Not Good Start; The Rest Will Be Good

Good Morning, World!!! I’m up at 4:09 in the morning because of a nightmare. A nightmare that is a symptom of PTSD. I highly dislike having PTSD and would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Waking up from a nightmare is never a great start to any day. I did have Junior by my side helping me through the after effects of the nightmare. Junior sat with me as I cried through the pain. The emotional and physical pain the nightmare brought. Yes, PTSD symptoms can cause not just emotional pain but physical pain as well. As I allow myself to cry, Junior held me to help me feel safe.

After I finished crying, I gave myself a few moments to recompose myself. As I recomposed myself I decided I will blog. Blog about what!?!? Nobody knows not even me.

I am looking forward to what today has to bring. I will be attending a continuing education training for Peer Support Specialist. Its on Ethics and Boundaries in Peer Support. Ethics and boundaries is something we all need in our personal and professional lives. This continuing education training I am attending will help me with my career when I get back into being a Peer Specialist.

Having a career as a peer specialist is know when to step away from things to focus on ones recovery. That’s what I am doing. As much as I would love to be working as a Peer at the moment, I realize focusing on my recovery is important. I just hope that me focusing on my recovery will help me grow as a person and as a Peer Specialist.

Anyway, I’m thinking that I should end this particular blog post for now. I need to get ready for the day ahead. I want be in a good space when I attend the continuing education training I will be attending. If I’m not too tired when I get home from the continuing education training, I hope to blog about what I learned I hope everyone has a great work week. Happy Monday and Peace Out!!!

A Sunday to Remember

Today has been truly a lazy Sunday. A Sunday, I wouldn’t trade for the world. I wouldn’t trade for the world because it was a truly amazing day. A day that Junior put a great deal of thought in to.

Junior put a great deal of thought into today as he is well aware of how difficult things have been for me the last several months. Junior planned today out to be a relaxing and lazy day as well as to enjoy what he had planned in hopes to have spontaneous events to enjoy. We both enjoyed the planned and the spontaneous events of the day.

This is where I share with you the events of today. Events that have helped me. When Junior got off work this morning he went to my place to gently wake me up to start off the day. He rubbed my back till I woke up. When I woke up, he gave me a kiss and asked if I wanted to spend they day with him at my place or his. I said his place because it has a more homey feeling to it. So, we came over to Junior’s place.

Once we got to Junior’s place, he changed out of his uniform and into his pajamas. In fact the both of us have spent most of the day in our pajama’s with a couple exceptions that I will tell you about later on in this post. After Junior put on his pajamas he made breakfast. Breakfast consisted of French toast, scrambled eggs, bacon, fresh strawberries and chocolate milk. After breakfast, Junior went to bed as he had a long forty-eight hour long shift and I started the dishes. Junior ended up getting up shortly after going to bed to watch me do the dishes. As he watched me do the dishes for about five minutes he turned on some music.

Not just any music but music that represents our love for each other. After turning on the music, he went to were I was, turned of the water and gently grabbed my had asking me to dance. I, of course said yes and we danced in his living room. The dancing led to some passionate intimate moments. Yes, we made love. As we made love, I felt a sense of peace, I haven’t felt in months. A peace that Junior’s love for me is never-ending no matter how tough things get for either of us as individuals or as a couple.

After making love, we talked about things. Things that brought both happy and sad tears to the both of us. It was nice to be able to lay in bed holding each other talking. After a good talk we both fell asleep. We slept for a few hours before waking up to eat lunch and watch a baseball game on television.

We ate left over salad before the Seattle Mariners versus Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim game started. As we watched the Mariners play against the Angels we held hands, cuddled and even did some petting. Petting that led to more intimate moments. Moments that I am beyond grateful for. Yes, we did watch the baseball game. Granted it was only about half the game due to intimate moments but we did watch. I am happy to say that the Angels beat the Mariners once again. In fact they (the Angels) swept the Mariners under the rug. Junior of course was (and is) a little disappointed as he is a Mariners fan. Even though he is a devoted and loyal Mariners fan I still love Junior.

I love Junior because he is devoted and loyal to every aspect of his life. His devotion and loyalty to me amazes me and is something I don’t deserve. Even though I feel like I don’t deserve Juniors love, devotion and loyalty, he continue to give it to me and is extremely patient with me. Patient enough with me to let me cry as he held me. Yes, I cried. I cried due to the pain I was dealing with regarding PTSD symptoms I was experiencing. Junior just sat there holding me as I cried for a good half an hour. After as I was done crying we talked. Talked about the symptoms I was experiencing and then about what we were going to do about dinner.

We decided that we were going to have a simple dinner. A simple dinner of spaghetti, corn on the cob, milk and for dessert we had strawberry short cake. We made enough to have left overs tomorrow. I’m looking forward to left overs tomorrow because they always taste better the next day.

After dinner we did the dishes. Dishes that were left from breakfast and lunch as well the ones we had from dinner. When we were done with the dishes we sat on the couch talking again. Talking about our future. A future together. A future we want together.

As we discussed our future together we decided to do a jigsaw puzzle. Something we both enjoy doing. As we worked the puzzle together we ended up having yet another intimate moment. Another moment I am grateful for. I’m grateful for the moment because Junior and I haven’t had many intimate moments lately due to severe and on going symptoms of my Depression and PTSD. Moments that both Junior and I are grateful for.

Being grateful for what we have is a major reasons why our relationship has lasted so long. Another major factor is good communication. I’m sure you all agree that communication is key a good relationship no matter what type of relationship it is.

Today has been a Sunday to remember because of the time I have spent with Junior and as I end this post remember to thank those people in your lives that make an effort to make your day better. I know I plan on thanking Junior on making my day better. I hope to blog again tomorrow about the continuing education class I will be attending. Have a great rest of your weekend. Peace out!!!

 

Fighting With Myself

I’m fighting within myself. Fighting against the old behavior creepy back in (as mentioned in my last post). Fighting against urges to self-harm. Fighting to stay alive.

A fight I feel all alone in yet I’m not fighting alone. I’m not fighting this alone because I have a partner that loves me and friends that care about me that are by my side. Having people in my life that are helping me fight this fight is what is helping me make the limited good choices I am making in my life. Choices that I wish were easy for me to make but are difficult to do so due to the fact my symptoms are high.

As I deal with difficulties with my symptoms I realize that there are only so much Junior and the rest of my natural supports are able to do. I feel like I am burden to them and my treatment team even though I’m sure I am not a burden to them. I just don’t want to be in constant crisis or have those closest to me worry about me regarding weather or not I’m going to act on urges to self-harm.

Speaking of safety and urges to self-harm, I want to make you aware that if I was going to act on those urges, I would be taking myself to the Emergency Room (E.R) instead of blogging about it.  Yes, I might blog about having urges to self-harm and maybe even blog about acting on self-harm urges but I will never put you my reader (or even WordPress) in a place to where you feel the need to contact someone (WordPress, the police, fire department, etc.) because you fear I might be a danger to myself. If I am ever a danger to myself, I promise I will go to an E.R or call 911 and not put that responsibility on you or the folks at WordPress. Currently, I am NOT a danger to myself and won’t harm myself in any way.

Since you my reader know that I won’t put the burden of needing to contact someone due being a danger to myself, lets get back to the topic at hand. The topic of fighting with myself and those who are helping with that fight. In fact one of those people who are helping with the fight is Junior. The way he is helping me fight the fight is he is making me a late lunch. I really haven’t been eating much lately and since food is the key to being healthy, Junior is making me a late lunch. He is a great cook. Not exactly sure what Junior is making me but I am pretty sure it will be good.

With people like Junior in my life helping fight this fight to get better gives me some hope. Not much hope but some. Enough to give me the strength to carry on. Part of recovery is having hope even if its the slightest hope. Sometime that hope comes from the love of a partner or caring friends or a tattoo. Yes, I said tattoo in giving me hope.

I currently have two tattoo’s. Both of my tattoo’s are related to my recovery and give me hope. My semi-colon tattoo is reminder that my story isn’t over yet. My butterfly is a reminder of no matter how dark things are at the moment things will become beautiful again. The butterfly is also a symbol of hope that not matter how dark things are, things will get better. So, yes my tattoo’s give me hope and help me fight the fight.

Another thing that is helping fight off the urges of self-harm and other old behaviors is music. Music is the one thing that has helped me throughout my life. Music has always given me hope. A hope to carry on.

Even though I have some hope, I am getting sick of fighting off the old behavior, self-harm urges and the symptoms of Depression and PTSD. I hope that the food Junior is done making for me will help me fight the fight when I am finished eating it.

Yes, that means I should get going so I can get something to eat. Hopefully, the food helps even just a little. I will keep you updated on how things are. If I am unable to do so then Mama Bear and/or Junior will post on how I am doing. I hope that everyone has a good day. Don’t forget to take the time to appreciate the folks you have in your life. I know I appreciate Junior and my friends as they have been a major support to me especially in recent months. Peace out!!!

(SIDE NOTE: I’m NOT currently as risk of self-harming despite having urges to do so. I’m NOT currently suicidal.)

The Woes of Not Being In a Good Space

I have been struggling with the symptoms of my mental health conditions for quite some time. Things start improving yet I end up having another set back. Some of those set backs are caused for reasons I am unsure of and working with my treatment team to help me figure out. Some set backs I cause myself or at least not doing what I’m suppose to be doing to help prevent some set backs.

With all the set backs that have happened I’m getting frustrated with myself. I feel like I have failed as I’m bouncing back like I have in recent years. This is where I think some of the set backs that I’ve had in the recent two or so months could be due to old behavior creeping back in. Behavior that I worked hard to not do.

Behavior that I need to discuss with my treatment team about especially my therapist. I don’t want to continue on the path I am on which is me going backwards. I’ve worked to damn hard in my recovery to continue to go backwards.

All I want is to bounce back to where I was when I was doing well.  I want to be working. Hell, I want to feel like I am being a productive member of society. Right now, I’m not a productive member of society or at least I think I’m not being productive.

Oh, fuck I am now wallowing in self-pity. Self-pity is something I don’t need to be doing right now. I just want to get back to doing well. All I want right now is to be back to how was when I was doing well and succeeding with life.

I think it would be a good idea for me to end this post. I feel that my emotions are getting the better of me and I don’t want that. I hope everyone has a good evening and night. Peace Out!!!

Nightmares Suck Shit; In Need of Being Creative

Ugg!!! Its 1:59 in the morning and I woke up from a stupid ass nightmare. A nightmare that scared the shit out of me.

After the nightmare I made me some tea and decided to blog. Blog about the struggle of having a nightmare. In fact I hope that blogging helps me get into a creative space.

A creative space that helped me several times in the last twenty-four hours. Creativity that helps me get into a better head space that I am currently in. I think I’m going to be collaging once again. Collaging pictures and words. Words that end up in poems. I’m really enjoying the collaging aspect of art.

As I create art and poetry I will of course be listening to music. Music that helps soothe me. Music that helped save my life. In fact if it wasn’t for music, I would have dropped out of high school. I was in the marching and concert band in high school. If it wasn’t for band I would have dropped out. As you can tell, music has helped me in many aspects of my life. Its helped me stay in school so I could graduate as well as helped me stay alive by not dying by suicide and to stay in recovery.

On that note, I should get going  so I can be creative. Hopefully,  I will be able to get some sleep. I hope everyone is sleeping well or at least did sleep well. Have a good night. Peace Out!!!

Creativity Is What Is Needed In A Time Of Struggles

I’m struggling at the moment with the symptoms of PTSD and Depression and it sucks shit. Struggling enough that I needed to call the afterhours crisis line of the agency I am a client of. I’m having strong urges to self-harm and needed to safety plan which is why I called the afterhours crisis line. I safety planned the person on the afterhours and happy with the plan we came up with.

One of the things that was suggested to me was to look over my DBT homework. Which I of course did and actually did some of it. See, I’ve been not so willing to do my DBT homework for a number of reasons. Many of which are excuses. Excuses that will only hinder me in my recovery.

Another thing that I informed the afterhours lady that I will do is blog. For me blogging helps me process. Process things that can be uncomfortable for me to deal with. Blogging has helped a great deal with starting to write poetry again.

Poetry is something that helps me process emotion and is another thing I’m going to do as part of my safety plan. I think I’m going to include art with my poetry. Something like I did last night with collaging words with pictures. I really enjoyed doing that. Or even collage some words on some of my finished coloring pages and creating a poem that way. I really thing poetry and art can go together.

One way to get all this creativity flowing is listening to music. Music helps with most everything. Music helps me be creative and helps me chill. In fact I’m listening to music now.

As I end this post listening to music, I want to thank you for reading. I know things are not good at the moment regarding self-harm, depression and PTSD but I know with me sharing my life with you will help others. Help others who struggle with a mental health condition know that they are not alone and that things do get better. Help others who don’t struggle know that people with a mental health condition can improve the quality of their lives and be productive members of society. Granted, I don’t view myself as being a productive member of society at the moment but I’m working on getting back there with help of my therapist. A therapist who appears to be in my corner. Again, thank you for reading.  Peace out!!!

Creativity Fights Off Dissociation

Good Morning, World!!! I am sitting here tired as hell. I’m tired because I had several intense nightmares last night. The severity of them was so intense, I feared dissociation. I still fear the dissociation however I am thankful that I have therapy today.

Knowing that I have therapy today helped somewhat with the dissociation however it was the creativity that ultimately helped me fight off Dissociation. In fact Junior was the one that suggested doing something creative. Junior even helped me in the creative process despite having to work a 48hour shift as a firefighter today and tomorrow.

As I created new poems as well as art I listened to music. Music helps me get the creative juices going. The piece that I am most proud of is a collage I created with cut out picture and words. Words that ended up creating a poem. A poem that helped me realize that I am still depressed yet have some hope.

As depressed as I am, I’m thrilled that I have some hope left in me. Hope that helps me accept the love my partner has for me. A love that I never thought I would have due to having a mental health condition. Love doesn’t have limits nor does it see the flaws in people. A love that I am happy Junior has.

I just wish that I could be surrounded by Juniors love today however he is working a 48hour shift for the next. Knowing that he is helping others as well as the love he has for me helps me through the next two days.

As much as I would love talking about the love I have for and receive from Junior, I need to end this post. I need to get going as I have an appointment with my therapist. An appointment I don’t want to be late for. Have a good day all. Peace Out!!!