Happy Birthday, To Me

Good Morning, World!!! It is officially twelve midnight in my corner of the world. It being twelve midnight, I can say that I am now officially forty years old. Today is a big day for me because it is my 40th birthday. Turning forty for anyone is a major deal however it is a bigger deal for me that most people because there was a point in time where I didn’t think I would live to see forty. I didn’t think I would live to see forty because I sincerely thought I would have taken my own life. Yes, I thought I would die by suicide. Turns out that recovery happened. When recovery happens then you have the will to live most day. Yes, I did say most days. The days where the will to live is lower then that’s when you seek out the support you need to seek out. I am so happy to be forty and I hope I have at least forty plus more years of being in recovery.

Yes, I do plan on celebrating my birthday. In fact I have a couple of celebrations already planned with others. I also have my own personal plans to celebrate turning forty. In fact I hope to post about the various celebrations in a later post. I say this as I really want to finish watching The Tonight Show. It is one of my favorite shows to watch. In fact there is nothing better than bringing in any birthday than with laughter and humor.

I don’t have much more to say in this post. I am just really grateful to be alive. I am beyond grateful that I chose to be in recovery as I do not have a clue where I would be at this moment in time. So I am full of gratitude for my life, recovery and everyone who has helped me along the way.

I just want to thank everyone for reading my blog as it is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I really do enjoy sharing my story of recovery with each one of you. I hope everyone enjoys today. I know I will. Peace Out, World!!!

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The Count Down Is On

Good Evening, World!!! I can’t believe I almost forgot to post about this as today (Thursday) February 7th marks one month till my 40th birthday. I honestly did not think I would make it to my 40th birthday. I say this as I thought I would have died by suicide by the time I turned forty and have absolutely NO plans on doing so as I am in a really good place with my mental health challenges.

As much as I am thrilled that I am a month away from being forty years old, I can not help but think of all the ways that helped me get to where I am at. First and for most if it wasn’t for Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and many years of various types of therapy including DBT, I would not be here writing this post now.  I really thought I would have died by suicide and due to many people who believed in me, I am still here.

I am beyond grateful that I am still here as I have so much I can offer this world. Yes, I have some pretty bad downs however, I now know that I can get through them with with my DBT skill and the help of my friends as well as my mental health treatment team. To me making it to forty is proof that no matter how difficult things are, you can get through it. It might seem daunting as it most certainly is at the time but just know you can make it through.

I don’t have much more to say as I just posted about twenty minutes ago on an entire different topic. Thank you so much for ready my blog as it is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a good rest of their night. Peace Out, World!!!

A Saturday With An Unexpected Stresser

Good Morning, World!!! I had a nice and relaxing Friday evening which was a much needed form of self care for me last night. If you are wondering what I am talking about just read my last post. I am grateful that I decided to spend my Friday evening the way I did.

The reason why I am grateful for my nice and relaxing self care Friday evening was because when I woke up this morning and checked Facebook, I saw friend saying she needed “help and felt like nobody cares and the world would be better off” without her. I unfortunately don’t have her new phone number or I would have called her to see if she is okay. From her Facebook post, even though she didn’t directly say it, I would suspect that she has suicide on her mind. But there is no way of knowing as she is thinking about it as she didn’t directly say so in her Facebook post but her post did send up red flags for me as she is possibly suicidal. I did leave her a positive comment as well as a private message. In the private message, I did give her a couple of crisis numbers she could call as well as my phone number.  I think my friend is dealing with some depression as this is the time of year that her depression acts up.

Even though having my friend being vague in a Facebook post and it kind of stressing me out, I realized that I am in need of doing some good self care again. So, I made me some hot chocolate. Chocolate always seems to soothe me. I, of course realized that part of good self care is getting some food into me as I am hungry so I am eating a bowl of Rice Krispies. Granted cereal isn’t the best breakfast but at least it is food. So, having Rice Krispies and hot chocolate is both comfort food for me as well as good self care.

I don’t have much more to say in the post. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. If it weren’t for you my reader, I wouldn’t continue to blog. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

Hump Day Morning Ramblings

Good Morning, World!!! Happy Hump (Wednesday) Day!!! I woke up extremely early this morning due to a fucking nightmare and couldn’t get back to sleep. I have attempted many times since waking up to post but am finally in a space to be able to do so.

Just like this morning, I didn’t have a good morning yesterday. In fact my day yesterday (Tuesday) was shitty. I woke up yesterday with strong urges to self harm which I did NOT act on. I thankfully had an appointment my doctor and I was noticeably upset which is rare for my doctor to witness. We discussed the issues of self harm and did a safety plan before we called my therapist. Surprisingly, he picked up and the three of us talked. We decided that I would go see my therapist yesterday for an unexpected session.

When I attended my unexpected session yesterday, my therapist and I spent an hour and a half talking about what the hell was going on with me. We discussed self harm issues of course.  We also discussed how a combination of the grief with my grandma and the stress of starting a new job which could be causing the high urges to self harm. During our unexpected session yesterday we both agreed that me coming in today for my regularly scheduled appointment would be very much needed.

So, when I woke up this morning with a nightmare, I also woke up feeling suicidal and having urges to self harm. So that is when I called the after hours crisis line I am able to call when I am in a crisis. As I talked with the woman on the other end who knows me well, we discussed ways to keep myself safe till I see my therapist later this morning. So, yes, I can keep myself safe till I talk with my therapist and come up with another safety plan with him during our appointment.

Another thing that is keeping me from self harm and dying by suicide is that I have a training I need to be at for work this evening. So, working is actually helping me with keeping myself safe from myself.

Thank you for reading my blog. It is very much appreciated. I am grateful for all of you because you read my blog. I hope everyone has an awesome day. Peace Out, World!!!

(SIDE NOTE: I will NOT attempt to die by suicide and I will NOT harm myself.)

Not So Random Thoughts

Good Morning, World!!! By now I am sure many of you especially those who live in the United States that a small airplane was stolen from SeaTac Airport. Sadly, it did crash and the person who stole the plane is suspected to be dead. The news is saying that this was a “suicide mission and not a terrorist attack.” The person who stole the plane was a grounds person for an airline at the airport. I am unable to comprehend how this was able to happen post 9/11. Another thing I am unable to comprehend is that if the man who did steal and crash the plane was suicidal why the media isn’t discussing more about mental health challenges and how it affects society as a whole. My heart goes out to the family of the individual.

On that note, I am switching the topic drastically. I am changing it to dental care. Specifically, my dental care. I think I have a tooth abscess.  I think it’s an abscess because I have had them in the past. If it doesn’t get better by this time tomorrow, I am taking myself to the emergency room to get it taken care of.  All I know is that I have a high pain tolerance and my tooth hurts like hell.

As many of you my regular followers, have noticed, I haven’t been blogging as much. I have no excuses on why I haven’t been blogging as much. The blogging community is a community, I am proud to be apart of. We are a tight nit community and I have seen very little drama within the blogging community. So to my followers, I thank you for allowing me to be apart of your community.

Thank you for reading. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

Depressed Yet Grateful

Good Morning, World!!! I woke up this morning depressed yet grateful to be alive. I’m grateful to be alive as I am realizing that I never would have thought when I was in my late teens and early twenties that I would live to be my current age of 39. I thought way back when that I would have been dead due to suicide.

Despite being depressed and unemployed, I am grateful for my life and the life I have lived thus far. Yes, I have made my fare share of mistake however they have helped shaped who I am today. I have decided to share with you my gratitude list for the day.

  • Life itself
  • My cat, Lil Gertie
  • My family
  • My friends
  • The blogging community
  • The mental health help I am getting
  • My therapist
  • My doctors
  • My apartment
  • My teddy bear
  • Being able to read
  • Music
  • Being able to play the flute and harmonica
  • Summer

That is my gratitude list for today. I hope it helps you find the little things in life to be grateful for. Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is extremely appreciated on my end that I have people that read my blog. Have a great day. Peace Out, World!!!

Let’s Get Fucking Real

Good Morning, World!!! Over all it has been a good morning. As good as this morning has been I am angry. This anger has lead me to write this post. I am fucking going to get real here.

I don’t fucking understand why that only time America discusses mental health and suicide is when a mass shooting happens or when a celebrity dies by suicide? Why in the fucking hell does the media wait to something tragic happens. The month of May is mental health awareness month and not one news station in my area discussed mental health unless there was a school shooting involved.

We as not just a country but the world need to discuss more about mental health and suicide. We need to lessen the stigma that goes with it yet nothing is being done. I share bits and pieces of me here on my blog. I have emailed my politicians and local news stations yet nobody appears to give a rats ass till something tragic happens.

So, here I am sitting at my laptop attempting to lessen the stigma of getting help with a mental health challenge and/or suicidal thoughts or actions. I want people around the world that you are not alone in this battle. It is not an easy feat to battle depression or anxiety or any other mental health condition or suicidal thoughts however if you seek out help from people it can and will get better. I’m not going to lie and say its always going to be peachy keen when you get help and get better but you will have the skills to help you when things to get bad again.

The National Suicide Hotline number here in America is 1-800-273-8255. I don’t know Suicide hotline number for other countries or I would be giving those out as well. Please if you are struggling with your mental health and/or suicide please reach out to someone.

Thank you for reading. Peace Out, World!!!