No Matter How Difficult; Honesty Is Best

Good Evening, World!!! It has been a long and difficult day for me. I started out the day with seeing my case manager. We had some not so good moments that we ended up working out which is huge progress on my end.

I then went to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) Group. Group grew from four individuals to ten people. Lets see how many stick around this time. We of course have homework and I am okay with that. The homework will be quite helpful for me as it will give me the structure I so desperately need.

After group I saw Gilbert. It was a tough session however it was toward the end of the session that was the most difficult. I was honest with him about something I hadn’t been honest with anybody else about. Something that desperately needed to be told and I might share at a later date when I process it more with Gilbert.

Thank you so much for reading. It is much appreciated. Peace Out, World!!!

PTSD Can Phucking Go To Hell

Good Evening, World!!! My PTSD is acting up because of the assault that happened last night. I was able to talk to Gilbert earlier about what happened and we came up with a safety as a preventative measure. A preventative measure as just in case I get self harm urges at some point today.

One of the things we came up with was music. I can play my flute or harmonica if it’s before ten o’clock at night. I can also listen to music. As I mentioned before when words fail music speaks and I find this to be true.

Another thing I can do is art. Art has become a very helpful (and healthy) skill to have for me. Art is a way for me to express my emotions in a positive way.

The last thing we came up with was reading as it helps me get out of my head. Gilbert and I discussed reading my book as well as Wonder Woman comic books. We discussed superhero’s and how they relate to recovery.

Thank you for reading. It is appreciated. Peace Out, World!!

The Day After

Hello, World!!! The last twenty four hours have been quite difficult for my family and I. It has been difficult because of the death of my grandma, yesterday.

As difficult as yesterday was for me, I realized on how much support I have. Support I didn’t realize I had much less folks who actually read my blog. For instance, a shout out to my recovery coach for reading my blog to see how I am doing. Thanks!!! Another shout out to both my case manager and therapist who have been reading my blog on the semi-regular basis to “check-up” on me. Even a shout out to my friends who read my blog to see how I am doing when I haven’t check-in with them.

Having the unexpected folk read my blog is a blessing to me. It’s a blessing because to me it shows they care and concerned for how I am doing especially those who identify as people with lived experience. The power of peer support is amazing.

As amazing as peer support is, I am grateful for it as well as grateful for the professionals in my life. My therapist and case manager are putting back on “daily check-ins” as a preventive measure. A preventive measure to help keep me on the path I want to be on. A path of recovery and to get back to work.

Thank you for reading. Peace Out, World

Everyday Inspiration; Day 16: Mine Your Own Material

Good Evening, World!!! Todays, Finding Everyday Inspiration’s is to mine our own material. More or less its having us look at unfinished (and unpublished) drafts to use as todays post. I am more than will to finish a draft and post it as part of this assignment however I have a number of drafts in my “drafts folder” and am having trouble choosing which one to finish. So the idea I came up with is to write a brief paragraph (or two) about the subject matter of the majority drafts I have in my “drafts folder.”

The post I was working on last was about the Los Angeles Dodgers winning the National League pennant and going to the World Series. I being from Southern California am thrilled to see the Dodgers going to World Series. Now, maybe an L.A baseball will be taken seriously again. Last time any baseball team was taken seriously in L.A was when the Angels beat the Giants in the 2002 World Series. Hell, the Angels were the underdogs and shocked the hell out of everyone including their own fans. I am so looking forward to see who the Dodgers play against. I really hope its the Houston Astro’s for a multitude of reasons. One reason is because nobody likes the Yankees except for Yankee fans. Another reason is that I have an Aunt that lives in Houston, it I think it will be fan to have a little family rivalry going.  Weather the Dodgers play the Yankees or the Astro’s play against them, I really want the Dodgers to win the World Series.

Another post I have in my “draft folder” is about my session with my therapist on Wednesday. It was about how it went and how I felt and continue to feel after my session. I’ve been slowly working on it and hope to have it posted sometime over the weekend. It might be in my Weekly Check-in but I doubt it because of how much time I’ve already spent drafting the particular post. I really like my therapist. She is challenging me on a lot of things which is having me think. I’m still getting use to her therapy style but I’m okay with adjusting to it.

Something that was brought up in my session with my therapist was that of yet another blog post draft. That is my sleep or the lack there of. The post is about how the lack of sleep (insomnia) that I am experiencing is due to combination of the symptoms of my PTSD and Depression diagnosis. Right now there really isn’t anything I can do about my insomnia but the things I am already doing. So, yeah, sleep doesn’t appear to be my friend at the moment.

Now that I’m finished with my assignment and the interpretation of how it was post be done, I’m going get something to eat. I hope that everyone has a good weekend. Thank you again, for reading and Peace Out, World!!!

Everyday Inspiration; Day 8: Reinvent the Letter Format

Hello, World!!! Today’s assignment for Finding Everyday Inspiration, is to write your blog in a letter format. I’m having difficulty do this because it appears to me that the only people I can think of righting a letter or letters to, can and will bring up some major pain to me.

The first person I thought of righting a letter to as part of this assignment was the person who abused me as child. The person in this particular case would be my brothers dad. It brings up a great deal of pain and anger. Both emotion’s that I really don’t want to deal with at the moment.

The second person I thought of writing a letter to as a part of todays assignment was to Diana. The therapist that departed the agency I am client of unexpectedly due to a cancer diagnosis. This brings me much pain and grief as I was unable to say goodbye to her. A goodbye as in a final session however this was unable to happen because she needs to focus on getting better. I am unsure how she is doing or if she is even still alive. I’m still grieving over the loss of her as my therapist especially it was all of sudden and quite unexpected.

The third letter I thought about writing was to the two sets of twins I lost in two miscarriages. As expected that brought up a great deal of sadness and pain. Pain and sadness I really don’t want to acknowledge. As any parent or expectant parent will tell you is that the greatest pain a parent can endure is loosing a child. I can say this without a shadow of a doubt because I’ve endured a great deal of pain in my life due to various traumas and the greatest pain I’ve endured is loosing my children via miscarriage. Loosing a child is quite difficult.

In fact WordPress suggested to write a letter to someone about a joyous time. I attempted to do so when I started this post by writing a letter to Diana. Unfortunately, it was bringing up a great deal of grief and sadness for me as Diana has helped me with a great deal in my recovery.

It is my hope that maybe someday, I can do this assignment when it doesn’t seem so overwhelming for me at this moment in time. Sometimes it difficult to acknowledge to others when things can be hard and/or overwhelming for me. So thanks for being  understanding.

As, I end this blog post, I want to thanks you for reading. I appreciate you for your readership. I hope everyone has a great day. Peace Out, World!!!

Weekly Check-In

Good Evening, World!!! It’s that time of the week where I check-in with you, my reader. As some of you may know, this past week has been dragging on for me. As you may not know its been a week of high anxiety for me. Anxiety that is most likely due to the recent trauma I experienced.

Anxiety that was extremely high at times this week yet lessened by the things I did. One of the things I did throughout this week was art. I did a lot of art. The type of art I did this week was coloring and collaging. In fact I made an effort to do some art everyday this week as I missed attending Art Group on Monday. I really dislike when I miss any group and I feel like I need to figure out a way to attend Art Group every week or at least on a more regular basis. This is something to discuss with my therapist about.

Speaking of my therapist, I saw her this past week. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, I was full of anxiety in during my session with my therapist. Anxiety that was (and is) trauma related. In fact the trauma is what was being discussed or at least how the recent trauma is affecting my life. Therapy is never easy and am grateful to be able to be in it as it’s helped me become a better person. A person in recovery.

A person in recovery that is now not a hundred percent afraid to discuss sexuality. In fact I am now attending a Healthy Sexuality Group. My case manager is one of the co-facilitators of the group. As difficult as the topic of sexuality is for me because of my trauma history, I am glad I’m in place where I able to discuss it. Not just in group but with my partner and close friends.

Since we are on the topic of groups, I also attended Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) group. As usual attending DBT group was quite helpful. It was helpful as it normally is. Yes, practicing the skills are difficult yet most of them have become second nature to me. Fortunately yet unfortunately, I have extra homework to do for DBT group. I have extra homework regarding self-validation because of the difficulties I have with validating myself. My therapist is in agreement with this. I may not want to do the homework for DBT group and/or my therapist regarding the self-validation, I realize it’s going to be helpful for me in in the long run.

Another thing that will be helpful for me is something regarding my blog. That is to start getting back in the regular habit blogging. Getting back in the habit of blogging will help me get back the structure I desperately need at the moment. The other reason why I’m attempting to get back in the habit of blogging is to keep you the reader interested in following my blog. One way of getting back in habit of blogging is something I started this week. That thing is I started a course that WordPress puts on for free. The course I am taking is Finding Everyday Inspiration. In fact my last three post were part of the course I am taking.

Before I end this post, I want to update you on my friend who was a victim in the Las Vegas shooting. They are still in critical condition but slowly improving. They are now breathing on their on. Something that myself and many others are thrilled about.

As, I end this post I want to thank you for reading my blog. I hope you all have a wonderful evening and a good rest of your weekend. Peace Out!!!


Ramblings About Therapy & Other Things

Hello, World!!! As I sit here on my couch with my laptop on my lap I can’t help but think how this week is dragging on. I’m not sure why this week seems so slow but it does.

Despite it being a slow week, thus far, I still went to my appointment to see my therapist. Todays session was not an easy one as we discussed what happened to me two weeks ago. I was noticeably “high anxiety” according to my therapist which is something I can’t deny or argue with her over. We discussed a little about what happened. We mainly talked about how it’s effecting my life at the moment. My therapist saw me react to a flashback for the first time even though I’m 99.5% sure she was (and is) unaware of it. I’m not sure what she was thinking because I’m unable to read minds however I’m sure she thought I was reacting to something by showing some anger by punching the pillow. She noticed me with my slight “anger” with hitting the pillow and she stated “Let’s take three deep breaths” which we both did. The thing that shocks me is I didn’t react the way I typically do when someone says “deep breath(e).” Yes, I did have a flashback and body memory however I just flowed with the flow. Taking nice good breaths helped a great deal. We continued with the rest of our session. We ended the session with me not holding the pillow and my therapist having me take “a few deep breaths.” Yes, this triggered me however, once again, I went with the flow.

I owe me not reacting to my therapist telling me to “take a deep breath” to the Calm app and it’s meditation. The lady that does the meditation practice’s I’ve done thus far says “take a deep breath.”  I feel this has been a type of exposure therapy for me. It’s something, I think I need to bring this up to my therapist as it’s a big deal for me and my recovery.

Now that we are on the topic of this particular app. I used it on my way home from therapy to help me get in a better head space. It helped a lot more than I thought it would. I am grateful to the person who informed me about the Calm app.

On that note, I’ll end this post for now. I realize that I need to attempt to eat something even if nothing sounds appetizing. I hope everyone has good rest of the evening. Peace Out!!!