Update From My Previous Post

THIS IS AN UPDATE ABOUT HOW I AM DOING. I INFORMED YOU IN MY LAST POST THAT I WILL UPDATE YOU. I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT I WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE NOR WILL I HARM MYSELF. THIS POST IS JUST AN UPDATE ON HOW I WILL KEEP MYSELF SAFE TILL I SEE MY THERAPIST TOMORROW (TUESDAY, MARCH 26TH, 2019).

I hope everyone is having a good Monday. I still have not gotten any sleep. I didn’t go to the emergency room as I didn’t think I needed to do so. My therapist agreed with my self assessment when I talked to him on the phone. In fact he called me this morning as I was getting ready to go to the mental health agency I am client of to see if I could see him or the person on-call for the day. We discussed ways to keep myself safe today. So far the safety plan is working which is a good.

In fact he called me a second time today, just a few minutes ago. He wanted to check-in with me again to make sure things were going okay. I told him I still felt like harming myself as well as being suicidal. We made an agreement that I WILL NOT ACT ON ANY OF MY URGES TO DO HARM TO MYSELF. We came up with another safety plan and I plan on following it as I really want to attend my session with my therapist tomorrow (Tuesday, March 26th, 2019). My therapist said that we will discuss whether are not being in the hospital is what is best at the moment.

One of the things, I have been doing today is painting. I have created three paintings today. Well, I finished two of the three painting and started then finished the third painting. I am happy with the paintings I did today.

I have also been reading my book Yesternight by Cat Winters. I am really enjoying the book. It is a real page turner. Well, it is a page turner for me. It is one of those books that is difficult to put down once you start reading it.

During all this I have been listening to music. Music helps me a great deal. It helps soothe my soul and my mind. I have also been dancing in my apartment to the music. I am surprised that nobody has complained yet about how loud my music is.

I, of course have been giving my cat, Lil Gertie, a great deal of attention. She is loving the attention for the most part. There are some moments she is tolerating the attention. I think she knows that I am struggling at the moment. I love the fact that animals can pick up on how you are doing emotionally.

I don’t have much more to say. I want to thank you for reading my blog as it is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great Monday. I also hope everyone has a good work week. Peace Out, World!!!

SIDE NOTE: I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT I WILL NOT HARM MYSELF OR ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE. IF IT GETS TOO INTENSE I WILL TAKE MYSELF TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.

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The Struggle Is Real

Good Morning, World!!! I think my funk is now becoming a struggle. The struggle is becoming real. Real as the words you are reading on this post. I am not wanting to be in another struggle with intense mental health symptoms as I don’t know how much I will be able to handle. No I am NOT suicidal nor am I at risk of harming myself. I just fear that I could become suicidal which is something I will have to notify my therapist about.

Speaking of emailing my therapist, I think it is something I will need to do after I am done writing this post. The reason why I am thinking I am in need of emailing my therapist is because this is the third night in a row where I have not been able to sleep. Sadly, my sleep medicine wasn’t helpful tonight. Another thing I think my therapist is needing to know is that I haven’t showered since Wednesday (March 20th) which is not a good thing. I also think it would be a wise idea to inform him that my psychosis is starting to act up again. For me my psychosis includes hearing voices and when I am in an extreme depression I start seeing things. Thankfully, I am not seeing things and only hearing voices. Thankfully the voices are only at a whisper at the moment. I am nervous that if I inform my therapist of this that I could be put into the hospital but overall I am pretty in control of things at the moment with the exception of the dissociation. I really think emailing my therapist about everything I have mentioned will be a good thing as it is something he will need to know so he would know how to help me during our session. My therapist is pretty cool. I trust him. I really think he does understand most of what I experience with my mental health challenges.

Something I am doing in regards hearing whispering voices nobody else can hear is listening to music. Music helps drown out the voices and that is extremely helpful for me to deal with the voices. It is amazing how helpful and soothing music is for people who have mental health conditions. Hell, music even helps “normal” people. I love the fact music is quite helpful. If it wasn’t for music I wouldn’t have graduated high school and I really think it has been quite helpful in helping me not die by suicide. Just a reminder I am not a risk of attempting suicide or self harming. Music is one of things I think that speaks to everyone.

I do not have much more to say as I don’t want to end up repeating myself. Plus I am needing to email my therapist about the increase of my mental health symptoms. I hope everyone has a good Monday. I also hope that everyone has a good work week if you work a typical Monday thru Friday week. Peace Out, World!!!

A Full Monday, I Had

Hello, World!!! It is twelve midnight which means it is officially Tuesday in my corner of the world. I am wanting to share with you how my Monday went as it ended better than how it started which I am grateful for.

My Monday did not start off exactly how I had wanted. The building fire alarm went off at five o’clock in the morning startling everyone awake. So, I put Lil Gertie in her carrier and went down to the lobby. As I got to the lobby the fire department was arriving so I of course let the fire fighters in. The fire fighters did a sweep of the building to see where there could be a potential fire at and then attempted to reset the fire alarm. Unfortunately, they weren’t able to reset the fire alarm which meant they had to do another sweep of the building. Long story short they couldn’t reset the fire alarm to be able to turn it off. They couldn’t let anyone back to their apartments till someone from the apartment building management and/or maintenance showed up. Sadly, when the fire department called them at six nobody showed up until the building office opened up at eight o’clock in the morning. It really sucked for everybody especially all the cats in carriers because they were in them for three hours.

When we were finally able to get back to our apartments at eight o’clock in the morning, I let Lil Gertie out of her carrier and gave her wet food. She usually gets a can in the evening but she deserved to have an extra can today. After giving Lil Gertie some wet food I got ready for the day and then left to go to my appointment with my therapist.

Since I ended up arriving early to my appointment, I hang out in the day treatment area for about an hour. During my appointment with my therapist we discussed my birthday and turning forty. That led to my therapist asking some questions about my childhood. Questions that I am grateful he asked as he received some insight about how my childhood was. After I was sharing about some parts of my childhood he responded by “you sure did experience a great deal of trauma as a child.” In response to his comment I said, “Oh that was the easy shit I went through unless you count going to Disneyland.” He chuckled at my response as he knew I grew up near Disneyland. In face I found it cool that he chuckled as my response was suppose to be a little funny despite having a serious side to it. I am happy that my therapist got some insight of how my childhood was even though it wasn’t the most traumatic part of my childhood. Yes, it was traumatic but the the most severe trauma I was in.

After my appointment with my therapist, I attended art group. We did a self care tree. We drew and wrote in leaves what we did for self care which was a great reminder for everyone to do good self care and that it looks differently to people. I love art group so much. Art has a way of helping me express things I am unable to express.

After therapy and art group I got home and spent a couple of hours chilling with Lil Gertie, my cat. After a couple of hours I went downstairs to the community room to hang out with neighbors who I have become friends with. We had a potluck dinner. All the food was delicious. After dinner we then play a couple of games. We played Jenga, Phase 10, and Uno. We all had a great time spending about five hours together.

Now, I am back in my apartment writing this post and chilling out watching The Tonight Show. My cat, Lil Gertie is actually sleeping in her cat bed which means she wants me to go to bed. Hell, I am tired so I guess that is what I am going to do next.

I do not have much more to say. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Have a goodnight everyone. Don’t let the bedbugs bite. Peace Out, World!!!

A Blasé Type of Day

Hello, World!!! It has been a blasé type of day.  More or less it has been a boring ass day with appointments that got me in late or didn’t even happen or barely even happened. Lets start with the first appointment with the oral surgeon. I had an appointment with him today as he needed to check the roof of my mouth as it had reopened he needed to to stitch back up so this was just a follow up to that. Unfortunately, he was a no show due to family emergency. I then went to my appointment for my dentures. He was running behind with his appointments which is rare for him. I then went to the mental health agency I am a client of to hang out at the day treatment program before my appointment with my therapist. Ten minutes after I arrive my therapist calls me on my cell phone saying he would have to cancel our appointment due to overbooking. I informed him I was already there and he was able to fit me in for a forty minute session instead of an hour session but at least I had an appointment. I am thanking my lucky stars that I was there or I wouldn’t have had a session at all.

After my appointments, I decided come home. When I got home I played with my cat and had some snuggle time with her. Lil Gertie, my cat, has been quite helpful today as well in recent days. Hell, she has been quite helpful to me since day one. I don’t regret getting her at all as she has been a life saver for me especially in regards to my mental health.

After spending some quality time with my cat, I decided to take a nap. A nap that helped me feel more rested. I do think that nap I took will prevent me from sleeping well tonight which is not a good thing. As you know if you read my blog regularly, sleep does not come easily to me. So, I really hope I get some sleep tonight even though I don’t have anything going on tomorrow.

Before I finish this post, I would like to ask you a favor and remind you all of something. As you may have noticed, I have advertisements on my blog. The advertisements help me earn extra money. There is one thing to the advertisements and that is people must click on the advertisements for me to make money from them. I don’t make much money from the advertisements.  I only make up to four cents per ad but that is four cents I didn’t have before. The unfortunate part in all this is I can’t collect the money till I hit a $100 and I am at $90 so if you can so kindly click on the ads it would be greatly appreciated.

I don’t have much more to say. I want to thank you for reading blog as it is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope to blog again later tonight if I am unable to sleep. Have a wonderful rest of your Thursday. Again, thank you for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Bump In The Road

Good Afternoon, World!!! It hasn’t been the easiest of weeks for me emotionally. Having dealt with the one year anniversary of my grandma’s death just over a week ago is challenging enough but when other shit pops up makes it that much more challenging. Granted it is small shit but it is a bunch of small shit that has been building. Sadly, some of the small shit involves family. Specifically my mom and brother. I love them both but when I can’t get both side of the story, I can’t give the “advice” my mom wants me to give her. Anyway, there is other small shit that I won’t bring up but the mom and brother shit has been the most challenging as my mom won’t let up.

Anyway, when I saw my therapist for our scheduled appointment on Tuesday we discussed what was going on and he said “this doesn’t appear to be a crisis but just a bump in the road” and I have to agree with him. We discussed how the anniversary of my grandma’s death and all the small shit that has been building has increased my urges to self harm. We, of course discussed ways for me to keep myself from harming myself when the self harm urges get strong. Before my session with my therapist ended on Tuesday we made a “check-in appointment” for yesterday (Friday) to see how things were going. I of course went to the appointment and we did a check-in. We discussed plans for the weekend as well as ways to manage self harm urges. During my “check-in” session with my therapist, I brought up the fact that one of the things I would be doing was binge watching a Netflix show called The Umbrella Academy as I watched the first show on Thursday. I found out that he binged watched it with his wife and loved it. In fact one of the things my therapist is having me do this weekend when I watch Umbrella Academy is to write a paragraph or two on each show. I am not exactly sure why he is having me do this but I am thinking he seeing how some things can be beneficial  to me.

In fact last night (Friday) re-watched the first episode and did what my therapist wanted me to do. I also watched episodes two and three. I am really enjoying the show. In fact it is a show that is up my alley. The cool thing about it is when I watched the first episode on Thursday, I have discussed it with various people and I didn’t realize how popular it was. The best part of it being a popular show is that I didn’t start watching it because everyone was watching as I didn’t realize that most people I know were watching it as well.

One of the things I have been doing this weekend thus far is some art. In fact I am working on a piece of art work for a friend of mine as a birthday present. His birthday is the day after mine. I am painting him something as he is the one who got me into painting. It is not a big painting but a painting that I think he will enjoy and appreciate.

The other things I have been doing is a workbook called “The Artist Way.” In fact one of the things of the workbook is to journal everyday.  Journaling isn’t difficult but doing it everyday and it needing it to be three pages is challenging. In fact this is a workbook my therapist suggested for me to get and work on so I decided to do so. I have only been working on this workbook for a week and I find it challenging but I am also finding it helpful so far. In fact I plan to work on it some more today.

The one thing I have been doing this entire weekend except when I am watching Umbrella Academy and the news is listening to music. I have been mainly listening my Recovery Playlist but have also been listening to some emo music. Both have been quite helpful with reducing my self harm urges. Music is very soothing to the soul or at least it is for me.

I don’t have much more to say in the post. But before I end the post I want reassure everyone that I am not a risk to do any self harm acts. I am also not at risk to attempt suicide. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. Have a great weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

The Urges To Self Harm & The Skills That Are Helping

Good Evening, World!!! I am having yet another tough moment with dealing with the one year anniversary of my grandma’s death yesterday (Thursday which was Valentines Day). My therapist and I had an hour and a half session today. I cried a bunch. We also discussed on ways I could keep myself safe for today and the rest of the weekend. We came up with the usual stuff of doing art, journaling, reading, spending time with my cat, blogging and actually starting on the workbook I have discussed in previous post. The workbook is called “The Artist Way.”  I have started reading the introduction and other such things like how to use the work book. I hope to officially start it tomorrow (Saturday) or Sunday.

Of course my therapist and I discussed what books I plan on reading and he agreed that the books I have chosen to read most likely won’t be triggering for me as they are Science Fiction and Fantasy books. He thinks that reading books will be helpful for me to get out of my head even for a moment or two. He also agrees the both blogging and journaling will be helpful for me to process the grief and depression I am dealing with in regards to my grandmas passing away and help me with other shit I am dealing with. Art of course is that skill set for me to do so I have a better way to process my emotions in ways words can not help me express. Lets not forget the affection and love my cat gives me on the daily basis even if she wakes me up at four in the morning to play or wanting food.

The workbooks and the letter to my grandma is the two things my therapist really wants me to focus on this weekend as our next session is on Tuesday. My therapist is challenging me in a good and difficult way he knows I am capable of doing at the moment. He wants to see me to continue to improve with my recovery. He is very recovery related which is a good thing in a therapist.

I do not have very much more to say in this post. I hope everyone has an awesome Friday evening and a good weekend.  I want to thank you all for reading my blog as it is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Again, thank you fro reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Update On 2019 Goals

Good Afternoon, World!!! I hope everyone is having a good Thursday so far. I have been thinking a great deal about my 2019 goals especially since the major goal I had for this year has already been completed and it only the last day of January. That goal was to get my dental work done and the only thing that is left is going into seeing the denurist once a moth for six to twelve months for some adjustments to my dentures. Yes, I still of some things left to do regarding my teeth but the major part of it has been accomplished. So, since I have accomplished my major goal for the year, I need to focus on my other goals. I discussed this with my therapist when I saw him this past Tuesday and he suggested that the goal I could put most of my focus on without forgetting about the other goals is completing at least one of my workbooks.

I agreed with the workbook idea. I informed him that I don’t know what workbook to work on as some of them I have already started and haven’t even finished the second chapter. He asked if I ever bought the workbook “The Artist’s Way” and I informed him I did. He suggested I do “The Artist Way” workbook as it will pull out my creative side and be challenging in a good way. He suggest this workbook several months ago as he thought it would be good for me to do and he wouldn’t be recommending the workbook to me if he didn’t complete it himself. To me that is what I like to hear when someone suggest a workbook that they have completed it. When he brought up again in our session this past Tuesday, I informed him that it was a good idea that I do this particular workbook especially since it will involve art and journaling. Both of which is quite helpful to me and my recovery. So I am looking forward to what this workbook has to bring especially since it involves both art and journaling. So, focusing on this workbook is going to be the next major goal I focus on to accomplish for 2019 and I will not neglect my other smaller goals as I have set time aside for all of my goals.

I don’t have much more to say and hope to continue to update you on my 2019 goals as I continue to accomplish them. Have a great day. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Again, have a great day. Peace Out, World!!!