Hump Day Morning Ramblings

Good Morning, World!!! Happy Hump (Wednesday) Day!!! I woke up extremely early this morning due to a fucking nightmare and couldn’t get back to sleep. I have attempted many times since waking up to post but am finally in a space to be able to do so.

Just like this morning, I didn’t have a good morning yesterday. In fact my day yesterday (Tuesday) was shitty. I woke up yesterday with strong urges to self harm which I did NOT act on. I thankfully had an appointment my doctor and I was noticeably upset which is rare for my doctor to witness. We discussed the issues of self harm and did a safety plan before we called my therapist. Surprisingly, he picked up and the three of us talked. We decided that I would go see my therapist yesterday for an unexpected session.

When I attended my unexpected session yesterday, my therapist and I spent an hour and a half talking about what the hell was going on with me. We discussed self harm issues of course.  We also discussed how a combination of the grief with my grandma and the stress of starting a new job which could be causing the high urges to self harm. During our unexpected session yesterday we both agreed that me coming in today for my regularly scheduled appointment would be very much needed.

So, when I woke up this morning with a nightmare, I also woke up feeling suicidal and having urges to self harm. So that is when I called the after hours crisis line I am able to call when I am in a crisis. As I talked with the woman on the other end who knows me well, we discussed ways to keep myself safe till I see my therapist later this morning. So, yes, I can keep myself safe till I talk with my therapist and come up with another safety plan with him during our appointment.

Another thing that is keeping me from self harm and dying by suicide is that I have a training I need to be at for work this evening. So, working is actually helping me with keeping myself safe from myself.

Thank you for reading my blog. It is very much appreciated. I am grateful for all of you because you read my blog. I hope everyone has an awesome day. Peace Out, World!!!

(SIDE NOTE: I will NOT attempt to die by suicide and I will NOT harm myself.)

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Not So Random Thoughts

Good Morning, World!!! By now I am sure many of you especially those who live in the United States that a small airplane was stolen from SeaTac Airport. Sadly, it did crash and the person who stole the plane is suspected to be dead. The news is saying that this was a “suicide mission and not a terrorist attack.” The person who stole the plane was a grounds person for an airline at the airport. I am unable to comprehend how this was able to happen post 9/11. Another thing I am unable to comprehend is that if the man who did steal and crash the plane was suicidal why the media isn’t discussing more about mental health challenges and how it affects society as a whole. My heart goes out to the family of the individual.

On that note, I am switching the topic drastically. I am changing it to dental care. Specifically, my dental care. I think I have a tooth abscess.  I think it’s an abscess because I have had them in the past. If it doesn’t get better by this time tomorrow, I am taking myself to the emergency room to get it taken care of.  All I know is that I have a high pain tolerance and my tooth hurts like hell.

As many of you my regular followers, have noticed, I haven’t been blogging as much. I have no excuses on why I haven’t been blogging as much. The blogging community is a community, I am proud to be apart of. We are a tight nit community and I have seen very little drama within the blogging community. So to my followers, I thank you for allowing me to be apart of your community.

Thank you for reading. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

Depressed Yet Grateful

Good Morning, World!!! I woke up this morning depressed yet grateful to be alive. I’m grateful to be alive as I am realizing that I never would have thought when I was in my late teens and early twenties that I would live to be my current age of 39. I thought way back when that I would have been dead due to suicide.

Despite being depressed and unemployed, I am grateful for my life and the life I have lived thus far. Yes, I have made my fare share of mistake however they have helped shaped who I am today. I have decided to share with you my gratitude list for the day.

  • Life itself
  • My cat, Lil Gertie
  • My family
  • My friends
  • The blogging community
  • The mental health help I am getting
  • My therapist
  • My doctors
  • My apartment
  • My teddy bear
  • Being able to read
  • Music
  • Being able to play the flute and harmonica
  • Summer

That is my gratitude list for today. I hope it helps you find the little things in life to be grateful for. Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is extremely appreciated on my end that I have people that read my blog. Have a great day. Peace Out, World!!!

Let’s Get Fucking Real

Good Morning, World!!! Over all it has been a good morning. As good as this morning has been I am angry. This anger has lead me to write this post. I am fucking going to get real here.

I don’t fucking understand why that only time America discusses mental health and suicide is when a mass shooting happens or when a celebrity dies by suicide? Why in the fucking hell does the media wait to something tragic happens. The month of May is mental health awareness month and not one news station in my area discussed mental health unless there was a school shooting involved.

We as not just a country but the world need to discuss more about mental health and suicide. We need to lessen the stigma that goes with it yet nothing is being done. I share bits and pieces of me here on my blog. I have emailed my politicians and local news stations yet nobody appears to give a rats ass till something tragic happens.

So, here I am sitting at my laptop attempting to lessen the stigma of getting help with a mental health challenge and/or suicidal thoughts or actions. I want people around the world that you are not alone in this battle. It is not an easy feat to battle depression or anxiety or any other mental health condition or suicidal thoughts however if you seek out help from people it can and will get better. I’m not going to lie and say its always going to be peachy keen when you get help and get better but you will have the skills to help you when things to get bad again.

The National Suicide Hotline number here in America is 1-800-273-8255. I don’t know Suicide hotline number for other countries or I would be giving those out as well. Please if you are struggling with your mental health and/or suicide please reach out to someone.

Thank you for reading. Peace Out, World!!!

The Elephant In The Room

Good Morning, World!!! I am awake at three o’clock in the morning due to not being able to sleep. Both my insomnia and depression are acting up. Not sure why either are acting up but they are.

When I started to write this post I didn’t know what I was going to write about. So lets discuss the elephant in the room; the two celebrities who died by suicide, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. Many people are mourning their sudden and untimely deaths. People are grieving over this and I don’t blame them as it is sad news.

As sad as it is to hear about someone’s death especially when it is death by suicide people start to discuss it a little bit more. I personally think we need to talk about both suicide and mental health conditions more so we can lessen the stigma that goes with it.

If anyone is in crisis and needs to talk the United States National Suicide Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. I know this number will work in the United States however I am unsure about the rest of the world. I wish I had other crisis numbers for other countries however I do not. Please if you are in a mental health crisis or thinking of killing yourself don’t hesitate to reach out to someone.

Thank you for reading!!! Peace Out, World!!!

It’s Been An Overall Good Day

Good Evening, World!!! Today, overall has been a good day despite not getting any sleep. I even attempted to take a nap when I got home from day treatment and seeing my therapist.

As I stated I saw my therapist today. We discussed my suicide attempt on Wednesday and talked about it in detail. We discussed how having a cat helped me make the decision to live and carry on with my life. We talked about the three groups I plan on attending especially the DBT group I start back up tomorrow. We both agree that DBT group will be extremely important for me to attend. I showed him my scrap book and he appeared surprised that I was will to share something “so personal” with him. We talked about how arts and crafts have been helpful to me. In fact he wants me to continue to attend art group as he “feels like it helps” me express my emotions. He is going to sit in on Art group on Monday.

I see my doctor tomorrow and my doctor called me today to check in on me. We talked a little about my suicide attempt. She just wanted to make sure I was doing better and to make sure I’ll be going to see her tomorrow. I confirmed that I would be there tomorrow. We will be discussing the suicide attempt even though it was more than a week ago.

I am grateful that I am not suicidal and that I have a good support system that checks in with me. My therapist, doctor, and psychiatric nurse practitioner all agree that I am doing okay at the moment. They are talking with each other and agree that me being out of the hospital for psych reasons is a good thing.

Thank you so much for reading. It is greatly appreciated. Have a great evening. Peace Out, World!!!!

Everyday Inspiration; Day 6: A Space To Write

For me having a space a good place to write also depends on the head space I am in at the moment. As of lately, I’ve been in a head space to where writing has been quite helpful for me.

When I am at hope I like to write facing my west living room window so I can look up and see the trees outside of my window. This helps me when I’m having trouble coming up with words to help me convey with what I want to say. The words someone says or writes can bring a person down or lift a person up. For me I hope that I lift folks up with what I say and write.

I say this because I’ve had harsh words said to me. Words that had me thinking about dying by suicide. (No, I’m NOT currently suicidal.) When I talk and/or write, I want to make sure my words don’t have others thinking about death by suicide.

For me the space to write all depends on my head space and is different every time I write. I like to write by water no matter my head space however that can be dependent on the weather if I write outside. I also like to write in mom and pop coffee shops. It helps with my creativity.