In Need of Going to the Hospital

Good Monday Morning, World!!! It is just a few minutes after two o’clock in the morning and I am have some pretty severe symptoms regarding my mental health challenges. Specifically, it is my depression that I am really struggling with, right along with my PTSD symptoms. The symptoms of my mental health challenges are quite overwhelming and causing me some concern. Concern enough for me to take myself to the Emergency Room.

I say that it is concerning enough to take myself to the hospital because I am having extremely high urges to self harm. I fear that I can do some serious harm to myself if I do not take myself to the hospital. Sadly, I also have some suicidal thoughts with a plan and this lead me to realize that I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND WILL TAKE MYSELF TO THE HOSPITAL BEFORE I DO ANY HARM TO MYSELF IN ANYWAY, AFTER I AM DONE WRITING THIS POST. I just don’t like feeling like this and wish taking myself to the hospital wasn’t an option but it is needs to be an option as I want to live and not die nor harm myself myself in any way.

The things that have been keeping me safe to this moment in time is my cat, Lil Gertie. She has been by my side since I woke up yesterday (Sunday) evening. She some how knows with her animal intuition that I am struggling at the moment. I personally think if it wasn’t for my cat, Lil Gertie, I would have attempted to die by suicide but thankfully I have not. I have not due to the fact that I have a responsibility to my cat, Lil Gertie. Lil Gertie doesn’t need to be an orphan once again nor in yet another animal shelter. It is because of my cat, Lil Gertie, that I am taking myself to the hospital to keep myself safe so I DON’T ATTMEPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE NOR SELF HARM. I WILL NOT SELF HARM OR ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE because I owe it to Lil Gertie, my cat, to be around to take care of her.

The other thing that has been helping keeping me safe from self harming or attempting to die by suicide to reading an awesome book called Yesternight by Cat Winters. It has been helping me great deal to keep me out of my own head and not think of about self harm urges or being suicidal. It is an awesome book and I highly recommend the book, Yesternight by Cat Winters.

The other thing beside my cat and reading, is doing some art. I have been painting. Painting to see if it will help me put some words on to the emotions I am feeling in regards to my current state of my of suicidal plans and self harm urges. It helps help a great deal but not enough to help me not go into the emergency room. I am grateful that I was able to express how I am feeling through the art of painting.

I do not have much more to say in this post. I just want to let you all now that I WILL NOT SELF HARM NOR WILL I ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE AS I WILL BE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL VIA A LYFTONCE I AM DONE WRITING THIS POST. NO THIS IS NOT AN APRIL FOOL’S JOKE NOR IS IT A PRANK!!! I want tho thank you for reading my blog as it is greatly appreciated and yes, if I do get hospitalized for psych reasons, I do have people who can cat sit my my cat, Lil Gertie!!!. Thank you again for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a good Monday. Peace Out, World!!!

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The Possibility of Getting Hospitalized

Good Morning, World!!! I have had four days with out sleep and I am tired at fucking hell. Unfortunately, the lack of sleep and the longer I go without sleep the more the symptoms of my mental health diagnosis increases. Increased symptoms are never a good thing.

I see my therapist today and will inform him that being in the hospital might be needed at the moment considering how I have been feeling. The dissociation, lack of sleep, voices that I can only hear are coming back, suicidal thoughts and self harm urges are starting to wear and tare  on me. I also have not showered since last Wednesday (March 20th). I would prefer taking a bath over a shower but my apartment doesn’t have a bathtub but I do have a shower. So, basically my hygiene is lacking due to the fact I haven’t showered in about a week.  I am hoping he can get me straight into a psych unit verses having to go the route of the Emergency Room.

If I do get hospitalized, I have a couple of people who can take care of my cat, Lil Gertie. Lil Gertie, my cat, is my biggest worry if I get hospitalized as I don’t want her to feel like I abandoned her. I love my cat, Lil Gertie so much. I know that the people who look after Lil Gertie if I am hospitalized will do a good job.

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The above picture is a painting that I started and completed last night. I couldn’t sleep despite having taken an Ambien. Not sure what it exactly means but I like the painting. I hope you all enjoy it.

I do not have much to say. If you don’t see any post for a while, it is because I was put on to a psych unit. Most likely a unit without computers for patients to . I hope everyone has a good day. I am taking a backpack full of clothes and books to my therapy appointment just in case I do get hospitalized. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. If you don’t see a post from me it is most likely due to be being hospitalized.

SIDE NOTE: I WILL NOT SELF HARM NOR WILL I ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE. THAT IS WHY I AM GOING TO SEE IF MY THERAPIST CAN PUT ME INTO THE HOSPITAL.

Writing Under the Influence of Ambien

Hello, World!!! I am on my fourth night of not sleeping. It is getting quite frustrating not being able to sleep. If I am unable to sleep tonight, I am going to request that I get hospitalized when I see my therapist later this afternoon. The lack of sleep is not helping to decrease the symptoms of my mental health challenges. In fact the lack of sleep is increasing the symptoms of my mental health challenges and it is quite scary when the symptoms start to increase.

In fact as I am writing this I am writing under the influence of Ambien. I attempted to go to sleep but it is not making me sleepy. I wish the Ambien would make me sleepy but it is not. Ambien makes me goofy. It helps me be creative in ways I could not imagine especially when I am painting. My paintings come out extremely interesting and not sure what I am exactly attempting to express emotionally. Maybe it is everything that I am feeling emotionally or the shit I deal with in regards to my mental health challenges.

While doing my current piece of art I, of course am painting under the influence of Ambien with some pretty awesome music playing. I have a mixture of Grunge Rock and some Emo Rock. It’s quite the genre’s to be listening to while in the state of mine I am in with Ambien added on top it off with. It least I am not harming myself with the painting and listening to the music. I just wish I could get some sleep.

Speaking of sleep, I should try to get some as I am pretty sure I am done with my painting for the moment. The painting needs to dry so maybe later in the morning I can write a post about the painting and post the picture up onto my blog. Just an idea. I am really tired. The music is helping me be tired. Have a good night of sleep everyone. Peace Out, World!!!

Update From My Previous Post

THIS IS AN UPDATE ABOUT HOW I AM DOING. I INFORMED YOU IN MY LAST POST THAT I WILL UPDATE YOU. I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT I WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE NOR WILL I HARM MYSELF. THIS POST IS JUST AN UPDATE ON HOW I WILL KEEP MYSELF SAFE TILL I SEE MY THERAPIST TOMORROW (TUESDAY, MARCH 26TH, 2019).

I hope everyone is having a good Monday. I still have not gotten any sleep. I didn’t go to the emergency room as I didn’t think I needed to do so. My therapist agreed with my self assessment when I talked to him on the phone. In fact he called me this morning as I was getting ready to go to the mental health agency I am client of to see if I could see him or the person on-call for the day. We discussed ways to keep myself safe today. So far the safety plan is working which is a good.

In fact he called me a second time today, just a few minutes ago. He wanted to check-in with me again to make sure things were going okay. I told him I still felt like harming myself as well as being suicidal. We made an agreement that I WILL NOT ACT ON ANY OF MY URGES TO DO HARM TO MYSELF. We came up with another safety plan and I plan on following it as I really want to attend my session with my therapist tomorrow (Tuesday, March 26th, 2019). My therapist said that we will discuss whether are not being in the hospital is what is best at the moment.

One of the things, I have been doing today is painting. I have created three paintings today. Well, I finished two of the three painting and started then finished the third painting. I am happy with the paintings I did today.

I have also been reading my book Yesternight by Cat Winters. I am really enjoying the book. It is a real page turner. Well, it is a page turner for me. It is one of those books that is difficult to put down once you start reading it.

During all this I have been listening to music. Music helps me a great deal. It helps soothe my soul and my mind. I have also been dancing in my apartment to the music. I am surprised that nobody has complained yet about how loud my music is.

I, of course have been giving my cat, Lil Gertie, a great deal of attention. She is loving the attention for the most part. There are some moments she is tolerating the attention. I think she knows that I am struggling at the moment. I love the fact that animals can pick up on how you are doing emotionally.

I don’t have much more to say. I want to thank you for reading my blog as it is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great Monday. I also hope everyone has a good work week. Peace Out, World!!!

SIDE NOTE: I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT I WILL NOT HARM MYSELF OR ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE. IF IT GETS TOO INTENSE I WILL TAKE MYSELF TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.

In a Bit of a Lil Funk

Good Morning, World!!! As of lately I have been in a little bit of a funk. A funk that appears to be sticking around long than desired and expected. The bump in the road I thought I was experiencing has now turned into a funk and it is not very fun. I was making some progress and now I am in a funk.

Dealing with the symptoms of Anxiety, Depression and PTSD is not the easiest of things to do. To add to the difficulties is that I am dealing with some dissociation and that sucks shit. I know what I need to do to combat the symptoms and I will let you know what I plan on doing to combat those symptoms. Most of what will help combat my symptoms is doing something creative which I mentioned in a previous post that I posted yesterday. I am also including a couple of other things as I know they will be helpful as well.

I, of course will be listening to music as I do the activities I plan on doing to help reduce my symptoms. Music always appears to be quite helpful for me especially when I am combining listening to it while doing something else. Oh how music soothes my soul.

One of the things I plan on continuing from yesterday is writing. Specifically writing poetry. I am wanting to create some poems about what is going on with me emotionally at the moment. Not sure how many I can write today but it is my hope that I can create about ten poems this next week. I am not holding my breath about writing that many but it is my goal that I will be able to do so.

I will also continue to work on the paintings I started yesterday. In fact I think I may be almost done with one. I hope to share it with you at some point during this week. Painting is a great hobby despite it being expensive. That is why I tend buy a lot of canvas at the same time as it cheaper to buy in bulk. I usually buy the bottles of paint as I need them as I don’t want the paint to dry up if it is not used right away. I don’t know what I will do with all my paintings as I have no where to put them and they are not ones I exactly want to sell plus I don’t think anyone would want to buy them. I love painting whether or not they are worth any money or not.

Another thing I am planning on doing is reading. I am going to start reading one of the novels I got at Emerald City Comic-Con. The book I think I am going to read is Yesternight by Cat Winters. It was a book that was suggested to me to read. The best part of buy this book is that I was able to meet the author and have her sign it. I am excited about reading this book.

I don’t have much more to say. I just want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great and relaxing Sunday. Peace Out, World!!!

 

Still Working on My Creative DBT Skills

Good Afternoon, World!!! I am needing to take a break from both writing poetry and painting. Mainly, I am needing to take a break from the painting as I am waiting for the paint to dry so I can continue working on the painting once it dries. I am still not sure where the painting to going to be but so far it appears to be quite interesting.

Writing my poetry is coming as easy as I thought it would be. I thought I would have a written at least two poems by now but I only have one written. I am however going to be looking at some photos to help me get some inspiration to continue to write some poems.

Writing and painting appear to be helping with my PTSD and Depression symptoms which is a great thing. I am glad I went with my creative DBT skills as I knew they would be the most helpful today. I hope that maybe in a later post that I can share my painting and/or poem(s).

I just want to remind everybody who reads my blog that I have advertisements on my blog. I have advertisements on my blog to help me earn some extra money. The only way I can earn money from the advertisements is if people click on them. I only earn a cent or two per advertisement that is clicked. I, unfortunately don’t get paid till all the combined clicks adds up to one hundred dollars. Sadly, I am only at ninety dollars and am only ten dollars away from receiving the money. I am hoping that you can click on the advertisements so I can get to the one hundred dollars. I wish each click wasn’t only a cent or two but each click is helpful. I would be greatly appreciative if you could click on an ad or two every time you read my blog. .

I don’t have much more to say. I want to thank you for reading my blog as I greatly appreciated it. I hope everyone has a great Saturday. Enjoy your weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

Looks Like a DBT Skills Type of Day

Good Afternoon, World!!! It is early afternoon in my corner of the world. I have been dealing with a bump in the road for about three to four weeks now. It appears to be turning into a funk but if I have anything to do with it, it won’t get into a funk. But for those of us who deal with mental health challenges sometimes the funk is beyond our control which sucks shit.

As the symptoms of my mental health challenges appear to be increasing I realize it needs to be a DBT skills type of day. I say this because I have been fighting of dissociation due to the PTSD I struggle with. I am also struggling with Depression symptoms. Specifically, isolation. I am also struggling with self harm urges and want to reassure you that I AM CURRENTLY NOT AT RISK of harming myself.

Considering the type of symptoms, I am currently struggling with I realize that using my DBT skills today is key to my recovery and long term goals. Specifically, the DBT skills I will be using all have to do with creativity. For me being creative is what helps me with the dissociation. In fact music will be a major part of my day. I say this as if I am not playing my flute or harmonica, I will be listening to music as I am creative in other ways. I plan on doing some art. I am actually going to be painting. I have an idea or two for what I want to paint. I love painting as it helps me expression my emotions when I am having difficulty expressing them in other ways as well as not knowing what emotion I am currently feeling. Another way, I plan on being creative is writing. In fact I am writing right now as I blog. However, I am planning on writing some poetry as I feel a few poems that may be on the horizon. Poetry is another way to express my emotions. Of course I will be listening to music as I paint and write like I am doing now. Like I mentioned earlier, I will be playing my flute or harmonica at some point today. Of course I will not be listening to music when I am playing one of my musical instruments.

I am thinking that I don’t have much more to say that I will go end the post especially since I am hungry and in need of making lunch. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great Saturday and weekend. Peace Out, World!!!