Weekly Check-In

It is Saturday morning and that means its time for my weekly check-in. I enjoyed my three day weekend last week.

I unfortunately called in sick most of last week because I wasn’t feeling well. I was dealing with a migraine that just wouldn’t go a way. Missing work is not my favorite thing especially since I love my job. I did end up going to see my doctor yesterday. She agrees that it was a migraine. She suspects that my migraine was caused by a combination of weather change, allergies, the fluorescent lights in my work environment and my depression symptoms increasing.

My doctor prescribed  me some allergy and migraine meds as well as suggested ways to decrease my exposure florescent lights. For example go for two, ten minute walks to get some natural light which will also help with my depression symptoms. My doctor also informed me that she would be in communication with my therapist and psychiatric nurse practitioner.

Long story short, my doctor did get a hold of my therapist who in return called me. Diana and I discussed on ways I can decrease my depression symptoms. We of course discussed the skills that help the most. The plan we came up with was to hang out with people from my natural support systems or at least call and talk to some of them on the phone. Other things on the list are, to blog, go on a walk, color, journal, read, and of course lots of chocolate.

Its amazing that I have health care professionals that are willing to communicate with each other. You don’t find that much now a days or at least here in the United States. I am grateful that I have people who look out for me. My therapist emailed Junior and Mama Bear to let them know what was going on even though they both already knew. Junior is working an overtime shift so he’s been checking up on me via text. Mama Bear took me out to breakfast and did some walking.

Yes, I still have my migraine but at least the pain is subsiding with meds and skills. I am grateful that I have health care professionals in my life that care. I am just as grateful that I have natural support system the love and care about me. Have a wonderful weekend everyone and peace out all.

Gertie Asked For A Different Perspective

It has been a while since my first contribution to Gertie’s blog. Before I go on, let me re-introduce myself. I am a friend and motherly figure to Gertie. Gertie lovingly refers to me as “Mama Bear” and that is what I will go by on their blog.

As I mentioned in the introduction I have taken Gertie under my wing. Gertie so desperately needed a motherly figure that I was willing to take that on. I didn’t meet Gertie till she was 21 when she was near death due to a serious suicide attempt. Over the years Gerties attempts on her life as well as self harm behavior became less and less. One day my crew and I were shopping at the grocery store where she use to work and that is how myself and Junior slowly got to know her and befriend her. As frustrating as Gertie can be at times it has been one of my greatest pleasures in my life being able to see her grow. Grow into the person she is now.

Yes, Gertie has had her struggles recently but I really think that the support system she has created has helped a great deal. I also think that Gertie’s new job position at work has helped as well.

I hope that over time I will discuss with you what it is like to not only be part of Gertie’s support system but what it is like to be a mother of two children who have a diagnosed mental illness. I also would like to talk about my role as a firefighter and the role mental health plays on my job description and the encounters I have experienced dealing with folks with mental illness. I have a many different views of mental illness in my own personal life that I hope I can bring to Gertie’s blog. I am part of her “journey” and can give you view that she is not able to give.

As I end this post, I would like to thank you for reading. I am giving a perspective that Gertie is wanting on her blog. I am glad to be able to give that perspective. Thank you for the willingness to read my perspective and read from someone else other than the main person who write on this blog.

Mama Bear

Ass+U+Me=Assume

I don’t really know where to begin. After doing a (scheduled) phone “check-in” with my therapist, I realized that I have some built up emotions. For example, my therapist sounded a lil surprised that I prefer the pronouns, they/them and not she/her. Its never been an issue until recently.

It hasn’t been an issue until recently due to colleagues making assumptions of me. Assumptions that are getting to me. For instance, I talk a great deal about my fiancé, Junior a great deal and have accidently said boyfriend. When they hear boyfriend most of my colleagues assume that I am straight. Well, I am not straight. I am pansexual. There are quite  a few of other assumptions that I can share but I won’t for a multitude of reasons.

I realize that maybe I should start “correcting” people on their assumptions and especially the pronouns but sometimes its not worth it for me. Its not worth it because, I have come to accept that even if I do “correct” people they won’t always remember or won’t accept my preferred  pronouns. For me self acceptance is more important than acceptance of others. I say this because others are more likely to accept you if you accept yourself.

I appreciate the time you took to read my blog. I hope to have an honest, respectful and open dialog on the issue of pronouns. Again, thank you for reading. Peace Out!!

Sleepless In Seattle, Once Again

Good Morning, World!! Normally, I would be getting ready for a job I love with a passion however I am not going into work this morning. I am not feeling well. Mainly because I didn’t sleep all that well last night. My insomnia was not helping so much. To make it worse every time I did attempt to fall asleep, my PTSD would rear its ugly head with flashbacks, nightmares and body memories. Too make things worse is I had nightmares about the miscarriages I had. Nightmares that included four faceless babies saying they miss me and love me and then tell me I killed them. Its difficult to sleep after that. I wish my depression symptoms from the grief of losing two sets of twins is setting in once again. Plus the normal PTSD shit that doesn’t help matters much with the nightmares of being abused. Anyway due to the lack of sleep due to grieving over my two miscarriages as well as PTSD shit from my childhood, I have decided to call into work sick today. A job I love with a passion.

Dentist Disaster

You go for a rather complex dental procedure and the dentist

has put you under general anesthesia.

But when you wake up, you are no longer at the dentist office.

You are on a train with a briefcase handcuffed to your wrist.

Just as you are registering your new surroundings,

a man walks up with a gun and points it at you.

What happens next?

I start to panic as I am realizing that I am staring down a barrel of a gun. As I slowly realize I have a gun pointed at my face, I started laughing. Laughing at the fact that I wasn’t really staring down the barrel of a gun, I was staring at the foot (end) of a flute. People on the train thought I wasn’t taking it as seriously as they thought I should. It was just a flute in my face. Considering the “briefcase” I was handcuffed to was actually an empty flute case, I am going to assume the man wants me to put the flute into the case.

As I slowly come to, I realize that my assumption was completely wrong. I was just under the influence of laughing gas from the dentist. I informed my dentist about the flute dream and she began to laugh. She laughed because it wasn’t the first time someone in her dentist chair had this particular laughing gas dream. This made me wonder if I should go see another dentist as I walked out of the office after she was done. Nah, if this was the worst thing that can happen at the dentist then I will stick with her.

Weekly Check-In

Good Morning!!! It is that time of week to do my weekly check-in. It has been quite a week.

My week started out with me needing to go to the Emergency Room (ER) because I had flu like symptoms. I vomited and had diarrhea multiple times within a two hour time period. Since I am prone to dehydration I went to the E.R. The doctors told me that it wasn’t a food born illness nor the flu but “flu-like illness.” Whatever the hell “flu-like illness” means.  I unfortunately, had to miss work on Monday.

My work week went about as “normal” as it can be working in the mental health field. We did have a flood at work due to a broken pipe which was kind of funny for a multitude of reasons. I wish I could tell you more about the flood and why it was so funny but I cannot because it would violate HIPPA laws and I want to protect my clients privacy.

I took a planned day off on yesterday (Friday) so I could be able to see my therapist. My session with Diana didn’t go to well. I pretty much yelled at her most of the time due to the fact of the lack of communication on her part and how I wasn’t feeling supported by her. I know yelling at your therapist isn’t the wisest of choices. I guess, I was and am frustrated that my therapist isn’t doing what I think she should be doing to help me. Plus, I felt like she wasn’t picking up on the fact that I was wanting to discuss my grief and loss with the miscarriages. I also know that it doesn’t help that she works part time and I work full time. Which is why I wish she would try to check-in with me a little be more. It is something I have emailed her about and am hoping she follows through. Diana has helped me a great deal. If it wasn’t for her help over that last seven and a half years, I wouldn’t be working as a Peer Specialist. So, I do owe Diana a lot since she has helped me a lot.

Thank you for reading. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Peace Out!!!

Tomorrow Starts…

Well, I am not sure if you remember me telling you this a few weeks ago that, I bought some magazines. A couple of those magazines happen to be focused specifically on writing. One of the writing magazines has 52 prompts. Fifty-two prompts to do for an entire year. One prompt every week for a year.

I got to thinking about the weekly writing prompts and how it reminded me of the Daily Prompts that WordPress does. It got me to thinking that to keep you my reader and follower engaged with my blog that I would do the weekly writing prompt from this particular writing magazine. Part of the reason why I am doing the writing prompt is because I want to engage you in a way that I haven’t engage you before you. The weekly prompts will be fiction. Well, most of them will be fiction. I am sure some of them won’t be fiction. Another reason why I am doing the writing prompts is that I can write them ahead of time and schedule them so if I get busy with life or my mental illness rears its ugly head, I then have something being posted every week. Plus, if my mental illness does rear it’s ugly head, I then can do a weekly prompt to help me get out of my head even if it is a prompt that is two months way.  So, the weekly prompts start tomorrow.

Well, besides the weekly prompts starting tomorrow, I will be going to work with my new butterfly tattoo and my hair being highlighted purple. I am looking forward to seeing what my colleagues and clients think of my hair and showing off my new tattoo.

I hope to be able to tell you later this week what others think of my hair and tattoo. Have a wonderful week. Peace Out!!

 

Tattoo of Hope

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Good Morning!! I hope everyone is having a good weekend. If you regularly read my blog you know that I got a new tattoo yesterday. In fact the tattoo I got yesterday evening is pictured above.

I have wanted to get a butterfly tattoo for several years now for several reasons. The main reason is that a butterfly is a sign of hope. Hope that all the struggles one goes through that beauty is on the other side. Think of the caterpillar and the darkness it goes through when it is in a cocoon and out from the cocoon the beauty of the butterfly emerges.

This is how I view recovery. Not just my recovery but other’s recovery. Knowing that the beauty of recovery looks differently  to each person and each person is in recovery from different issues.

For me my recovery is from a mental illness and cutting as well as eating disorders. Granted I have been in recovery from the eating disorders longer than my mental health issues but it is still recovery. I also am in recovery from cutting.

As you can see in the picture, I have scars from the cutting and that the butterfly covers up some of those scars. Scars that may look fresh but are not.  I purposely had the butterfly placed where it is because I wanted to show the beauty of what recovery looks like despite the scars I have, both visible and invisible to the eye.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate each and everyone of you and hope that what I blog about has meaning to someone just like my both my tattoos have meaning to me. Have a great weekend and peace out.

Looking Forward To Tomorrow

It’s been a long day and continues get longer. I, of coursed worked today and now I am waiting to start a Warm Line shift. I decided that I would fill in for someone who needed to take the day off from their shift. Others have done it for me so I will do it for others. I know I’m going to be tired by the end of my volunteer shift since I worked today as well but I am looking forward to tomorrow.

I am looking forward to tomorrow because at this time tomorrow I will be getting my second tattoo. I am going to be getting a butterfly on my right shoulder. I emailed an idea of the butterfly tattoo I desire to my tattoo artist informing him that the image I sent him was an idea of how I want the butterfly and would like his artistic style to the butterfly as well. From my understanding he is grateful for the idea and is “thrilled” to be able add his own style to the butterfly tattoo I emailed him. It was and is just an idea of how I would like the idea.

The placement of my tattoo will be covering up some scars on my shoulder. Scars that people always assume that are “fresh” when they are not. They just happened to be keloid scars. If you regularly read my blog you know that I have had issues with cutting myself in the height of my mental illness.

It seems that all the tattoo’s I plan on getting including the one I have and the butterfly I am getting tomorrow all have some meaning to me in regards to my mental illness. Most if not all I am going to get will be recovery related. Two or three will help bring awareness to mental illness like the semi-colon tattoo I already have. The butterfly has meaning to me as well and yes it involves my recovery dealing with mental illness. I will share with you the meaning behind it, tomorrow evening or Saturday morning when I do my weekly check in. Hell, I might just do an entire post on just my new tattoo after I get it. Yes, I will put up a picture of it on my blog.

I need to get going. My Warm Line shift is about to start. Have a wonderful evening. I hope to do another post tomorrow evening, weather it’s my weekly check in or about my butterfly tattoo. Peace Out!!!

Two Years of Blogging

Today, marks two years since I posted my first blog post. It’s hard to wrap my mind around that it has been two years already. In fact I am surprised with myself that I have stuck with blogging. I thought I would have given up on it for various of reasons. I could have multiple times and didn’t give up.

I could have given up when I miscarried. I could have given up when my mental illness reared it’s ugly head. I could have given up when I didn’t reach the amount of followers I think I should have by a certain time. I didn’t give up.

I didn’t give up because there is still stigma out there regarding mental illness. I didn’t give up because there are people out there still struggling with mental illness that needs to find hope. To find hope that recovery is possible. I didn’t give up because I have found out in the last two years of blogging that blogging helps me and helps me with my recovery. If fact I wasn’t even expecting it to be helpful for me. I didn’t give up because I have found a support system within the blogging community.

The blogging community has a sense of respect for each other that other social media does not. There is very little drama in the blogging community. There is some drama but it’s extremely rare and that is what I like. We all respect each other no matter the topic of our particular blog or post. We may not always agree with each other but we respect each other and our different opinions and point of views. Thank you for allowing me to be apart of an awesome community.

I need to be going. I need to get going and head for work.  Again, thank you for being so kind to me and allowing me to be me. Have a wonderful day and Peace Out!!