Everyday Inspiration; Day 8: Reinvent the Letter Format

Hello, World!!! Today’s assignment for Finding Everyday Inspiration, is to write your blog in a letter format. I’m having difficulty do this because it appears to me that the only people I can think of righting a letter or letters to, can and will bring up some major pain to me.

The first person I thought of righting a letter to as part of this assignment was the person who abused me as child. The person in this particular case would be my brothers dad. It brings up a great deal of pain and anger. Both emotion’s that I really don’t want to deal with at the moment.

The second person I thought of writing a letter to as a part of todays assignment was to Diana. The therapist that departed the agency I am client of unexpectedly due to a cancer diagnosis. This brings me much pain and grief as I was unable to say goodbye to her. A goodbye as in a final session however this was unable to happen because she needs to focus on getting better. I am unsure how she is doing or if she is even still alive. I’m still grieving over the loss of her as my therapist especially it was all of sudden and quite unexpected.

The third letter I thought about writing was to the two sets of twins I lost in two miscarriages. As expected that brought up a great deal of sadness and pain. Pain and sadness I really don’t want to acknowledge. As any parent or expectant parent will tell you is that the greatest pain a parent can endure is loosing a child. I can say this without a shadow of a doubt because I’ve endured a great deal of pain in my life due to various traumas and the greatest pain I’ve endured is loosing my children via miscarriage. Loosing a child is quite difficult.

In fact WordPress suggested to write a letter to someone about a joyous time. I attempted to do so when I started this post by writing a letter to Diana. Unfortunately, it was bringing up a great deal of grief and sadness for me as Diana has helped me with a great deal in my recovery.

It is my hope that maybe someday, I can do this assignment when it doesn’t seem so overwhelming for me at this moment in time. Sometimes it difficult to acknowledge to others when things can be hard and/or overwhelming for me. So thanks for being  understanding.

As, I end this blog post, I want to thanks you for reading. I appreciate you for your readership. I hope everyone has a great day. Peace Out, World!!!

Middle of the Night Ramblings

It’s the middle of the night in my part of the world. I woke up with a stupid nightmare. A nightmare that was a little bit more challenging that the typical PTSD nightmare I usually deal with. The nightmare was that of four babies saying I killed them. Diana, my former therapist, thought that it is my subconscious attempting to deal with the miscarriages of two sets of twins. It makes sense especially since I blame myself for the miscarriages even though the doctors don’t have a clue or a reason for the miscarriage.

Despite still dealing with the grief of two miscarriages of two sets of twins, Junior and I still want to start a family. We aren’t exactly trying to have children but we aren’t using any type of birthday control or protection either. If it happens, it happens. Whether or not we conceive and have biological children we want to adopt at least two children from foster care. We have a lot of love to give and want to share that love with the world.

Okay, on to another subject as I’m not wanting to deal with the grief of miscarrying two sets of twins. So, I’m going to talk about blogging. As I informed you in my last post, I have been blogging for three years now. I was really good at blogging on the regular basis when I first started and when I started working fulltime I didn’t make time to blog and then I became depressed and lost all interest in everything including blogging. Now that I don’t work anymore, I need to make an effort to blog on the regular basis. Most everyone knows that if you blog that blogging on the regular basis is a way to keep your followers reading and to attain new followers. I’m hoping that Junior and Mama Bear will be able to blog from their point of view on my blog at least twice a month each. We all get busy and that’s why they haven’t posted much.

Anyway, that’s enough about the boring topic of blogging. As I switch to yet another topic, I’m not sure how I’m feeling at the moment. I’m not really wanting to deal with the emotions that are popping up currently. I also know if I don’t deal with the emotions and stuff them that’s when unhealthy coping mechanisms pop up.

As my emotions pop up, I realize I need to end this post and try to go back to sleep as I have an appointment with my case manager. Before I go back to bed I plan on coloring first so I can relax. Have good night and peace out!!!

A Painful Holiday Called Mother’s Day

I am struggling to write this particular post as it has to do with the topic of mothers. In most of the world, today its Mother’s Day. A day that can be quite painful for may individuals out there.

I know for me, Mothers Day has been a source of pain for the last 35 years. I say 35 years because my mom abandoned me and my dad when I was just the tender age of three. As difficult as it was growing up with out my mom being an active participant in my life, I am beyond grateful that I have a loving father in my life that made sure I had a positive woman influence in my life. I call her grandma. My grandma went above and beyond the call of duty and am thrilled that she took on the motherly role.

Even though my grandma played the motherly role in my life as best as she could it didn’t really fill the whole I needed from my own mom. To this day, my mom hasn’t played much of a role in my life. Well, she has played a role but it has been the role of negativity. My mom blames me a great deal with how her life ended up. I realize that having a child changes things however don’t blame the child for your life decisions. Especially decisions beyond anyone control.

Things beyond one’s control is another reason why Mothers Day is so painful for me. I miscarried two sets of twins. As much as not having a loving and caring mother around, loosing a child or in my case four children hurts like hell. When today comes around it makes me acutely aware on how difficult it is to deal with the pain of the loss of miscarrying. Pain I haven’t dealt with and really need to deal with. Pain I hope that someday I can deal with and hopefully sooner than later.

At this point in time, I realize that I’m needing to stop this particular post as it is getting difficult to continue at this moment in time.  I hope each and everyone has a good Mothers Day despite how painful it can be. Peace Out!!!

 

 

Elusive as of Lately

It’s been a while since I last blogged and it’s obvious that I’ve been elusive as of lately. I’ve been elusive for various reasons.

If you are a regular reader of my blog you know that my depression has been rearing its ugly head due to the two miscarriages I have. One back in November of 2013 and the other back in January of 2015. It hasn’t been the easiest of times for me and unfortunately, I didn’t complete the Writing 201 course that I signed up for and was looking forward to doing it. Loss of a child is one of the toughest if not the toughest thing a person can go through.

Talking through the pain of loosing two sets of twins with my therapist, Diana, has not been easiest things to do. While discussing the miscarriages with Diana , she realized how close I was to actually attempting suicide and how I lost all hope as well as loosing all the goals I had set for myself. Diana being quite concerned considered putting me back in the hospital but realized that if she did it wouldn’t be helpful to me or my recovery. That’s when thought to ask the question many people dread, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” My response was “I can’t even focus on the next five minutes much less the next five years.” Diana response was, “I know its difficult to look beyond the next five minutes much less the next five years. I would like for us to focus on your goals because it appears to from my end that you have lost sight of your goals. Goals that mean a great deal to you.” There was no point in arguing this point with Diana due to the fact that it was spot on and completely true. Not only that it’s difficult to argue with someone who is just as stubborn as you are and you know that the person is right on with what they said. With all that being said leads to the other reason why I have been so elusive.

What Diana had said to me had me thinking hard. Hard about my future and where I want my life to be. It still might be difficult for me see where I will be in five years but it did get me to refocus. It got me to focus on my career. A career as a Peer Specialist. If you been reading my blog for a while you know that I am currently employed as a Consumer Aide at a mental health agency. You also know that I got the job to gain “paid experience” to be able to get a job as a peer specialist. Well, I’ve been a Consumer Aide, a week shy of a year and a half and decided that I will start looking a Peer Specialist positions. In fact a week and half ago, a Peer position came available with a clinical team at the agency I work for. I applied for it and ended up interviewing for it this past Thursday (February 25, 2016). I personally  don’t think the interview went all that well and wont find out if I got the job or not for two or three weeks. Which actually means about four to six weeks because the hiring process is so slow at the agency I work for. I am looking at applying to more peer position within the agency I work for as well as outside the agency.

I am hoping that I will be more diligent and less elusive when in comes to my blogging. I really doing enjoy blogging. Not only do I enjoy the writing part of blogging but reading other peoples blogs.

As, I end this particular post, I want wish you a good rest of your weekend. Please go out and enjoy the world or attempt to enjoy the world to the best of your ability. Have a good Sunday and Peace Out!!!

Writing 201; Week One: What’s Your Angle

Apparently, this WordPress course is more of a workshop style and we will be getting weekly assignments so we can work on them over a course of a week. I like this idea. It will give me time to work on the assignments and exactly what I want to write about. I personally will attempt to write and post it daily because it will give me more focus of what exactly I will be working on.

Sometimes it’s that focus I need on a specific topic to help me create a better blog. That is why I am doing this course. Creating a better blog to gain more readers so I can educate others about mental illness and show those struggling with mental illness, grief and loss as well as miscarriage loss that they are not alone.

I hate to do this but I need to finish getting ready for work and end this post for now. Have a wonderful day everyone. I hope to blog again this evening. Peace Out!!!

Writing 201: Finding Your Story; Day One: What’s Your Angle

As many of you are well aware of I am taking yet another WordPress course. It starts today and todays assignment is on what my angle is. Like many other courses I have taken it is how one interprets the assignment on how that person does the assignment. Or at least that is my understanding. The following is my first assignment:

What’s my angle? My angle has always been geared toward sharing my story with recovery with the mental illness I struggle with. I have done this to help educate others who do not struggle mental illness as well as to give others hope that recovery is possible for those of us who struggle with mental illness. Don’t worry, this is still going to be a part of my angle, I have just recently added more angles to my blog.

I have realized over the last year, that people don’t really discuss (or write about) miscarriage and the pain that comes along with it or how to deal with the grief and loss one experience’s when they have a miscarriage. So, I am adding a couple of more angles to my blog. They are to share my journey through my grief and loss with my both my miscarriages. That means the added angles to my blog are miscarriage and grief and loss.

On a side note for those who are new to reading my blog I miscarried January of last year (2015). I miscarried my second set of twins in fourteen months.  Over the last year I have struggled greatly with both miscarriages and realized no one ever talks about grief and loss and how to deal with it or even miscarriage.

Now that you are now aware of what my new added angles are, I am going to end this post in a moment. I am grateful that I was able to take my lunch break today. Most importantly I am grateful I haven’t been called back early so I could do todays assignment. Well, I need to get back to work. Have a wonderful day. Most importantly have a great work week. Peace out!!!

Something Of A Taboo; Miscarriage

At this moment in time I am struggling. I am struggling with the loss of the two sets of twins I miscarried. If you regularly read my blog you know that I miscarried twice within fourteen month of each other. The first being November of 2013 and the second being January of last year (2015).

Miscarriage is something of a taboo. A taboo that needs to be spoken about more and often. Many out there don’t realize how difficult it is to loose a child to miscarriage. People naturally assume “that it’s easier to get over because you never met the child.” Well, I am sorry to say but I can argue the opposite and say it makes that much more difficult but I don’t because loosing a child, no matter how, is the most difficult thing a person can go through. It hurts when I hear comments like the one mentioned above because I heard my babies heart beats and felt them kick. I had a connection with them. A connection only myself and the father, Junior, had with them (and maybe my OBGYN and Doula).

As I sit here typing about my losses, I realize I have tears rolling down my face wishing that it wasn’t so difficult to discuss the loss. I find it difficult to discuss the miscarriage because it is never really discussed about due to being it a taboo. I just cant comprehend why miscarriages (or even stillborn children) is such a taboo topic to discuss.

It is my hope that as I blog about my experiences with mental illness, miscarriage and other things that whatever is considered taboo will be come less of a taboo. As I end this particular post I want to thank you for reading. Have a wonderful weekend and peace out!!