All Night In The Hospital = All Day Asleep

Good Evening, World!!! I spent nine plus hours in the hospital last due to the fact I was having some strong urges to self harm. I did not self harm because, I took myself to the hospital so I wouldn’t self harm.

Since I don’t sleep very well in the Emergency Room, I came home and cancelled my appointment with my therapist. He did call me back and rescheduled for tomorrow. We also discussed the reasons the reasons I ended up in the hospital. We also discussed how well the hospital staff treated me. It has been my experience that when going into the Emergency Room for mental health challenges, I get treated quite rudely. This time around was different. The nurses, doctors and the social worker treated quite well. I explained to my therapist that it made the Emergency Room visit a wee bit more tolerable.

As I was waited to been seen in by everyone while laying on a bed in the hallway of the emergency room, I was given permission by the doctor to have my reading glasses and my book to read since everything was taking so long. I am really getting into the fantasy book that I am reading.

Thank you so much for reading my blog. I apologize for not blogging sooner today, I was just way too tired to do so and needed to sleep most of the day. It is now five o’clock in my corner of the world. That means I will be going to watch the five o’clock news and making dinner to eat. Thank you again for reading my blog. It is extremely appreciated from my end. You all are awesome and hope you all continue reading. Especially since I have been have some downs lately after having some ups. Have a good evening!!! Peace Out, World!!!

Sleepless In Seattle Due to an Asthma Attack

Right now, I don’t want to wish anyone a good fucking morning as I am sitting in a hospital bed dealing with an asthma attack. I have been dealing with asthma as long as I can remember and this is the worst attack that I have had in several years. I blame it on the poor air quality due to all the smoke the wild fires are burning.

The thing that pisses me off the most is the doctor thought I was faking it to make it look more like an anxiety attack to get some strong anti-anxiety meds but boy was he wrong when the nurse looked over me and stated that it’s a real case of asthma. The doctor was not too happy with the nurse but the nurse saved my life by doing her actual job when doctor really didn’t do anything at all.

As I sit here at my laptop, I am receiving some breathing treatments. They appear to be working as it seems like I am breathing better. The nurse should be back shortly to see how things are going for me.

Hopefully, I won’t be here too much longer. I hope your Tuesday starts off better than my Tuesday has. I can’t wait to get back home to my cat, Lil Gertie. I am sure she (my cat) is wondering where the hell I am.

Thank you for reading my sickly post. I will be better in no time. Have a great Tuesday and thank you for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Pain, Pain, Go Away, Please

Good Evening, World!! Right now I am frustrated with myself. Actually, I am frustrated with the pain I have in my hand. A pain which I caused a few days ago. A pain that is getting worse and not better.

In fact it was getting better along with the swelling starting to subside however it started getting worse this afternoon so I called the consulting nursing line. They asked what I was doing for pain control as well for the swelling. I informed them that I was taking Tylenol and/or Ibuprofen as direct by a doctor as well as icing it and mindfulness and meditation techniques. The nurse was quite surprised and is “impressed” by what I am doing. She suggested I go to the Emergency Room (E.R) and I think I am going to so that.

I will let you know what happens. Thanks for reading. Peace Out, World!!!

Visit With Grandma

Good Afternoon, World!!! It’s been a challenging day. First with social security and then with my grandma. She is still alive but not coherent when she is awake. She recognizes who we are just not able to talk which is difficult for my family and I.

Being able visit with my grandma has been helpful for me with the grief I am dealing with. Not only has it been helpful for me but I think it’s more helpful for my grandpa that I am here. In all honesty it appears that my grandpa is relieved that I have come by to visit.

I should get going as the hospice nurse just showed up. Have a great afternoon. Peace Out, World!!!

Bruised Face & Stitches Where The Sun Don’t Shine

Hello, World!!! It is just barely two in the morning in my neck of the woods. I haven’t had the best of nights. I was sexually assaulted yesterday evening. Unfortunately, Junior is working his shift as a firefighter so I don’t have his support at the moment.

I will however have his support once he gets home later on in the morning. I didn’t call 911 but I did take myself to the emergency room (E.R) to get checked out. I have a bruised up face and stitches where the sun don’t shine. Yes, I did get a rape kit done but haven’t filed a police report yet. I plan making a police report later on in the morning when Junior gets home as having the support might be easier for me to report it.

Thank you for reading and sorry for the sad and awful news. I know I will get through this with the help of my friends and the professionals that help me. I hope to keep you all updated. I hope everyone has a great day. Peace Out!!!

I Just Want to Get Back to Doing Well

It’s the middle of the night where I am at and all I want to do is cry. If you have been reading my blog you know I have struggling a great deal with my depression as well as with grief and loss. Struggling enough to where I felt it was in the best interest of the clients I serve and my recovery to resign from a job I worked endlessly to get and loved with a passion.

Anyone who as ever dealt with a mental health condition knows that there will be times where a relapse in our symptoms occur. Unfortunately, this relapse in my symptoms is lasting a bit longer than expected.  More or less what I am saying is I am not bouncing back as quickly as I have in recent years.

The thing that hasn’t helped matters much is that things haven’t been all that consistent with my therapy. No fault to anyone.  As many of you know Diana suddenly left the agency where I seek mental health services at due to cancer which is still hard on me. So, I was assigned a new therapist who happened to be the direct supervisor of Diana which was quite helpful for me. Then she left to go on to bigger and better things which got me a new therapist.

A therapist that appears to care. She seems like an older, shorter version of Diana with straighter and grayer hair. As far as the sense of humor part of things, I’m not really sure as I’ve only had three sessions with her but she appears to have a caring heart like Diana. Granted my new therapist is not a Social Worker but that is okay because she use to be a nurse which means she has the heart of Social Worker. I realize I shouldn’t be picky on the degree of the therapist just as long as they have a degree in a field to where the person can practice therapy with the right licensure but in my  experience those who have a degree in Social Work seem to work best for me.  So for me my new therapist having a degree in nursing helps a great deal as nurses have some pretty big and caring hearts.

As far as me being up in the middling of the night wanting to cry is that I woke up with a nightmare. A nightmare due to childhood trauma. Any type of trauma sucks shit especially trauma you are still working on in therapy 30 years after it started. I hope that one day I can handle the after affects of the trauma without needing therapy but one can only hope.

For me hope is the only thing I have right now. Hope that I can get back to doing well enough to go back to work. I miss work but then again my recovery is extremely important. It is hope that I must hold on to as I know how doing well feels. It is my hope that I can be back to doing well.

Being well is something I want to get back to and I think attempting get back to sleep is part of getting well. Have a great night all and peace out.

Struggling A Little Bit

     It’s another Thursday and I have been struggling a bit for about a week or two now. I didn’t realize how badly I was struggling till this past Monday (8/11/2014) when I dissociated. The unfortunate part of the dissociated state it that I ended up cutting. I am so disappointed that I cut. I hadn’t cut in three years. When I started coming out of the dissociated state and realized what I had done, I freaked out and called 911. Of course the fire department came and checked me out and then I was taken to the emergency room.

      My experience in the emergency room wasn’t the best I have had in the 14 years I have been going to this particular ER for both psych and medical reasons. On the positive side both of the physicians were caring and sincere in wanting to help me. It was both the nurse and the social worker that didn’t make my experience all that great. The nurse was just negative with me the entire night. She told me that I needed to get my act together and that if it wasn’t for the HIPPA law that she would tell my boss’s about what happened. (Side note: The nurse shops at the grocery store I work at on the regular basis). When the social worker finally talked to me her demeanor was as if she didn’t want to be at work or got the short straw to talk to me. I told the social worker what the nurse said and the social worker told me that the nurse would never say that and I that I was being “hostile.” The question I have is how can I be hostile if I am sitting on the floor in a corner of the room with a blanket around me and sucking my thumb holding a stuffed animal. If that’s “hostile” then I would hate to think what her (the social workers) point of view is on violent behavior. The social worker then had the guts to tell me that she didn’t believe me that I dissociated. As she told me this one of the doctors came in to check on me and well he didn’t seem too happy with the social worker at the moment. The doctor asked how I was doing and I said I was doing better (which I was) and then said that he believed me. This doctor has treated me before and knows that I dissociate. Well, to make a long story short the doctor talked to the social work who in return said, I’m only apologizing because I was asked to. I really don’t like it when people are forced to apologize to me or others when they don’t mean it but am grateful that doctor cared enough to talk to her. His heart was in the right place. Thankfully, I wasn’t hospitalized. I was sent home.

    For me being sent home was a good thing. It means that I am far enough in my recovery process that I can continue to do what I need to do in my everyday life. For me going on with my life is what I need to do. That means continue going to my volunteer training at the Warm Line as well as going  to my volunteer job at the homeless shelter. That also mean I will go to work tomorrow as well as on Saturday and any shifts I have next week. For me if I wasn’t in recovery I wouldn’t have bothered going to the Warm Line training this past Tuesday as well as my listening shift last night nor would have I gone to my volunteer job at the homeless shelter. I consider this episode as a relapse. I am picking up where I left off before I dissociated and harmed myself. Another thing I am waiting on is my therapist to call me back. She was sick on Tuesday and doesn’t work on Wednesdays and hoping she is back in the office today. If she is still out today I will just see her at my regularly scheduled appointment. As much as I am beating myself up over what happened I have to get up and dust myself up and make the choice to continue my recovery process.

     I debated whether or not to share this with you because I didn’t want to trigger anyone nor did I want to worry anyone. I decided to blog about after I discussed it with my natural support system and they said it would be a good idea because it will show that I am human (which I am) and that I can pick up with my life even though its a little difficult at the moment. Yes, I know I blogged on Tuesday but I didn’t have my mind wrapped around what happen the night before and needed some space before I blogged about it. Now there is enough space and decided blog about what happened with the encouragement from the people who care about me. I am hoping that me blogging about this shows that people with mental illness can work through there issues as they continue with their everyday life. For me to continue with my everyday life is key to my recovery. It is my hope that this blog entry can show others struggling with mental illness that recovery is possible even if you relapse and that hope is out even if you relapse. I am worried about what my therapist is going to say on Monday but I will deal with that when it comes. As much as I don’t like my job I am looking forward to work tomorrow. I am grateful that I am able to work. Continuing to go on with my everyday life is something I’ve learned to do to not go farther backwards.

     Speaking of continuing with everyday life I need to get going. I need to eat and get my work clothes ready for tomorrow before I go to my volunteer training at the Warm Line. Have a good rest of your Thursday. I hope I didn’t trigger or worry anyone. Peace out!!