Fighting Off A Ton Of Bricks

I’m feeling frustrated with myself. I’m feeling frustrated because anytime I see any type of progress or improvement it appears that I fall and fall hard. Depression is hitting me like a ton of bricks and with a vengeance yet people in my life are helping me fight like hell to make sure it doesn’t win the fight.

The reason why my friends as well as my treatment team are fighting like hell along side with me against the depression is because two weeks ago, I attempted suicide on two separate occasions. The scary thing in all of this is that I haven’t attempted suicide in nine years which is of course is why everyone is concerned. For whatever reason, I didn’t end up on an inpatient psych unit which if I really look back on it, is concerning in itself but am grateful that I didn’t end up on an inpatient unit.

I’m grateful that I didn’t end up an inpatient unit for many reasons. The main reason is that it helps me, help myself without having someone readily available to depend on at all hours of the day and night.  Being able to not have people readily available in an instant has me focus on my DBT skills. Skills, I know that will help me and able to do not being on an inpatient unit because if I was on an inpatient unit I wouldn’t be able to use some of the skill most useful to me due to “safety” which I understand. Being part of an inpatient unit is to learn new skills as well as to practice the healthy skills you already have. If one cannot not practice healthy coping skills due to safety reasons how can one be able to practice them.

One such skill is listening to music on my  smart phone or Discman because both will require headphones. Headphones can be use to strangle yourself or someone else and understand why it’s a safety issue. Listening to music is one of the most helpful and useful skills I have. Listening to music helps me get myself in a better head space especially if I am highly escalated. If I’m highly escalated, listening to music puts me into a better head space to where I can come up with other skills that help me. In fact those other skills are usually are skills that bring out the creative side of me.

One such creative outlet also involves music. I play the flute and have been playing it since I was 12. I have never been the best at playing the flute nor have I claimed being a good flautist but its something I love to do. Playing the flute gives me a sense of self-confidence, I normally don’t have when I’m not playing it or any other musical instrument. In fact learning to play the harmonica and recorder also gives that same sense of self-confidence the flute does. Granted, learning to play a musical instrument is challenging but if it helps me get outside of myself as well as help with my self-confidence, then I’m going to accept the challenge.

Art is another creative challenge I take on as yet another skill that helps a great deal. My art form right now is collaging and coloring or combination of both. There is something soothing about looking through magazines, news papers and such searching for the right picture or word to cut out. Pasting the chosen cut outs onto a piece of paper and seeing it come into a piece of art is a thrill in of itself. Another thrill I get is seeing a finish coloring page. Looking at a colorful piece of art and knowing you created gives a person a sense of accomplishment.

On the topic of accomplishment, I get sense of accomplishment whenever I write. Whether I write via blogging, journaling, or a newsletter, its another outlet for me to be creative. I love to write. My love for writing is what helped me make the decision to start my blog. One of my favorite genre’s to write is poetry. Poetry helps me get what I need to get out emotionally. Since it helps me emotionally and I didn’t finish the Intro to Poetry course WordPress offers. The poetry course will not only help me emotionally, it will help me get back into the swing of things regarding blogging on the regular basis. Blogging on the regular basis will also keep you the reader more interested in checking on my blog more regular to see what I have to say. Another thing I like to do in regards to writing is to do writing prompts. Writing prompts can help one be more open with what is going on emotionally as the prompt can be one that has you write about something in real life. Prompts can also cause one to be creative and imaginative. Something that I am highly considering to do again is to start my weekly writing prompt as part of my blog.

As you can tell being creative is what ultimately helps me and being on an impatient unit can hinder me be creative for a number of reasons and most of them are legit. I am not condoning needing to be on an impatient unit as they are helpful and maybe I should have been hospitalized especially after the second attempt in matter of three days but am grateful I was not. In the last two weeks since the second attempt I’ve done a lot of thinking and soul searching. I found that I need to start being more creative and honest with myself.

Since I’m needing to be honest with myself, I realize I’m needing to end this post to start my going to bed routine. That includes watching the eleven o’clock news and The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon with a cup of hot tea. Have a good night everyone and peace out!!!

SIDE NOTE: I want to make it clear that I am NOT currently suicidal. I also want to make it clear that I am currently NOT experiencing any suicidal thoughts or suicide ideation.

Middle of the Night Ramblings

It’s the middle of the night in my part of the world. I woke up with a stupid nightmare. A nightmare that was a little bit more challenging that the typical PTSD nightmare I usually deal with. The nightmare was that of four babies saying I killed them. Diana, my former therapist, thought that it is my subconscious attempting to deal with the miscarriages of two sets of twins. It makes sense especially since I blame myself for the miscarriages even though the doctors don’t have a clue or a reason for the miscarriage.

Despite still dealing with the grief of two miscarriages of two sets of twins, Junior and I still want to start a family. We aren’t exactly trying to have children but we aren’t using any type of birthday control or protection either. If it happens, it happens. Whether or not we conceive and have biological children we want to adopt at least two children from foster care. We have a lot of love to give and want to share that love with the world.

Okay, on to another subject as I’m not wanting to deal with the grief of miscarrying two sets of twins. So, I’m going to talk about blogging. As I informed you in my last post, I have been blogging for three years now. I was really good at blogging on the regular basis when I first started and when I started working fulltime I didn’t make time to blog and then I became depressed and lost all interest in everything including blogging. Now that I don’t work anymore, I need to make an effort to blog on the regular basis. Most everyone knows that if you blog that blogging on the regular basis is a way to keep your followers reading and to attain new followers. I’m hoping that Junior and Mama Bear will be able to blog from their point of view on my blog at least twice a month each. We all get busy and that’s why they haven’t posted much.

Anyway, that’s enough about the boring topic of blogging. As I switch to yet another topic, I’m not sure how I’m feeling at the moment. I’m not really wanting to deal with the emotions that are popping up currently. I also know if I don’t deal with the emotions and stuff them that’s when unhealthy coping mechanisms pop up.

As my emotions pop up, I realize I need to end this post and try to go back to sleep as I have an appointment with my case manager. Before I go back to bed I plan on coloring first so I can relax. Have good night and peace out!!!

It’s Been Three Years

Wow!!! It’s hard to believe that it’s been three years since I started blogging. The last three years have just flown. Hell, a lot has happened in the last three years.

When I started this blog I had no clue what I was doing. I still don’t have a clue on what I am doing. It was and still is my goal of this blog to educate those who do not struggle with a mental health condition that those who do live with one can live a productive life and to give hope to those who do live with a mental health condition that recovery is possible. Little did I know when I started blogging on how much it would be helpful to me and my recovery.

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know that my recovery means the world to me. Blogging has helped me a great deal in many ways especially in regards to my recovery.

As you can tell, I am big into recovery. The reason why I am big into recovery is because as difficult as it is to be in recovery its also that much easier to be in it than it is not to be in it. It’s also a lot more fun. Granted, I may not be bouncing back as quickly as I have in recent years but I’m still in recovery as I am taking care of myself.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate you my reader and/or follower. Have a good Hump Day (Wednesday) and Peace Out!!!

The Simple Things In Life

Over the last few weeks, I’ve come to realize that I am needing to focus on the simple things in life. Simple things that many people tend to forget due to their busy lives or just stopped doing because they “grew out” of them.  Things I think as adults we need to learn from children and that’s to enjoy the little and simple things in life.

I may not have had the easiest of childhoods but I do remember some of the simple things I enjoyed as a kid. One, such thing I never stopped doing and seems to be “all the craze” now for adults is coloring.  Coloring is one of those activities that is a makes you think brainless activity. What I mean is that you have to think about what color you are going to use but not really have to do any other brain activity while coloring. Another such simple thing I enjoy is Play-Doh.

Yes, I did say Play-Doh.  Play-Doh helps a great deal with my anxiety. I rediscovered Play-Doh a few years ago when I was at a continuing education class for Peer Counselors. The trainer put out Play-Doh so the attendees could play with it. Needless to say, I had some fun at that training and quickly realized that I learned a great deal from that training, partly due to the Play-Doh. I tend to focus better and learn more when my hands are busy.  I always carry a little thing of Play-Doh with me.

A simple thing I wish I could carry with me everywhere is something I can not carry with me for various reasons. That simple thing is my morning tea with honey and milk in it while reading the news paper in quiet. Yes, I can do this anytime of the day or night but there is something peaceful about drinking tea and reading the paper in the morning.

Mornings as well as evenings are also perfect times to do something else simple. That is taking walks. I attempt to go for a walk both in the morning and the evening as it helps a great deal with both depression and anxiety.

Music is another simple thing that people tend to forget about. A simple thing that has helped me through some extremely difficult times in my life. Music is the one simple thing that I can rely on no matter what is going on and whether or not I am doing well in regards to my mental health conditions.

If it weren’t for the difficulties I have had the last seven or so months as things slowly start to improve, I wouldn’t have been focusing on getting to the point where I am at right now which focusing on the simple things in life. Yes, some of the simple thing in life I enjoy maybe considered “childish” or “just joining the craze” but if it weren’t for those simple things I don’t think things would be improving as they are now. Granted I’m improving as fast as I would like but I am improving.

As things slowly start to improve for me, focusing on the simple things will help out a great deal. As I end this post please take time out and focus on the simple things in your life and how it could help you out. Thank you for reading. Peace out!!!

Depression Vs. Blogging

As I sit here struggling to blog, I realize that this ongoing bought of depression is what has been hindering me with blogging.  I realized early on in my blogging days (and I think I’m still pretty green at it) that it actually helps me manage the symptoms of my mental health conditions. With all honesty it came to me as a complete shock to me because I was expecting to help others with their recovery as well as educate those who don’t live with a mental health condition and not necessarily help me along my recovery path.

The recovery path I want to be back on is one that I know what helps me even when I am in a most vulnerable state like I am in now. I don’t like admitting that I am in a vulnerable state. I guess on a plus side of it is, that I want others to see that people are in recovery do go backwards and end up back on their feet again.

I am hoping as I slowly get back on my feet that I will be active in blogging as it helps with my depression symptoms as well as the other symptoms of other mental health conditions I am diagnosed with. Actually, if I want to get back on my feet one of the many ways is to be active in blogging.  Unfortunately, blogging is going to take a lot of effort for me to blog as my depression is still acting up and my concentration isn’t all that great. At the risk of repeating myself for the millionth time, blogging has helped me a great deal with my own recovery which is why I will give every attempt to blog once a week and hopefully have Mama Bear or Junior do a guest piece once a week. I know from experience if I post regularly it keeps people interested even if my depression is acting up. As you read in my previous post my thinking doesn’t always help my emotions and vise versa. That’s why I am wanting to blog more as it helps with processing my thoughts.

As, I end this post please take a moment of silence for those who lost their lives fighting for our freedom. For those of you who regularly read my blog and don’t live in the United States, today is Memorial Day. Memorial Day is a day where remember those who lost their lives fight for our freedom. As you enjoy your time with your friends and family today don’t forget those who made that time with your loved ones possible. Happy Memorial, everyone and Peace Out!!!

Spinning Like a Hamster Wheel

My mind is spinning like a hamster wheel and my emotions as well as my thinking are most likely the culprits of the hamster wheel spinning.  A spinning hamster wheel is never a good thing for me.  A spinning hamster wheel is usually never a good thing for anyone.

As I mentioned, the culprits of the annoying spinning hamster wheel are my thinking and my emotions. At this point in time I’m thinking that my thinking is effecting my emotions.  This leads me to what I need to help myself to stop the hamster wheel or at least slow it down. I will have to use a combination of both Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) skills and Dialectical Behavior (DBT) skills.

Despite being in a place I don’t want to be in that I am slowing climbing out of, I realize I am far enough in my recovery that I need to use some CBT skills along with my DBT skills. I prefer DBT over CBT but realize there are times when using CBT is just as beneficial as DBT.  I know favoring one over the other isn’t a good idea but I feel like DBT has helped me more in my recovery than  CBT has.  Weather or not what was more helpful to me and my recovery, there are times when using both sets of skills are extremely helpful.

Before I end this post to go and use skills, I realized that blogging about the spinning hamster wheel has slowed it down. So, thank you for reading. If it were for you the reader, I wouldn’t still be blogging. Again, thank you for reading. Happy Memorial Day weekend. Peace Out!!!

I Didn’t Do What I Feared I Might Do

If you read my last post you know that I feared yelling at both my psychiatric nurse practitioner and new therapist when I went to go see them this past Monday (May 22nd). Well, I didn’t yell or scream and neither of them especially after the news I got.

The news I received was that my psychiatric nurse practitioner will no longer be working for the program I am a part of at the mental health agency I am consumer (client) of. Yet this is another change in my treatment team that I don’t need at this point in time. Yes, it angers me but there is nothing I can do about it. I can however request that since my ARNP is a male and/or is at the location where my therapist is. I will request this when I see my case manager on Thursday. See, when my last ARNP retired I requested a male prescriber because I felt like and still feel like it will be helpful to my recovery especially with PTSD. It would also be nice to not have to go to three different locations of the mental health agency I go to see three different people which is why I would like to see whomever the new prescriber will be at, at the location where my therapist is. I am hoping that they will give me what I request as I have a lot changes as well as a great deal of loss in recent months.

As I’m writing this post, I realize I need to stop for now as I am starting to get angry as well as sad and I don’t want to get into a bad space. I just wanted to let you know how things went last Monday. I hope you al have a good night. Happy Memorial Day Weekend!!! Peace Out!!!