Monthly Archives: August 2017

Nightmares Suck Shit; In Need of Being Creative

Posted on by Gertie

Ugg!!! Its 1:59 in the morning and I woke up from a stupid ass nightmare. A nightmare that scared the shit out of me.

After the nightmare I made me some tea and decided to blog. Blog about the struggle of having a nightmare. In fact I hope that blogging helps me get into a creative space.

A creative space that helped me several times in the last twenty-four hours. Creativity that helps me get into a better head space that I am currently in. I think I’m going to be collaging once again. Collaging pictures and words. Words that end up in poems. I’m really enjoying the collaging aspect of art.

As I create art and poetry I will of course be listening to music. Music that helps soothe me. Music that helped save my life. In fact if it wasn’t for music, I would have dropped out of high school. I was in the marching and concert band in high school. If it wasn’t for band I would have dropped out. As you can tell, music has helped me in many aspects of my life. Its helped me stay in school so I could graduate as well as helped me stay alive by not dying by suicide and to stay in recovery.

On that note, I should get going  so I can be creative. Hopefully,  I will be able to get some sleep. I hope everyone is sleeping well or at least did sleep well. Have a good night. Peace Out!!!

Creativity Is What Is Needed In A Time Of Struggles

Posted on by Gertie

I’m struggling at the moment with the symptoms of PTSD and Depression and it sucks shit. Struggling enough that I needed to call the afterhours crisis line of the agency I am a client of. I’m having strong urges to self-harm and needed to safety plan which is why I called the afterhours crisis line. I safety planned the person on the afterhours and happy with the plan we came up with.

One of the things that was suggested to me was to look over my DBT homework. Which I of course did and actually did some of it. See, I’ve been not so willing to do my DBT homework for a number of reasons. Many of which are excuses. Excuses that will only hinder me in my recovery.

Another thing that I informed the afterhours lady that I will do is blog. For me blogging helps me process. Process things that can be uncomfortable for me to deal with. Blogging has helped a great deal with starting to write poetry again.

Poetry is something that helps me process emotion and is another thing I’m going to do as part of my safety plan. I think I’m going to include art with my poetry. Something like I did last night with collaging words with pictures. I really enjoyed doing that. Or even collage some words on some of my finished coloring pages and creating a poem that way. I really thing poetry and art can go together.

One way to get all this creativity flowing is listening to music. Music helps with most everything. Music helps me be creative and helps me chill. In fact I’m listening to music now.

As I end this post listening to music, I want to thank you for reading. I know things are not good at the moment regarding self-harm, depression and PTSD but I know with me sharing my life with you will help others. Help others who struggle with a mental health condition know that they are not alone and that things do get better. Help others who don’t struggle know that people with a mental health condition can improve the quality of their lives and be productive members of society. Granted, I don’t view myself as being a productive member of society at the moment but I’m working on getting back there with help of my therapist. A therapist who appears to be in my corner. Again, thank you for reading.  Peace out!!!

Creativity Fights Off Dissociation

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I am sitting here tired as hell. I’m tired because I had several intense nightmares last night. The severity of them was so intense, I feared dissociation. I still fear the dissociation however I am thankful that I have therapy today.

Knowing that I have therapy today helped somewhat with the dissociation however it was the creativity that ultimately helped me fight off Dissociation. In fact Junior was the one that suggested doing something creative. Junior even helped me in the creative process despite having to work a 48hour shift as a firefighter today and tomorrow.

As I created new poems as well as art I listened to music. Music helps me get the creative juices going. The piece that I am most proud of is a collage I created with cut out picture and words. Words that ended up creating a poem. A poem that helped me realize that I am still depressed yet have some hope.

As depressed as I am, I’m thrilled that I have some hope left in me. Hope that helps me accept the love my partner has for me. A love that I never thought I would have due to having a mental health condition. Love doesn’t have limits nor does it see the flaws in people. A love that I am happy Junior has.

I just wish that I could be surrounded by Juniors love today however he is working a 48hour shift for the next. Knowing that he is helping others as well as the love he has for me helps me through the next two days.

As much as I would love talking about the love I have for and receive from Junior, I need to end this post. I need to get going as I have an appointment with my therapist. An appointment I don’t want to be late for. Have a good day all. Peace Out!!!

Weekly Check-In

Posted on by Gertie

Good evening, world!!! I realize its been a couple of weeks since I posted a weekly check-in even though I have posted a couple of times since then.

If I’m honest with myself and I mean really honest with myself, I have to admit something that I really don’t want to but have to if I want my recovery to move forward. That is that I am retreating back to some old behavior. Behavior that I am not proud of. My behavior at the appointments I had on Monday was inappropriate no matter what the circumstances were. My behavior in recent weeks and even the last two or three months has not been the best. I can make excuses and have some good ones I could use for my behavior but I’m not going to because it will just allow me to give myself permission to continue the not so good behavior.

I’m sharing this with you because if I continue on the path I am on then I’m giving up on my recovery and all the work that myself and many others put into me doing well, will have been time wasted by everyone involved. I don’t want to give up on my recovery. In fact I am at that point that I need to make a major decision in what direction I’m going to go in. The direction, I want to go in will require me to make some major changes in my life as well as some help from both my treatment team and natural support system.  Help I know I’m going to get.

With the help I know I’m going to get, I hope you can tell that I am choosing to be in recovery. It’s not going to be easy and its going to take a lot of work on my part. Work that I am fighting against at the moment but am going to do. I am an extremely stubborn individual and I’m going to use that stubbornness to help me get myself back to a place where I want to be.

If my intuition is correct I know that my therapist will help me get to where I want to be. She has proven to be an advocate for me. In fact I’m pretty sure my case manager will help me with this process as well. Granted, I may feel like my voice isn’t being heard but I know from experience with both of these individuals have advocated for me regarding my recovery. In fact my case manager knows that one day I won’t need her for the extra support and she was asking what that would look like during our last session. Even though I know that it didn’t end well but it gave me something to think about and when I see her next I will let her know my thoughts on it. I know she will be appreciative that I did give it some thought. I’m thrilled that both of my clinicians appear to be recovery focused.

Speaking of being recovery focused, I need to get going. I need to do my DBT homework. I’ve been quite willful in doing it and need to be willing, so I’m going to work on it or at least look over it.  I really hope that my treatment team will help me with getting back into a good head space. Have a good evening everyone and peace out!!!