An Ambien Written Post

Good Morning, World!!! It about 2:15 in the morning on a Tuesday in my corner of the world. In fact I am sure some places in the world are ending their Tuesday as other parts of the world like where I live is just starting out their Tuesday.

Right now I am unable to sleep despite attempting to get to sleep. So, now I am up and decided to write a post as I hope that maybe writing will help. I love to write weather it’s blogging, journaling, poetry or short stories. For some reason it is quite helpful for me when I am needing to clear my mind.

Since I am unable to sleep I decided to put on some music. In fact, the playlist I am listening to at the moment, I titled, Childhood Memories, as it is songs I remember from my childhood. Most of the songs I have heard over and over again. Some how music helps me.

Before, I decided to write a blog post, I decided to color. I love to color. It is a form of both mindfulness and meditation for me. It helps me be in a place of relaxation as well helps me turn out the outside noise that the world brings in.

To be honest with you all, I am going to have to look at this post later on today as well as the art work I colored because I took an Ambien when I started coloring about an hour ago. So, yes, I am writing under the influence of Ambien. This post should be an interesting post to reread. In fact I am sure my coloring might be interesting to look at after the ambien wears off and I am able to get some sleep. I think I am going to go to bed now as I am extremely sleepy now from the ambien and I will leave my music on as it helps me sleep.

I do not have much else to say as if I continue to write I most likely will be repeating myself. My cat is meowing at me from my bed in the bedroom so I am thinking she is telling me it is way past my bed time. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Peace Out, World!!

Advertisements

A Goodnight Post

Hello, World!!! It is 11:30pm on Monday night in my corner of the world and I am getting sleepy so I think it is time to go to bed. Even though I am really sleepy and about to go to bed, I want to continue to read the book I am reading. In fact I have been reading since my last blog post. A cool thing is that my cat, Lil Gertie, has been cuddling with me for most of the last few hours as I read.

Tomorrow, I don’t have much going except that I have an appointment with my therapist. I really need to attend my appointment tomorrow (Tuesday) as I miss my appointment last week. We have a great deal to discuss as well as work on. My therapist is extremely cool and he cares about his clients or at least that has been my experience.

Other than seeing my therapist tomorrow, I don’t have much else planned. I think I am going to do the same thing I did today, tomorrow. That is to have scented candles burning with music blaring as I read or do some form of art. Not sure what type of art yet but some form of art. I figure if I do what I did today it will help me be more chill especially since I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. Therapy is never easy and if I am able do good self care tomorrow like I did today then I will be all good for the most part.

Good self care is an essential part of being in recovery. For me, what I did today is only part of my self care routine and is something I enjoy. Of course, I can’t always do today’s form of self care because of responsibilities I have to tend to but when I am able to do what I did today, it is well worth it. Self care looks differently for everyone and it changes daily.

I don’t have much more to say. Thank you for reading my blog as it is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a good nights sleep. Goodnight and Peace Out, World!!!

A Lazy Type of Day

Good Evening, World!!! It has been a relaxing Monday. I haven’t really been productive today except with getting my meds and some wet cat food for my cat, Lil Gertie. Other than the two errands I did, I pretty much have been lazy today. It’s been a pretty lazy day because I really didn’t have much to do and the weather here in Seattle has pretty much sucked most of the day. It is nothing uncommon for Seattle’s weather to suck in early spring like today.

I have spent most of the day including now as I write this post is having some scented candles burning. This has been quite soothing to me today because the symptoms of my mental health symptoms have been high. For some reason it helps calm down the symptoms.

Another thing that I have spent most of the day doing is listening to music. There is something about music that soothes both the mind and the soul. Music is also something you can have on in the background doing other things.

As I was listening to music like I am now, I was also coloring. Coloring helps me be mindful of the current moment. Being mindful of the current moment is something that is greatly needed when things aren’t exactly going they way you want or need them to be. For me coloring helps with that.

While coloring my cat interrupted me on several occasions. It was obvious that she was doing her typical cat thing of wanting to “help.” So, when she wanted to “help,” I gave her the attention she was wanting and appeared content for another hour or two. I love my cat, Lil Gertie, so much.

Since I pretty much colored most of the day, I am going to read this evening once I am done writing this post. I love reading and it seems like an appropriate way to end to the a nice relaxing and lazy day. I really love reading. Reading helps me go to places, I would otherwise not be able to go. It also helps with my imagination which helps me forget my own problems and issues. Of course as I read, I will continue to have the music on and the scented candle burning and maybe my cat, Lil Gertie, will be willing to cuddle up with me as I read.

I don’t have much more to say. Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a good rest of their Monday evening. Peace Out, World!!!

In Need of Going to the Hospital

Good Monday Morning, World!!! It is just a few minutes after two o’clock in the morning and I am have some pretty severe symptoms regarding my mental health challenges. Specifically, it is my depression that I am really struggling with, right along with my PTSD symptoms. The symptoms of my mental health challenges are quite overwhelming and causing me some concern. Concern enough for me to take myself to the Emergency Room.

I say that it is concerning enough to take myself to the hospital because I am having extremely high urges to self harm. I fear that I can do some serious harm to myself if I do not take myself to the hospital. Sadly, I also have some suicidal thoughts with a plan and this lead me to realize that I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND WILL TAKE MYSELF TO THE HOSPITAL BEFORE I DO ANY HARM TO MYSELF IN ANYWAY, AFTER I AM DONE WRITING THIS POST. I just don’t like feeling like this and wish taking myself to the hospital wasn’t an option but it is needs to be an option as I want to live and not die nor harm myself myself in any way.

The things that have been keeping me safe to this moment in time is my cat, Lil Gertie. She has been by my side since I woke up yesterday (Sunday) evening. She some how knows with her animal intuition that I am struggling at the moment. I personally think if it wasn’t for my cat, Lil Gertie, I would have attempted to die by suicide but thankfully I have not. I have not due to the fact that I have a responsibility to my cat, Lil Gertie. Lil Gertie doesn’t need to be an orphan once again nor in yet another animal shelter. It is because of my cat, Lil Gertie, that I am taking myself to the hospital to keep myself safe so I DON’T ATTMEPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE NOR SELF HARM. I WILL NOT SELF HARM OR ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE because I owe it to Lil Gertie, my cat, to be around to take care of her.

The other thing that has been helping keeping me safe from self harming or attempting to die by suicide to reading an awesome book called Yesternight by Cat Winters. It has been helping me great deal to keep me out of my own head and not think of about self harm urges or being suicidal. It is an awesome book and I highly recommend the book, Yesternight by Cat Winters.

The other thing beside my cat and reading, is doing some art. I have been painting. Painting to see if it will help me put some words on to the emotions I am feeling in regards to my current state of my of suicidal plans and self harm urges. It helps help a great deal but not enough to help me not go into the emergency room. I am grateful that I was able to express how I am feeling through the art of painting.

I do not have much more to say in this post. I just want to let you all now that I WILL NOT SELF HARM NOR WILL I ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE AS I WILL BE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL VIA A LYFTONCE I AM DONE WRITING THIS POST. NO THIS IS NOT AN APRIL FOOL’S JOKE NOR IS IT A PRANK!!! I want tho thank you for reading my blog as it is greatly appreciated and yes, if I do get hospitalized for psych reasons, I do have people who can cat sit my my cat, Lil Gertie!!!. Thank you again for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a good Monday. Peace Out, World!!!

It’s Midnight & Unable to Sleep

Happy Twelve Midnight, World!!! Since it is officially twelve midnight in my corner of the world, that means it is officially Monday in Seattle. I really do not think I will be able to sleep tonight in part of insomnia but mainly because I slept most of the day on Sunday.

As I am writing this post my cat, Lil Gertie, is wanting to much needed attention. I have been giving her a great deal of attention since I woke up late afternoon, early evening yesterday (Sunday) due to sleeping most of the day. I am not really sure why I slept most of Sunday but I did. I sure know that Lil Gertie, my cat, will be happy that I will be on her “wake schedule” so I can play with her and give her some attention. I love my cat, Lil Gertie, as she has been quite helpful to me in regards to my emotional and mental health. When I went to go to adopt a cat, I went to the same place everyday for a week and she as always the one to come and greet me and play with me. The day adopted her, there were only two other cats that were still there when I first went to look at cats. Neither one of them were interested in me but Lil Gertie was so I think she chose me and not me choosing her even though I would have chosen her anyway. She somehow knows when I am struggling and know what to do in a particular situation. I love my cat, Lil Gertie, so very much.

Since I am not really sure I am going to be able to sleep tonight, I will not only be paying attention to Lil Gertie, my cat but will be reading a book by Cat Winters named Yesternight. It is a pretty awesome book and I am highly recommend it. I am not quite to the half way mark of the book but so far so good. If you like historical fiction with a little bit of horror in I would highly suggest reading. It also has some fantasy and science fiction aspects to the book as well. So it is a book that can be of interest to folks across the genre spectrum. I like the type of books that can use multiple genres in one book as it makes more entertaining and interesting read.

I just hope that this isn’t exactly a sleepless night for me as I would like to get some sleep so I don’t sleep again all through the day light hours on Monday. I don’t need my sleep schedule to get more off that it already is. I need to practice some good sleep hygiene.

I do not have much more to say as I want to get to paying attention to my cat, Lil Gertie, and to reading my book Yesternight by Cat Winters. I hope everyone has a great night of sleep. So, Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end. Have a good night sleep everyone. Peace Out, World!!!

UGH!!! Why Can’t They Just Fix The Damn Thing?

Good Afternoon, World!!! I am quite frustrated at the fucking moment. I am frustrated because the building fire alarm is malfunctioning once again. I just don’t understand why the building management won’t actually fix the damn thing. The fire alarm malfunctions multiple times a month and sadly the entire fire alarm system has been replace three times in the eleven years I have lived here.

The worst thing about it going off this time around is that I was in the freaking shower. There is nothing more annoying than a fire alarm starting to malfunction as you are taking a shower. When the alarm started going off, I quickly got out of the shower, dried off as best as I can and got dressed. I, then put my cat, Lil Gertie, in her carrier and exited the building as I wasn’t sure if there was actually a fire and another malfunction. Thankfully, there was no fire but it sure is frustrating that it was yet another malfunction.

Through all this the fire department called the building management after hours number as nobody is in the office in the evenings or on the weekends. The firefighters are getting quite frustrated with the situation. When the firefighters finally reached someone they were informed that it could take “a few hours to get there.” Well, the firefighter talking with person from management got extremely upset and said “someone needs to be here in a half an hour or less or the fine will double if not triple the amount depending of what the fire marshal decides. Needless to say someone from the building management was here in about fifteen minutes and then about twenty minutes later someone from the maintenance team was here.

More or less all this took about an hour and I am finally back in my apartment. My cat is extremely happy to be out of her carrier and back in the apartment. Hell, I am happy to be back in my apartment. I am now planning on taking another shower as I was unable to finish my last shower due the fire alarm malfunction.

I do not have much more to say as I don’t want to get myself angry as I am frustrated at the moment due to the situation mentioned in this post. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Peace Out, World!!!

The Possibility of Getting Hospitalized

Good Morning, World!!! I have had four days with out sleep and I am tired at fucking hell. Unfortunately, the lack of sleep and the longer I go without sleep the more the symptoms of my mental health diagnosis increases. Increased symptoms are never a good thing.

I see my therapist today and will inform him that being in the hospital might be needed at the moment considering how I have been feeling. The dissociation, lack of sleep, voices that I can only hear are coming back, suicidal thoughts and self harm urges are starting to wear and tare  on me. I also have not showered since last Wednesday (March 20th). I would prefer taking a bath over a shower but my apartment doesn’t have a bathtub but I do have a shower. So, basically my hygiene is lacking due to the fact I haven’t showered in about a week.  I am hoping he can get me straight into a psych unit verses having to go the route of the Emergency Room.

If I do get hospitalized, I have a couple of people who can take care of my cat, Lil Gertie. Lil Gertie, my cat, is my biggest worry if I get hospitalized as I don’t want her to feel like I abandoned her. I love my cat, Lil Gertie so much. I know that the people who look after Lil Gertie if I am hospitalized will do a good job.

IMG_0453

The above picture is a painting that I started and completed last night. I couldn’t sleep despite having taken an Ambien. Not sure what it exactly means but I like the painting. I hope you all enjoy it.

I do not have much to say. If you don’t see any post for a while, it is because I was put on to a psych unit. Most likely a unit without computers for patients to . I hope everyone has a good day. I am taking a backpack full of clothes and books to my therapy appointment just in case I do get hospitalized. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. If you don’t see a post from me it is most likely due to be being hospitalized.

SIDE NOTE: I WILL NOT SELF HARM NOR WILL I ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE. THAT IS WHY I AM GOING TO SEE IF MY THERAPIST CAN PUT ME INTO THE HOSPITAL.