Update About Last Night & Other Random Thoughts

Good Morning, World!!! My last post was quite concerning if you read it you know there were some gunshots and sadly two people were shot. Thankfully, they are going to survive. I know it scared the shit out of many people including myself and my cat.

Now on to my random thoughts. Well maybe not so random. I’m not sure if I mentioned that my mom has stage three lung cancer. My mom doesn’t appear to worried about it but the rest of the family including myself is worried. Well, all except my brother because nobody has heard or seen him since my mom got diagnosed with lung cancer. I’m worried about both my mom and my brother. It’s unheard of that he hasn’t contacted anyone especially my mom since he is a mama’s boy.

Now on to the real random thoughts that I am having. If you read my blog on the regular basis or even if this is your first time reading my blog you may have noticed I have advertisements. I have advertisements to make money. The only way I get paid is if people click on them. Granted it might be a cent or two or maybe three per click but it adds up. Sadly, WordPress doesn’t pay you till you hit at least one hundred dollars. So if you could kindly click on one advertisement, whenever you read my blog it would be greatly appreciated.

On to more random thoughts, my neighbors a screaming at each other again. Well, one is screaming and the other is just trying to get to their apartment. The one neighbor screaming just needs different type of housing. Personally, the neighbor that is screaming needs to be in supportive housing where there are staff there 24/7 if someone is in need of talking to someone or in crisis. This neighbor appears to be in crisis quite often.

I should get going as my cat Billie Dean is wanting some attention. Oh how I love my cat, Billie. Billie is such a lap cat and loves all the attention he can get. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you read my blog. If it wasn’t for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Christmas in July

Hello, World!!! I know it’s July. In fact it is the fourth of July. It being the fourth of July isn’t stopping me from play Christmas music in July. Normally, I don’t play Christmas music in July but Christmas is my mom’s favorite holiday. In fact some people like my mom do Christmas in July. She even decorates Christmas decorations in July.

I recently found out that my mom has stage three lung cancer. They are even doing an MRI to see if it spread to the brain. My mom and I have may not have the best relationship but at least the last two to three years we been mending things up. I’m glad we are mending things up because realistically we do not when are time to go is going happen. As hopeful as I am that she is going to survive this I also have to be realistic about it and her not making it.

Something my mom does every year is celebrate Christmas in July and even gives my brother and I gifts on the fourth of July as well as July 25th since “the real Christmas” lands on December 25th. My mom even decorates her home with Christmas decorations. Even though I have some hope she will survive, I decided to decorate my place with Christmas decorations just in cast she doesn’t make it. I sent her a gift for the Fourth of July and of course send her one on the 25th of July. She is my mom and I want her to feel loved.

In all honesty I’m scared she may not make it especially if they find out if it spread to the brain. I am trying to hold out hope and hope that doing Christmas in July will give her the hope she needs. She has been in pretty good spirits but it is my hope that with me doing Christmas in July with my mom it will give her more hope for survival. We may have had not the best relationship but am thrilled we have been mending it over the last two or three years. So here is to a good Christmas in July.

Merry Christmas in July Mom. I love you to the moon and back.

Weekly Check-In

Good Evening, World. It is Saturday which mean its weekly check-in time even though I haven’t done one in a few weeks. I have had many up and downs this week. If you have been reading my blog regularly I got laid off and my last day was Friday, June 3rd, 2022. Which put be in a depression that sent me into the Emergency Room for psych reasons. Thankfully I was not hospitalized.

Monday of this week I had an interview for a peer specialist job. If I wouldn’t have been discharged from the Emergency Room for psych reasons I wouldn’t have received the call on Wednesday to accept the job I had interviewed for on Monday. My orientation is on Monday, June 20th and my first day of training is on Monday, June 27th.

Sadly, I found out on Thursday, June 9th that my mom has lung cancer and test are still being done. They don’t know if how severe it is as her memory is sadly going down hill. The doctors need to do a MRI to see if there are any unusual spots on her brain and if so is it able to do an operation on the possible brain tumor which would have spread due to the Lung cancer. They will able deal with the lung cancer and take out the spot so that’s a good thing. If it turns out there is no spot on her brain when get gets the MRI, it could mean she could have dementia or Alzheimer’s. As much as I don’t want my mom to have Alzheimer’s. or dementia, I would rather haver her have that than a brain tumor due to her lung cancer.

Going on to a better subject, Seattle had a beautiful day. I was able enjoy the Sunny is Seattle day with my cat Billie Dean. Billie was actually brave enough to be outside on his harness and leash for ten minutes. He spent thirty minutes walking around inside my apartment building. We both got are steps in today.

I do not have much more to say in this particular post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated that you read my blog from my perspective. If it wasn’t for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog.. Peace Out, World!!!

A Rollercoaster of the Last Few Days

Good Evening, World. Today has been a rollercoaster of a day. Lets start with the good news. I had an interview on Monday an was offered the job yesterday (Wednesday) that I got the job. I am looking forward to the new job that I start June 27th of this month. I have mixed feelings with this job but at least I’ll have employment starting the end of the month.

On that note my mom’s health hast been the best and have forgetting things a lot and usually remembers everything. My mom’s breathing has been getting worse so long story short the found a spot on her lung. It’s been made official she has lung cancer but need more test to be done see what stage it is in. The doctors need to do more test including removing the spot on her lung. She will be having more test including an MRI for her head due to her forgetfulness which is unlike my mom. If they find something in her brain that it is not suppose to be there not only will she have surgery on the removing the spot if find one if it safe enough to do it as the brain is very fragile. I will keep you updated about my mom when test results come in.

I’m just glad that I have the support of my friends, family and of course my cat Billie. Today has been a tough day and Billie has be helpful.

Than you for reading my blog. I hope you can give out positive energy and vibes for my mom. I love her so much. Again thank you for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Cell Phone Back in Service at Least with Some

Good Evening, World!!! People have been having issues with their cell phones. I just thought it was my particular cell phone carrier but it turns out it was other carriers as well.

The thing that bothered me is my mom called me twelve times in a five minute period on my cell phone after texting her it’s not working. She could have called my land line telephone and she said “you get mad when I do that.” At times I have but if you call someone’s cell phone twelve times in five minutes and then call the police is a bit excessive. The cops did give my mom a lecture on the phone especially when I have a land line. I love my mom so that is why I texted her about my cell phone. I even called from my land line and she didn’t pick up. Just use all your resources first before calling the cops.

I know my mom meant well and that she loves me. I feel bad for getting upset with her and will call her back to apologize. I really do love my mom. At least Billie kept me compony. The cell phone issue has lasted several hours and some still can use their cell phones. I’m very happy my cell phone is now working in Seattle and that Billie kept me company.

Talk to you all later and Peace Out, World!!!

An Extremely Lazy Sunday

Good Evening, World!!! It is ten o’clock at night in my neck of the woods known as Seattle. I literally have done nothing all day be eat, sleep and read Wonder Woman comic books. I mostly slept all day. I wish I didn’t sleep all day because it screws up with my sleep hygiene; sleep schedule.

I’m starting to get worried about my sleep schedule because I am wondering it is mainly due to getting over Covid-19 or if depression symptoms are starting to creep back in. No matter the reason, I just want to be back on my normal sleep schedule. If it is because of depression, I will need to let both my physical and mental health teams be aware of it. As far as the Covid-19 shit messing with the sleep, I know it’s normal for some people to feel extremely fatigue that it makes them sleep more than they usually do.

As far as when I have been awake today, I’ve been in bed cuddling with my very sweet kitty, Billie Dean. In fact I joke around with people that I sleep with a man every night name Billie. Not my fault people don’t pick up on the joke especially when they know I have a male cat. Billie is such a cuddle but and a pain in the butt at times.

While being in bed most of the day cuddling with my precious cat, Billie, I have been reading comics. Specifically comic books. To be more specific, I have been reading Wonder Woman comic books. In fact the back story of me becoming a Wonder Woman fan was because of my dad who was a single dad. Long story short my mom abandoned both my dad and myself in the middle of the night when my dad was working a night shift leaving me home by myself at the age of three. I know my mom left a note but since I couldn’t l read it I called my grandparent phone number which I was required to memorize. Anyway, my mom left both me and my dad because she couldn’t handle dealing with a man with a TBI working on sobriety and a daughter dealing with hearing impairments and speech delays. Even though I had my paternal grandmother as a female role model, my dad with his intellectual disabilities and TBI know he was not able to read due to is disabilities he wanted to make sure I had a role model to look up to even if it was/is a fictional one. So at the age of them three my dad started buying me Wonder Woman comic books. As I grew older and learned how to read, I would read two to three Wonder Woman comic books to my dad as part of our bedtime routine. I may still be sad my dad was not able to read bedtime stories to me but am grateful that we looked and Wonder Woman comic books as apart of our bedtime routine which turned into me reading them to my dad once I was able to read. Yes, my grandparents did help with me learning to read but watching my dad full of pride with me reading is something I will never forgot.

I do not have much more to say in this particular blog post except the my dad making sure I learned to read despite him not being able to read makes my heart happy and grateful. I would like to thank you for reading my blog. If it wasn’t for you the reading reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader do read my blog. Again, from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, World!!! I’m stating the obvious here; it is St. Patrick’s Day. Today is where most of the world thinks they are Irish even if they are not. I am fifty percent Irish. In fact I am third generation born here in America from Ireland. That means my great grandparents immigrated from Ireland.

That’s why when it comes to immigration, I am all for it. All people are looking for, when they immigrate is for a better life. That is what both sets of great grandparents did on my mothers side did. They made a better life for themselves. Granted life was not easy for my great grandparents yet at least it was better than living in Ireland at that time. I’m not saying America is better than Ireland, I am saying that my great grandparents were making a better life for themselves.

Thank you for reading my blog. Happy St. Patrick’s Day and Peace Out, World!!!

 

A Painful Holiday Called Mother’s Day

I am struggling to write this particular post as it has to do with the topic of mothers. In most of the world, today its Mother’s Day. A day that can be quite painful for may individuals out there.

I know for me, Mothers Day has been a source of pain for the last 35 years. I say 35 years because my mom abandoned me and my dad when I was just the tender age of three. As difficult as it was growing up with out my mom being an active participant in my life, I am beyond grateful that I have a loving father in my life that made sure I had a positive woman influence in my life. I call her grandma. My grandma went above and beyond the call of duty and am thrilled that she took on the motherly role.

Even though my grandma played the motherly role in my life as best as she could it didn’t really fill the whole I needed from my own mom. To this day, my mom hasn’t played much of a role in my life. Well, she has played a role but it has been the role of negativity. My mom blames me a great deal with how her life ended up. I realize that having a child changes things however don’t blame the child for your life decisions. Especially decisions beyond anyone control.

Things beyond one’s control is another reason why Mothers Day is so painful for me. I miscarried two sets of twins. As much as not having a loving and caring mother around, loosing a child or in my case four children hurts like hell. When today comes around it makes me acutely aware on how difficult it is to deal with the pain of the loss of miscarrying. Pain I haven’t dealt with and really need to deal with. Pain I hope that someday I can deal with and hopefully sooner than later.

At this point in time, I realize that I’m needing to stop this particular post as it is getting difficult to continue at this moment in time.  I hope each and everyone has a good Mothers Day despite how painful it can be. Peace Out!!!

 

 

Daily Prompt: Thank You

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Thank You.” The internet is full of rants. Help tip the balance: today, simply be thankful for something (or someone).

As I was searching through the past daily prompts today, I came a crossed this daily prompt. I thought it would be a good one to do just because I have a lot to be thankful for.

First things first I am thankful for my dad. There are so many reasons I am thankful for my dad. Granted he may not have won the father of the year but I’m okay with that. My dad had to take on the role of mom when my own mother abandoned the both of us in the middle of the night. He not only raised me (with the help of my grandparents) in the 80’s and 90’s but showed me what it meant to persevere despite his developmental delays, Traumatic Brain Injury (TPI), mental illness and alcoholism. Most importantly, my dad showed me what recovery looked like. He showed that recovery isn’t an easy process but is well worth it. He also taught me that the road to recovery is uniquely individualized to each person.

Secondly, I am thankful for my grandparents for helping my dad raise me. I was not the easiest of children to raise especially when I was a teenager dealing with an eating disorder, mental illness and self-harm issues. My grandparents weren’t perfect but at least I know they tried to the best of their abilities and most importantly they love me with all their heart.

Another person I am thankful for is my fiancé, Junior. I am thankful for Junior for many different reasons. I am extremely thankful that he not only chose to ask me out and date me but asked me to marry him. The reason being is because he knew what he was getting into when we started dating. He knew how difficult it could and can be with my mental illness and that didn’t scare him. I thankful for Junior’s love for me and his encouragement with my recovery.

I have yet another person I am thankful for. This person has played a significant role in my recovery and am forever grateful to her for it. The person is my own therapist, Diana. (Side Note: Diana is a pseudonym to protect her, her family as well as her past, current and future clients.) Diana has been an incredibly formable person for me in my recovery. She has been in my corner, encouraging me, challenged me (when needed), listening to me and most importantly believing me when I tell her stuff that happened to me as a child. Diana has helped me grow as a person since she is a person who believes that recovery is possible despite how differently it looks to each person.

Last but not least I am thankful for my recovery with my mental illness as well as my eating disorders. I am thankful for my recovery because I am able to enjoy my life despite what difficulties I encounter. If I wasn’t in recovery I wouldn’t haven’t been able to get my certification as a Peer Support Specialist much less have my current job as a Consumer Advocate. I also wouldn’t be able to volunteer at the Warm Line or the young adult homeless shelter I just started volunteering at. Being in recovery means that I am now living a life worth living.

A life worth living also means finding out what you enjoy. That what I am going to do now. I am going to go and enjoy this beautiful summer day. I am going to go and eat at my favorite restaurant on the water front. Yes, that means I am ending this blog post for now. Peace out and enjoy your day.

6 Years Of Progress Which Equals Success

Today, marks six years since my therapist Diana and I had our first session. Working with Diana the last six years have been tough because we worked on some tough shit. Shit that has needed to be dealt with and that continues to be dealt with. Its been a long difficult process for both myself and Diana.

When Diana started working at the community mental health agency I receive my services at she was freshly out grad and I wasn’t the easiest client to deal with. Despite Diana already being familiar with me due to her being an intern at the agency before getting hired on after graduating from grad school and me graduating from an intensive two year outpatient DBT program at different mental health agency, I still pushed the boundaries of our clinical relationship. Diana held her ground no matter how much I tried to push.

No matter how hard I pushed, Diana vowed to never give up on me. When I realized that Diana wasn’t going to give up on me, that’s when I realized I could open up to her with my deepest darkest secrets. Those deep dark secrets were due to some pretty traumatic events that I suffered as a child. Those secrets were and still full of pain. Pain that I have trusted Diana to see as well as to help me through. Allowing Diana to help me through the pain has allowed me to start to trust others in my life.

Being able to not only trust Diana but other people in my life has helped a great deal in my life. It has helped not only to not walk of the job at my previous employer but helped me realize what I wanted to do career wise. In fact I got motivated to get my peer certification and my current employment at mental health agency as consumer aide.  See, being able to trust people in my life I would have not been able to do the above mention with the career stuff. Most importantly, me being able to trust other people has help me be able to depend more on them (my natural support system) than my therapist, Diana and other professionals. If it weren’t for me trusting my natural support system, I would not have started dating Jr. In fact I would still just be friend with Jr. due to trust issue. Trusting Jr. enough to date him is amazing.

Amazing because, I was and am able to be intimate with him. For someone who has endured such a horrific childhood being intimate is difficult. Difficult for not only me but for Jr. as well. Its difficult for Jr. because he feels like it is his fault for the PTSD when my symptoms act up in the middle of intimate moments. If it wasn’t for those intimate moments with Jr. I would not be in the “delicate condition” I am in. If you have been reading my blog on the regular basis you know that I am pregnant with twins. It is an amazing feeling knowing that you are going to be a parent with person you love with all your heart. Even more amazing is being able to trust that person, knowing that he won’t harm you or your children. I know Jr. will be an awesome papa to his son and daughter. Yes, that means I am having one of each. Jr. is gloating over being a papa as well as gloating over me and how I am the mama of his children.

If it wasn’t for Diana, I wouldn’t be able to gloat over being a mama to be because I would have been able to trust Jr. enough to even date him much less be intimate with him. Diana has helped me great deal in many ways. No, Diana is NOT a sex therapist however if it wasn’t for her determination for NOT giving up on me I would have not been able to trust someone to be intimate with. Diana has help me gain self confidence as well helped me find what a life worth living means to me. Most importantly, Diana is the one who helped me to no longer meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and become what I like to say a Recovered Borderline. So, what I am saying is Thank You to Diana, my therapist for helping me. If it wasn’t for all the progress the last six years that you helped me with, I would not be a success. I know Diana may not read my blog because she is a busy lady however I still wanted to thank her.

Well, I am done with this blog for now. I just wanted to let you know how much progress I have had because of Diana. Have a great evening. Enjoy the rest of you week. Peace out!!

(SIDE NOTE: Diana is a pseudonym for my therapist protection as well the protection for her past, current and future clients.)