Weekly Check-In

Good Afternoon, World!!! If you been reading my blog on the regular basis you know that I have been struggling with the symptoms of my mental health condition. You may have noticed that I have making an effort to blog on the more regular basis. I’m doing this for a multitude of reasons. One is to keep you, the reader, interested in continuing to read my blog. Two, is more of the selfish part of me blogging and an unexpected bonus I didn’t realize was going to happen when I started is that its helping me with my recovery. I have many other reasons I am making an effort to blog more regularly however I am sure those reasons will bore you.

As you are aware that this past week has been a challenging one for me. Challenging in many ways yet I managed to get through some of them with creativity. Creativity in the ways of art and poetry. The main way I did both my art and poetry this past week was collaging and I really enjoyed it. I think its something I’ll continue to do on the regular basis.

Something that appears to be happening on the regular basis for me especially over the last two weeks and I haven’t even been trying is advocating. I’ve had several people inform me in the past two weeks is that I am really good at advocacy including self-advocacy. I don’t know about being good at advocacy especially when it comes to self-advocacy, I just do and say what I think needs to be done. If that’s advocacy then so be it.

I bring up the self-advocacy up because I was signed up to take a continuing education training for peers. A continuing education course I signed up for several months ago. I was informed yesterday (Friday) that I was waitlisted due to the fact that I’m not employed as a peer currently and priority goes to employed peers. I understand this full well and would have let it go and not advocated for myself if I was informed sooner. See, the continuing education training is this Monday and I made arrangements and rearranged appointments to be able to attend it. So, since I was informed on such short notice I thought it would be best to email the folks putting on the training. Since I advocated for myself and the training ending up in a “slightly bigger room” the folks doing the training said I could attend. I realize they couldn’t do this for everyone on the waitlist and won’t be able to this for me in the future however I am grateful that they made an exception for me. In fact the folks putting on the training informed me on who was doing the training happens to be someone I did a continuing education training with a few years ago. A person I have become friends with. I am looking forward to seeing them on Monday.

Now that we are on the topic of friends, two of my friends decided that I needed a girls night out. Or in this case a girls night in. They decided this because I’ve been isolating myself due to an increase of symptoms in my depression. I’m thrilled that they were persistent in their efforts to get me out of my apartment. We ended up at one of my friends places to watch the Seattle Mariners play against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. I did have a good time with my friends even though they were rooting for the wrong baseball team. Actually, I’m just living in the wrong city but I love this city I’m living in. I just have to deal with getting a hard time on occasion when I root for particular sports teams.

Looks like I’ve pretty much told you how my week has gone. That means I’m at the end of my blog post. I hope to blog again tomorrow however if I don’t, I’ll make sure I do on Monday evening. I want to share with you how the continuing education training goes. I hope that everyone has a good rest of their weekend. Peace Out!!!

 

Girls Night In

Good Evening, World!!! As, I sit here blogging, I’m with two of my closest friends watching a baseball game on television even though its being played in the city we live in. My friends decided to have a girls night to help me get from isolating myself and I am grateful for them for it.

As I mentioned my friends and I are watching a baseball game on television. We are watching the Seattle Mariners play at home against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. I am rooting for the Angels because they are my home team while my two friends are rooting for their home team, the Mariners (fondly known as the M’s). Its the top of the 9th inning and the Angels are a head 6 to 5 at the moment.  Well, now its the bottom of the 9th inning. Same score as stated earlier.

As part of girls night we had the typical ballpark favorites. We had hot dogs, cracker jacks, peanuts, popcorn, Pepsi and lets not forget Seattle’s favorite at any sporting event of garlic French fries. We are now eating ice cream sundaes. Oh how I love ball park food.

Mariners are now up at the bottom of the 9th. Two outs and the score is Angels 6 and Mariners 5. I really want the Angels to win. Baseball is my one of my favorite sports to watch. It actually helps me get outside of my head.

And the Angels WIN. Woo Hoo!!! I am so happy they won.

Like I was saying watching baseball helps me. It helps me get out of my head. It helps me be able to not isolate. For instance, my friends I may not have attended the game tonight but it helped me not isolate because my friends and I watched on television.

I need to get going so I can spend time with my friends to continue girls night in. Have waonderful night everyone. Peace Out, World.

Fighting With Myself

I’m fighting within myself. Fighting against the old behavior creepy back in (as mentioned in my last post). Fighting against urges to self-harm. Fighting to stay alive.

A fight I feel all alone in yet I’m not fighting alone. I’m not fighting this alone because I have a partner that loves me and friends that care about me that are by my side. Having people in my life that are helping me fight this fight is what is helping me make the limited good choices I am making in my life. Choices that I wish were easy for me to make but are difficult to do so due to the fact my symptoms are high.

As I deal with difficulties with my symptoms I realize that there are only so much Junior and the rest of my natural supports are able to do. I feel like I am burden to them and my treatment team even though I’m sure I am not a burden to them. I just don’t want to be in constant crisis or have those closest to me worry about me regarding weather or not I’m going to act on urges to self-harm.

Speaking of safety and urges to self-harm, I want to make you aware that if I was going to act on those urges, I would be taking myself to the Emergency Room (E.R) instead of blogging about it.  Yes, I might blog about having urges to self-harm and maybe even blog about acting on self-harm urges but I will never put you my reader (or even WordPress) in a place to where you feel the need to contact someone (WordPress, the police, fire department, etc.) because you fear I might be a danger to myself. If I am ever a danger to myself, I promise I will go to an E.R or call 911 and not put that responsibility on you or the folks at WordPress. Currently, I am NOT a danger to myself and won’t harm myself in any way.

Since you my reader know that I won’t put the burden of needing to contact someone due being a danger to myself, lets get back to the topic at hand. The topic of fighting with myself and those who are helping with that fight. In fact one of those people who are helping with the fight is Junior. The way he is helping me fight the fight is he is making me a late lunch. I really haven’t been eating much lately and since food is the key to being healthy, Junior is making me a late lunch. He is a great cook. Not exactly sure what Junior is making me but I am pretty sure it will be good.

With people like Junior in my life helping fight this fight to get better gives me some hope. Not much hope but some. Enough to give me the strength to carry on. Part of recovery is having hope even if its the slightest hope. Sometime that hope comes from the love of a partner or caring friends or a tattoo. Yes, I said tattoo in giving me hope.

I currently have two tattoo’s. Both of my tattoo’s are related to my recovery and give me hope. My semi-colon tattoo is reminder that my story isn’t over yet. My butterfly is a reminder of no matter how dark things are at the moment things will become beautiful again. The butterfly is also a symbol of hope that not matter how dark things are, things will get better. So, yes my tattoo’s give me hope and help me fight the fight.

Another thing that is helping fight off the urges of self-harm and other old behaviors is music. Music is the one thing that has helped me throughout my life. Music has always given me hope. A hope to carry on.

Even though I have some hope, I am getting sick of fighting off the old behavior, self-harm urges and the symptoms of Depression and PTSD. I hope that the food Junior is done making for me will help me fight the fight when I am finished eating it.

Yes, that means I should get going so I can get something to eat. Hopefully, the food helps even just a little. I will keep you updated on how things are. If I am unable to do so then Mama Bear and/or Junior will post on how I am doing. I hope that everyone has a good day. Don’t forget to take the time to appreciate the folks you have in your life. I know I appreciate Junior and my friends as they have been a major support to me especially in recent months. Peace out!!!

(SIDE NOTE: I’m NOT currently as risk of self-harming despite having urges to do so. I’m NOT currently suicidal.)

The Woes of Not Being In a Good Space

I have been struggling with the symptoms of my mental health conditions for quite some time. Things start improving yet I end up having another set back. Some of those set backs are caused for reasons I am unsure of and working with my treatment team to help me figure out. Some set backs I cause myself or at least not doing what I’m suppose to be doing to help prevent some set backs.

With all the set backs that have happened I’m getting frustrated with myself. I feel like I have failed as I’m bouncing back like I have in recent years. This is where I think some of the set backs that I’ve had in the recent two or so months could be due to old behavior creeping back in. Behavior that I worked hard to not do.

Behavior that I need to discuss with my treatment team about especially my therapist. I don’t want to continue on the path I am on which is me going backwards. I’ve worked to damn hard in my recovery to continue to go backwards.

All I want is to bounce back to where I was when I was doing well.  I want to be working. Hell, I want to feel like I am being a productive member of society. Right now, I’m not a productive member of society or at least I think I’m not being productive.

Oh, fuck I am now wallowing in self-pity. Self-pity is something I don’t need to be doing right now. I just want to get back to doing well. All I want right now is to be back to how was when I was doing well and succeeding with life.

I think it would be a good idea for me to end this post. I feel that my emotions are getting the better of me and I don’t want that. I hope everyone has a good evening and night. Peace Out!!!

Creativity Is What Is Needed In A Time Of Struggles

I’m struggling at the moment with the symptoms of PTSD and Depression and it sucks shit. Struggling enough that I needed to call the afterhours crisis line of the agency I am a client of. I’m having strong urges to self-harm and needed to safety plan which is why I called the afterhours crisis line. I safety planned the person on the afterhours and happy with the plan we came up with.

One of the things that was suggested to me was to look over my DBT homework. Which I of course did and actually did some of it. See, I’ve been not so willing to do my DBT homework for a number of reasons. Many of which are excuses. Excuses that will only hinder me in my recovery.

Another thing that I informed the afterhours lady that I will do is blog. For me blogging helps me process. Process things that can be uncomfortable for me to deal with. Blogging has helped a great deal with starting to write poetry again.

Poetry is something that helps me process emotion and is another thing I’m going to do as part of my safety plan. I think I’m going to include art with my poetry. Something like I did last night with collaging words with pictures. I really enjoyed doing that. Or even collage some words on some of my finished coloring pages and creating a poem that way. I really thing poetry and art can go together.

One way to get all this creativity flowing is listening to music. Music helps with most everything. Music helps me be creative and helps me chill. In fact I’m listening to music now.

As I end this post listening to music, I want to thank you for reading. I know things are not good at the moment regarding self-harm, depression and PTSD but I know with me sharing my life with you will help others. Help others who struggle with a mental health condition know that they are not alone and that things do get better. Help others who don’t struggle know that people with a mental health condition can improve the quality of their lives and be productive members of society. Granted, I don’t view myself as being a productive member of society at the moment but I’m working on getting back there with help of my therapist. A therapist who appears to be in my corner. Again, thank you for reading.  Peace out!!!

Creativity Fights Off Dissociation

Good Morning, World!!! I am sitting here tired as hell. I’m tired because I had several intense nightmares last night. The severity of them was so intense, I feared dissociation. I still fear the dissociation however I am thankful that I have therapy today.

Knowing that I have therapy today helped somewhat with the dissociation however it was the creativity that ultimately helped me fight off Dissociation. In fact Junior was the one that suggested doing something creative. Junior even helped me in the creative process despite having to work a 48hour shift as a firefighter today and tomorrow.

As I created new poems as well as art I listened to music. Music helps me get the creative juices going. The piece that I am most proud of is a collage I created with cut out picture and words. Words that ended up creating a poem. A poem that helped me realize that I am still depressed yet have some hope.

As depressed as I am, I’m thrilled that I have some hope left in me. Hope that helps me accept the love my partner has for me. A love that I never thought I would have due to having a mental health condition. Love doesn’t have limits nor does it see the flaws in people. A love that I am happy Junior has.

I just wish that I could be surrounded by Juniors love today however he is working a 48hour shift for the next. Knowing that he is helping others as well as the love he has for me helps me through the next two days.

As much as I would love talking about the love I have for and receive from Junior, I need to end this post. I need to get going as I have an appointment with my therapist. An appointment I don’t want to be late for. Have a good day all. Peace Out!!!

Weekly Check-In

I’m going to keep this weekly check-in brief. I’m not feeling all that well and don’t really feel like blogging at the moment. Lets start with why I am not feeling well. I woke up extremely early this morning with right flank pain. (That’s pain in my back on the right side in the kidney area.) So, I took the bus first bus of the morning to go to the hospital. To find out, I have a double kidney infection with kidney stones added on top of a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). UTI’s and kidney infections are nothing new to me but this is only the second time I’ve had kidney stones.  Not my idea of a fun weekend but it reminds me that I need to drink more water.

Since we are on the topic of health, I say my doctor almost two weeks ago to get blood test done to make sure nothing medically is causing my depression. To find out that I’m lacking Vitamin D which isn’t exactly helping with the depression. Its not 100% why my depression is acting up but it part of the reason why it is acting up so I am taking a once weekly Vitamin D supplement of 50,000 units. Yes, you read right; 50,000 units

On a plus note in regards to my depression, I started Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) yesterday. I’m looking forward to what DBT has to bring. I love the fact that its strict. Not as strict as the two year intensive outpatient DBT program I was in several years ago but strict enough to what I need. I’m glad that homework is a requirement. It will give me something else to focus on when I am struggling.

Speaking of struggling, I am struggling a little bit with both my depression and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) at the moment. I’m realizing the I am hungry and need to eat something. Making sure I eat on the regular basis and at least semi-healthy foods always seem to help even if its only a tiny bit. After I eat, I will do some of my DBT homework.

As I end this post I want to thank you for reading. I appreciate each and everyone of you even if it seems that all I do as of lately is bitch and complain. Again thank you for reading my blog. Peace Out!!!