How Much Death Can One Person Take?

This is a difficult post to write. It’s difficult to write because it is going to be a post about death. The death of friends and family as well as having to look into putting my grandma into hospice.

This year has not been the easiest of years for me regarding people passing away. It started out when I found out that a close friend died by suicide and was found on New Years Day. I lost a total of eight friends, one cousin and three clients. How much death can one person take?

On top of that I found out my grandma’s doctor’s informed my grandpa that hospice care for my grandma might the best option for her. I was told that she only has six to nine months to live due to Parkinson’s related stuff. It’s never easy to hear that your grandma doesn’t have long to live especially if she helped raise you.

I’m hoping that with the help of my mental health treatment team, I can learn to deal with the grief. Grief of loosing so many people over the last few years.

Thanks for reading my depressing post. Have a great day!!! Peace Out, World!!!

Weekly Check-In

Hello, World!!! It’s late on Saturday night. This is the time of year that is the most difficult for me even when I am doing well. Its difficult due to trauma related shit which is the reason I have PTSD. When you add Depression to the mix it just makes things worse.

So more or less Christmas is a shitty time of year for me due to trauma but Christmas is even more difficult this year. I found out late last night (Friday) that one of my cousins died yesterday. She was only 48 years old. She passed away suddenly due to health issues as she slept taking a nap. Her two sons found her and did CPR on her till the paramedics showed up. The difficult thing was that I needed to tell another cousin that my cousin died as well as an uncle. To make matters even more difficult I had to inform a mutual friend of mine on my cousin that my cousin died. Telling three people that someone passed away is not a great way to start off the holiday weekend.

As difficult as yesterday was especially with the holiday weekend at least my Yule or Winter Solstice went well. I spent it with Junior and some of our closest friends. We had fun. We ate lots of food and played some awesome board games.

That’s all have for now. I’m struggling with some PTSD symptoms and need to do some relaxation skills. I hope everyone has a great holiday. Peace out, World.

Everyday Inspiration; Day 19: Feature A Guest

Good Evening, World!!! today’s assignment for Finding Everyday Inspiration is to feature a guest. I have two very special guest I’ve interviewed. They are my partner, Junior, and the person who is a motherly figure to me, Mama Bear.

Do you remember the first time we “met?”

Junior: Yes, I remember our first interaction. Although, I’m pretty sure you don’t remember it.

Mama Bear: How in the hell can I forget our first interaction. I’m with Junior on this regarding you most likely don’t remember.

What was our first interaction?

Junior: Our first interaction was when I was apart of the crew that got called out to your place. You had attempted to take your own life. We (the crew) really didn’t think you were going to make it as you were so close to death.

Mama Bear: I might as well as say refer to Junior’s answer as I was apart of the same crew Junior was on. You did surprise the hell of us a few weeks later when we saw you walking around the neighborhood.

When you say “crew” what do you mean?

Junior: When I say crew I mean the crew that I work with. I am a firefighter.

Mama Bear: Refer to Junior’s answer as we are both firefighter. In fact we are still on the same shift at the same station. Most of the crew has changed.

How long have we “known” each other if you count our first in encounter?

Junior: Seventeen very interesting years.

Mama Bear: Again, refer to Junior’s answer.

Out of the last 17 years what have you learned from me?

Junior: I’ve learned that recovery is possible when dealing with a mental health condition. I learned a great deal of patients.

Mama Bear: To not be so judgmental especially toward individuals in a mental health crisis. More empathy and compassion.

Is there anything else you would like to say that I didn’t ask?

Junior: I love you with all my heart and am so grateful that you weren’t successful with your attempting to take your own life. I will always be here for you.

Mama Bear: Hmmm….Boy, you’re sure trusting with this question. I love you like you are my own daughter (even though I’m not officially old enough to my you mom). I, too am grateful that you weren’t successful with your (many) attempts with dying by suicide. This world would not be the same without you.

I interviewed Junior and Mama Bear as I hope that starting in the next couple of weeks to have them start posting on the monthly basis. I’m hoping for this so you all can get a different perspective on mental health conditions. Thank you to both Junior and Mama Bear for answering my questions.

I hope that everyone has a great evening. Peace Out, World!!!

Crisis & Not Being Able To Say Goodbye

I don’t know where to begin. Lets begin with how difficult things have been lately. In October I lost three clients and a colleague. This put me in an unexpected whirlwind of a crisis. Dealing with four deaths so close to the third anniversary of the first miscarriage put me into a major crisis. A crisis that got me the “extra support” I had been advocating for since I got promoted to a Peer Specialist. The “extra support” came too late as was I was already quickly approaching hospitalization.

I met with my “extra support” and she made an already volatile situation worse. This person informed me that she “would not be able to use humor in sessions as it is unprofessional and wont abide by not using the two terms” that trigger me. Needless to say two days later I ended up in the hospital for fifteen days.  While in the hospital I found out that Diana, my therapist, wont be back till December due to medical issues. Okay, everyone deals with health issues. I was in the middle of a health issue at the moment myself. Granted it was a mental health crisis but I understood.

Dealing with a personal health crisis is not an easy thing to go through which is why when I was discharged from the hospital, I would be a chemo-buddy to friend of mine who was on an oncology unit. An oncology unit that my therapist was on. I being the person I am quickly walked past her room to see my friend. A friend who knew something that was up. I informed my friend that I would let her know more when I was able to get more information.

I was able to get some information the next day at the mental health agency, I see Diana at. They were “surprised” that I found out and “find it odd” that I had a friend on the same unit as my therapist. I found the statement “find it odd” a little odd because why would I spend my time and energy to figure out if my therapist was in the hospital especially since I was and am in a crisis dealing with my mental health and grief of a butt load of recent and past loss. Long story short I was given an appointment with Diana’s supervisor who informed me that Diana does have cancer and it is unlikely that she will be returning. To make matters worse, I have been put on the waiting list for another therapist. This makes no sense to me as they had given me a person to be of “extra support” in addition of Diana and now I have to wait till at least February to get a therapist. To make matters worse my extra support is going to be out till mid-January.

It really bothers me that I not only don’t get to say goodbye to Diana but I am not going to get any support till mid-January. Seriously, someone who recently got out of a psych ward is going to have little to no support. I feel like I am not being heard. What part of I am not doing well don’t people understand and to make matters worse my therapist of eight years is not around to help due to cancer. If Diana knew what was going on I am sure she would advocate for me or at least have a “goodbye” session like she promised. I know realistically I won’t have that “goodbye” session and I feel like my treatment team is just putting me on the shelf in hopes everything will resolve itself because “she is strong, has skills and resiliency” but that’s who they should be most concerned about. Those of us who “appear to be doing well” despite some major struggles at the moment.

The only reason why I am not going to do anything is because I am going back to work on Monday after being on FMLA for a month. Yes, I am going to only be working a limited schedule due to partial FMLA but at least its something to look forward to. Another reason why I am not going to do anything is because my clients don’t need to lose another staff member and if I leave my current employer I would like to give my clients some closure with at least being able to say goodbye. Something I won’t be able to do with Diana. As far as I know she is still alive but not coming back.

I should get going before the tears on my face short out my laptop. Have a good weekend everyone.

Weekly Check-In

Good Evening or should I say Happy Friday!!! It is finally the end of a long and stressful work week. Don’t get me wrong I love my job it just was a long week at work.

As you may know that this week was suppose to be a “short” week because of the three day weekend but I went into work on Memorial Day to clean up a messy office that I acquired from my predecessors as well as catching up on the all so lovely paper work that is nesasary as peer specialist. Not to mention that the lovely paper work is required by the state and federal government as well as the lovely insurance companies that pay for clients to seek services. Well, back on topic of work and the stress that goes with being a peer specialist. Besides paper work, myself and my colleagues were informed of three client deaths. I of course can’t say anymore about the client deaths due to HIPPA. It is not easy to hear about a clients death especially multiple in a week.

Hearing about the clients deaths brought up my own grief and loss issues. Not just over loosing clients but that of the miscarriages I have dealt with. It is still quite difficult dealing with the miscarriage loss’s. Loosing a child(ren) is the toughest thing a person can deal with. So tough at times that at the moment I rather change the subject.

So let go on to the subject of earlier this evening. After work I went and got my second tattoo. I got a butterfly tattoo. I hope to blog more about it tomorrow with a picture or two. Getting the tattoo was quite relaxing and am grateful that I got it. So far the people who have seen the tattoo like it.

I hope to blog more about my tattoo tomorrow (Saturday) morning. Have a great weekend everyone. Peace out!!

Mental Illness, Miscarriage and Recovery

Happy Friday!!! It’s the start of another weekend and not just any weekend; Superbowl weekend. Like many other people in America, Junior and myself are preparing to watch the Superbowl with friends. In fact we are hosting a Superbowl party. As stressful it is to prepare for such an event, I am looking forward both preparing for it and being a part of the party.

I am looking forward to it, not only because the Seattle Seahawks are going back to the Superbowl but because it is going to be an enormous distraction for both Junior and I. It’s going to be a distraction because, I miscarried. It’s been a rough couple of weeks for both Junior and myself. We were looking forward to becoming parents. We were really hopeful that I would carry to term this pregnancy because I had made it to 20 week mark and ended up miscarrying at 20 1/2 weeks. The reason why Junior and I thought I was in the clear was because I miscarried another set of twins at 19 weeks and were told that once I hit the 20 week mark that the risk of miscarriage goes down substantially. Loosing a child is the greatest pain a person can endure. I know this because, I’ve lost children through miscarriage and have dealt with some severe childhood trauma.

Grieving is not an easy thing to do especially when it comes to loosing a child however it is something I will be able to work through with the help of others. Asking help from others is not an easy thing for me to do, however it is a sign that I am in recovery. I would be lying to you if I told you I wasn’t struggling with the miscarriage because I am struggling with my miscarriage big time. Suicide has even crossed my mind the last couple a weeks. Don’t worry I am NOT going to attempt or commit suicide because I have too much to live for plus I have the skills and support that I need to help me through this pain. Part of my recovery is letting people who love and care about me, help me through this difficult time of my life.

Recovery looks differently to everybody and part of my recovery is this blog. Blogging about the miscarriage is a difficult thing to do. I think miscarriage, just like mental illness is something that people don’t really discuss. I am not really sure why people don’t discuss miscarriages but I know why people don’t discuss mental illness. Mental illness has a lot of shame and stigma attached  to it. It is for that shame and stigma with mental illness is why I share myself with you all (and try to educate). If I wasn’t in recovery, I really don’t think I would be able to keep myself safe from self-harm or suicide in dealing with the miscarriage. It is because of my recovery I am able to be doing as well as I am after loosing a set of twins due to miscarriage.

I was hoping that I would be able to blog more however it is getting a little difficult for me to do so at the moment. I need to go and allow myself to grieve. I hope to be able to blog sometime on Superbowl Sunday. Have good weekend everyone. Peace out and GO SEAHAWKS!!!

I Would Have Laughed In Your Face & Told You………

It’s difficult to wrap my mind around that it is the First Day of December. That means that we only have one more month left of 2014. Where has the year gone?

I may not know where this year has gone but I do know how fast it has gone by. This year has taught me a great deal about myself and how much strength I actually have. It also has taught me how persistent I am and how much I really do know how to persevere. It has been an amazing year despite the deep sorrow I had at the beginning of the year that I am still dealing with. I am grateful for all the things I have endured this year, both the good, the bad and the ugly.

In fact the last two years (2013 and 2104), have been the best two years of my life thus far. If you would have told me back on December 1, 2012, what my life was going to be like the next two years, I would have honestly laughed in your face and told you that you belong in a state hospital. My life has had an amazing turn of events the last two years.

Lets start with last year, 2013. 2013 started like any other year, with me wondering what the year was going to bring. Little did I know what 2013 was going to bring. In April of 2013 I trusted my gut and started dating my boyfriend Jr. July was a pretty a pretty big month for me. July was the first time I had sexual intercourse willingly. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe that someone in their mid-thirties having sex for the first time willingly however I was afraid of sex due to severe childhood trauma and never trusted anyone to have sex with till I met Jr. July was also the month I took the week long 40 hour peer specialist/counselor training so I could be able to take the exam and become certified. I also found out that July that I was pregnant with my first set of twins. Last but not least, July was the month my therapist, Diana, told me that I no longer meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). August was a month full different emotions. I was getting use the idea of being pregnant with twins while studying for the peer specialist/counseling exam at the end of August. August was also the month a dear childhood friend of mine died at the age of 31 from an aggressive form of ovarian cancer. That was difficult for me especially since I couldn’t get time off from my previous employer to attend her funeral. September brought good news despite grieving over the death of a friend. That good news was I passed my peer specialist/counseling exam. I passed it with a 92% and needed an 80% to pass. I was beyond thrilled that passed in the 90’s. November was an extremely sad time for both myself and Jr. I miscarried twins at 19 weeks. In fact I miscarried while my own therapist had only been on maternity leave for two weeks. Yes, I was seeing a temporary therapist at the time however its not the same as your own therapist.  Needless to say the rest of 2013 was spent in grief of not only my childhood friend but the twins I had lost. Despite the loss’s I had in 2013, it was still an amazing year. A year I never thought would happen. I never thought I would be far along in recovery to become certified as peer specialist/counselor much less have a loving boyfriend that I was (and still am) intimate with and madly in love with. 2013 was a year I could say was full of recovery.

As you can imagine 2014 started out with some difficulty. In fact I held a great deal of my pain in, till my therapist got back from maternity leave in February. Once, Diana got back from maternity leave it took me a few more months to allow myself to grieve over the loss of the twins. I finally broke down in April of 2014 and ended up cutting myself on two different occasions. I cut myself because the pain of miscarrying was just way too much for me. Both times I ended up in the E.R to get the cuts checked out as well as be evaluated for my mental illness. Thankfully, I was able to convince the social workers and doctors that I didn’t need hospitalization.  See, in the past I would have taken the opportunity to be hospitalized for mental health issues even though the reason why I cut was due to grief. To me that’s a major step in my recovery. Part of the reason why I fought so hard to stay out of the hospital was because I was waiting to hear back from two potential employers to get a job as a peer. I didn’t get either job I had an interview for in April however, May turned out to be pretty good.  I found out that I would be able to take the training in August to be a call taker at the Warm Line. June and July of this year I had two more interviews for a peer specialist/counseling job which again I didn’t get either job. August was bumpy. At the beginning of August I ended up in the E.R again due to cutting over the grief of miscarrying twins. Thankfully, I wasn’t hospitalized because if I was, I wouldn’t have been able to continue you with the Warm Line training much less become a call taker in September. August was also the month I had an interview for as well as found out that I got my current job. It was also the month I put in my two weeks notices at my previous employer. The ending of August and the beginning of September were quite difficult because I thought I was going to loose my father. I had to make the decision to put him on life support and a tracheotomy which saved his life. He is no longer on life support and he got his trachea out. September was when I ended my previous employment and started my current employment as a Consumer Aide at a local mental health agency. I also started being a call taker at the Warm Line. In fact at the end of September I found out I was not only pregnant again but pregnant with twins. October was a month of adjustment for me. I was getting adjusted to not only a new job and volunteer job but another pregnancy.  November 1st marked three years since I was last discharged from an inpatient psych ward. I never would have thought I would be out three years. I guess that means that as of today I have been out three years and one month. This is the longest I have been out of the hospital for psych reasons. Now you can see why the last two years have been amazing despite all its difficulties.

I honestly would have never thought I could fall in love with the most amazing man much less be able to trust him to have sex with him. I never thought possible that I would ever be a recovered Borderline cause I was so severely Borderline. I also never thought I would be out of a psych ward for more than three years. That is why I said that I would have laughed in your face and told you that you belong in the state hospital. Recovery is a choice. I chose to convince the social workers and doctors in the E.R to not admit to a psych ward. I chose to pick myself up and wipe myself off due to all the loss I have dealt with. For me, dealing with my problems head on including the symptoms of my mental illness is key to my recovery.

Well, I think this blog entry is long enough. I think you get the idea what I’m trying to convey; that recovery is well worth it despite bumps in the road. I love my life and everything that come with it and yes that even means the pain. I may not like dealing with pain but I rather be able to deal with it like a “normal” person than be stuck in and out of hospitals due to psych reasons.

I really need to get going now. I hope to blog again in the next day or two. Have a good night all. Peace out!!