Everyday Inspiration; Day 14: Recreate a Single Day

Good Morning, World!!! Today’s Finding Everyday Inspiration’s assignment is to recreate a single day. I can think of many day’s I could recreate however, I choose not for various reasons. If I recreate a single day even one of the best days of my life that means I would have to relive some of the worst days of my life.

Don’t get me wrong, I remember and recreate some of the great moments in my life when things get tough especially when PTSD symptoms occur. I just don’t want to recreate a single because everyday has made me who I am today and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Yes, I would have loved to not experienced the trauma I endured throughout my life however those trauma’s helped shaped who I am today. I most definitely wouldn’t want to recreate the trauma’s I endured. I don’t think anyone would want to recreate the trauma’s they endured.

Yes, I would love to have certain positive moments recreated at the moment especially since I have been struggling as of lately however I know I will get through this despite the doubts I currently have. I guess what I am saying is all the experiences I have had in my life is what made me who I am today. As much as I want to recreate a single day; it means it would recreate who I am at this moment in time.

I should really get going. It’s four in the morning and I haven’t been to sleep yet. I have to be up in three hours. I have to be up in three hours so I can get ready for the day and attend my therapy appointment. A much needed appointment. As I end this post I want to thank you for reading. I hope everyone has a great Hump Day (Wednesday). Peace Out, World!!!

I’m Dreaming of Sleep

Good Morning, World!!! It’s nearly two thirty in the morning in my neck of the world. Right now, I’m dreaming of sleep. I haven’t been sleeping very well since I was assaulted nearly a month ago.

Having a good nights sleep is crucial to ones overall health especially for those of us who have a mental health diagnosis. Something I have learned over the years is to have a sleep schedule or what people in the mental health field call sleep hygiene.

For me sleep hygiene means going to bed at the same time as well as getting up at the same time. For me, I tend to go to bed at 11:30pm on week nights (Sunday – Thursday) and get up at 7:30ish in the morning on week days (Monday – Friday). Unfortunately, I toss and turn and unable to sleep so I get up. I tend to get up and stay up at the same time week days and wish my sleep hygiene schedule would work right now.

Now that I have rambled on and on about my sleep hygiene and the lack of sleep I am getting, I might as well as end this blog post and try to sleep. I hope you have an awesome day. Peace Out!!!

A Major F*ck Up (Contains Graphic Images)

GRAPHIC IMAGES

(IN THIS POST)

It’s two o’clock in the morning on Monday, October 16th of 2017. This particular blog post is not going to be a pretty one. It’s not going to be a pretty one because, I’m not only going to be discussing what happened on Saturday night but showing you images. IMAGES THAT ARE QUITE GRAPHIC!!!

(SIDE NOTE: Before I continue on with this post I want to reassure you that I am NOT suicidal and I DON’T feel like harming myself at the moment. If I were to become suicidal and/or feel like self harming, I will take myself to the hospital like I did Saturday.)

Saturday night was not the most pleasant of days for me. Both my PTSD and Depression symptoms got the better of me. So much so that I ended up cutting myself. I scared myself so much by cutting myself that I called two close friends who took me to the hospital to get evaluated. I would have called Junior however he was working at the moment and didn’t need him to worry as he is a firefighter.

As I was stating my friends took me to the Emergency Room where my wounds got treated and I got evaluated for my state of mind. Everyone was in agreement that I could (and still can) remain safe and was able to return home.

I stayed with my friends till Junior got off work. He picked me up from my friends house. He looked at my wounds and redressed them. We discussed on what I could do the next time things go this bad. Next time I won’t be so hesitant to reach out for support of friends are so fearful of calling 911.

Part of the reason why I ended up cutting on Saturday night was because I was fearful of my symptoms and angry that I was having them. I did end up getting some stitches. You may or may not be able to see the stitches but wanted to fore warn you.

(FYI: I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL!!! I CURRENTLY DO NOT FEEL LIKE HARMING MYSELF.)

THE BELOW IMAGES ARE GRAPHIC:

 

I just want to show you the realities of what happens when I am in an extremely bad head space. This is why I am grateful that I have a great support system. I am beyond grateful that I have a loving partner and awesome friends who are in my corner.

Thank you for reading my blog. I truly apologize if I triggered anyone with this particular blog post. Again, I want to reiterate: I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL AND I DON’T WANT TO HARM MYSELF IN ANY WAY. I’M NOT A RISK OF HARMING MYSELF OR ANYONE ELSE. Again, I want to thank for reading my blog. I hope I didn’t trigger anyone. If I did, I truly do apologize. I hope everyone has a good Monday. Have a good work week everyone and Peace Out, World!!!

 

 

An Update From My Last Post

Hello, World!!! It has been about a week since I last posted. Sadly, my last post was about me getting traumatized again. I apologize for not updating you sooner. I’m just attempting to get my baring’s back after what happened and its not an easy process to do so.

Updating you is one way I am attempting to get my baring’s back. As you may realize it hasn’t been the easiest of weeks after dealing with an assault. Not just any type of an assault but a sexual assault. An assault that I don’t remember much of due to the fact that I was knocked out by a rock or brick or something similar.

At this point in time I don’t know if its a good thing or a bad thing but I do know that detective is looking into it as that a stranger reported seeing the first part of the assault. The part of me getting knocked out was reported to the police. The fortunate part was someone not only called the police but took pictures as well. Unfortunately, by the time the police showed up, I had left the park unwillingly with the person who assaulted me. I don’t remember this  and wish the detective didn’t tell me. I am however grateful that someone did call the police and took pictures. Anyway, the detective and I set up a time for me to “be interviewed” to share what I remember (or the lack there of) and put me in touch with the victim’s advocate.

The victim advocate contacted me shortly after the phone conversation with the detective ended. She told me what to expect next in the process of reporting. She will be in attendance when I talk with the detective in person. The victim advocate will me walking along side of me the entire way. The victim advocate also encouraged me to do “good self-care.”

Doing good self-care for me includes me going to my follow up appointment with my doctor. My doctor looked me over and she took my stitches out. The stitches that were located below the belt. She also helped me fill out some paper work that could help me pay for any future appointments regarding the assault. Knowing that I can have more help paying for any therapy or doctors appointments has given me some hope. My doctor has encouraged me to continue getting the support of my mental health treatment team as well as my friends and partner, Junior.

My friends as well as Junior  have always been in my corner and they are continuing to do so. In fact my friends have been checking up on me on the regular basis. Junior continues to be the rock I need as well give me the love and support that is much needed at the moment. Junior and my friends are such a blessing to me in my life and am beyond grateful to have them in my life especially right now.

As I finish up this post I want to thank you for reading and being a support in your own way. I hope to post again soon however I do ask for your patience if I don’t blog for a while due to recent events. I plan on blogging in the next few days but the way things are at moment I don’t want to give in false hopes. Again, thank you for reading. I hope you have a good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite. Peace Out!!!

Phuk PTSD!!!

I just wish my nightmares would fucking stop. It is fucking angering that I keep having severe nightmares. Nightmares that appear to be increasing in severity. A severity I haven’t experienced in years and is quite concerning.

Thankfully, Junior is helping me through the after effects of the nightmare. He has been cuddling with me as it seems to be helping me the most at the moment. Feeling safe and secure in his arms is quite helpful. Another thing that is helpful for me right now is watching some television (T.V). Junior and I are watching M*A*S*H. Comedy and humor always seem to help me.

It never seizes to amaze me the love Junior has for me. He stays awake with me after my nightmare knowing that he will be sleep deprived when he does a 48hour shift. Junior’s love and kindness gives me hope that things will get better. It’s nice to know that no matter how bad things get for me, Junior won’t leave. I’ve put him through a lot of shit the last few months and he hasn’t left me. Junior has stated that he won’t ever leave me due to my mental health conditions.

I should get going as I want to spend some time with Junior and hopefully get back to sleep. I hope everyone has a good rest of the night. Happy Friday and Peace Out!!!

Not Good Start; The Rest Will Be Good

Good Morning, World!!! I’m up at 4:09 in the morning because of a nightmare. A nightmare that is a symptom of PTSD. I highly dislike having PTSD and would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Waking up from a nightmare is never a great start to any day. I did have Junior by my side helping me through the after effects of the nightmare. Junior sat with me as I cried through the pain. The emotional and physical pain the nightmare brought. Yes, PTSD symptoms can cause not just emotional pain but physical pain as well. As I allow myself to cry, Junior held me to help me feel safe.

After I finished crying, I gave myself a few moments to recompose myself. As I recomposed myself I decided I will blog. Blog about what!?!? Nobody knows not even me.

I am looking forward to what today has to bring. I will be attending a continuing education training for Peer Support Specialist. Its on Ethics and Boundaries in Peer Support. Ethics and boundaries is something we all need in our personal and professional lives. This continuing education training I am attending will help me with my career when I get back into being a Peer Specialist.

Having a career as a peer specialist is know when to step away from things to focus on ones recovery. That’s what I am doing. As much as I would love to be working as a Peer at the moment, I realize focusing on my recovery is important. I just hope that me focusing on my recovery will help me grow as a person and as a Peer Specialist.

Anyway, I’m thinking that I should end this particular blog post for now. I need to get ready for the day ahead. I want be in a good space when I attend the continuing education training I will be attending. If I’m not too tired when I get home from the continuing education training, I hope to blog about what I learned I hope everyone has a great work week. Happy Monday and Peace Out!!!

A Sunday to Remember

Today has been truly a lazy Sunday. A Sunday, I wouldn’t trade for the world. I wouldn’t trade for the world because it was a truly amazing day. A day that Junior put a great deal of thought in to.

Junior put a great deal of thought into today as he is well aware of how difficult things have been for me the last several months. Junior planned today out to be a relaxing and lazy day as well as to enjoy what he had planned in hopes to have spontaneous events to enjoy. We both enjoyed the planned and the spontaneous events of the day.

This is where I share with you the events of today. Events that have helped me. When Junior got off work this morning he went to my place to gently wake me up to start off the day. He rubbed my back till I woke up. When I woke up, he gave me a kiss and asked if I wanted to spend they day with him at my place or his. I said his place because it has a more homey feeling to it. So, we came over to Junior’s place.

Once we got to Junior’s place, he changed out of his uniform and into his pajamas. In fact the both of us have spent most of the day in our pajama’s with a couple exceptions that I will tell you about later on in this post. After Junior put on his pajamas he made breakfast. Breakfast consisted of French toast, scrambled eggs, bacon, fresh strawberries and chocolate milk. After breakfast, Junior went to bed as he had a long forty-eight hour long shift and I started the dishes. Junior ended up getting up shortly after going to bed to watch me do the dishes. As he watched me do the dishes for about five minutes he turned on some music.

Not just any music but music that represents our love for each other. After turning on the music, he went to were I was, turned of the water and gently grabbed my had asking me to dance. I, of course said yes and we danced in his living room. The dancing led to some passionate intimate moments. Yes, we made love. As we made love, I felt a sense of peace, I haven’t felt in months. A peace that Junior’s love for me is never-ending no matter how tough things get for either of us as individuals or as a couple.

After making love, we talked about things. Things that brought both happy and sad tears to the both of us. It was nice to be able to lay in bed holding each other talking. After a good talk we both fell asleep. We slept for a few hours before waking up to eat lunch and watch a baseball game on television.

We ate left over salad before the Seattle Mariners versus Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim game started. As we watched the Mariners play against the Angels we held hands, cuddled and even did some petting. Petting that led to more intimate moments. Moments that I am beyond grateful for. Yes, we did watch the baseball game. Granted it was only about half the game due to intimate moments but we did watch. I am happy to say that the Angels beat the Mariners once again. In fact they (the Angels) swept the Mariners under the rug. Junior of course was (and is) a little disappointed as he is a Mariners fan. Even though he is a devoted and loyal Mariners fan I still love Junior.

I love Junior because he is devoted and loyal to every aspect of his life. His devotion and loyalty to me amazes me and is something I don’t deserve. Even though I feel like I don’t deserve Juniors love, devotion and loyalty, he continue to give it to me and is extremely patient with me. Patient enough with me to let me cry as he held me. Yes, I cried. I cried due to the pain I was dealing with regarding PTSD symptoms I was experiencing. Junior just sat there holding me as I cried for a good half an hour. After as I was done crying we talked. Talked about the symptoms I was experiencing and then about what we were going to do about dinner.

We decided that we were going to have a simple dinner. A simple dinner of spaghetti, corn on the cob, milk and for dessert we had strawberry short cake. We made enough to have left overs tomorrow. I’m looking forward to left overs tomorrow because they always taste better the next day.

After dinner we did the dishes. Dishes that were left from breakfast and lunch as well the ones we had from dinner. When we were done with the dishes we sat on the couch talking again. Talking about our future. A future together. A future we want together.

As we discussed our future together we decided to do a jigsaw puzzle. Something we both enjoy doing. As we worked the puzzle together we ended up having yet another intimate moment. Another moment I am grateful for. I’m grateful for the moment because Junior and I haven’t had many intimate moments lately due to severe and on going symptoms of my Depression and PTSD. Moments that both Junior and I are grateful for.

Being grateful for what we have is a major reasons why our relationship has lasted so long. Another major factor is good communication. I’m sure you all agree that communication is key a good relationship no matter what type of relationship it is.

Today has been a Sunday to remember because of the time I have spent with Junior and as I end this post remember to thank those people in your lives that make an effort to make your day better. I know I plan on thanking Junior on making my day better. I hope to blog again tomorrow about the continuing education class I will be attending. Have a great rest of your weekend. Peace out!!!