Weekly Check-In

Good Evening, World!!! It’s been quite a week. A week full emotions. The primary emotions I have felt this week have been fear and anger. In fact I think if it wasn’t for the fear and anger, I wouldn’t have been on my creative streak.

This week I ended up being extremely creative by painting, writing poetry and even started writing some music to play on my flute. Being creative has been proven helpful for me when it comes to dealing with the symptoms of the mental health challenges I struggle with.

Being creative is something I also that helps me when I am having some major sleep issues. I was unable to sleep for three days straight despite my sleep hygiene strategies. I do think that being creative is what helped me finally getting limited sleep last night.  I am grateful for the sleep I did get last night.

I don’t have much to say regarding my week for this past week as there is not much going on that I am willing to share. Thank you for reading. Have a good rest of your weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

Middle of the Night Ramblings

It’s the middle of the night and I am unable to sleep. Having insomnia sucks shit. The symptoms of my PTSD are not helping the insomnia. As I sit here writing this post I can’t help but realize this going to be a post about nothing or what I like to say; “ramblings.” More or less, this post is going to be one of them post that is helping me through a rough moment or two when dealing with the symptoms of PTSD and depression.

As I write this post, I realize I can wake up my partner, Junior, to help me through the symptoms of my mental health conditions however, he has to get up in about three hours to go to work. He is a firefighter and his shifts are typically 24-hours. I know if things get too bad with my symptoms, I’ll wake him up.

This is where using my DBT skills are quite helpful to me. For one thing, blogging is a quite helpful for me and an extremely useful tool. Reading is also considered a skill for me. I love reading and enjoy it. Unfortunately, right now reading is difficult for me. Mainly due to the voices I hear when I am extremely depressed. I experience psychosis when my depression hits me hard and it sucks. I wish I didn’t experience psychosis however I feel like it ultimately makes me a stronger person when it goes a way as my depression subsides.

I think I’m going to at least attempt at getting some sleep. I hope everyone is sleeping well and/or is having a good day when they read this particular post. Peace Out, World!!!

 

Everyday Inspiration; Day 16: Mine Your Own Material

Good Evening, World!!! Todays, Finding Everyday Inspiration’s is to mine our own material. More or less its having us look at unfinished (and unpublished) drafts to use as todays post. I am more than will to finish a draft and post it as part of this assignment however I have a number of drafts in my “drafts folder” and am having trouble choosing which one to finish. So the idea I came up with is to write a brief paragraph (or two) about the subject matter of the majority drafts I have in my “drafts folder.”

The post I was working on last was about the Los Angeles Dodgers winning the National League pennant and going to the World Series. I being from Southern California am thrilled to see the Dodgers going to World Series. Now, maybe an L.A baseball will be taken seriously again. Last time any baseball team was taken seriously in L.A was when the Angels beat the Giants in the 2002 World Series. Hell, the Angels were the underdogs and shocked the hell out of everyone including their own fans. I am so looking forward to see who the Dodgers play against. I really hope its the Houston Astro’s for a multitude of reasons. One reason is because nobody likes the Yankees except for Yankee fans. Another reason is that I have an Aunt that lives in Houston, it I think it will be fan to have a little family rivalry going.  Weather the Dodgers play the Yankees or the Astro’s play against them, I really want the Dodgers to win the World Series.

Another post I have in my “draft folder” is about my session with my therapist on Wednesday. It was about how it went and how I felt and continue to feel after my session. I’ve been slowly working on it and hope to have it posted sometime over the weekend. It might be in my Weekly Check-in but I doubt it because of how much time I’ve already spent drafting the particular post. I really like my therapist. She is challenging me on a lot of things which is having me think. I’m still getting use to her therapy style but I’m okay with adjusting to it.

Something that was brought up in my session with my therapist was that of yet another blog post draft. That is my sleep or the lack there of. The post is about how the lack of sleep (insomnia) that I am experiencing is due to combination of the symptoms of my PTSD and Depression diagnosis. Right now there really isn’t anything I can do about my insomnia but the things I am already doing. So, yeah, sleep doesn’t appear to be my friend at the moment.

Now that I’m finished with my assignment and the interpretation of how it was post be done, I’m going get something to eat. I hope that everyone has a good weekend. Thank you again, for reading and Peace Out, World!!!

Everyday Inspiration; Day 14: Recreate a Single Day

Good Morning, World!!! Today’s Finding Everyday Inspiration’s assignment is to recreate a single day. I can think of many day’s I could recreate however, I choose not for various reasons. If I recreate a single day even one of the best days of my life that means I would have to relive some of the worst days of my life.

Don’t get me wrong, I remember and recreate some of the great moments in my life when things get tough especially when PTSD symptoms occur. I just don’t want to recreate a single because everyday has made me who I am today and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Yes, I would have loved to not experienced the trauma I endured throughout my life however those trauma’s helped shaped who I am today. I most definitely wouldn’t want to recreate the trauma’s I endured. I don’t think anyone would want to recreate the trauma’s they endured.

Yes, I would love to have certain positive moments recreated at the moment especially since I have been struggling as of lately however I know I will get through this despite the doubts I currently have. I guess what I am saying is all the experiences I have had in my life is what made me who I am today. As much as I want to recreate a single day; it means it would recreate who I am at this moment in time.

I should really get going. It’s four in the morning and I haven’t been to sleep yet. I have to be up in three hours. I have to be up in three hours so I can get ready for the day and attend my therapy appointment. A much needed appointment. As I end this post I want to thank you for reading. I hope everyone has a great Hump Day (Wednesday). Peace Out, World!!!

I’m Dreaming of Sleep

Good Morning, World!!! It’s nearly two thirty in the morning in my neck of the world. Right now, I’m dreaming of sleep. I haven’t been sleeping very well since I was assaulted nearly a month ago.

Having a good nights sleep is crucial to ones overall health especially for those of us who have a mental health diagnosis. Something I have learned over the years is to have a sleep schedule or what people in the mental health field call sleep hygiene.

For me sleep hygiene means going to bed at the same time as well as getting up at the same time. For me, I tend to go to bed at 11:30pm on week nights (Sunday – Thursday) and get up at 7:30ish in the morning on week days (Monday – Friday). Unfortunately, I toss and turn and unable to sleep so I get up. I tend to get up and stay up at the same time week days and wish my sleep hygiene schedule would work right now.

Now that I have rambled on and on about my sleep hygiene and the lack of sleep I am getting, I might as well as end this blog post and try to sleep. I hope you have an awesome day. Peace Out!!!

Nightmare Leftovers

     Hey! I guess I can say it’s officially Friday since it is 1:34 in the morning (pacific time). Its been Friday for an hour and thirty four minutes now. I guess a Happy Friday is in order. Happy Friday, everyone!!!

     I have been up for about an hour and a half now due to a stupid ass nightmare. Thankfully, I’m at my boyfriends house and he is helping me through what I call the nightmare leftovers. Sometimes the nightmare leftovers are difficult to deal with. Depending on what type of nightmare I had, I can wake up in little girl mode. Most of the time when I am in little girl mode after a severe nightmare like tonight I don’t realize that I’m in it because the nightmare felt like the trauma was happening all over again. It can take quite awhile for me to get out of little girl mode. Tonight it only took an hour for me to out of little girl mode. According to my boyfriend, I was 9 year old Gertie for that hour. Apparently 9 year old Gertie thinks my boyfriend is a safe person and that is a good thing. My boyfriend is a safe person. I have stuffed animals at my boyfriends house to help me through rough moments even if the rough moments are not when I am in little girl mode. My therapist says that its a common thing for people to dissociate after a severe nightmare or PTSD symptom. The dissociation is getting less and less as well as farther apart as I continue to work through the pain of my past with my therapist. Well, I’ve gotten off track. Back to the nightmare leftovers. My boyfriend is a strong man (both emotionally and physically) and is able to handle the nightmare leftovers pretty well. When I become little Gertie my boyfriend gives me one of my stuffed animals to hold and puts on a Disney movie. I guess tonight 9 year old Gertie wanted to watch The Jungle Book so my boyfriend put it in for her to watch. When I get out of little girl mode I usually put on some music to help get grounded again. I put on Nirvana to help me get grounded and it helped me. See, another part of the nightmare leftovers is that it takes a while for me to recuperate from the nightmare especially if I was in little girl mode. The part that is most difficult for my boyfriend is when he wants to cuddle with me (when I am not in lil girl mode) to try to comfort me and I cant because its difficult for me to be touched. That part is difficult for me as well however its quite difficult for him and I wish I stand being touched after a nightmare. I am extremely grateful that my boyfriend is patient with me and whatever symptoms any of my mental heath diagnoses may bring. I just wish I had the patients with the symptoms that he has with them. Nightmare leftovers suck because being intimate with my boyfriend isn’t going to happen when we go back to bed. Cuddling maybe but not sex. I am getting really sleepy.

     I am thinking should get going so I could get some sleep. I might even have my boyfriend cuddle with me so I can feel a little bit safer. He always makes me feel safe. I should get going and try to get some sleep. Hopefully, I can get some sleep. I know my boyfriend will stay up with me if need be. It is now 2 o’clock in the morning and I really need sleep. Peace out!

Nightmares Suck!!!

     Good morning Thursday! It is 1:46 in the morning pacific time and I am awake from a screaming nightmare. Waking up from a nightmare is not very fun. I am tired as hell. Waking up my boyfriend from my nightmares is not my idea of fun. He is helping me through this difficult moment of waking up from a horrific nightmare. PTSD is a daily struggle. In fact it is a nightly struggle as well. If it wasn’t for his support or the support of my friends when my nightmares act up I would have some pretty lonesome nights. I choose to depend on my support system to help me through difficult moments like my nightmares.

     Another way to help myself through rough times like these is read books such as A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles  Dickens. Most of the time I end up reading a comic book. Mainly I read Wonder Woman comic books to get my mind back on track so I can get back to bed. Sometimes watching comedies like The Cosby Show helps me relax enough to get back to sleep. Sometimes I watch comedy movies to help make me laugh. Laughter make me relax to where I can calm myself down enough so I can eventually get some sleep.

    If it wasn’t for the love and support of my boyfriend supporting me right now I would be dealing with it by myself. I also get support from friends when I ask for it. The hard thing for me is asking for the help. So accepting help from my boyfriend is a major accomplishment for me. Depending on your natural support system is a major sign of the recovery process.

    I think it’s time for me to try to go back to bed and get some sleep. I do have a doctors appointment in the morning regarding my burned fingers. They still hurt like hell. Have a good night sleep all. I will let you all know what my doctor says about my burned fingers after my appointment. Peace out and have a goodnight sleep.