the mental health agency I am a client of.  I fear that I’m going to yell at my psychiatric nurse practitioner for a number of reasons I might disclose in a later post. I also fear that I am going to yell at my new therapist for something that is beyond her control and not fair to her. Hell, yelling on my psychiatric nurse practitioner might not be fair to him either.

I tell you this in hopes that if I share with you what I fear I might do that I won’t do it. That fear is yelling at the people who are only trying help me. I’m sharing this in hopes that I can be accountable to someone and that someone is you the reader of my blog. I hope at this moment in time that I’m not asking too much of you my reader.

On a good note, I am quite positive that I won’t act on any potential self harm urges. At this point in time the urges are nothing to be concerned about. I have a safety plan in place as a “just in case” if self harm urges become unmanageable.  So just be aware that I will get help if self harm urges appear to be unmanageable.

I appreciate each one of you who read my blog. I hope each one of you have a good Monday and wonderful work week. Peace Out!!!

A Painful Holiday Called Mother’s Day

Posted on by Gertie

I am struggling to write this particular post as it has to do with the topic of mothers. In most of the world, today its Mother’s Day. A day that can be quite painful for may individuals out there.

I know for me, Mothers Day has been a source of pain for the last 35 years. I say 35 years because my mom abandoned me and my dad when I was just the tender age of three. As difficult as it was growing up with out my mom being an active participant in my life, I am beyond grateful that I have a loving father in my life that made sure I had a positive woman influence in my life. I call her grandma. My grandma went above and beyond the call of duty and am thrilled that she took on the motherly role.

Even though my grandma played the motherly role in my life as best as she could it didn’t really fill the whole I needed from my own mom. To this day, my mom hasn’t played much of a role in my life. Well, she has played a role but it has been the role of negativity. My mom blames me a great deal with how her life ended up. I realize that having a child changes things however don’t blame the child for your life decisions. Especially decisions beyond anyone control.

Things beyond one’s control is another reason why Mothers Day is so painful for me. I miscarried two sets of twins. As much as not having a loving and caring mother around, loosing a child or in my case four children hurts like hell. When today comes around it makes me acutely aware on how difficult it is to deal with the pain of the loss of miscarrying. Pain I haven’t dealt with and really need to deal with. Pain I hope that someday I can deal with and hopefully sooner than later.

At this point in time, I realize that I’m needing to stop this particular post as it is getting difficult to continue at this moment in time.  I hope each and everyone has a good Mothers Day despite how painful it can be. Peace Out!!!

 

 

I Just Want to Get Back to Doing Well

Posted on by Gertie

It’s the middle of the night where I am at and all I want to do is cry. If you have been reading my blog you know I have struggling a great deal with my depression as well as with grief and loss. Struggling enough to where I felt it was in the best interest of the clients I serve and my recovery to resign from a job I worked endlessly to get and loved with a passion.

Anyone who as ever dealt with a mental health condition knows that there will be times where a relapse in our symptoms occur. Unfortunately, this relapse in my symptoms is lasting a bit longer than expected.  More or less what I am saying is I am not bouncing back as quickly as I have in recent years.

The thing that hasn’t helped matters much is that things haven’t been all that consistent with my therapy. No fault to anyone.  As many of you know Diana suddenly left the agency where I seek mental health services at due to cancer which is still hard on me. So, I was assigned a new therapist who happened to be the direct supervisor of Diana which was quite helpful for me. Then she left to go on to bigger and better things which got me a new therapist.

A therapist that appears to care. She seems like an older, shorter version of Diana with straighter and grayer hair. As far as the sense of humor part of things, I’m not really sure as I’ve only had three sessions with her but she appears to have a caring heart like Diana. Granted my new therapist is not a Social Worker but that is okay because she use to be a nurse which means she has the heart of Social Worker. I realize I shouldn’t be picky on the degree of the therapist just as long as they have a degree in a field to where the person can practice therapy with the right licensure but in my  experience those who have a degree in Social Work seem to work best for me.  So for me my new therapist having a degree in nursing helps a great deal as nurses have some pretty big and caring hearts.

As far as me being up in the middling of the night wanting to cry is that I woke up with a nightmare. A nightmare due to childhood trauma. Any type of trauma sucks shit especially trauma you are still working on in therapy 30 years after it started. I hope that one day I can handle the after affects of the trauma without needing therapy but one can only hope.

For me hope is the only thing I have right now. Hope that I can get back to doing well enough to go back to work. I miss work but then again my recovery is extremely important. It is hope that I must hold on to as I know how doing well feels. It is my hope that I can be back to doing well.

Being well is something I want to get back to and I think attempting get back to sleep is part of getting well. Have a great night all and peace out.