Middle of the Night Ramblings

It’s the middle of the night and I am unable to sleep. Having insomnia sucks shit. The symptoms of my PTSD are not helping the insomnia. As I sit here writing this post I can’t help but realize this going to be a post about nothing or what I like to say; “ramblings.” More or less, this post is going to be one of them post that is helping me through a rough moment or two when dealing with the symptoms of PTSD and depression.

As I write this post, I realize I can wake up my partner, Junior, to help me through the symptoms of my mental health conditions however, he has to get up in about three hours to go to work. He is a firefighter and his shifts are typically 24-hours. I know if things get too bad with my symptoms, I’ll wake him up.

This is where using my DBT skills are quite helpful to me. For one thing, blogging is a quite helpful for me and an extremely useful tool. Reading is also considered a skill for me. I love reading and enjoy it. Unfortunately, right now reading is difficult for me. Mainly due to the voices I hear when I am extremely depressed. I experience psychosis when my depression hits me hard and it sucks. I wish I didn’t experience psychosis however I feel like it ultimately makes me a stronger person when it goes a way as my depression subsides.

I think I’m going to at least attempt at getting some sleep. I hope everyone is sleeping well and/or is having a good day when they read this particular post. Peace Out, World!!!

 

Ramblings About The Day & Friends

Good Evening, World!!! Today, was a sunny, crisp, cold day in Seattle. Extremely beautiful out yet way too cold for my liking however it’s always nice when it’s sunny outside this time of year.

I spent some of the day with a close friend. We had lunch and went rollerblading around a local lake at a park. It was nice spending time with a friend despite the both of us being cold at the end of rollerblading. I’m just happy that I have friends who are there for me through the good, the bad and the ugly. Many people would have just walked a way or distanced themselves when the symptoms of my mental health conditions reared their ugly head yet I have friends that don’t do that. I am forever grateful for those friends.

On that note, we then have those “friends” who are more like acquaintances and sometimes not even that. An example of such a friend happened today as well. I get a call from a local community mental health agency saying a particular person is using me as a professional and personal reference for a job. The thing about this is, is that this individual never even asked me if I would be a reference for them. I never really worked with this person and have only attended peer specialist/counseling related trainings with them as well never really staying in touch with them outside of trainings unless it involved other training. In reality I couldn’t be a reference for this person. I informed the person on the other end of the phone that I couldn’t give a reference of any kind as I don’t know the individual well enough and explained to them on how know the person we were discussing. The person on the other end of the phone was “grateful” for my “honesty” and that I wasn’t the only one “surprised” by being a reference. I realize that me informing the potential employer about this person that I really don’t them could cost them this particular job in their chosen career however it could look bad on me if the person didn’t work out especially if I ever want to work at this particular mental health agency. I know that sounds selfish but if I don’t know the person to give any type of reference, I don’t want to look bad.

Now on to another form of friendship. This more of romantic relationship. Right now as I write this post, Junior, is making dinner for the both of us. He is making homemade mac & cheese, ham, corn, and homemade peach cobbler. I love Junior and the support he has given me. He is an amazing person as well as an amazing partner.

Thank you for reading about my ramblings of the day. I hope you have a good rest of your evening. Peace Out!!!

Halloween, 2017

Happy Halloween!!! It’s been a couple of days since my last post. Overall, today has been a good day despite a few set backs. Set backs I hope to talk to my therapist about tomorrow.

As many of you know, today is Halloween which means I dressed up in a costume. I don’t care what others thought of me as it is only one time of year. On that note, I went to see my psychiatric nurse practitioner today dressed as Eeyore. My psychiatric nurse practitioner was “impressed” that I had the “courage” to dress up. I don’t think it takes courage to dress up in a costume on Halloween. Anyway, my meds got changed slightly. One med got increased while my sleeping med got completely changed. Part of the reason he changed is because its a benzo and it can feed two birds with one grain. It can help me sleep as well as help with anxiety. Not sure if I like the idea as it is a benzo and my dad was addicted to benzo’s  when I was a kid. But I am willing to give it a try. Worse case scenario, it doesn’t work and I get put back on my other med.

Before I end this post, I am looking forward to attending a Halloween party with my partner that our friends are hosting. Junior is going as a Zombie. Don’t ask me why but he is. For him that an easy costume so I guess that’s why he is going as a Zombie. We are both looking forward to spending time with each other and our friends. I am having some anxiety about attending the party however getting out and not isolating with be helpful to me.

Thank you so much for reading. I hope you all have a great rest of your Halloween. Please stay safe. Peace Out, World!!!

Everyday Inspiration; Day 19: Feature A Guest

Good Evening, World!!! today’s assignment for Finding Everyday Inspiration is to feature a guest. I have two very special guest I’ve interviewed. They are my partner, Junior, and the person who is a motherly figure to me, Mama Bear.

Do you remember the first time we “met?”

Junior: Yes, I remember our first interaction. Although, I’m pretty sure you don’t remember it.

Mama Bear: How in the hell can I forget our first interaction. I’m with Junior on this regarding you most likely don’t remember.

What was our first interaction?

Junior: Our first interaction was when I was apart of the crew that got called out to your place. You had attempted to take your own life. We (the crew) really didn’t think you were going to make it as you were so close to death.

Mama Bear: I might as well as say refer to Junior’s answer as I was apart of the same crew Junior was on. You did surprise the hell of us a few weeks later when we saw you walking around the neighborhood.

When you say “crew” what do you mean?

Junior: When I say crew I mean the crew that I work with. I am a firefighter.

Mama Bear: Refer to Junior’s answer as we are both firefighter. In fact we are still on the same shift at the same station. Most of the crew has changed.

How long have we “known” each other if you count our first in encounter?

Junior: Seventeen very interesting years.

Mama Bear: Again, refer to Junior’s answer.

Out of the last 17 years what have you learned from me?

Junior: I’ve learned that recovery is possible when dealing with a mental health condition. I learned a great deal of patients.

Mama Bear: To not be so judgmental especially toward individuals in a mental health crisis. More empathy and compassion.

Is there anything else you would like to say that I didn’t ask?

Junior: I love you with all my heart and am so grateful that you weren’t successful with your attempting to take your own life. I will always be here for you.

Mama Bear: Hmmm….Boy, you’re sure trusting with this question. I love you like you are my own daughter (even though I’m not officially old enough to my you mom). I, too am grateful that you weren’t successful with your (many) attempts with dying by suicide. This world would not be the same without you.

I interviewed Junior and Mama Bear as I hope that starting in the next couple of weeks to have them start posting on the monthly basis. I’m hoping for this so you all can get a different perspective on mental health conditions. Thank you to both Junior and Mama Bear for answering my questions.

I hope that everyone has a great evening. Peace Out, World!!!

Everyday Inspiration; Day 12: Critique a Piece of Work

Good Morning, World!!! For today’s assignment for Finding Everyday Inspiration course, is to critique a piece of work. The first thing that came to mind was Picasso because a few years back an exhibit of Picasso came to the local art museum in which I attended. So, for this assignment I decided to  google Picasso and a butt load of images appeared. The above piece of art is not a Picasso piece but it caught my eye. In fact it also caught Junior’s eye. The artist name is Marlina Vera. I don’t know much about the artist however I will look more into this individual after I “critique” this piece of art work.

I was and am intrigued by this piece of art work for many reasons. It reminds me of Picasso but mostly reminds me of the love that Junior and I have for each other. Junior and I discussed the above piece of art as we held hands. We realized that not only looking at the art but discussing it, that this piece of art turned us on sexually.

It turned us on sexually because it shows a couple holding each other with much love. A way Junior and I would do and have done. In fact after looking at this piece of art and discussing it we did have an intimate moment. An intimate moment that was very pleasurable yet cut short due to my PTSD symptoms.

My critique of this piece of art work may not be a typical critique but I don’t care. I love this art piece as it shows the love a couple can have for each other no matter what the other looks like. This piece not only had Junior and I discussing sex and intimacy but that of body image.

Body image can be a big deal when looking at art. This is one piece of art that has not just me thinking about body image but Junior as well. Its amazing on how many topics one piece of art can come up in a discussion about it.

I know this isn’t much of a critique but its my critique and like the feelings the piece of art work brings to me (and Junior). Thank you for reading. I greatly appreciate you reading my blog. I hope everyone has a good Monday. I also hope you all have great week at work. Peace Out, World!!!

A Major F*ck Up (Contains Graphic Images)

GRAPHIC IMAGES

(IN THIS POST)

It’s two o’clock in the morning on Monday, October 16th of 2017. This particular blog post is not going to be a pretty one. It’s not going to be a pretty one because, I’m not only going to be discussing what happened on Saturday night but showing you images. IMAGES THAT ARE QUITE GRAPHIC!!!

(SIDE NOTE: Before I continue on with this post I want to reassure you that I am NOT suicidal and I DON’T feel like harming myself at the moment. If I were to become suicidal and/or feel like self harming, I will take myself to the hospital like I did Saturday.)

Saturday night was not the most pleasant of days for me. Both my PTSD and Depression symptoms got the better of me. So much so that I ended up cutting myself. I scared myself so much by cutting myself that I called two close friends who took me to the hospital to get evaluated. I would have called Junior however he was working at the moment and didn’t need him to worry as he is a firefighter.

As I was stating my friends took me to the Emergency Room where my wounds got treated and I got evaluated for my state of mind. Everyone was in agreement that I could (and still can) remain safe and was able to return home.

I stayed with my friends till Junior got off work. He picked me up from my friends house. He looked at my wounds and redressed them. We discussed on what I could do the next time things go this bad. Next time I won’t be so hesitant to reach out for support of friends are so fearful of calling 911.

Part of the reason why I ended up cutting on Saturday night was because I was fearful of my symptoms and angry that I was having them. I did end up getting some stitches. You may or may not be able to see the stitches but wanted to fore warn you.

(FYI: I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL!!! I CURRENTLY DO NOT FEEL LIKE HARMING MYSELF.)

THE BELOW IMAGES ARE GRAPHIC:

 

I just want to show you the realities of what happens when I am in an extremely bad head space. This is why I am grateful that I have a great support system. I am beyond grateful that I have a loving partner and awesome friends who are in my corner.

Thank you for reading my blog. I truly apologize if I triggered anyone with this particular blog post. Again, I want to reiterate: I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL AND I DON’T WANT TO HARM MYSELF IN ANY WAY. I’M NOT A RISK OF HARMING MYSELF OR ANYONE ELSE. Again, I want to thank for reading my blog. I hope I didn’t trigger anyone. If I did, I truly do apologize. I hope everyone has a good Monday. Have a good work week everyone and Peace Out, World!!!

 

 

Everyday Inspiration; Day 10, Let the Scene Write Itself

Good Morning, World!!! Today’s assignment appears to be easy. Or it’s a simple one for me. It pretty much ask to let the scene write itself. In fact it was and is the scene I am waking up to at the moment.

Junior woke me up in bed by giving me a simple kiss on the cheek. He then served  me some breakfast me bed. He made me French toast covered in banana’s and caramel, strawberries and cream oatmeal and chocolate milk. Junior made me breakfast in bed to reassure me that his love for me grows for me each day.

I already knows how much he loves me. I wish I was able to show my love for him a little bit more however as of lately it’s been difficult to do so. Junior understands and will be there for me no matter what. I love Junior with all my heart.

I think I should end this post for now as Junior is finishing up getting ready for work. He is doing his 24 hour shift as a firefighter. I love him so much. Both of our hearts goes to the firefighters fighting fires in California. Have a good weekend!!! Peace Out, World!!!