Everyday Inspiration; Day 8: Reinvent the Letter Format

Hello, World!!! Today’s assignment for Finding Everyday Inspiration, is to write your blog in a letter format. I’m having difficulty do this because it appears to me that the only people I can think of righting a letter or letters to, can and will bring up some major pain to me.

The first person I thought of righting a letter to as part of this assignment was the person who abused me as child. The person in this particular case would be my brothers dad. It brings up a great deal of pain and anger. Both emotion’s that I really don’t want to deal with at the moment.

The second person I thought of writing a letter to as a part of todays assignment was to Diana. The therapist that departed the agency I am client of unexpectedly due to a cancer diagnosis. This brings me much pain and grief as I was unable to say goodbye to her. A goodbye as in a final session however this was unable to happen because she needs to focus on getting better. I am unsure how she is doing or if she is even still alive. I’m still grieving over the loss of her as my therapist especially it was all of sudden and quite unexpected.

The third letter I thought about writing was to the two sets of twins I lost in two miscarriages. As expected that brought up a great deal of sadness and pain. Pain and sadness I really don’t want to acknowledge. As any parent or expectant parent will tell you is that the greatest pain a parent can endure is loosing a child. I can say this without a shadow of a doubt because I’ve endured a great deal of pain in my life due to various traumas and the greatest pain I’ve endured is loosing my children via miscarriage. Loosing a child is quite difficult.

In fact WordPress suggested to write a letter to someone about a joyous time. I attempted to do so when I started this post by writing a letter to Diana. Unfortunately, it was bringing up a great deal of grief and sadness for me as Diana has helped me with a great deal in my recovery.

It is my hope that maybe someday, I can do this assignment when it doesn’t seem so overwhelming for me at this moment in time. Sometimes it difficult to acknowledge to others when things can be hard and/or overwhelming for me. So thanks for being  understanding.

As, I end this blog post, I want to thanks you for reading. I appreciate you for your readership. I hope everyone has a great day. Peace Out, World!!!

Middle of the Night Ramblings

It’s the middle of the night in my part of the world. I woke up with a stupid nightmare. A nightmare that was a little bit more challenging that the typical PTSD nightmare I usually deal with. The nightmare was that of four babies saying I killed them. Diana, my former therapist, thought that it is my subconscious attempting to deal with the miscarriages of two sets of twins. It makes sense especially since I blame myself for the miscarriages even though the doctors don’t have a clue or a reason for the miscarriage.

Despite still dealing with the grief of two miscarriages of two sets of twins, Junior and I still want to start a family. We aren’t exactly trying to have children but we aren’t using any type of birthday control or protection either. If it happens, it happens. Whether or not we conceive and have biological children we want to adopt at least two children from foster care. We have a lot of love to give and want to share that love with the world.

Okay, on to another subject as I’m not wanting to deal with the grief of miscarrying two sets of twins. So, I’m going to talk about blogging. As I informed you in my last post, I have been blogging for three years now. I was really good at blogging on the regular basis when I first started and when I started working fulltime I didn’t make time to blog and then I became depressed and lost all interest in everything including blogging. Now that I don’t work anymore, I need to make an effort to blog on the regular basis. Most everyone knows that if you blog that blogging on the regular basis is a way to keep your followers reading and to attain new followers. I’m hoping that Junior and Mama Bear will be able to blog from their point of view on my blog at least twice a month each. We all get busy and that’s why they haven’t posted much.

Anyway, that’s enough about the boring topic of blogging. As I switch to yet another topic, I’m not sure how I’m feeling at the moment. I’m not really wanting to deal with the emotions that are popping up currently. I also know if I don’t deal with the emotions and stuff them that’s when unhealthy coping mechanisms pop up.

As my emotions pop up, I realize I need to end this post and try to go back to sleep as I have an appointment with my case manager. Before I go back to bed I plan on coloring first so I can relax. Have good night and peace out!!!

A Painful Holiday Called Mother’s Day

I am struggling to write this particular post as it has to do with the topic of mothers. In most of the world, today its Mother’s Day. A day that can be quite painful for may individuals out there.

I know for me, Mothers Day has been a source of pain for the last 35 years. I say 35 years because my mom abandoned me and my dad when I was just the tender age of three. As difficult as it was growing up with out my mom being an active participant in my life, I am beyond grateful that I have a loving father in my life that made sure I had a positive woman influence in my life. I call her grandma. My grandma went above and beyond the call of duty and am thrilled that she took on the motherly role.

Even though my grandma played the motherly role in my life as best as she could it didn’t really fill the whole I needed from my own mom. To this day, my mom hasn’t played much of a role in my life. Well, she has played a role but it has been the role of negativity. My mom blames me a great deal with how her life ended up. I realize that having a child changes things however don’t blame the child for your life decisions. Especially decisions beyond anyone control.

Things beyond one’s control is another reason why Mothers Day is so painful for me. I miscarried two sets of twins. As much as not having a loving and caring mother around, loosing a child or in my case four children hurts like hell. When today comes around it makes me acutely aware on how difficult it is to deal with the pain of the loss of miscarrying. Pain I haven’t dealt with and really need to deal with. Pain I hope that someday I can deal with and hopefully sooner than later.

At this point in time, I realize that I’m needing to stop this particular post as it is getting difficult to continue at this moment in time.  I hope each and everyone has a good Mothers Day despite how painful it can be. Peace Out!!!

 

 

New Years Eve 2016

As I sit here at my laptop, I realize it is now 2017 in most of the world. Well, in my neck of the woods, it is still 2016.

As 2016 comes to an end, I am not sure what to think of how this year was. It has been a year of both trials and triumphs. Some of my trials have been quite sad as my triumphs have been quite joyous.

Lets start off with the trials, I have dealt with this year. At the start of 2016 I was dealing with the one year anniversary of my the loss of my second set of twins due to a miscarriage. Dealing with the grief of loosing a second miscarriage has been quite difficult and as any parent knows loosing a child is the most difficult thing a person can deal with. Little did I know at the beginning of the year an on how much grief and loss I would be dealing with. In October I lost three clients and a colleague which hit me quite hard. It hit me hard because the deaths happened within a month of the third anniversary of the loss of my first set of twins due to miscarriage. Due to the grief I was dealing I ended up in crisis mode and landed in the hospital for psych reasons. Shortly after I got out of the hospital I found out that my therapist of eight years, Diana, was in the hospital with the dreaded diagnosis of cancer and won’t be coming back. Yes, that means I will be getting a new therapist and will talk about her at a later date.

Now on my triumphs of 2016, which I wouldn’t have if it weren’t for Diana’s help with my recovery. I finally got a job as Peer Specialist and a plus is that it being a fulltime position. If it weren’t for all the help Diana gave me I wouldn’t be working as a Peer much less working fulltime. As much as I struggled this year with grief, work fulltime as Peer is well worth it. I hope that with me continuing being employed as a Peer gives Diana some encouragement that she played a major role in my current position.

I know realistically, Diana is probably not reading this as she is dealing with a cancer diagnosis and getting treatment for it as well as raising a family, I want to thank her for everything she has done for me. Diana, if you are reading, Thank You from the bottom of my heart for helping me with my recovery. Just know a lot of people who are in my corner know how much you have helped me with my recovery and are keeping you in their thoughts and prayers. I hope someday you can be my therapist again.

There is roughly twenty-five minutes left of 2016. I hope everyone has a Happy New Year. Have a good New Year and hope to see you in the New Year.

Crisis & Not Being Able To Say Goodbye

I don’t know where to begin. Lets begin with how difficult things have been lately. In October I lost three clients and a colleague. This put me in an unexpected whirlwind of a crisis. Dealing with four deaths so close to the third anniversary of the first miscarriage put me into a major crisis. A crisis that got me the “extra support” I had been advocating for since I got promoted to a Peer Specialist. The “extra support” came too late as was I was already quickly approaching hospitalization.

I met with my “extra support” and she made an already volatile situation worse. This person informed me that she “would not be able to use humor in sessions as it is unprofessional and wont abide by not using the two terms” that trigger me. Needless to say two days later I ended up in the hospital for fifteen days.  While in the hospital I found out that Diana, my therapist, wont be back till December due to medical issues. Okay, everyone deals with health issues. I was in the middle of a health issue at the moment myself. Granted it was a mental health crisis but I understood.

Dealing with a personal health crisis is not an easy thing to go through which is why when I was discharged from the hospital, I would be a chemo-buddy to friend of mine who was on an oncology unit. An oncology unit that my therapist was on. I being the person I am quickly walked past her room to see my friend. A friend who knew something that was up. I informed my friend that I would let her know more when I was able to get more information.

I was able to get some information the next day at the mental health agency, I see Diana at. They were “surprised” that I found out and “find it odd” that I had a friend on the same unit as my therapist. I found the statement “find it odd” a little odd because why would I spend my time and energy to figure out if my therapist was in the hospital especially since I was and am in a crisis dealing with my mental health and grief of a butt load of recent and past loss. Long story short I was given an appointment with Diana’s supervisor who informed me that Diana does have cancer and it is unlikely that she will be returning. To make matters worse, I have been put on the waiting list for another therapist. This makes no sense to me as they had given me a person to be of “extra support” in addition of Diana and now I have to wait till at least February to get a therapist. To make matters worse my extra support is going to be out till mid-January.

It really bothers me that I not only don’t get to say goodbye to Diana but I am not going to get any support till mid-January. Seriously, someone who recently got out of a psych ward is going to have little to no support. I feel like I am not being heard. What part of I am not doing well don’t people understand and to make matters worse my therapist of eight years is not around to help due to cancer. If Diana knew what was going on I am sure she would advocate for me or at least have a “goodbye” session like she promised. I know realistically I won’t have that “goodbye” session and I feel like my treatment team is just putting me on the shelf in hopes everything will resolve itself because “she is strong, has skills and resiliency” but that’s who they should be most concerned about. Those of us who “appear to be doing well” despite some major struggles at the moment.

The only reason why I am not going to do anything is because I am going back to work on Monday after being on FMLA for a month. Yes, I am going to only be working a limited schedule due to partial FMLA but at least its something to look forward to. Another reason why I am not going to do anything is because my clients don’t need to lose another staff member and if I leave my current employer I would like to give my clients some closure with at least being able to say goodbye. Something I won’t be able to do with Diana. As far as I know she is still alive but not coming back.

I should get going before the tears on my face short out my laptop. Have a good weekend everyone.

Weekly Check-In

Good Morning, World!!! It’s hard to put a word or an emotion on how this week has been. I just know that this week has made me realize that I am where I am suppose to be in my life in regards to my career and place of employment.

This past week at work has been a week of accomplishments for me. On Tuesday, September 20th, myself and the two other members of my team at work found out that we are receiving the team of the year award. Apparently, we had more than one colleague nominate us for the team of the year award according to our supervisor. We will be receiving the Team of the Year Award at a breakfast we have once a year for our donors in a couple of weeks. The funny things I found all this out the day before my six month anniversary in my current position as a Peer Specialist. That means my six month anniversary was on Wednesday, September 21st. Hitting the sixth month mark at my employer is a major deal because your first six months is the probationary period. I am not sure if I “passed” my probationary period but I’m sure if I didn’t I would have been informed by my supervisor by now.  I love my job.

The love of my job brings me to the next topic of conversation of education. I have been thinking a great deal about going back to school to get a degree even if it is only an Associates degree. I finally made the decision this past week that I will be going back to school in September 2017 and what educational route I would take.  I plan on getting both my Associates Degree and Bachelors Degree at a local community college. Granted the Bachelors Degree isn’t a Bachelors of Social Work/Welfare degree but I can always get a MSW later on. So the educational path I am taking is getting an Associates of Applied Science in Social and Human Services with a certificate in Child & Family Studies and then get my Bachelors of Applied Science in Applied Behavior Science. I am going this route because 1) its cheaper because both degrees are at a community college and 2) I don’t know how realistic it is for me be able to get  a MSW. Yes, a MSW is something to aim for and is the goal I am shooting for but at this point in time I need focus on the smaller goals first to get to the big goal.

At this point in time, I realize that will need to not only focus on the big goal of getting a MSW but really need to focus on the smaller goals to get me there. I realize that in the coming months I will need to have something to focus on for a multitude of reasons. The reasons why I need to focus on my goals are as follows: 1) My depression tends reappear later on in the Autumn, 2) November 18th marks the third anniversary of me miscarrying my first set of twins, 3) the holidays are coming and is time where my depression not only acts up but my PTSD as well and 4) January 12th (2017) will be the second anniversary of me miscarrying my second set of twins. As you can see, I will need to have something to focus on. If I can focus on my goals then maybe the coming moths will not be so difficult for me. I hope to share with you my goals that I need to focus on between now and September of 2017 in regards to getting ready to attending school once again in another post.

On that note, I will need to end this post for now. Have a great weekend and Peace Out!!!

Weekly Check-In

Good Morning, World!! It’s that time of week again. The time when I do my weekly check-in. Saturday mornings seem to work for me in regards to doing my weekly check-ins. I hope that weekly check-ins can become a part of my Saturday morning routine like Saturday morning cartoons and a big bowl of cereal were when I was a child.

The last week has been an uncomfortable one for me. Or at least it has been uncomfortable for me at work. There was a “staff retreat” at work and the Peers were invited. Which, I was happy about. I was then approached by a case manager (who was a peer at one time) and a supervisor. I was asked by both of them if I would be willing to co-present Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) with the case manager. I opened my big mouth and said yes. I am NOT a big fan of public speaking or at least I don’t like to publically speak. Thankfully, my supervisor was not present for the retreat. Unfortunately for  me he heard through the grape vine on “how well” I did presenting the WRAP and wants me to start presenting more. He also wants me to start up a group sooner than later. He “likes” the fact that I’ve already have it “in the works.” Meaning that I have a case manager who will co-facilitate with me, a name for the group and what the group focus will be on.

The group focus will be for those who struggle with self harm. It will be half process group and half coping skills group. I worry on how well I will do co-facilitating a group. Partly because of the public speaking aspect of it. My supervisor likes the idea that the group will be focused on self harm because many agencies including mine don’t have groups specifically geared toward self harm and processing with learning skills. Many groups that have a focus on self harm are skills based without the processing part. My supervisor is “for” my group because it is both processing and skills based which is something that is needed for those who struggle with self harm. Being able to process and learn new skill is needed because it helps with recovery.

Recovery is not easy. I know in terms for my own recovery, I need to process stuff. Processing things is not easy. I know for me processing both the trauma I have experienced as well as the miscarriages has been quite helpful for me despite it being difficult. Even though processing is difficult, I wouldn’t be in recovery without processing stuff that has been hard to deal with throughout my life.

Overall my life has been going well. Yes, I have had some severe anxiety lately but I have been able to use my skills to help me through. Skills and my wonderful support system have helped me.

On that note, I would like to thank you for reading my blog. I hope that all  my blog is helpful to you all in some one or another. Have a wonderful day  and peace out!!