The Sh*t That Is On My Mind

Good Evening, World!!! It has been a few days since I last posted. I have attempted to post but hit road blocks and writers block along the way. So today, I am saying fuck it to both the road blocks and writers block and just write what I am thinking at the moment. Yes, it is a scary thought. Yes, I will be writing what I am exactly at the moment. Yes, it might not make sense.

Right now I am dealing with some fucking anger. Anger over the mass shooting in California. Why in the hell is this shit still fucking happening? Why is the media blaming mental health challenges, yet again on the mass shooting? Why are people on social media sites doing the same thing? Seriously, people who have a mental health challenge are more likely to be the victim of a violent crime than a perpetrator of one. Why can’t mainstream media share that?

Okay, if you are a regular reader, you know I live in Seattle, Washington. Anyway a couple of initiatives recently passed here in Washington. One was for better gun control. I personally had mixed feelings on this initiative because of possible HIPPA violations. I would have voted for it if it weren’t for the HIPPA violations. I am all for common sense gun control but when it violates a persons medical privacy then its an issue for me. Another initiative  that passed and I voted for is better and more training for police officers in regards to people who are in a mental health crisis. I don’t understand why people have an issue over more training for police officers. Hell, I personally think any type of training for any career is a good thing.

I am having some high anxiety right now. I haven’t had therapy last week or this week due to my therapist being out sick. I can’t help but think this is going to be another repeat of what happened when Diana left unexpectedly two years ago due to a cancer diagnosis. I feel like I am have very similar conversations with the on call clinicians that I had two years ago as I “have no evidence” that my therapist wont be coming back which is true but when its happened before you tend to worry and be anxious about such things. I just don’t need another change in my mental health care. I hope my therapist gets better and does come back but I’m not holding my breath at the moment. I don’t think the clinicians I’ve talked to over the last two week really understand the fear I am having right now especially with having a new job and the holidays coming up.

Thanks for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone has a great weekend ahead. I am grateful for each one of you who read my blog. Again, thank you for reading. Have a wonderful evening as well as a good weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

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11:00 pm Randomness

Hello, World!!! It is eleven o’clock at night in my corner of the world. I went to a work training this evening and enjoyed it immensely. Talking about work I was asked earlier today (Wednesday) if I could cover someone’s shift tomorrow (Thursday) night and I said yes. I need the hours and extra money. It is going to be my first shift by myself and I am okay with that. At least I know that there will be two other staff members downstairs managing the emergency shelter that if I need help that I will be able to get it. So, even though I am sleepy right now and could maybe fall asleep, I am trying to stay up all night so I can sleep tomorrow during the day. Like I have said before my shifts are at night. They are from 8:00 pm to 8:00 am. So, I figure if I stay awake tonight I can sleep tomorrow and manage to stay awake during my twelve hour night shift tomorrow (Thursday).

Besides attending a training for work today, I also went to a group therapy session. The group was about communication. I enjoyed the group and I plan on going to it next Wednesday. I am hoping it will help me with my communication skills especially when it comes to health communication.

I not only attended group therapy, I saw my therapist today. We discussed the assault that happened to me at the hospital a few days ago. We also discussed the shooting that happened in front of my apartment building earlier today. We discussed how both can affect my mental health specifically my PTSD.  I really like my therapist and he is really good at his job.

Before I forget I emailed my supervisor and three others from work regarding my disability without divulging too much about it. I discussed with them in the email two my accommodations and will let them know my other accommodations by November 2nd which is in a week and two days. I am proud of myself for letting my employer know about my disability and my needs regarding my disability.

I need to figure out away to stay up all night or at least most of the night so I can sleep during the day tomorrow (Thursday) so I can work effectively Thursday night into Friday morning.  So, if I post a great deal tonight, it is because I am trying to stay awake and not sleep. It will have nothing to do with not being able to not sleep. Who knew blogging would help me stay awake for me to sleep during the day.

Well, I am sure I will be blogging again later tonight. Not sure what I will be blogging about later on but I am sure some of it will be a bunch bullshit nobody really wants to read or hear about. So I hope that the blogging through the night will not only help me but help you my reader.

Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. It means a lot to me from the bottom of my heart. Again, thank you for reading. I hope all of you have a good nights sleep as I attempt to stay awake so I can sleep during the day tomorrow (Thursday) so I can stay awake for work Thursday night. Good night everyone. Peace Out, World

More Tuesday Randomness

Hello, once again, World!!! As I mentioned to you in my last two post I slept most of the day due to being in the hospital most of the night last night. Well, I am still quite sleepy and might go to be early. It is only 8:45 in the evening in my corner of the world. So after I am done posting this post I might call it a night.

As many tomorrow is Wednesday and I have a busy day. My day will start with me going to a phone bank to volunteer. Yes, I said phone bank. What I am going to be doing at the phone bank is calling people to remind people to vote. Specifically, asking individuals to vote for certain politicians. Yes, I am volunteering for a particular political party which I won’t disclose due to not wanting to start a political battle on my blog. I just feel like this years mid term elections are extremely import this year. More so than any other mid term election.

After I am done volunteering at the political phone bank I am going to my local mental health agency to not only see my therapist but attend a communications group. I would have saw my therapist today but I slept most of the day due to being in the emergency room all night last night and needed the sleep. Since I am going to be going to see my therapist tomorrow I might as well as attend a new group on healthy communication. I figure that I can always learn something new about communication as I don’t communicate very well at times. So, I’ll be seeing my therapist and attending group therapy.

After attending group and seeing my therapist I will be going out to dinner with some from friends. We are not sure where we are going yet. We just know we are not going to Red Robin even though I would prefer to go to Red Robin.  All I know is I am looking forward to spending time with friends while enjoying some good food.

After a semi early dinner with friends, I will be going to a work training tomorrow evening. I am looking forward to the training as the training is something I haven’t really learned about in previous work training’s at previous employers. The one thing I need to do is look at my work email tomorrow morning so I am all caught up on work related stuff. I am looking forward to the training.

Now that I have informed you on what I am going to do tomorrow, Wednesday, I want to kindly remind you of something which I have already done recently. That reminder is that I have advertisements on my blog. I have those advertisements on my blog to earn some extra money even if it is a few extra cents. Every times someone clicks an advertisement (and lets it fully load), I can earn as little as a few cents or as much as a couple of dollars. I know it doesn’t sound like much but each penny counts.  It will help buy gift for family and friends for the upcoming holiday season despite what holiday they celebrate. So please do this blogger a good thing so I can give gifts to those who love and care about me. It would mean a great deal to me if you are able to click on an ad once or twice a week if not more.

Thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. It means a great deal to me that I have people who read my blog. You all mean the world to me. So thank you for reading my blog again. I hope everyone has a great rest of their Tuesday. Peace Out, World!!!

All Night In The Hospital = All Day Asleep

Good Evening, World!!! I spent nine plus hours in the hospital last due to the fact I was having some strong urges to self harm. I did not self harm because, I took myself to the hospital so I wouldn’t self harm.

Since I don’t sleep very well in the Emergency Room, I came home and cancelled my appointment with my therapist. He did call me back and rescheduled for tomorrow. We also discussed the reasons the reasons I ended up in the hospital. We also discussed how well the hospital staff treated me. It has been my experience that when going into the Emergency Room for mental health challenges, I get treated quite rudely. This time around was different. The nurses, doctors and the social worker treated quite well. I explained to my therapist that it made the Emergency Room visit a wee bit more tolerable.

As I was waited to been seen in by everyone while laying on a bed in the hallway of the emergency room, I was given permission by the doctor to have my reading glasses and my book to read since everything was taking so long. I am really getting into the fantasy book that I am reading.

Thank you so much for reading my blog. I apologize for not blogging sooner today, I was just way too tired to do so and needed to sleep most of the day. It is now five o’clock in my corner of the world. That means I will be going to watch the five o’clock news and making dinner to eat. Thank you again for reading my blog. It is extremely appreciated from my end. You all are awesome and hope you all continue reading. Especially since I have been have some downs lately after having some ups. Have a good evening!!! Peace Out, World!!!

Phuck This Sh*t

Good Morning, once again, World!!! I was almost asleep when the stupid fire alarm decided to go off once again. This time it was a malfunctioning fire alarm. So apparently, sleep is not in the cards for me.  Having the fire alarm go off five times sucks shit. Three off those times was due to the fire alarm malfunctioning while the other two time people decided to cook food while doing drugs and caught their stove on fire.

So, since it is apparent that I won’t be getting any sleep, I plan on going to day treatment instead of staying home. That means I will be going to art group. Hopefully, I will be able to meet with my therapist for about fifteen minutes to check in with him after what happened to me last night at the hospital.

I guess all that has happened since going to the hospital yesterday afternoon and the frequent fire alarms at home are getting to me. Getting to me enough that I need to not be in isolation mode. That is why I am going to day treatment and then art group.

Everything that has gone on has triggered my PTSD greatly. Having triggered PTSD sucks shit. I wish I didn’t have PTSD. In fact anyone who has PTSD wishes they didn’t have it.

Thank you for reading my blog. Even though its the third post in just barely over three hours. It is greatly appreciated. Have a great week everyone. Peace Out, World!!!

It’s Been a Busy Couple of Weeks

Hello, World!!! It has been almost two weeks since I last posted. I have been busy with a lot of things lately especially job related. I’ve done my three shadowing shifts that I needed to do. In fact it is suppose to be six shadowing shifts however everyone I shadowed informed my supervisor that I don’t need all six shadowing shifts. I still have other training’s I need to do as part of my job. Despite having to do more training’s for work, I still yet to be called to do a shift for someone as I am an on call shelter counselor.

On top of work stuff I have been volunteering at the Warm Line as well as a group facilitator at a peer run agency. Not only am volunteering two places and working I am also volunteering for two local politicians. I am the annoying person who calls you to remind you to vote and to endorse the candidate I am volunteering for. So, yes, I am getting more involved with politics this year. I loved it the last time I did it and have decided to do this year.

I have also been going to doctors appointments every two weeks. This is to help me not go to the emergency room for minor health issues as well as mental health stuff. It appears to be working a great deal as it is keeping me from going to the emergency room for minor health issues.

On top of seeing my regular doctor every two weeks, I am seeing my therapist twice a week.  He is doing this to help me stay out of the emergency room as well the extra support I need right now in regards to my new job. My therapist is amazing. He is just as amazing as Gilbert and Diana were.

Thank you for reading. I hope to be more vigilant when it comes to blogging on the more regular basis. I am grateful for all of you who read my blog regularly. Have a goodnight everyone. Peace out, world!!!

Hump Day Morning Ramblings

Good Morning, World!!! Happy Hump (Wednesday) Day!!! I woke up extremely early this morning due to a fucking nightmare and couldn’t get back to sleep. I have attempted many times since waking up to post but am finally in a space to be able to do so.

Just like this morning, I didn’t have a good morning yesterday. In fact my day yesterday (Tuesday) was shitty. I woke up yesterday with strong urges to self harm which I did NOT act on. I thankfully had an appointment my doctor and I was noticeably upset which is rare for my doctor to witness. We discussed the issues of self harm and did a safety plan before we called my therapist. Surprisingly, he picked up and the three of us talked. We decided that I would go see my therapist yesterday for an unexpected session.

When I attended my unexpected session yesterday, my therapist and I spent an hour and a half talking about what the hell was going on with me. We discussed self harm issues of course.  We also discussed how a combination of the grief with my grandma and the stress of starting a new job which could be causing the high urges to self harm. During our unexpected session yesterday we both agreed that me coming in today for my regularly scheduled appointment would be very much needed.

So, when I woke up this morning with a nightmare, I also woke up feeling suicidal and having urges to self harm. So that is when I called the after hours crisis line I am able to call when I am in a crisis. As I talked with the woman on the other end who knows me well, we discussed ways to keep myself safe till I see my therapist later this morning. So, yes, I can keep myself safe till I talk with my therapist and come up with another safety plan with him during our appointment.

Another thing that is keeping me from self harm and dying by suicide is that I have a training I need to be at for work this evening. So, working is actually helping me with keeping myself safe from myself.

Thank you for reading my blog. It is very much appreciated. I am grateful for all of you because you read my blog. I hope everyone has an awesome day. Peace Out, World!!!

(SIDE NOTE: I will NOT attempt to die by suicide and I will NOT harm myself.)