The Sh*t That Is On My Mind

Good Evening, World!!! It has been a few days since I last posted. I have attempted to post but hit road blocks and writers block along the way. So today, I am saying fuck it to both the road blocks and writers block and just write what I am thinking at the moment. Yes, it is a scary thought. Yes, I will be writing what I am exactly at the moment. Yes, it might not make sense.

Right now I am dealing with some fucking anger. Anger over the mass shooting in California. Why in the hell is this shit still fucking happening? Why is the media blaming mental health challenges, yet again on the mass shooting? Why are people on social media sites doing the same thing? Seriously, people who have a mental health challenge are more likely to be the victim of a violent crime than a perpetrator of one. Why can’t mainstream media share that?

Okay, if you are a regular reader, you know I live in Seattle, Washington. Anyway a couple of initiatives recently passed here in Washington. One was for better gun control. I personally had mixed feelings on this initiative because of possible HIPPA violations. I would have voted for it if it weren’t for the HIPPA violations. I am all for common sense gun control but when it violates a persons medical privacy then its an issue for me. Another initiative  that passed and I voted for is better and more training for police officers in regards to people who are in a mental health crisis. I don’t understand why people have an issue over more training for police officers. Hell, I personally think any type of training for any career is a good thing.

I am having some high anxiety right now. I haven’t had therapy last week or this week due to my therapist being out sick. I can’t help but think this is going to be another repeat of what happened when Diana left unexpectedly two years ago due to a cancer diagnosis. I feel like I am have very similar conversations with the on call clinicians that I had two years ago as I “have no evidence” that my therapist wont be coming back which is true but when its happened before you tend to worry and be anxious about such things. I just don’t need another change in my mental health care. I hope my therapist gets better and does come back but I’m not holding my breath at the moment. I don’t think the clinicians I’ve talked to over the last two week really understand the fear I am having right now especially with having a new job and the holidays coming up.

Thanks for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone has a great weekend ahead. I am grateful for each one of you who read my blog. Again, thank you for reading. Have a wonderful evening as well as a good weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

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Not Exactly A Morning Person

Good Morning, World!!! If you could call it a good morning. I am not exactly a morning person any morning but this morning I most definitely not a morning person. I didn’t get much sleep last night. At least I have some positive things going on in my life today. Some things I may not want to do but are good for me to day.

My day starts off with attending a doctor’s appointment for my stupid weird ass mouth infection. I know I have said this many times before in other post but I hope she can give me some stronger antibiotics. I also hope for some stronger pain meds but all the pain meds will do is cover up the problem and not fix it. At least the antibiotics will be able to fix problem.

After seeing my doctor, I will be seeing my therapist. We will be discussing some behaviors that I need to learn to control. Also, I hope that he can help me with some paper work or at least make sure I am understanding the paperwork correctly. I might have to actually go to the DSHS office to take care of the paperwork but at least my therapist might be able to help.

My grandpa is picking me up from therapy appointment so we can go to Red Robin. I am treating him to lunch at Red Robin. It’s always nice to spend time with family that are supportive especially over food.

Oh, I highly dislike mornings but I am one of those people I would rather get things done early so I can relax later on during the day. I am still waiting for my news paper to be delivered. It is my morning ritual to read the paper and drink tea with milk, honey and sugar in it.

Despite the lack of sleep last night, I hope that I can keep my anger under control. My anger is easily flared up when I don’t get much sleep. At least I am aware of this and can be mindful of when my anger starts to arise.

It’s just barely after six in the morning in my corner of the world. That means I should start getting ready for the day. Thank you for reading my blog and hope you enjoy reading it. I hope to blog more later on today to share how things are going. It’s greatly appreciated from my end that you read. Peace Out, World!!!

False Alarms Fucking Suck Shit

Good Fucking Morning, World. It is three thirty in the fucking morning and I had finally fallen asleep due to being sleepless in Seattle when the building fire alarm goes off. Not only did it scare the shit out of me but it scared the shit out Lil Gertie. It triggered my PTSD and who knows if she has PTSD from this kind of stuff. To make matters worse it was difficult to put her into her already much hated carrier but was finally able to do so. I wasn’t going to leave my poor cat to deal with the noise much less it being an actual fire. Lil Gertie is my life and I need to protect her. All I can say was all that work putting Lil Gertie into her carrier was for nothing because it ended up being a false alarm. Well, better safe than sorry.

My poor cat is hiding in her secret hiding place of my dirty close hamper. If it makes her feel safe then I let her be. Right now she needs her space and I hope she comes out when she feel safe.

Right now I am going to get back into my safe space by reading Wonder Woman comic books. Fire alarms don’t help my mental health especially my PTSD which is why I am going to be reading Wonder Woman comic books to help me chill the fuck out.

I apologize for all the cussing in this post but when it scares my cat and puts her into danger then I am going to be a little angry about it. I have every right to be angry about it and so do my neighbors as someone pulled the fire alarm pull stations on every floor from the basement to the tenth floor of the building.

Thank you for letting me rant and rave about the false alarm. I think I am more upset that it effected my cat. My cat is like my baby. Thank you for reading and hope the day goes well for all of you. I know some of you are just getting up for work while others are still in bed. And some of you have been up for hours working due to the time differences around the world. Have a good day anyway. I appreciate you reading everything I have to say. Peace Out, World!!!

Let’s Get Fucking Real

Good Morning, World!!! Over all it has been a good morning. As good as this morning has been I am angry. This anger has lead me to write this post. I am fucking going to get real here.

I don’t fucking understand why that only time America discusses mental health and suicide is when a mass shooting happens or when a celebrity dies by suicide? Why in the fucking hell does the media wait to something tragic happens. The month of May is mental health awareness month and not one news station in my area discussed mental health unless there was a school shooting involved.

We as not just a country but the world need to discuss more about mental health and suicide. We need to lessen the stigma that goes with it yet nothing is being done. I share bits and pieces of me here on my blog. I have emailed my politicians and local news stations yet nobody appears to give a rats ass till something tragic happens.

So, here I am sitting at my laptop attempting to lessen the stigma of getting help with a mental health challenge and/or suicidal thoughts or actions. I want people around the world that you are not alone in this battle. It is not an easy feat to battle depression or anxiety or any other mental health condition or suicidal thoughts however if you seek out help from people it can and will get better. I’m not going to lie and say its always going to be peachy keen when you get help and get better but you will have the skills to help you when things to get bad again.

The National Suicide Hotline number here in America is 1-800-273-8255. I don’t know Suicide hotline number for other countries or I would be giving those out as well. Please if you are struggling with your mental health and/or suicide please reach out to someone.

Thank you for reading. Peace Out, World!!!

Thursday Afternoon Random Thoughts

Hello, World!!! I am now home from the Emergency Room. As I mentioned in my last post I self harmed and took myself to the Emergency Room. I punched a brick wall out of anger and frustration. I didn’t break any bones.

I am going to be reading one of my books. Not sure which one yet. No, I haven’t finished my Star Wars book but I will finish it soon. I am thinking about reading my Buddhist Scriptures.

I think I am going to go read now. Thank you for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Nothing But Random Thoughts

Hello, World!!! I am sitting here just going to blog about whatever the hell is on my mind at the moment. I don’t care what comes out of my fucking mouth right now. I am a little angry for no apparent reason.

I am angry at myself for locking myself out of my apartment. This increased my anxiety. So, I took my Xanax to help me with the anxiety once I was let back in. I had to wait an hour and half before someone could come unlock my door.

Now I am going to read my book about Why Buddhism Is True by Robert Wright. After that I will read my Buddhist Scriptures as this might be of help me to help myself calm down from the anxiety.

Having a spiritual bath is a key part to people’s recovery. I hope this the right path for me especially in regards to my recovery. Plus to help reduce my anger and anxiety without having to take any meds for it.

I think I might be doing some more painting to help me through the anxiety. Painting helps me express all my emotions when I have trouble acknowledging what they are.

Thank you for reading. Have a good Mother’s Day!!! Peace Out, World!!!

Hump Day (Wed.) Morning Ramblings

Good Morning, World!!! I am sitting here at my laptop thinking about what I have going on today. Mainly, what I have going today is an interview. An interview to have a job as a Peer Specialist (Counselor). A job that I know I am capable of doing.

On that note I, posted about when I applied for the interview on a social media site. I informed people that “if and only if I get the job will I need stricter boundaries with a handful of individuals.” I deleted it primarily because I accidently crossed a friends boundary. On that note another “friend” commented on it. To find out this person thought I deleted it because of them. They passive aggressively mentioned something about my post on his wall without mentioning my name. More or less mutual friends knew who they were talking about as I got some private messages via social media and some text asking me if I’ve read and if I think it was about me. I’m not sure if it about me but I see how others may see it. The original post wasn’t even about them or geared toward them. I stated that “I’m freaking out” and that was the key part of the post as I was freaking out due to the possibilities of setting stricter boundaries that didn’t involve the person being passive aggressive. Maybe with me posting about this is being passive aggressive.  If it is being passive aggressive, I am not attempting to do so as I am just venting about. I guess I wish this individual would have reached out to me as I did them after seeing their post. Now this person is “livid” with me because they think I am “bragging” as I posted on social media that I have an interview. I am not sure what is going on with this person but I am concerned for them as they appear to be quite symptomatic to me.

Enough about that situation and on to a different topic, sort of. It’s about boundaries and how everyone has some form of them. Some of us are better at not letting folks cross them. For me it is easy for me to not allow folks to cross my boundaries with the exception of some of my family. I think that is why I got angry yesterday with family. I allowed them to cross my boundaries and that was all on me. Realizing this I can discuss it more my therapist so we can work on it.

I don’t have much more to say other than what I have already said. So, I am ending this post as I do not want to risk repeating myself. Peace Out, World!!!