Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas!!! I hope everyone out there in the world who celebrates Christmas had a good holiday. Despite the typical family drama on both sides of my family it went fairly well. Time with Jr.’s family went well like always.

Jr. and I are in a hotel room in the town my mother and a brother live in. In fact it feels nice to have a small get away for a couple of days. Jr. and I are going to be spending some much quality time with each other the next couple of days. Our hotel room is looking over the lake and I am loving it. As I am blogging Jr. is taking a much need nap because the both of us have a long couple of days due to the Christmas holiday.

I cant help but think that next year and this time, Jr. and myself are going to have our hands full with two precious little babies. Jr. and I have been thinking on what types of Christmas traditions we want as a family. Of course many of our traditions seemed to be more geared toward when our little ones are older and I think its a good thing to plan for such traditions. Yes, we both are well aware that they will change as the kids grow older and we get to know what their personalities are like.

I am so excited that I am going to be a mama. Feeling my babies kick in my belly is the most amazing feeling in the world. Knowing that I am going to be a mama is an exciting event yet extremely overwhelming at the same time. Jr. is just as excited about becoming a papa as I am becoming a mama. He reads to my belly everyday so he can feel a connection to our children. Connection to our children is extremely important to both Jr. and myself because of the horrific past that I had as a child.

When I was a child I was severely and horrifically abused by my little brother’s father. Unfortunately, the abuse started at Christmas time and in fact was the worst at Christmas time. Christmas time is quite difficult for me due to the abuse however the holidays are slowly getting better as time goes on due to the fact of me working on the pain of the abuse in therapy. I am grateful that I have an awesome therapist that has helped me learn how to deal with the pain. I am also grateful to Jr. and my other natural supports for helping me when times get tough especially around the holidays.

The holiday season may not be easy for me however I realize that it is not easy for many people including those who do not struggle with a mental illness. I’m one of those people that wishes that the holidays were not such a difficult time for many people out there.

One thing that I do every year to make sure my holidays are good one is to read the comic books Christmas With The Superhero’s Volume One and Two.  I also watch A Charlie Brown Christmas as well as Polar Express. I do want I need to do to keep myself healthy and to build positive Christmas memories. Not only that I hope that when my twins are born that I and Jr. will give the positive and happy Christmas memories.

Well, I am going to let you all go for now so you all can have good positive Christmas memories. Not only that I want to give Jr. a good memory by being intimate with him. Peace out and Merry Christmas!!!


6 Years Of Progress Which Equals Success

Today, marks six years since my therapist Diana and I had our first session. Working with Diana the last six years have been tough because we worked on some tough shit. Shit that has needed to be dealt with and that continues to be dealt with. Its been a long difficult process for both myself and Diana.

When Diana started working at the community mental health agency I receive my services at she was freshly out grad and I wasn’t the easiest client to deal with. Despite Diana already being familiar with me due to her being an intern at the agency before getting hired on after graduating from grad school and me graduating from an intensive two year outpatient DBT program at different mental health agency, I still pushed the boundaries of our clinical relationship. Diana held her ground no matter how much I tried to push.

No matter how hard I pushed, Diana vowed to never give up on me. When I realized that Diana wasn’t going to give up on me, that’s when I realized I could open up to her with my deepest darkest secrets. Those deep dark secrets were due to some pretty traumatic events that I suffered as a child. Those secrets were and still full of pain. Pain that I have trusted Diana to see as well as to help me through. Allowing Diana to help me through the pain has allowed me to start to trust others in my life.

Being able to not only trust Diana but other people in my life has helped a great deal in my life. It has helped not only to not walk of the job at my previous employer but helped me realize what I wanted to do career wise. In fact I got motivated to get my peer certification and my current employment at mental health agency as consumer aide.  See, being able to trust people in my life I would have not been able to do the above mention with the career stuff. Most importantly, me being able to trust other people has help me be able to depend more on them (my natural support system) than my therapist, Diana and other professionals. If it weren’t for me trusting my natural support system, I would not have started dating Jr. In fact I would still just be friend with Jr. due to trust issue. Trusting Jr. enough to date him is amazing.

Amazing because, I was and am able to be intimate with him. For someone who has endured such a horrific childhood being intimate is difficult. Difficult for not only me but for Jr. as well. Its difficult for Jr. because he feels like it is his fault for the PTSD when my symptoms act up in the middle of intimate moments. If it wasn’t for those intimate moments with Jr. I would not be in the “delicate condition” I am in. If you have been reading my blog on the regular basis you know that I am pregnant with twins. It is an amazing feeling knowing that you are going to be a parent with person you love with all your heart. Even more amazing is being able to trust that person, knowing that he won’t harm you or your children. I know Jr. will be an awesome papa to his son and daughter. Yes, that means I am having one of each. Jr. is gloating over being a papa as well as gloating over me and how I am the mama of his children.

If it wasn’t for Diana, I wouldn’t be able to gloat over being a mama to be because I would have been able to trust Jr. enough to even date him much less be intimate with him. Diana has helped me great deal in many ways. No, Diana is NOT a sex therapist however if it wasn’t for her determination for NOT giving up on me I would have not been able to trust someone to be intimate with. Diana has help me gain self confidence as well helped me find what a life worth living means to me. Most importantly, Diana is the one who helped me to no longer meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and become what I like to say a Recovered Borderline. So, what I am saying is Thank You to Diana, my therapist for helping me. If it wasn’t for all the progress the last six years that you helped me with, I would not be a success. I know Diana may not read my blog because she is a busy lady however I still wanted to thank her.

Well, I am done with this blog for now. I just wanted to let you know how much progress I have had because of Diana. Have a great evening. Enjoy the rest of you week. Peace out!!

(SIDE NOTE: Diana is a pseudonym for my therapist protection as well the protection for her past, current and future clients.)

A Child’s Christmas Wish; William’s Mail

As, a mama to be I know a mother’s love for her child (or children in my case since I am having twins) starts the moment when one finds out they are pregnant. Another thing I have come to realize is that I will do just about anything to make my children’s lives as happy and enjoyable as possible and protect them to the best of my ability. So, when I saw a news story on a local news station about a mom wanting to fulfill her 12 year old Autistic son, Williams Christmas wish I knew I had to help spread the word. All, William wants for Christmas is mail. I meant to blog about this earlier but life got busy. (Side Note: Links to the Facebook and Twitter accounts as well as the address is at the end of the this particular post.) The following is a letter that William’s mother wrote on a Facebook account she set up to make her sons Christmas wish come true:

Williams Mail

I have never done, or asked anything like this before, but I felt the need to. That need that comes from being a mom and wanting to do everything in your power to make your child happy. It seems like such a small thing but it is the few things that drive a mothers soul. The need to protect and the need to bring joy to your kids faces.

My son, William is 12 years old. He is an amazing kid. He rarely asks for much. He is full of love, joy and happiness. William is smart, funny and awesome. William also has Autism (severe) and is also non verbal. (he can not talk). During Christmas time (his absolute favorite time of the year) he always asks me for the things he wants, and they are always the same. He wants Mr.Sketch Markers, Copy Paper, Lays Regular Chips, and whatever Blu Ray is on his mind for his collection. (His “thing” is movies). He is the easiest and hardest to shop for. I am always looking for new things to add to the list but he usually is not interested and just wants what he wants

This is where my request comes in. This year he asked for something new! I almost fell over when he added it to the box (his Christmas wish list box) and the new item is……….. MAIL! Mail. Mail. He LOVES getting mail. Half of our family lives in Northern Canada and the other half lives in Southern USA so he gets mail from family a couple times a year. I always knew he loved getting his mail but when he asked for it, I cried. I actually sat here and cried. Both happy and sad tears. Happy because he was expressing his wants and sad because of how I was going to figure out how to get him what he wants. He is such an amazing kid and he rarely wants for anything, I really want to make something special for him.

Let me tell you why I was sad. William has never had people come to his birthdays or has he been invited to any. No one asks William to come over for playdates or sleep overs. There are a small handful of kids in his class with needs of their own so I understand why. It is not anyone’s fault, it just is what it is. My family lives 1000 miles in one direction and my kids other family (fathers side) lives 1000 miles in the other so there is no family here for us. My teenage daughter is always out, socializing, hanging with friends and sometimes it just breaks my heart. I wish William had that too, but life has other plans for this amazing kid.

Many people assume since he can not talk that he does not understand. Well, let me tell you, this kid understands. He understands a lot. He understands too much. He just can not communicate the way we do, but he is sharp as a tack. He feels love and affection and I think he finds mail from others as affection. He carries around the last box that was sent to him. He covets the post cards. He wants me to read mail to him (even though he is an excellent reader) he wants to send mail. He LOVES mail and asks me for it now (the past couple weeks) multiple times a day. He writes MAIL on his drawings, he brings me the key to check the mail. I think he truly appreciate mail.

Now to my request. I have been racking my brains for a couple weeks. I want to make this year special for this most special boy. He has nothing but love in him and I want him to feel the love from others. If you want to help a kind soul this year, I am asking for strangers to send him mail. I want him to know the world loves and values him in a way that he understands and feels. I have been buying stamps and have been “creating” mail for Christmas. I have enlisted my small family (there is only a handful) to send mail to him for Christmas. I was hoping someone out there would want to sit down and send mail to William. He deserves to feel the love from the world like the rest of us do because he makes this world a better place. He deserves all the mail in the world according to me , but I am his mommy so I am bias.

I know, it may seem strange to ask strangers for mail but this is the only way I can think of to fulfill my sons Christmas wish. I am starting a page, and if people write letters to him on it, I will print the letters off and turn them into mail. If you feel inclined to send this amazing kid a piece of mail, I will save it until Christmas morning and when he wakes up, he will wake up to his beloved mail.

He loves his mail so much that his weekly treat is to visit the Post Office so he can get a Mail Box (a priority mail box) and when we get home he wants me to put Mail in it (usually just one of his BluRays) and he gets so happy to open it. He also carries around this Christmas USPS flier thingy they sent out a while ago with their Christmas stamps.

Please take the time to consider my request. It would mean the world to a very special young boy whose only real wish this year is to open MAIL It would mean the world to this Momma , William and his big sister Victoria too, we just want to make it a very special Christmas for a very special boy…/Williams-Mail/1575623412666921

If you would like to learn more about what to write or what William likes to talk about please read this link.

Twitter @mail4william

Williams Mail
PMB# 175
816 Peace Portal Dr.
Blaine, Washington

I Would Have Laughed In Your Face & Told You………

It’s difficult to wrap my mind around that it is the First Day of December. That means that we only have one more month left of 2014. Where has the year gone?

I may not know where this year has gone but I do know how fast it has gone by. This year has taught me a great deal about myself and how much strength I actually have. It also has taught me how persistent I am and how much I really do know how to persevere. It has been an amazing year despite the deep sorrow I had at the beginning of the year that I am still dealing with. I am grateful for all the things I have endured this year, both the good, the bad and the ugly.

In fact the last two years (2013 and 2104), have been the best two years of my life thus far. If you would have told me back on December 1, 2012, what my life was going to be like the next two years, I would have honestly laughed in your face and told you that you belong in a state hospital. My life has had an amazing turn of events the last two years.

Lets start with last year, 2013. 2013 started like any other year, with me wondering what the year was going to bring. Little did I know what 2013 was going to bring. In April of 2013 I trusted my gut and started dating my boyfriend Jr. July was a pretty a pretty big month for me. July was the first time I had sexual intercourse willingly. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe that someone in their mid-thirties having sex for the first time willingly however I was afraid of sex due to severe childhood trauma and never trusted anyone to have sex with till I met Jr. July was also the month I took the week long 40 hour peer specialist/counselor training so I could be able to take the exam and become certified. I also found out that July that I was pregnant with my first set of twins. Last but not least, July was the month my therapist, Diana, told me that I no longer meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). August was a month full different emotions. I was getting use the idea of being pregnant with twins while studying for the peer specialist/counseling exam at the end of August. August was also the month a dear childhood friend of mine died at the age of 31 from an aggressive form of ovarian cancer. That was difficult for me especially since I couldn’t get time off from my previous employer to attend her funeral. September brought good news despite grieving over the death of a friend. That good news was I passed my peer specialist/counseling exam. I passed it with a 92% and needed an 80% to pass. I was beyond thrilled that passed in the 90’s. November was an extremely sad time for both myself and Jr. I miscarried twins at 19 weeks. In fact I miscarried while my own therapist had only been on maternity leave for two weeks. Yes, I was seeing a temporary therapist at the time however its not the same as your own therapist.  Needless to say the rest of 2013 was spent in grief of not only my childhood friend but the twins I had lost. Despite the loss’s I had in 2013, it was still an amazing year. A year I never thought would happen. I never thought I would be far along in recovery to become certified as peer specialist/counselor much less have a loving boyfriend that I was (and still am) intimate with and madly in love with. 2013 was a year I could say was full of recovery.

As you can imagine 2014 started out with some difficulty. In fact I held a great deal of my pain in, till my therapist got back from maternity leave in February. Once, Diana got back from maternity leave it took me a few more months to allow myself to grieve over the loss of the twins. I finally broke down in April of 2014 and ended up cutting myself on two different occasions. I cut myself because the pain of miscarrying was just way too much for me. Both times I ended up in the E.R to get the cuts checked out as well as be evaluated for my mental illness. Thankfully, I was able to convince the social workers and doctors that I didn’t need hospitalization.  See, in the past I would have taken the opportunity to be hospitalized for mental health issues even though the reason why I cut was due to grief. To me that’s a major step in my recovery. Part of the reason why I fought so hard to stay out of the hospital was because I was waiting to hear back from two potential employers to get a job as a peer. I didn’t get either job I had an interview for in April however, May turned out to be pretty good.  I found out that I would be able to take the training in August to be a call taker at the Warm Line. June and July of this year I had two more interviews for a peer specialist/counseling job which again I didn’t get either job. August was bumpy. At the beginning of August I ended up in the E.R again due to cutting over the grief of miscarrying twins. Thankfully, I wasn’t hospitalized because if I was, I wouldn’t have been able to continue you with the Warm Line training much less become a call taker in September. August was also the month I had an interview for as well as found out that I got my current job. It was also the month I put in my two weeks notices at my previous employer. The ending of August and the beginning of September were quite difficult because I thought I was going to loose my father. I had to make the decision to put him on life support and a tracheotomy which saved his life. He is no longer on life support and he got his trachea out. September was when I ended my previous employment and started my current employment as a Consumer Aide at a local mental health agency. I also started being a call taker at the Warm Line. In fact at the end of September I found out I was not only pregnant again but pregnant with twins. October was a month of adjustment for me. I was getting adjusted to not only a new job and volunteer job but another pregnancy.  November 1st marked three years since I was last discharged from an inpatient psych ward. I never would have thought I would be out three years. I guess that means that as of today I have been out three years and one month. This is the longest I have been out of the hospital for psych reasons. Now you can see why the last two years have been amazing despite all its difficulties.

I honestly would have never thought I could fall in love with the most amazing man much less be able to trust him to have sex with him. I never thought possible that I would ever be a recovered Borderline cause I was so severely Borderline. I also never thought I would be out of a psych ward for more than three years. That is why I said that I would have laughed in your face and told you that you belong in the state hospital. Recovery is a choice. I chose to convince the social workers and doctors in the E.R to not admit to a psych ward. I chose to pick myself up and wipe myself off due to all the loss I have dealt with. For me, dealing with my problems head on including the symptoms of my mental illness is key to my recovery.

Well, I think this blog entry is long enough. I think you get the idea what I’m trying to convey; that recovery is well worth it despite bumps in the road. I love my life and everything that come with it and yes that even means the pain. I may not like dealing with pain but I rather be able to deal with it like a “normal” person than be stuck in and out of hospitals due to psych reasons.

I really need to get going now. I hope to blog again in the next day or two. Have a good night all. Peace out!!