Tag Archives: PTSD

Tough Couple of Nights

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is just barely after five o’clock in the morning here in Seattle. It’s been a tough couple nights due to suddenly remembering something horrific from my childhood a couple of nights ago. On the good note about this is when I remembered, Junior was with me and then the next day which was yesterday, I had therapy.

Therapy is not meant to be easy but yesterday was tough but my therapist was compassionate and empathetic as always. She listened and gave me some suggestions to help take care of myself. My therapist makes talking about tough shit safe to talk about even when it feels unsafe due to PTSD symptoms.

Due to those PTSD symptoms, I had a couple of challenging nights and lack of sleep. Junior helped me Wednesday but was unable to help last night (Thursday) due to working. Sadly, he is unavailable today and tonight due to work as well. He is a firefighter and works twenty-four hour shifts and is doing an overtime shift today. Anyway, last night I had the help of a couple of friends via phone as well as my cat, Billie. I am grateful for my natural support system.

I do not have anything else to write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Tough Start to the Day

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It has been a tough start to the day for me. I woke up a couple of hours ago due to a nightmare. It was a screaming nightmare and the reason why I know is because I am over at Junior’s house with my cat, Billie, and Junior informed me it was a screaming nightmare. Nightmares suck and I don’t envy PTSD on anyone including my worst enemy.

Junior is worried about my increased PTSD symptoms as he is worried it could affect the pregnancy. Hell, I am even more worried as I am that one that is pregnant. I just don’t want the PTSD to affect my pregnancy in any way. Having PTSD and being pregnant is not easy and I am grateful to have Junior and his love in my life.

I do not have much more to write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you, the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Daily Prompt; Do You Spend More Time Thinking About the Future of the Past? Why?

Posted on by Gertie
Bloganuary writing prompt
Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why?
View all responses

This is a hard one for me especially after finding out that I am pregnant as it is hard to not think about the future especially for the child you are pregnant with. One cannot help but think about the future of their child and bringing one into this chaotic world.

Despite thinking about the future of my child as well as mine, I thought a great deal about my future and how much hope I have even through my struggles. For me I can’t help but think about the future and where my recovery journey will take me. Yes, I fear bigger relapses with my mental health challenges but hope is there that I will just get back up on horse and continue to work on my recovery.

On that note, I also think a lot about the past. Sometimes not willingly due to PTSD. PTSD sucks and has you thinking about some of the most horrific moments you experienced in your life. For instance PTSD has remember this stuff through flashbacks, nightmares, body memories, intrusive and much much more. There is no stopping remembering this stuff and it sucks big time.

Nightmares Suck Sh!t

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is way too early to be awake. I am awake due to a stupid nightmare. A nightmare that was a screaming nightmare and the only reason why I know this is because a neighbor called the police and they showed up to make sure I am okay. I informed the police that I am in fact okay and that I had a nightmare. They understood and left. I know the police were just doing their job but when your trauma related nightmare involved a police officer and the police show up, it doesn’t really help the PTSD. Again, it is not the police officers fault that a neighbor called nor is it my neighbors fault for making sure I was okay due to my screaming while having a nightmare. I just wish my nightmare wasn’t a screaming one.

On that note, my cat, Billie, is helping a great deal. He is currently laying in my lap purring as I write this particular blog post. I love my cat so very much and can’t imagine my life without him. He is such an amazing cat that loves to spend as much time in my lap as he can get. I am glad he is able to help me self regulate especially after a nightmare.

I do not have much more to write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you, the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write on my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World.

Just Another Post About Therapy

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! I had therapy today and it was a virtual appointment as it has been for the last year due to me working. My next appointment will be an in person appointment which I am thrilled about. My therapist and I will attempt to make a more set schedule for in person appointments now that I am not currently working.

My therapist and I of course discussed being pregnant. We discussed how being pregnant most likely will trigger my PTSD due to having the OBGYN checking me down below the belt on the monthly basis while pregnant. We discussed the things I could do to help me if I get triggered by getting examined by the OBGYN.

We also discussed a hard traumatic event that happened to me when I was a child. My therapist validated this experience and reiterated that I am not the monster despite me feeling like a monster. My therapist is really awesome and I am grateful that she is a safe person to talk with and that she makes therapy a safe place.

I do not have much more to write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you, the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write on my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Update on First OBGYN Appointment

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! I just wanted to inform you of what the OBGYN said yesterday in my first appointment with her. Junior did attend the appointment with me as he is the father. My OBGYN is as sweet as can be as well as very direct. She informed me of the risk to myself and the fetus due to being in my mid forties and that many people deliver “healthy babies” at my age.

My OBGYN discussed a lot of the risk of having a baby at my age but also stated she deals with high risk pregnancies. She also deals with many folks with an extensive trauma history like mine and understands fully how traumatic it can be having someone look below the belt several times during the nine months of pregnancy and during delivery. She was honest with me stating there is a high possibility of me having a c-section due to all the scarring down below the belt from the severe trauma I experienced throughout my life.

We also discussed a great deal about my mental health challenges and how I am at “greater risk” for postpartum depression. We talked about staying on most of my psych meds and continuing to seek treatment from my mental health treatment team. I let the OBGYN that I had no plans of stopping treatment with my mental health team and that I was glad to hear we were on the same page regarding meds. The only meds the OBGYN wants me to not take until I see my psychiatric nurse practitioner which are the Ativan and the Ambien. Both of these meds are PRN’s for me as well as controlled substances which can put the baby at greater harm. I am pretty sure my psychiatric nurse practitioner will agree with the OBGYN and myself regarding not taking the Ativan and Ambien as she is pretty knowledgeable with this kind of stuff.

I do not have much more to write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write on my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Anxiety Over Tomorrow’s Doctor’s Appointment

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! I am nervous as hell for tomorrow morning as I have my yearly annual wellness exam with my doctor tomorrow. I am scared due to trauma related issues that my doctor is quite aware of. I am also scared and full of anxiety due to the fact that my doctor will confirm something medically which is why I am having my partner Junior come with me. It is something he would like medically confirmed as well.

Anyway, I am sadly having intrusive thought ping ponging in my head at the moment and it is not a good thing which is partly why I am currently writing this blog post. Blogging tends to help with the ping ponging of my thoughts as well as help with anxiety I deal with. I am just happy that I have various skills in my tool box to help with the anxiety.

I do not have much more to write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you, the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog I would not be continuing to write on my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Coloring to Help the Inner Child Within

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is just after three o’clock in the morning, Seattle time. I woke up from a nightmare about an hour ago and I feel like a scared little kid. A scared little kid that had to grow up fast in childhood. Since I am feeling like a scared little kid I have been coloring as I find it quite helpful to connect with my inner child that had to grow too fast. Coloring is also a mindfulness practice for me as it helps become grounded and present as well as to stay grounded and present in the moment.

I do not have much else to write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you, the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Daily Prompt; What Are Your Biggest Challenges

Posted on by Gertie
Bloganuary writing prompt
What are your biggest challenges?
View all responses

I can spend all day listing my challenges as I have so many of them already however I am not going to do that. I will say that my biggest challenges are myself as well as PTSD and Depression.

I am one of my biggest challenges because I can get in the way of myself in many different ways and can prevent myself from accomplishing great things in my community. I get in the way of myself by a lot of negative self talk which isn’t good for anyone especially those like me who have a mental health diagnosis.

Speaking of mental health diagnoses, my own diagnoses are challenging. Some moments are more challenging than other moments. Knowing when certain times of the year are harder than other times of year can be quite helpful to make sure those moments don’t have to be as challenging.

Nightmares Sucks Sh!t; The Love of a Boyfriend & A Cat, Priceless

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is just after three o’clock in the morning, Seattle time. I am unable to sleep due to severe PTSD symptoms. Nightmares accompanied with body memories is never a good thing and I am beyond grateful to have Junior staying with me at the moment. Part of the reason Junior spent the night is because we spent last evening watching movies and eating junk food. I am beyond grateful for the movie date at home after a challenging session with my therapist yesterday. The distraction was much needed as well as it was enjoyed by both myself and Junior as well as my cat, Billie. Billie loves the attention, Junior gives him. I really wish the PTSD symptoms were not so severe as they suck shit. Anyway, I am happy that Junior is here to help me through this tough PTSD moment.

I do not have much more to write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you, the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!