Everyday Inspiration; Day 8: Reinvent the Letter Format

Dear Abuser,

This is the part of the letter I would say hello and ask how you are doing but you don’t deserve any of that. You don’t deserve it because of all the shit you put me through as a child. Hell, I am still feeling the affects of what I experienced at your hands. What you put me through as a child has caused me to become angry and led to a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD) which is absolutely no fun. Having to relive what I experienced at your hands when I was child and now reliving as an adult is scary as fuck. I am beyond angry with you and the many times you have harmed me.

The only good things that came out of you harming me is the ability to play music on the flute and art. If it wasn’t for both art and music my life would be a whole lot different. Art and music has given me an outlet to deal with the traumatic events I experienced at your hands.

I don’t have much more to tell you except that you are an absolute asshole and deserve to be in prison for the rest of your life. Sadly, you never had the opportunity to experience that kind of justice because I was too scared to do so.

Angerly  Yours,

Gertie

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Everyday Inspiration; Day 7: Let Social Media Inspire You

Good Morning, World!!! Today’s assignment is to let social media inspire a post. We were given a choice of five tweets from Twitter to write about. Sadly, none of those tweets from Twitter have inspired me to write. So, I thought I would go to my twitter account to see if I could get inspired from any tweets there and again wasn’t inspired. Since I wasn’t inspired by anything on Twitter I decided to go to Facebook.

As far as Facebook I really wasn’t inspired. I wasn’t inspired from Facebook because of the anger and hate from various people especially in Facebook groups. It seems that most of the hate and anger involves politics. People think that they can be cruel when it comes to being on the internet and social media. People wouldn’t say most of the shit face to face to someone as they do on social media. The worst topic that invokes peoples anger and hate is politics. Politics get people heated and when people get heated they tend to not be able to listen to the other persons side. Not being heard can cause even more anger. I just get aggravated when people start attacking each other especially if it is something people wouldn’t say or do face to face.

Well, I guess social media did inspire me to write about something but it is a topic I need to not discuss write now because I am livid about some things I saw on Facebook. I think I am going to end this blog post. I want to thank you for reading my blog from the bottom of my heart. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things because if it wasn’t for you my reader, I don’t think I would continue to blog. So, thank you again for reading my blog. I hope you all have a great day. Peace Out, World!!!

So Far, It’s Not A Good Friday

Good Evening, World!!! I am not having a very good Friday due to the fact that my depression and anxiety symptoms are acting up and I am getting easily angered. Specifically, I am getting easily angered at myself. I am getting easily angered at myself because I feel like I am not handling the symptoms of my anxiety and depression as well as I think I should be handling them. The reality of the situation is that I am handling the symptoms better than I think I am because I am not making the situation worse and am making a life worth living for myself.

The thing I have come to realize over the years, I tend to get angry with myself due to my mental health symptoms even when I am reacting to them in a positive way like building a life worth living. Even if people may not think I am building a life worth living with the things I am currently doing, I am building a life worth living because I am educating myself as well as being creative through art.

The way I am educating myself is listening to a podcast on Spotify about philosophy and after each episode, I research what the podcaster discusses. In fact the podcast on philosophy I am listening to is “Philosophize This.” Stephen West is the person that does “Philosophize This” and I personally think he does a great job. He captures my attention which is a good thing because of being diagnosed with ADHD and me wanting to educate myself further on what he discusses in each episode. For me willing to educate myself on a particular subject and/or topic due to how someone conveys the particular subject (and topic) says something about the person discussing it. When a friend of mine suggested that I listen to “Philosophize This,” I was hesitant at first but when I listened to the first episode Stephen West had me wanting to learn more due to his approach on the subject of philosophy. It is because of Stephen West passion for the subject of philosophy is why I am self educating myself.

As I listen to “Philosophize This” I am being creative by doing art which is another way I am creating a life worth living. The particular form of art I am doing as I am listening to the podcast is coloring. I am coloring a poster to give to my therapist to hang in his office. I realize that coloring may not be what most people consider a life worth living but for me if I can color something for others to enjoy, its a life worth living because others are able to enjoy what I created.

Even though I am coloring and listening to “Philosophize This,” I am still struggling and not having a good Friday. I wish the symptoms of my depression and anxiety would subside but sadly they are not which is why I am getting angry with myself. Being angry is never a good thing for me but if I continue doing good things for myself like listening to “Philosophize This” and coloring then I am able to control my anger. Being able to control the anger is a good thing.

I don’t have much more to say. I just want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciative from my end of things. Again, thank you for reading my blog. I hope you all have an awesome Friday. I also hope you all have an awesome weekend. I hope you all enjoy the next couple of days. Peace Out, World!!!

Boundaries Crossed = Anger

Hello, World!!! Right now I am livid. I am beyond livid. A friend of mine came over to hang out because she is acutely aware that I have been isolating. This friend is a Christian and I have no problem with that. The problem I have is what she did when she was here.

Long story short we were discussing why I was isolating. I informed her that when my depression symptoms get bad I tend to isolate especially when the psychosis acts up. When I experience psychosis, I hear voices. My friend was (and still is) concerned about my depression symptoms increasing as she expressed this to me as we were talking. During our conversation she informed me that I “have demons” in me because I hear voices. This is the point where she decided to lay hands on me to “pray out the demons.” If prayer worked for my mental health challenges then I wouldn’t have any. I know I shouldn’t be mad at my friend for “trying” to help but prayer does shit especially since I no longer consider myself a Christian. It angers me that people of the Christian faith think prayer is the cure all and heal all when it is not. I asked my friend to not put hands on me to pray for me. She then got mad at me. I attempted to educate her about psychosis and voices but she didn’t want to hear it and left. I am angry at her because she didn’t respect my boundaries. She is aware that I don’t like to be touched and that I don’t really like to be “prayed over” especially in my own home.

Being angry at my friend for not respecting my boundaries has me questioning if I should really be mad at her for doing what she thought was helping. All I wanted was to hang out and watch movies or television. I didn’t want to be “prayed over.” Am I overreacting regarding this? I hope not. I truly don’t understand why people think prayer is the answer to everything.

I am thinking I am needing to stop writing about this particular issue as it is making me more angry. I, highly dislike being angry especially at a good friend who in my opinion was trying to help to the best of her ability even though we both know she crossed my boundaries.

I do not have much more to say. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a good rest of their Saturday evening. Peace Out, World!!!

A Typical Tuesday Full Of Anxiety

Good Evening, World!!! It started out like any normal Tuesday but due to high anxiety, I ended having an emotional outburst of anger. Long story short I went to the day treatment program I attend at the mental health agency I am a client of. I went because I had an appointment with my therapist today. Anyway, I asked them to save a lunch for me due to the fact that when they were serving lunch, I was in my appointment with my therapist. Unfortunately, they did not save me a lunch. A couple of people made some snide comments and one person in particular wouldn’t let up so, I had an emotional outburst of anger. Part of it was due to being hungry while dealing with snide remarks while dealing with extreme anxiety dealing with extreme fear and anxiety dealing with getting all my teeth pulled tomorrow (Wednesday).

After leaving the mental health agency I am a client of, I went home and ate. I, then packed for few days to stay at my grandpa’s. I am staying at my grandpa’s for a few days due to getting my teeth being pulled. Yes, I brought my cat, Lil Gertie, with me. She most likely will be sleeping with my grandpa since I will be staying on the couch and he has a queen sized bed but that is okay as I most likely won’t be in much of a cuddling mood once my teeth are pulled. I am glad that my grandpa is letting me stay at his place for a few days as I heal from a mouth full of teeth being pulled.

I don’t have much more to say for the moment. I hope to blog tomorrow after I get my teeth pulled but I don’t think I will be up to blogging tomorrow but I will try to do so. I hope everyone has great rest of your Tuesday. Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. Peace Out, World!!!

The Sh*t That Is On My Mind

Good Evening, World!!! It has been a few days since I last posted. I have attempted to post but hit road blocks and writers block along the way. So today, I am saying fuck it to both the road blocks and writers block and just write what I am thinking at the moment. Yes, it is a scary thought. Yes, I will be writing what I am exactly at the moment. Yes, it might not make sense.

Right now I am dealing with some fucking anger. Anger over the mass shooting in California. Why in the hell is this shit still fucking happening? Why is the media blaming mental health challenges, yet again on the mass shooting? Why are people on social media sites doing the same thing? Seriously, people who have a mental health challenge are more likely to be the victim of a violent crime than a perpetrator of one. Why can’t mainstream media share that?

Okay, if you are a regular reader, you know I live in Seattle, Washington. Anyway a couple of initiatives recently passed here in Washington. One was for better gun control. I personally had mixed feelings on this initiative because of possible HIPPA violations. I would have voted for it if it weren’t for the HIPPA violations. I am all for common sense gun control but when it violates a persons medical privacy then its an issue for me. Another initiative  that passed and I voted for is better and more training for police officers in regards to people who are in a mental health crisis. I don’t understand why people have an issue over more training for police officers. Hell, I personally think any type of training for any career is a good thing.

I am having some high anxiety right now. I haven’t had therapy last week or this week due to my therapist being out sick. I can’t help but think this is going to be another repeat of what happened when Diana left unexpectedly two years ago due to a cancer diagnosis. I feel like I am have very similar conversations with the on call clinicians that I had two years ago as I “have no evidence” that my therapist wont be coming back which is true but when its happened before you tend to worry and be anxious about such things. I just don’t need another change in my mental health care. I hope my therapist gets better and does come back but I’m not holding my breath at the moment. I don’t think the clinicians I’ve talked to over the last two week really understand the fear I am having right now especially with having a new job and the holidays coming up.

Thanks for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone has a great weekend ahead. I am grateful for each one of you who read my blog. Again, thank you for reading. Have a wonderful evening as well as a good weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

Not Exactly A Morning Person

Good Morning, World!!! If you could call it a good morning. I am not exactly a morning person any morning but this morning I most definitely not a morning person. I didn’t get much sleep last night. At least I have some positive things going on in my life today. Some things I may not want to do but are good for me to day.

My day starts off with attending a doctor’s appointment for my stupid weird ass mouth infection. I know I have said this many times before in other post but I hope she can give me some stronger antibiotics. I also hope for some stronger pain meds but all the pain meds will do is cover up the problem and not fix it. At least the antibiotics will be able to fix problem.

After seeing my doctor, I will be seeing my therapist. We will be discussing some behaviors that I need to learn to control. Also, I hope that he can help me with some paper work or at least make sure I am understanding the paperwork correctly. I might have to actually go to the DSHS office to take care of the paperwork but at least my therapist might be able to help.

My grandpa is picking me up from therapy appointment so we can go to Red Robin. I am treating him to lunch at Red Robin. It’s always nice to spend time with family that are supportive especially over food.

Oh, I highly dislike mornings but I am one of those people I would rather get things done early so I can relax later on during the day. I am still waiting for my news paper to be delivered. It is my morning ritual to read the paper and drink tea with milk, honey and sugar in it.

Despite the lack of sleep last night, I hope that I can keep my anger under control. My anger is easily flared up when I don’t get much sleep. At least I am aware of this and can be mindful of when my anger starts to arise.

It’s just barely after six in the morning in my corner of the world. That means I should start getting ready for the day. Thank you for reading my blog and hope you enjoy reading it. I hope to blog more later on today to share how things are going. It’s greatly appreciated from my end that you read. Peace Out, World!!!