No Excuse For Not Blogging

Good Evening, World!!! It has been a few weeks since I last posted. I have no excuses. I have had plenty of time to post especially since I have not been called into work since Christmas week which I didn’t work at all in December either except for a stupid staff meeting. I do have to say the last few days I have been in a depressive state to where I have been sleeping a great deal. Now, I am a little worried that I won’t be able to get any sleep for a few days.

Let me catch you up on what has been going on with me the last few weeks besides not getting called into work and sleeping a lot the last few days due to being in a depressive state. So, my therapist and one of his colleagues came by my apartment to check on the cleanliness of it and both of them were “impressed” by my apartment. They however weren’t surprised on my music selection as when they showed up, I was playing Sleater-Kinney. My therapist did notice I have some things that I need to throw away and have come up with a plan to get rid of the stuff I don’t need and he suggested by getting rid of the access stuff while listening to music.

Another thing that has been happening is that I have been preparing myself for some dentures. I am getting oral surgery done this Wednesday and will be getting dentures. Yes, I realize that being less than two months away from being forty years old and needing dentures is rare but considering that when I was young I was a hard core anorexic and bulimic, I did a number on my teeth. Something I am not proud of and twenty years after I stopped the eating disorders I am paying for the consequences. Consequences I don’t like but at least it is my teeth that I am loosing due to the eating disorders I dealt with as a child, teenager and young adult instead of my life.

As stressful as the upcoming oral surgery is, I think the reason why the last few days I have been dealing with depression and sleeping too much is because my grandma would have been eighty-nine years old on the fourteenth of this month (January). So, I guess I was dealing with some grief.  Grief that I am still dealing with and will continue to deal with. My therapist and I have been discussing it in bits and pieces. Dealing with grief sucks shit.

I don’t have much more to post about at the moment. I just hope everyone has a good rest of their Sunday evening. I hope everyone has a good night. Peace Out, World!!!!

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Thinking About New Years Goals

Good Evening, World!!! It is the last Friday of the year and it is hard to believe that 2018 is pretty much over especially since it has been a pretty tough year for me. Yes, things have improved a great deal for me this year however I am grateful beyond my wildest dreams that it is ending better than it started. Anyway, since it is that time of year where many people start thinking about New Years resolutions, I start thinking about New Years goals. Yes, I realize they are the same thing however I tend to accomplish my goals and not the resolutions. Not sure why but I think it is all about the wording and people expect you to not follow through with resolutions but people do expect to follow through with goals.

As I think about what I want to accomplish during 2019 or at least start to accomplish, I am having a tough time figuring out what I want my goals to be. I want and need them to realistic. I know I want to accomplish goals in regards to both my physical and mental health. I also want to accomplish getting a job with a more consistent schedule, preferably in the social services field but at this moment in time I might be happy with going back to working at a grocery store even if that isn’t really what I want to do. One thing I do know what I want to do is put in an effort of doing meditation and/or mindfulness on the daily basis again. Anyway, goals are ever changing and can be tweaked from time to time.

I don’t think I have much more to say except that I will be thinking a great deal about my goals for 2019. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope that everyone has a great rest of your Friday. I also hope everyone has a great weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

Sunday Evening Randomness

Good Evening, World!!! It is Sunday evening and I don’t think I will have much to say in this post like I did in my last post. So, lets start with the work thing, I talked a great deal about in my last post. I ended up turning off my phone and took a nap. I really needed the nap as I didn’t get much sleep last night. Well, anyway, when I woke up from my nap I turned on my phone and sent the person who asked me to work for her a text as well as our boss. My boss texted me back saying it was no big deal and he understood that sometimes people activities required the phone to be turned off. But I didn’t receive a text back from the person asking for coverage which okay with me.

Well, tomorrow I am going to the person who does dentures to get a molding of my what little teeth I have left and they will refer me to a dentist that will pull my teeth out as the oral surgeon that was suppose to do it kept cancelling on me for various reason so the person who is going to do my dentures will refer me to someone who will pull my teeth. I am not looking forward to it but at least all I am getting tomorrow is the impressions of what little teeth I have left in my mouth.

I am still dealing with anxiety, depression and PTSD symptoms. Unfortunately, it appears the symptoms are starting to increase which isn’t a surprise to me but it is worrisome as I have been doing really well and improving greatly. I also know that the grief is setting in a little bit more as Christmas is in about nine days and it is the first holiday without my grandma. So with the increased in symptoms and the grief, I am striving to just maintain the next two to three months because of the holidays this month, my grandma’s birthday is next month in January and well my grandma passed away on Valentines Day which is February. So as much as I want to continue to improve and hope I do; all I can expect from myself is to be able to maintain how I am doing currently.

I do not have much else to say. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their Sunday or what is left of it. Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone’s work week goes well. Peace Out, World!!!

Sunday Randomness & Work Bullsh*t

Good Afternoon, World!!! It is a nice a lazy day with a bit of anxiety that I can deal with at the moment. I, of course of my typical anxiety that I deal with on the daily basis however I received a text from someone at work to see if I could work for her tonight. I always get right back to here saying whether or not I am able to work for her but I am not going to respond to her text for a two or three hours as it is her shifts I ended up covering. In fact all but one of the shifts I have covered were for her so I figure she can wait a few hours for me to respond. I am planing on informing her that I can not work for her tonight. I know I should tell her sooner than later but when I tell her my excuse, I want it to be more believable. I am not going to be lying to her as when I received her text I was busy at the time and have thing planned to do today but it is the type of plans that I can rearrange to go to work but my colleague doesn’t need to know that. I won’t be lying to her when I tell her, “sorry, I just saw your full text. I have been busy all day and am unable to work tonight.”  So, I’m not lying as I haven’t read her full text till I reply to her text. I am just frustrated that she is the one I have filled for every time except once. If I get into trouble for not responding to her text soon enough or covering shift then I will accept the consequences. Technically, on calls are suppose to cover at least one shift a month and I have had a handful of opportunities to do so this month but haven’t wanted to various reasons. Considering the other on call person hasn’t done a shift in months I don’t think I have anything to worry about in regards to getting fired but if I do get let go for that reason I will be disappointed but grateful at the same time. Don’t get me wrong I like my job for the most part. I just don’t like being on call and the irregular hours as it messes with my sleep. If I had a regular shift even if it is a night shift I would have a better sleep pattern.

So, since being on call for a night shift isn’t the right fit for me, I have been looking for other jobs. Even jobs I have had before and really didn’t like. I have considered going back to working at grocery store because at least they would be able to respect my accommodations I need for my disability. I am applying to various places and will only apply at a grocery store as last resort. I really want to become Peer Specialist again. I have been applying for various positions in the mental health field including administrative assistant and janitorial jobs at mental health agencies as once you have a foot in the door, you’re more likely to get hired within the agency.

It is the holiday season and Christmas is nine days away. I can’t help but think how difficult this Christmas is going to be for my family as it is the first holiday season without my grandma. Grief is hard no matter what but it seems more difficult the first year without the person who is gone. I hope all goes well over Christmas and that my family is able to handle it.

I just received another text from the colleague wanting me to cover her shift for her. So I turned off my phone. That way I can say that my phone was off and I didn’t receive her text or if she calls then it will go straight to voicemail. I know I should respond but I don’t want to come up with some lie. I just want to tell her that when she texted me I was unavailable and now that I read them I am unable to work.  Granted I have only read part of the text but not the full text as if I open the text then she will know it was delivered. I just don’t want to work tonight. I know I should just say I am unable to work but she is the type of person that will pressure you into working.

Now back to the grieving process of missing my grandma. I think that is part of the reason why I don’t want to work tonight. Plus, my depression and anxiety is acting up at the moment. Some of my anxiety is work related at the moment but the other part of my anxiety is PTSD related which sucks. It being winter and Christmas time my mental health symptoms tend to get worse due to past traumas, weather and shorter days. I really dislike grief, depression, anxiety and PTSD.

I think I will try to get some sleep since I didn’t sleep well last night. A nap will do me some good and then maybe I can come up with an excuse that is not a lie to my work colleague. I am turning off my phone as a precaution, just in case she or our supervisor attempts to call so it will go straight to voicemail. I informed my grandpa about it and his said “just lie saying you were taking care of me” but I don’t want to lie. I just want to say something like “I just got your text and was unavailable to respond and am unable to work tonight since I just saw the text. I am sorry for the short notice. I hope you understand” and hopefully she buys it. I did read some but not all of the message as I didn’t open the full text message so I am not exactly lying but it feel like a lie in a way even though I have been busy doing other things. An idea I have is to say I am unable to work tonight due to my disability acting up which is true or I have migraine which is also true. So when I do respond later I will most likely tell her that I’ve either been busy or been dealing with a migraine and won’t use the disability until I absolutely need to and using my disability in this case in not an absolute need to.

I think I really need to focus on making sure the symptoms of my depression, anxiety and PTSD don’t increase because I want today to continue to be another lazy Sunday. I love dealing with lazy Sundays and that is what I am gong to do despite the anxiety of not responding to colleague about working for her tonight. I will let it be a lazy Sunday and respond to her later. So here is to an enjoyable lazy Sunday despite others needs, increased mental health symptoms, grief and the expectations that Christmas brings.

Now, I am going to end this post so I can go take a nap. Thank for reading my blog. I hope you continue to read my blog and I will NOT lie to my colleague as I have been busy and have been dealing with a migraine. Not sure which truth I am going to tell her but I will text her later on. Again thank you for reading. Have a wonderful Sunday. Peace Out, World!!!

Fighting Off Depression & Feeling Horrible About Lying

Good Afternoon, World!!! I was asked if I could work tomorrow night and I said no due to having the flu. Yes, I know that was a lie but, I haven’t been feeling all that well and feel like I am coming down with a cold. In all honesty I don’t feel like working for the individual that wants me to work for them tomorrow because it always appears that I am working for that particular person. So, I told this person a lied saying I have the flu even though I don’t.

I really feel bad for lying to this individual about having the flu but since I feel like I am coming down with the cold and I see my doctor on Tuesday, I can get a doctors not as a precaution. I know lying is bad and it make me feel horrible about myself and it is something I rarely do. I just don’t want to work for this person as they always seem to be the one who needs someone to work for them.

On the plus side this whole ordeal is making me realize even more than usual that this job is not the best fit for me due to the fact that it is an on call position for a graveyard shift. If I had a more regular shift even for a graveyard shift I think I could do the job but since it is an on call position it is difficult for me due to sleep issues that I already have.

Because of this realization I am working on my resume and cover letter to apply to other jobs. Jobs that I will be interested in even if they are not Peer Specialist positions. Most anything with a study schedule in a field that is in the social service field I am cool with.

Even though I am working on job stuff, I have come to realize that my depression has increased a little bit today. Enough to where I don’t want to go to my volunteer job. Even though my depression is acting up I will be going to my volunteer job this evening. Getting out and doing something for others is always helpful for me even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.

I might be fighting off depression but at least I am attempting to not isolate by spending time with a friend before I go to my volunteer job as well as going to my volunteer job. My friend and I are going to go have a late lunch early dinner at our favorite restaurant, Red Robin. I love Red Robin. Eating at Red Robin with friends is always a good time and helps a good portion of the time.

I do not have much else to say in this post. I do feel really bad about lying to my colleague about having the flu so I don’t have to work tomorrow and hope that I am able to work through lying to them. Other than that I don’t have much else to say. I hope everyone has a good rest of their weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

 

Just a Bunch of Randomness

Good Evening, World!!! I hope everyone is having a good Thursday evening. I am spending the night at my grandpa’s. I am doing so, so I can spend some time with him. I will be going home tomorrow afternoon. Yes, that means my cat, Lil Gertie, is home by herself. I have a friend who happens to be one of my neighbors that will look on my cat tomorrow morning to make she is okay which I have no doubt the she will be. My friend understands the desire to spend time with my grandpa. He friend also understand the need to check up on my cat.

I was asked this morning via text to see if I could work tonight. I didn’t want to work tonight so I told them I couldn’t because I wasn’t feeling good. I wasn’t exactly lying when I texted that I wasn’t feeling well because I wasn’t when I sent the text. Even though I wasn’t feeling all that great when I sent the text saying I was unable to work due to not feeling well, I could have worked tonight. I just really didn’t want to work.

I have some good news. I emailed my therapist yesterday to see if he could come by my apartment to on occasions to check the cleanliness of it so I can be held accountable to keeping it clean for my mental health and the health of my cat. He emailed me back saying his supervisor said yes just as long as another staff member came along. I emailed him back saying I have no problem with that. I told him I understand that it is for liability and safety reasons. I am happy that my therapist supervisor gave him the all clear to help me be held accountable in regards to the cleanliness of my apartment. No my apartment is not a disaster area but I have started to let my household chores go in recent weeks which is a sign of my depression starting to flare up again. I am grateful that my therapist is even willing to do this and then asked his supervisor who approved it.

I don’t have much else to say. Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end as if it weren’t for you my reader I wouldn’t have a blog. Have a good evening. Peace Out, World.

Not Much To Say This Monday Afternoon

Good Afternoon, World!!! I hope everyone’s day is going well. Mine is just going okay. Nothing too exciting has happened today. The only thing I have done so far today was pick up my meds. Meds that are much needed but I taking but I take them because they help me with my recovery.

I do have to go to work this evening for a stupid monthly meeting. I didn’t go to Octobers meeting because I didn’t know about it and Novembers meeting was cancelled. So, I guess what I am saying is that this my first meeting at my current job and have no idea what to expect. I really don’t want to go and have absolutely no clue how long it is going to last.

Hanukkah arrived yesterday evening and I celebrated it with a friend of mine. I was suppose to go to another friends to celebrate Hanukkah tonight but due to work I won’t celebrate it with my other friend till tomorrow. I am not Jewish but two of my friends invite me to celebrate with them both at least one of the eight nights. I do this because it’s a way to honor my friends faith. I may feel disappointed that I can not celebrate Hanukkah with one of my friends tonight but I am grateful that I can celebrate with her tomorrow.

I don’t have much more to say except Happy Hanukkah to those who celebrate it. I also want to thank you from the bottom from my heart for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. Have a great rest of your Monday. Peace Out, World!!!