Making Life Decisions in a Crisis

The last few months have been a struggle for me. A struggle that has been more or less a constant crisis for me. Being in a constant crisis and not being able to  bounce back like I have been able to do in recent years.

Not being able to bounce back as quickly as I have been able to do as in recent years got me to thinking about my recovery. I realized as I was thinking that not being able to focus on my recovery due to working fulltime under a supervisor who would not allow me to take time off for appointments with my treatment team that I needed to make a huge life decision. A decision that was not easy for me to make but I needed make it as I need to focus on my recovery. That decision was to resign from my position as a Peer Specialist.

I put in my notice on Valentines Day and my supervisor wasn’t exactly the happiest of people at the moment. He didn’t want to go through the hiring process again which I wouldn’t want to do either however I feel like my recovery is more important than sticking at a job that was hindering my recovery. Yes, I love my job with a passion and really don’t want to quit but I realize that I am doing a disservice to the clients I serve if I am in a constant crisis and not focusing on my own recovery. One of my primary job duties is to be in recovery and well its a little wobbly at the moment I need to do what is best for both the clients I serve and myself and focus on my recovery. So, my last day at a job I love with a passion with be on March 24, 2017.

I know resigning from my job is the best decision for me at the moment. I can’t help others if I’m not able to help myself. As difficult as this decision was for me, I am at peace with my decision. In all honesty I can’t help but see the dialectics in my decision of resigning from my job. I think its because of both the dialectics and mindfulness is why I am at peace with my decision of quitting a job I love with a passion. My recovery is way too important.

I appreciate you all for reading. I hope to continue to share with you my journey of recovery with a mental health condition. I hope to continue to be an example of what recovery looks like. Thank you all again for reading. Have a wonderful weekend. Peace Out!!!

Weekly Check-In

Good Afternoon, World!!! It’s been a couple of weeks since I last blogged. I know, I have said, this before, I want to blog more regularly. I enjoy blogging.

Enough about me talking about blogging and on to my weekly check-in. Let’s start with earlier this week. I was struggling with fleeting suicidal thoughts with no plans. It’s also commonly known in the mental health field as “passive suicide ideation.” Before I continue, I want to make myself clear, I am NOT currently suicidal and I did NOT harm myself in any way. I was able to use my good ole Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skills as well as using my support system. It is always nice to have people to depend on especially since that wasn’t always the case for me. It is a wee bit concerning both my support system and myself that I had fleeting suicidal thoughts however everyone agrees that I am not letting it get me down because I am choosing to pick myself up and dusting myself off.  I’ve been able to do this for the fact of being in a relatively decent place. I owe being in a decent place to me working fulltime.

Speaking of work, lets talk about my high light of the week. Yesterday (Friday, 8/26/2016), was our recovery celebration for clients at work. Seeing clients facial expressions as they received their certificates and hearing the speeches of those who chose to speak was not only rewarding but humbling. Witnessing the progress of the clients I am able to serve has been an absolute honor for me to watch.

As, I finish  the post, I want to sum up the week with its been recovery focused. As always, thank you for reading. Its much appreciated from my end. Peace out, everyone!!

Thrown to the Wolves but Not Eaten by Them

Good Evening!! It’s been a month today since I started my new position as a peer specialist at work and I am still loving it. It’s been quite a month for a number of reasons.

When my supervisor informed me that he was throwing me to the wolves he thought it was only for my first week and not for my first month and beyond. A colleague  went on an  unexpected leave. A leave my supervisor was shocked as hell about and went to bat for him so he would be able to return to work. Thankfully, this colleague came back yesterday (Wednesday) and felt bad for leaving myself and my other colleague out of loop and out for so long. We may not know exactly why he was out but we understand more than others because of being Peer Specialist.

I am loving  my new position. It is quite challenging at times. Then there are times where it is fun and full of laughter. For instance today, I was called a butt loud names by client who is not doing so well and on the other end of the spectrum, I was able to joke and laugh with another client. I am learning to take things in stride as they come my way, weather is insults or laughter.

My new position can be stressful at times which leads me to the training I was able to attend called Mindfulness as Self-Care which was held by the crisis clinic. I was able to attend because of being a Warm Line call taker and the Warm Line is under the umbrella of the Crisis Clinic.

The training obviously was on Mindfulness as Self-Care. It was geared toward those of us who work in the mental health  field. It focused on mindfulness skills. Part of the training also gave some back history as well. Some of the history included the focus of how various religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism focus on mindfulness and how it is a major skill taught in Dialectal Behavior Therapy (DBT).  The training gave me some new ways to be mindful and more tools to add to my toolbox.

I am looking forward till tomorrow. Tomorrow in my three year anniversary with Junior. It’s difficult to wrap my mind around that Junior and I have been together for three years.  After I get off work tomorrow, we are going to go on a romantic get away for the weekend. It is a much needed get away for the both of us.

Well, I need to get going. I hope to blog again at some point this weekend. I am tired and think it is time for me to go to bed. Have a good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite.

“Throwing You To The Wolves”

Happy Saturday. As, I told you in my last post on Sunday, I had gotten the job as a Peer Specialist and that I was turning in my resignation letter. Well, I did turned in my resignation letter on Monday stating my last day as a Consumer Aide would be on March 22, 2016 or so I thought.

When I went on my lunch break on Monday, I had no idea that my supervisor and new supervisor had been talking most of the morning. As I got back from lunch I noticed that my new supervisor had shown up. My supervisor and new supervisor said that they needed to speak to me. I of course was thinking the worst. Boy was I wrong with my thinking the worst. I was informed by both supervisors that I would be starting March 21st and not March 28th like expected. My new supervisor basically informed that he and the main Peer Specialist in charge will be out of state at a conference and that they will be short staffed even with me being present. He then told me “I will be throwing you to the wolves and know you will be able to handle it.”  My supervisor apparently saw that I was surprised and she told “I know this is happening quite fast and everyone agrees that you are ready. You’ve been ready for quite some time. You know you’re overqualified for the Consumer Aide position. You will be greatly missed here because you are a value to the team here and I know you will be of value at the drop-in.” I took a nice good breath and said, “Yes, it is quite fast but I will do what is needed.” With that the meeting ended and I went back to work.

As much as I am thrilled that I am starting a week earlier than expected, I was concerned how my client take me leaving so soon. Surprisingly enough all of them were fine with it and happy that I got the promotion. I was fearful that with me leaving so quickly that it would cause my clients to have anxiety.

Apparently, it is causing me more anxiety starting so soon than it is to my clients with me leaving so quickly. I am dealing with anxiety with the skills I have learned throughout the years. Most of them being Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills. If it wasn’t for my recovery I wouldn’t be having the anxiety over the promotion. I am happy to have the skills I have learned throughout my years of recovery.

Well, I need end this post for the moment. I have a busy Saturday ahead of me. Have a wonderful weekend.  Peace out!!!

New Job & The Anxiety Of The Unknown

Good Evening, everyone!! Its been a couple of weeks since I last blogged. A great deal has happened in the last two weeks.

As I mentioned in my last two post I had an interview for a full time job as a Peer Specialist position at my current employer. I ended up having a second interview this past Wednesday (March 9th). The second interview went better than the first interview despite having more interviewers than the first one.

Apparently, both interviews went so well that I was offered the job this past Friday (March 11th). I of course accepted the position. In fact I am surprised as hell that I got the job in less than three weeks since today marks three weeks since I applied for the job.

I have a great deal of anxiety when it comes to this job. I will be working full time verses part time. I have been in the work force for nearly eleven years now but I have only worked part time the entire time. I also know that I will loose what little disability benefits I am still able to get. This makes me anxious because I fear the possibility of my mental illness acting up. I am also anxious about loosing the mental health services I get at the agency I seek treatment at. I finally have a therapist that I work well with and have had her for seven and a half years now. I know I’m anxious and fearful of the what is unknown at the moment because I need to seek clarification from my new supervisor as well as my therapist. I will be able to email and possibly talk with my new supervisor tomorrow and I see my therapist on Wednesday. Its just a matter of getting my questions answered from my new supervisor. One of those questions is when my first day will be. I’m not sure if it will be the 23rd or the 28th.

I may be anxious of the unknown but I know my therapist will make sure I will be able to seek service’s somewhere because she is just as invested in my recovery process as I am. If it wasn’t for the work Diana (my therapist) and I have done with my recovery I wouldn’t have been able to get my current position as a Consumer Aide much less my new position as a Peer Specialist. Who knew with all the work I’ve done in my recovery with Diana’s help that I would be able to work full time. I know Diana will make sure I will still be able to continue getting the help I need to be able to stay in recovery.

My recovery means the world to me. If it wasn’t for me being in recovery I wouldn’t have been able to get the job as a Peer Specialist with my current employer. I am looking forward to being able to work full time even with the anxiety that goes along with it. Recovery is possible. It looks differently for everyone but this is what my recovery looks like.

Sadly, I will be turning in my resignation letter to my current supervisor tomorrow. I will miss working with the clients I currently work with but know that I will see them from time to time since I will be still employed at the same agency I am working at now. In fact my new position as Peer Specialist is a promotion from my current position as a Consumer Aide.

I should call it an evening. I need to fix some dinner for myself and Junior. Junior is quite proud of me. I think I might even be proud of myself. Well, have a great Sunday evening everyone. I hope to keep you updated as time goes on. I also know that the anxiety will go down as will. Again, have a wonderful Sunday evening and Peace Out!!

 

Weekly Goals

It has bee quite some time since I last did weekly goals. I have  missed doing them. The weekly goals gives me something to shoot for, for the week. I am going to just start anew with my weekly goals.

Lets start with the more difficult stuff:

1)  Work on a self-help workbook; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, PhD., Jeffery C. Wood, PSY.D., and Jeffrey Brantley, MD. I thought I would be finished with this workbook by now however I will start it back up. It will also give me the structure I need on days I don’t have much or any structure at all.

2) See my therapist. I see my therapist on Wednesday (2/3/2016). Therapy is always difficult.

Now on to blogging stuff:

3) Start Writing 201: Finding Your Story. I love taking the courses WordPress puts on. It gives me a sense of structure on days I don’t have much or any structure at all.

4) Start my Friday Feature back up this Friday (2/5/2016).

Now on to fun stuff :

5) Work on jigsaw puzzle. Junior and I started a 2,000 piece holiday puzzle we got for Christmas.

6)  Color. I color various coloring pages and posters at a time. I am focusing on one in particular at the moment.

7) Walk up ten(10) flights of stairs twice everyday. Yes, I still have my apartment even though I spend the majority of time over at Juniors place. The apartment building I live in is ten(10) stories and I am practicing to do the next Big Climb which is in January of 2017. It is a fundraiser where people climb up 50+ flights of stairs. It might not sound fun at the moment but am looking forward to it.

I am happy to be getting back into the swing of things. I am thankful to be apart of this blogging event over at: http://greenembe.rs/category/building-rome-2/. Happy Monday and have a wonderful work week! Peace Out!

Goals for 2016

Happy New Years!!!! It’s that time of year where everyone makes New Years resolutions that many people wont accomplish. I don’t make New Years resolutions because I never was able to accomplish. I do make New Years goals and I have found that I do accomplish or come close to accomplishing by the end of the year. Below is the list of my goals for the coming year. I realize that some of my goals are partially dependent on other people  but that doesn’t mean I cant at least try to attain the goal.

1)  Get my tattoo touch up. (I actually accomplished this goal yesterday 1/1/2016 at 12noon.)

2)  Add to my tattoo. I currently have a semicolon tattoo and I want to add to it. I want to get the semicolon trinity and eventually the semicolon Sol Invictus. However right now its just the trinity I am aiming for.

3)  Read 12 books. It was my goal to do this last year but it didn’t happen. I did read 10 books last year. (Comic books don’t count)

4)  Drink less soda. I currently drink a liter of soda a day. My goal is to be down to one 20oz soda a week by the end of the year. Right now I am starting off with one 20oz  soda a day and hope to go down from there. So far so good but of course its only the second day of the year.

5)  Get my flute fixed. I can still play my flute however it desperately needs repaired. Plus, I want to get lessens.

6)  Take flute lessons. I love playing the flute. I am not very good at it but it helps me a great deal.

7)  Train to do the Big Climb in my area to support The American Lung Association. I am planning on doing the Big Climb in 2017 but I am starting the training now. (Actually, I started yesterday.)

8)  Learn how to drive (legally). Basically get my drivers license. This will come in handy for me both in my personal life and my professional life. Professionally many places require a drivers license.

9)  Get a job as a peer support specialist (peer counselor). This is one of those goals that is partially up to someone else  however if I do my part with applying for peer specialist jobs then I’ve accomplished what I have intended to do and that is to get my name out there.

10) Get back into blogging more regularly. Due to my mental illness rearing its ugly head I haven’t blogged much. I realize that blogging helps to me in many ways. One of those ways is that it gives me structure on days that I don’t have much to do.

11) Continue being engaged with my recovery no matter how difficult it may be at times. This means going to my appointments with my therapist and psychiatric nurse practitioner (ARNP). It also means doing “homework” my therapist wants me to do. It also means being open to suggestions my therapist has for me.

As you can tell I have a lot of goals this year. In fact one of my goals has already been accomplished. So one goal down and ten more to go. I hope that at the end of year I can tell you that I have accomplished each one of my goals. Have a wonderful day and have a very Happy New Years.

 

Weekly Goals

Happy Monday!!! Its a start of another work week and we all know what that means; time for me to do another set of weekly goals. So I will say how I did with last weeks goals.

1)  Read Speaker of the Dead by Orson Scott Card. I was able to spend about an hour in one sitting this week to read which is a rare occurrence. I was able to read twice for an hour so I am a happy camper.

2)  Work on jigsaw puzzle. Spent about fifteen minutes a day doing the puzzle. It is taking some time to do.

3)  Color. Did some coloring but not much.

4)  Finish Writing 201: Poetry. I finished the course and hope that you all enjoyed my poems.

5)  Work on a self-help workbook; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, PhD., Jeffery C. Wood, PSY.D., and Jeffrey Brantley, MD. Yup I worked on an entire chapter.

Now on to this weeks goals.

1)  Read Speaker of the Dead by Orson Scott Card. I will finish this book eventually.

2)  Work on jigsaw puzzle. The jigsaw puzzle is getting done slowly but surely.

3)  Color. Looks like I could be finishing up one coloring page here in the next week or two.

4)  Work on a self-help workbook; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, PhD., Jeffery C. Wood, PSY.D., and Jeffrey Brantley, MD. I’m hoping to get another chapter done this week.

5) See my therapist. I see my therapist on Wednesday. We will most likely be discussing ways to cope with getting my yearly done.

6)  Go to my doctor’s appointment. I have my annual female exam on Thursday. I have a difficult time with these particular appointments because of all the trauma I have been through.

Well, those are my weekly goals for this week. Please don’t hesitate to take a look at the blogging event over at: http://greenembe.rs/2015/10/19/building-rome-week-42-for-2015/ Have a wonderful week. Peace Out!!!

Self-Injury, Self-harm, Cutting & Other Such Info

I realize it is Saturday and that I forgot to do my Friday Feature on educating you all. I apologize for it being late. I have decided to get the info from Mental Health America at: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/self-injury  I have decided to do cutting and other self harm.

Self-injury

What is it?

  • Self-injury, also known as cutting or self-mutilation, occurs when someone intentionally and repeatedly harms herself/himself. The method most often used is cutting but other common behaviors include burning, punching, and drinking something harmful, like bleach or detergent.

Who does it?

  • It’s estimated that about two million people in the U.S. injure themselves in some way.  The majority are teenagers or young adults with young women outnumbering young men. They are of all races and backgrounds.

Why?

  • Often, people say they hurt themselves to express emotional pain or feelings they can’t put into words.
  • It can be a way to have control over your body when you can’t control anything else in your life. A lot of people who cut themselves also have an eating disorder.
  • Although they usually aren’t trying to kill themselves, sometimes they’re unable to control the injury and die accidentally.

How can I help a friend with this?

  • Ask about it. If your friend is hurting herself, she may be glad to have you bring it up so she can talk about it.  If she’s not injuring herself, she’s not going to start just because you said something about it.
  • Offer options but don’t tell him what he has to do or should do.  If he is using self-injury as a way to have some control, it won’t help if you try to take control of the situation.  Helping your friend see ways to get help – like talking to a parent, teacher, school counselor or mental health professional- may be the best thing you can do for him.
  • Seek support.  Knowing a friend is hurting herself this way can be frightening and stressful. Consider telling a teacher or other trusted adult. This person could help your friend get the help she needs. You may feel that you don’t have the right to tell anyone else.  But remember, you can still talk to a mental health professional about how the situation is affecting you, or you can get more information and advice from any number of organizations.
  • Remember you’re not responsible for ending the self-abuse.  You can’t make your friend stop hurting himself or get help from a professional. The only sure thing you can do is keep being a good friend.

How can I help myself?

  • Know that help is available.  Treatment is available for people who injure themselves. To learn about it, try talking to a professional person around you, someone like your school counselor.  If you’re not comfortable with that, think about contacting your local mental health association or checking out the S.A.F.E Alternatives website.
  • Know you are not alone.  Because so many people are self-injurers, it’s likely that there are people around who can understand and can help.
  • Know you can get better.  This is a difficult time in your life.  However, with help, you can get to the point where you don’t hurt yourself anymore.
  • Get help. Now is the best time to get help with this problem. If you wait, the problem will only get bigger and soon everyone will know about it.  But if you find a way to meet it head on today, you’ll be free of it and free to get on with your life. Free! A good way to be.
  • Your school’s counseling center

Warning Signs

Self-Injury is also termed self-mutilation, self-harm or self-abuse. The behavior is defined as the deliberate, repetitive, impulsive, non-lethal harming of one’s self. Self-injury includes: 1) cutting, 2) scratching, 3) picking scabs or interfering with wound healing, 4) burning, 5) punching self or objects, 6) infecting oneself, 7) inserting objects in body openings, 8) bruising or breaking bones, 9) some forms of hair-pulling, as well as other various forms of bodily harm. These behaviors, which pose serious risks, may by symptoms of a mental health problem that can be treated.

  • Warning Signs. Warning signs that someone is injuring themselves include: unexplained frequent injury including cuts and burns, wearing long pants and sleeves in warm weather, low self-esteem, difficulty handling feelings, relationship problems, and poor functioning at work, school or home.
  • Incidence & onset. Experts estimate the incidence of habitual self-injurers is nearly 1% of the population, with a higher proportion of females than males. The typical onset of self-harming acts is at puberty. The behaviors often last 5-10 years but can persist much longer without appropriate treatment.
  • Background of self-injurers. Though not exclusively, the person seeking treatment is usually from a middle to upper class background, of average to high intelligence, and has low self-esteem. Nearly 50% report physical and/or sexual abuse during his or her childhood. Many report (as high as 90%), that they were discouraged from expressing emotions, particularly anger and sadness.
  • Behavior patterns. Many who self-harm use multiple methods. Cutting arms or legs is the most common practice. Self-injurers may attempt to conceal the resultant scarring with clothing, and if discovered, often make excuses as to how an injury happened.
  • Reasons for behaviors. Self-injurers commonly report they feel empty inside, over or under stimulated, unable to express their feelings, lonely, not understood by others and fearful of intimate relationships and adult responsibilities. Self-injury is their way to cope with or relieve painful or hard-to-express feelings, and is generally not a suicide attempt. But relief is temporary, and a self-destructive cycle often develops without proper treatment.
  • Dangers. Self-injurers often become desperate about their lack of self-control and the addictive-like nature of their acts, which may lead them to true suicide attempts. The self-injury behaviors may also cause more harm than intended, which could result in medical complications or death. Eating disorders and alcohol or substance abuse intensify the threats to the individual’s overall health and quality of life.
  • Diagnoses. The diagnosis for someone who self-injures can only be determined by a licensed psychiatric professional. Self-harm behavior can be a symptom of several psychiatric illnesses: personality disorders (esp. borderline personality disorder); bipolar disorder (manic depression); major depression; anxiety disorders (esp. obsessive-compulsive disorder); as well as psychoses such as schizophrenia.
  • Evaluation. If someone displays the signs and symptoms of self-injury, a mental health professional with self-injury expertise should be consulted. An evaluation or assessment is the first step, followed by a recommended course of treatment to prevent the self-destructive cycle from continuing.
  • Treatment. Self-injury treatment options include outpatient therapy, partial (6-12 hours a day) and inpatient hospitalization. When the behaviors interfere with daily living, such as employment and relationships, and are health or life-threatening, a specialized self-injury hospital program with an experienced staff is recommended.

The effective treatment of self-injury is most often a combination of medication, cognitive/behavioral therapy, and interpersonal therapy, supplemented by other treatment services as needed. Medication is often useful in the management of depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and the racing thoughts that may accompany self-injury. Cognitive/behavioral therapy helps individuals understand and manage their destructive thoughts and behaviors. Contracts, journals, and behavior logs are useful tools for regaining self-control. Interpersonal therapy assists individuals in gaining insight and skills for the development and maintenance of relationships. Services for eating disorders, alcohol/substance abuse, trauma abuse, and family therapy should be readily available and integrated into treatment, depending on individual needs.

In addition to the above, successful courses of treatment are marked by 1) patients who are actively involved in and committed to their treatment, 2) aftercare plans with support for the patient’s new self-management skills and behaviors, and 3) collaboration with referring and other involved professionals.

I’m sorry for it being so long. Thank you for reading. Have a wonderful weekend and Peace Out!!!

Weekly Goals

Happy Monday!!! It is that time of week where many of us around the world start another work week. A work week that I am looking forward to. It is nice to have a job to love to go to. As many of you know it is Monday and that means it is time for my weekly goals. Like always I will tell you how I did with last weeks goals.

1)  Read Speaker of the Dead by Orson Scott Card. I actually had the time to read two chapters at once. Unfortunately, that is all I was able to read all this week.

2)  Work on jigsaw puzzle. Worked on the puzzle for about an hour.

3)  Color. Yup, I did color. I love to color.

4)  Start Writing 201: Poetry. Yup, started the course and am loving it.

5)  Work on a self-help workbook; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, PhD., Jeffery C. Wood, PSY.D., and Jeffrey Brantley, MD. I only worked on a few pages but it was a tough few pages.

6)  See my therapist on Wednesday. I saw my therapist. It was a tough session.

I managed to accomplish all my goals this week and am proud of myself for doing so. Here are my next week goals.

1)  Read Speaker of the Dead by Orson Scott Card. I will finish this book eventually.

2)  Work on jigsaw puzzle. The jigsaw puzzle is getting done slowly but surely.

3)  Color. The various coloring pages or posters I am working on are finally showing some progress.

4)  Finish Writing 201: Poetry. This is the last week of Writing 201: Poetry. I am really enjoying the course.

5)  Work on a self-help workbook; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, PhD., Jeffery C. Wood, PSY.D., and Jeffrey Brantley, MD.  I am grateful that I am refreshing my skills.

I know I have a short list this week and I am okay with that. I am grateful to be apart the blogging even over at : http://greenembe.rs/2015/10/12/building-rome-week-41-for-2015/  Have a wonderful week. Peace Out!!