Random Thoughts At Midnight

Hello, World!!! It is now midnight in my corner of the world!!! I made it through Mother’s Day without any major problems. It appears that I handled the grief of my grandma better than I thought I would.

It was a beautiful day in Seattle so I decided to go to the Ballard Locks. I did this to enjoy the eighty three degree (Fahrenheit) weather as I love the fact it is finally getting warm outside. While at the Ballard Locks I also read quite a bit. I read a book called Why Buddhism Is True. I am reading this book as I am wanting to figure out if Buddhism is the faith I want to follow.

Spirituality or faith including atheism is key to one being in recovery. Right now I am looking into Buddhism as it appears it might be the best faith for me and my personal goals with my recovery. As many of you know my faith in anything has been one of the the things lacking in my recovery and for me my recovery means the world to me.

Thank you so much for reading. Have a great night of sleep and Peace Out, World!!!

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Nothing But Random Thoughts

Hello, World!!! I am sitting here just going to blog about whatever the hell is on my mind at the moment. I don’t care what comes out of my fucking mouth right now. I am a little angry for no apparent reason.

I am angry at myself for locking myself out of my apartment. This increased my anxiety. So, I took my Xanax to help me with the anxiety once I was let back in. I had to wait an hour and half before someone could come unlock my door.

Now I am going to read my book about Why Buddhism Is True by Robert Wright. After that I will read my Buddhist Scriptures as this might be of help me to help myself calm down from the anxiety.

Having a spiritual bath is a key part to people’s recovery. I hope this the right path for me especially in regards to my recovery. Plus to help reduce my anger and anxiety without having to take any meds for it.

I think I might be doing some more painting to help me through the anxiety. Painting helps me express all my emotions when I have trouble acknowledging what they are.

Thank you for reading. Have a good Mother’s Day!!! Peace Out, World!!!

Pushing Through the Grief

Hello, World!!! I am doing slightly better than I was in my last post. I went for a walk which helped a great deal. I also read the news paper and had tea. I did this to honor my grandma and have been doing this since before she passed away but today was to honor her.

I also did some painting. I am painting a yellow rose to honor my grandma. My Grandma’s favorite flower was the yellow rose. Painting the yellow rose helps me heal and is a way to honor my grandma.

Thanks for reading. Peace Out, World!!!

A Painful Mother’s Day

Good Morning, World!!! As American’s celebrate Mother’s Day, I sit here dealing with grief and loss. The grief and loss of my grandma and being the first Mother’s Day with out her. Also dealing with the loss of two sets of twins. Not everyone has a good or happy Mother’s Day due to the painful experiences of loosing a child or children in my case as well as grandma.

For me Mother’s Day is also painful for me because my mom was not always there for me. She kept deciding throughout my childhood she couldn’t “handle” me for a multitude of reasons. One reason is because of her addiction to Heroin.

I want to discuss with you more about how things are going for me today but even writing this is have tears roll down my face. I am going to get going and do some mindfulness. Have a great day. Peace out, world!!!

Weekly Check-In

Hello, World!!! As many of you know my family celebrated Mother’s Day today to honor my grandma. It was difficult for all of us as this is the first Mother’s Day without my grandma since she passed away.

As I told you earlier this week, I went to the Social Security office to discuss why I wasn’t getting any money. To find out I was suppose to be getting some money but they “forgot” to give it to me. Thankfully, my provisional checks were reinstated as I wait for Social Security  to make a decision.

I also made the decision to officially look into Buddhism. I have found that folks who consider themselves Buddhist to be at peace with themselves. Plus, I feel like it can help me with my recovery.

Thanks for reading. Have a goodnight. Peace Out, World!!!

A Painful Holiday Called Mother’s Day

I am struggling to write this particular post as it has to do with the topic of mothers. In most of the world, today its Mother’s Day. A day that can be quite painful for may individuals out there.

I know for me, Mothers Day has been a source of pain for the last 35 years. I say 35 years because my mom abandoned me and my dad when I was just the tender age of three. As difficult as it was growing up with out my mom being an active participant in my life, I am beyond grateful that I have a loving father in my life that made sure I had a positive woman influence in my life. I call her grandma. My grandma went above and beyond the call of duty and am thrilled that she took on the motherly role.

Even though my grandma played the motherly role in my life as best as she could it didn’t really fill the whole I needed from my own mom. To this day, my mom hasn’t played much of a role in my life. Well, she has played a role but it has been the role of negativity. My mom blames me a great deal with how her life ended up. I realize that having a child changes things however don’t blame the child for your life decisions. Especially decisions beyond anyone control.

Things beyond one’s control is another reason why Mothers Day is so painful for me. I miscarried two sets of twins. As much as not having a loving and caring mother around, loosing a child or in my case four children hurts like hell. When today comes around it makes me acutely aware on how difficult it is to deal with the pain of the loss of miscarrying. Pain I haven’t dealt with and really need to deal with. Pain I hope that someday I can deal with and hopefully sooner than later.

At this point in time, I realize that I’m needing to stop this particular post as it is getting difficult to continue at this moment in time.  I hope each and everyone has a good Mothers Day despite how painful it can be. Peace Out!!!

 

 

What Can I Say, It’s Mothers Day

As many of you know it’s Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is a source of pain for many us out there in this world of ours. The cause of the pain of Mother’s Day is as different and unique as each of us are as human beings.

For me Mother’s Day has been a source of pain since childhood. A source of pain I wish I could forget or at least no longer be as painful as it has been and currently is. I guess now is as good of time as any to bring up the source of many years of pain, my own mother.

The first memory I have of my childhood was not exactly the happiest and you guessed it, it involves my mother. I was the tender age of three when my mom did what many mothers would not even give a thought; she abandoned me. She didn’t just abandon me, she abandoned my dad. A dad that wasn’t exactly the worlds most perfect dad but a dad that loved me and tried the best of his ability to raise me. With my dad being a single father, that made realize how truly special my own grandmother was in my life.

If it wasn’t for my grandparents helping my dad, my dad wouldn’t have gotten custody of me when my mom decided to reappear into our lives two years late when I was five. At this point in time my dad had already gotten divorced my mom and got custody of me due to the fact that my mom abandoned me. In fact the lawyer that my wonderful grandparents got for my dad to make sure he remained the primary caregiver pointed out to the judge that if mother could leave her sick three year old alone at night as her husband was working didn’t deserve to have custody. Unforantenly, the judge to granted my mother visitation. The visitation was a complicated thing due to the fact that my dad and myself lived in Southern California and my mother lived in Western Washington.

Due to the visitation I spent my summers and Christmas’s in Washington State and the rest of the year in California. That meant as Mother’s Day rolled around, I was going to mother/daughter tea’s with my  grandmother. As I got older it got that much more difficult.

It got more difficult because mother started dating a guy who wasn’t exactly prince charming. He not only beat my mom but decided to take out his anger on me as well. He not only took out his anger me but also desired me in a way grown adults shouldn’t desire children of any age. Yes, that means I was sexually abused. Actually, I was raped by this man. I was put through years of it before he just upped and left my mom and brother.

In fact if it wasn’t for my brother, I would have asked to go to court to ask the judge to take away my mother’s visitation rights away from her. In fact I would have asked the judge to take away her parental rights away. If I would have that means my brother would have ended up in foster care  again and me no longer being able to see him. In fact my brother and I are close and we both call our mother, our egg donor because that is what she ultimately is to the both of us.

Despite all the pain my mother caused me throughout my life, there is a different pain I struggle with. That is the pain of loosing a child. In fact in my case, it’s children. I miscarried two sets of twins within 14 months of each other. This year Mother’s Day is more difficult for me than last year because we (myself, my fiancé, doula, and doctor) were more hopeful and encouraged about how my last pregnancy was progressing verses how my first pregnancy had progressed. I cant help but think how big my first set of twins would be if I didn’t miscarry them. I also cant help but think about my last pregnancy, if I didn’t miscarry back in January (of this year). I wonder if I would still be pregnant or if I would have delivered the twins because this set of twins were due on May 29th (of this year). As any parent knows, there is no greater pain a person can endure than loosing a child. I unfortunately, lost two sets of twins. As much pain I endured as child, the pain of miscarrying two pregnancies is a much great pain to me. The children I miscarried will always be a part of me.

As you can tell by this lengthy blog, Mother’s Day is quite painful for me for many different reasons. As you celebrate your mother’s or are being celebrated as a mother please take a moment of gratitude for the mother you have and/or the child(ren) you have. Not everyone has the blessing of having mother who cares or (a) child(ren) to take care of and love.

Before I end this blog, I would like to take the time out and wish all the Mother’s out there a Happy Mother’s Day. I would especially like to thank my grandma as well as others in my life to stepping into the mother role when I needed it the most. Happy Mother’s Day.