Yesterday Was Not a Good Day

Good Morning, World or at least it is three twenty one in the morning in Seattle. Yesterday (Tuesday) was not a good day for me. I ended up in the hospital twice in the Emergency Room due to being suicidal. First time I went in it was four something in morning and was discharged. Thankfully I got home just in time for my psychiatric nurse practitioner called me for our phone appointment, She put me on Ativan which was a good thing.

Being home was not a good thing so I called my therapist who is fairly new to me and appears to be a great therapist. I also called one of the supervisors who happens to be my therapist supervisor. I called the both and left them both an email. The supervisor suggested to go back to the hospital so I did. But the first thing I did was have my grandpa and uncle pick up Billie with his supplies to take to grandpa. My uncle and grandpa dropped me back at the same hospital I was earlier.

On that note they had already did shift change and the social worker on duty was surprised to see me as I’m not going to the Emergency Room for mental health in over four years. Partly glad it was her and partly wish she wasn’t her. She pointed out some stuff I needed to hear which let me come back home. I’m glad she helped me make that decision as I fear if I ended back in a psych ward I most likely would have retreated to old behavior.

As of right now I can’t sleep for unknown reasons so I took an Ativan to help with my anxiety since Billie my cat is with my grandpa and uncle. I know Billie is in good hands but I sure do miss the little dude. Well not so little as he is fifteen and a half pounds. He could loos a few pounds just like I do.

I do not have much to say in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Just Realized I Have a Four Day Weekend

Hello World!!! I am just realizing that I have a four day weekend ahead of me because I forgot it was Memorial Day weekend so I am taking tomorrow (Friday) off to go to a four hour training that will help me with my chosen career. I also made a doctors appointment for tomorrow to follow up on some health care needs that I need to be taken care of.

First of all want to pay tribute to those who served in the military and paid the ultimate price for our country; death. They helped keep our freedoms and am grateful for their ultimate sacrifice.

Not on to some sad news that client of mine from work died by suicide. This was a shocker as this client worked really hard with their recover from depression and other stuff. This client is an inspiration to me in regards to keeping on the recovery path. I can not say more as I could be breaking the HIPAA Law. I am just sad that their depression got the better of them. At least they are no longer suffering.

On Saturday, I am going to go visit family and have some meals with them. It is always nice to spend time with family especially my grandpa. I love my grandpa so much. My grandpa is my hero.

On Sunday I will be volunteering at PAWS Cat City. I love volunteering with animals specifically. I look forward to Sunday mornings when I get some time with more kitties.

On Monday as well as other days when I have the time I will be reading a book. Not jut ay book but a Star Wars book. I love Star Wars and I love to read. I am really looking forward to this four day weekend.

Before I forget I will be spending time reading with my cat Billie which makes this weekend a good one.

On that note I don’t have much more to stay in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciate from my end that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you my reader reading my blog I would not be writing my blog. So thank you from the bottom of reading my blog. Peace Out World!!!

A Sleepless Night in Seattle for this Human but not the Cat

As I mentioned in my last post a colleague of mine attempted suicided. This friend and colleague are going to make it. I visited for a couple of hours and came home to do some self care. Self care that included reading about Seattle History while holding my teddy bear and other stuffed animals. Of course I am unable to sleep due to my colleague but my cat is sure sound asleep snoring a way. I love my cat so much and am appreciative that you read my blog not matter how debby downer it is or positive polly it is and everything in between. Thank you for being loyal readers.

Just Got a Dreaded Call

Hello, World!!!! This is going to be a short and dreaded blog. I just got a call saying a colleague of mine attempted suicide. Thankfully, they are going to live but this is the what we expected but just not so soon. I will be visiting this colleague later today as it’s the middle of the night here in Seattle. I am grateful for my cat who is giving me the comfort and empathy, I need at the moment. I am grateful that my colleague will survive. I hope you all have a good rest of your night.

Not the not So Typical Weekly Plans Blog

This weeks, weekly plans are not going go as planned. I didn’t get much sleep because I ended up in the hospital because my depression and anxiety were acting up. Thankfully, I wasn’t in a suicide mode or self harm mode.

After a few hours of sleep I am going to my grandpa’s house to do laundry. So sleep and laundry are on the list for today.

Of course I will be working Monday through Friday this week. It will not be an easy week but at least my friends, family and colleagues are being supportive.

The Love Hate Relationship w/Social Media

Good Evening, World!!! It is almost ten o’clock at night here in the Seattle area. As some of you may be aware of that not only was yesterday (Monday) Valentines Day, it was also the fourth year anniversary my grandma past away. I had post several times yesterday on Facebook about how much I miss my grandma.

Sadly, I had to unfriend three so called friends. The all individually contacted me privately that I was being “too dramatic” about my grandma death. One even said that “loosing your grandma isn’t like loosing your mom.” This person does has a point but had no idea that my grandma was my motherly figure for a good portion of my life because my own mom was not able to be a mom to me at the time. Thankfully, my mom and are slowly minding our relationship which is a good thing as she did what she need to do to fix things in here life to be a better mom to me. On that note, I another so called friend let me that I “needed to kill” myself. So basically, was told I should die by suicide. There is no way in fucking hell that I will die by suicide as I have too much to live for.

The reasons I have to live for is one; I have have job I love with a passion. Two; I have the two loves of my lives; Billie Dean my cat and my teddy bear I’ve had since I was born. Three; I have friends and family that not only care about me but love me as well. Four, I want to let my clients know that suicide isn’t always the answer that they one day will do some great and awesome.

I am so glad suicide hasn’t grossed my mind in years. I’m glad that suicide is not an option for me. I love my live and am content with it. Plus, I have great supportive friend and family that love and care about me.

I do not have much more to say in this particular post except that I do not want to die or kill myself. I also want to thank you for reading my blog. It is also greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it wasn’t for you the reader, reading my blog I would not be writing my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Not So Random Post About Serious Topics

Good Morning, World!!! Nineteen years ago today, America experienced a terrorist attack the world would never forget. The terrorist attack didn’t just affect the United State but the entire world as many people from around the world worked in the Twin Towers in New York. Nineteen years ago was not just a challenging time for the world but it was uncertain time as well.

Uncertain times just like now with Covid-19. Sadly, the difference between 9/11 and Covid-19 is it appears that the world isn’t working together or maybe I should say America isn’t working with the rest of the world to stop Covid-19. This makes me sad and I wish there was something to make America be on the same page as the rest of the world when it comes to Covid-19.

Speaking of Covid-19, I have realized that the media is talking more about September being suicide awareness month than in previous years. I think the reason why it is being brought up nearly everyday in September thus far is because of people being more isolated due to Covid-19. The isolation that Covid-19 has brought has even “normal” people showing signs of anxiety and depression which makes people more aware of how challenging it is for people who do have a mental health challenge. As grateful as I am as that media is bringing attention to suicide awareness and mental health challenges due to Covid-19, I wish the media would discuss import topics like suicide and mental health more on the regular basis then maybe the stigma wouldn’t be so prevalent.

Now on to a totally different topic. The topic of how bad the air quality is here in Seattle. The air quality is horrific due to the wild fires across Washington and the west coast. The wild fire smoke is so bad in Seattle that you can smell the smoke in the air and it appears that the fires are closer than they really are. The west coast of the United States is pretty much dealing with major wild fires in an already uncertain time which doesn’t make it any easier. The air quality in Seattle is probably the worst I have experienced in the last 25 years of living in the Seattle area. Only time I have experienced it worse than it is now is when I grew up in Southern California. California’s air quality was bad when I grew up. Sometimes from all the cars. Sometimes due to fires. Sometimes both. Oh how I wish the air quality was better in Seattle at the moment.

I think I am done talking about all the sad things in the world or at least for today. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you read my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. I hope everyone has a great day ahead of them. I also hope everyone has a great weekend ahead of them. Please take care of yourselves and try to stay healthy. Peace Out, World!!!

Blessed (Summer) Solstice

Blessed Solstice, World!!! It is the first day of summer in the northern hemisphere while it is the first day of winter in the southern hemisphere. I am so grateful that it is now summer and the longest day of the year. Sadly, tomorrow the days start getting shorter but am going to enjoy the summer either way.

As summer starts, I realize that this last week hasn’t been the easiest of weeks for me and that I have my mental health treatment team worried about and rightfully so. Monday started off like any other Monday. I had an appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner and that we okay. It only went okay due to the fact that I withheld information from her and that ultimately didn’t help me on Tuesday but thankfully, I found out on Monday that I didn’t need to work on Tuesday night which I was and am thrilled about.

Now on to Tuesday. Tuesday was not a good day for me. I am not exactly sure why but it wasn’t. Long story short, I attempted to die by suicide by overdosing on one of meds. Thankfully, my psychiatric nurse practitioner has me pick up my meds once a week at my pharmacy so it was only a weeks worth of one medication. I was in the emergency room for about eight hours according to the medical records that were sent to my therapist. Sadly, I only talked with the social worker for about ten minutes and she informed me that it was MY duty to notify the after-hours crisis team of the mental health agency I am a client of to let them know I attempted to die by suicide. She didn’t even call them to let them make the decision to come evaluate me to see if hospitalization was needed. So when I got discharged from the emergency room and got home I called the after-hours crisis line and let the crisis clinician know. The after-hours clinician was upset at the social worker in the emergency room I was at because she was there twice evaluating two different people while I was there and the social worker didn’t even inform her. Thankfully, the after-hours clinician wasn’t upset with me and she told me that it is her (the hospital social worker) duty to notify her and not mine which I already knew. We talked for about forty-five minutes to make sure I was okay enough to be safe at home.

On Wednesday, my therapist called me and we discussed my attempted suicide and what happened with the emergency room social worker. He wanted to make see what my side of the story was as the after-hours crisis clinician ended up going back to the same emergency room I was in to evaluate another client and “had some words” with the emergency room social worker about me. Apparently, the after-hours crisis clinician is “extremely protective” of me in particular because she “sees a lot of” me in her. So, I informed my therapist of my extremely limited interaction with the emergency room social worker. After my phone call with him I guess he got my medical records from the emergency room and talked with a social worker who is familiar with me but was not on when I was in the emergency room and from my understanding that social worker wasn’t exactly happy with her colleague and how she handled my care.

Thursday (yesterday), I had my session with my therapist and we discussed at length about my attempted suicide. We also discussed how my psychiatric nurse practitioner want me to get my med two to three times a week at the pharmacy located on the campus of the mental health agency I go to. I informed my therapist that I am not liking the idea but understand that is it for “safety reasons” and that even though I don’t like the idea I would prefer to go to the pharmacy I have been going to for the last nineteen years. I informed him that I won’t “put up a fight” about getting my meds two to three times a week if we could compromise on me getting my meds from the pharmacy of my choosing, if not then I will “put up a fight.” He said he would discuss it with my psychiatric nurse practitioner about it and I know it will all work out. Another thing I did yesterday was go to DBT group and am grateful for the group. DBT has been quite helpful for me and have been making an effort to do the skills that don’t come automatically to me. The DBT skills is one of the things the has been one of the most helpful things for me and my mental health recovery.

Something, I have noticed since coming home from the emergency room is that my cat has become more clingy. She has been laying on my lap or chest when I am sitting my recliner more frequently and for a longer period of time. I think she knows that I am struggling and is doing what she thinks is helpful in comforting me and it is quite helpful. I am so grateful for my cat and that she has picked up quickly without any training on what helps me emotionally. Animals are so smart that way. I love my cat so much and am beyond thrilled that she is my emotional support animal. Getting my cat, Lil Gertie, is one of the best decisions I have made.

I do not have much else to say. I am NOT currently suicidal am NOT at risk of any self harm acts. If I do have self harm urges or feel suicidal I will take myself to the emergency room and/or call the after-hours crisis line that my mental health agency provides for their clients. I want to thank you for reading my blog. I greatly appreciate your readership. I hope everyone has an awesome summer and great weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

In Need of Going to the Hospital

Good Monday Morning, World!!! It is just a few minutes after two o’clock in the morning and I am have some pretty severe symptoms regarding my mental health challenges. Specifically, it is my depression that I am really struggling with, right along with my PTSD symptoms. The symptoms of my mental health challenges are quite overwhelming and causing me some concern. Concern enough for me to take myself to the Emergency Room.

I say that it is concerning enough to take myself to the hospital because I am having extremely high urges to self harm. I fear that I can do some serious harm to myself if I do not take myself to the hospital. Sadly, I also have some suicidal thoughts with a plan and this lead me to realize that I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND WILL TAKE MYSELF TO THE HOSPITAL BEFORE I DO ANY HARM TO MYSELF IN ANYWAY, AFTER I AM DONE WRITING THIS POST. I just don’t like feeling like this and wish taking myself to the hospital wasn’t an option but it is needs to be an option as I want to live and not die nor harm myself myself in any way.

The things that have been keeping me safe to this moment in time is my cat, Lil Gertie. She has been by my side since I woke up yesterday (Sunday) evening. She some how knows with her animal intuition that I am struggling at the moment. I personally think if it wasn’t for my cat, Lil Gertie, I would have attempted to die by suicide but thankfully I have not. I have not due to the fact that I have a responsibility to my cat, Lil Gertie. Lil Gertie doesn’t need to be an orphan once again nor in yet another animal shelter. It is because of my cat, Lil Gertie, that I am taking myself to the hospital to keep myself safe so I DON’T ATTMEPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE NOR SELF HARM. I WILL NOT SELF HARM OR ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE because I owe it to Lil Gertie, my cat, to be around to take care of her.

The other thing that has been helping keeping me safe from self harming or attempting to die by suicide to reading an awesome book called Yesternight by Cat Winters. It has been helping me great deal to keep me out of my own head and not think of about self harm urges or being suicidal. It is an awesome book and I highly recommend the book, Yesternight by Cat Winters.

The other thing beside my cat and reading, is doing some art. I have been painting. Painting to see if it will help me put some words on to the emotions I am feeling in regards to my current state of my of suicidal plans and self harm urges. It helps help a great deal but not enough to help me not go into the emergency room. I am grateful that I was able to express how I am feeling through the art of painting.

I do not have much more to say in this post. I just want to let you all now that I WILL NOT SELF HARM NOR WILL I ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE AS I WILL BE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL VIA A LYFTONCE I AM DONE WRITING THIS POST. NO THIS IS NOT AN APRIL FOOL’S JOKE NOR IS IT A PRANK!!! I want tho thank you for reading my blog as it is greatly appreciated and yes, if I do get hospitalized for psych reasons, I do have people who can cat sit my my cat, Lil Gertie!!!. Thank you again for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a good Monday. Peace Out, World!!!

Update From My Previous Post

THIS IS AN UPDATE ABOUT HOW I AM DOING. I INFORMED YOU IN MY LAST POST THAT I WILL UPDATE YOU. I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT I WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE NOR WILL I HARM MYSELF. THIS POST IS JUST AN UPDATE ON HOW I WILL KEEP MYSELF SAFE TILL I SEE MY THERAPIST TOMORROW (TUESDAY, MARCH 26TH, 2019).

I hope everyone is having a good Monday. I still have not gotten any sleep. I didn’t go to the emergency room as I didn’t think I needed to do so. My therapist agreed with my self assessment when I talked to him on the phone. In fact he called me this morning as I was getting ready to go to the mental health agency I am client of to see if I could see him or the person on-call for the day. We discussed ways to keep myself safe today. So far the safety plan is working which is a good.

In fact he called me a second time today, just a few minutes ago. He wanted to check-in with me again to make sure things were going okay. I told him I still felt like harming myself as well as being suicidal. We made an agreement that I WILL NOT ACT ON ANY OF MY URGES TO DO HARM TO MYSELF. We came up with another safety plan and I plan on following it as I really want to attend my session with my therapist tomorrow (Tuesday, March 26th, 2019). My therapist said that we will discuss whether are not being in the hospital is what is best at the moment.

One of the things, I have been doing today is painting. I have created three paintings today. Well, I finished two of the three painting and started then finished the third painting. I am happy with the paintings I did today.

I have also been reading my book Yesternight by Cat Winters. I am really enjoying the book. It is a real page turner. Well, it is a page turner for me. It is one of those books that is difficult to put down once you start reading it.

During all this I have been listening to music. Music helps me a great deal. It helps soothe my soul and my mind. I have also been dancing in my apartment to the music. I am surprised that nobody has complained yet about how loud my music is.

I, of course have been giving my cat, Lil Gertie, a great deal of attention. She is loving the attention for the most part. There are some moments she is tolerating the attention. I think she knows that I am struggling at the moment. I love the fact that animals can pick up on how you are doing emotionally.

I don’t have much more to say. I want to thank you for reading my blog as it is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great Monday. I also hope everyone has a good work week. Peace Out, World!!!

SIDE NOTE: I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT I WILL NOT HARM MYSELF OR ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE. IF IT GETS TOO INTENSE I WILL TAKE MYSELF TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.