Tag Archives: PTSD

Still No Sleep for Me

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is five forty in the morning here in Seattle and I still have not slept which royally sucks. I really wish I could sleep. Sleep is important to a person’s physical health as well as a person’s mental health and hope I get some sleep, so it does not start affecting my health or wellbeing.

Not only am dealing with no sleep due to insomnia and PTSD, but I am also dealing with some depression symptoms. Just like I mentioned in my last post I have been working on some workbooks to help me with the symptoms of my mental health challenges. Learning new coping skills and building on the coping skills that I have learned throughout the years in my recovery only helps me even more in my recovery journey. As tired as I am, I am grateful that I have the time to learn new coping skills through the recovery related workbooks that I am doing.

I do not have anything else to discuss or share or to write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

PTSD + Insomnia = No Sleep

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is two thirty-four in the morning here in Seattle. I am sadly unable to sleep. I am unable to due to PTSD and insomnia which sucks but it is something that I have dealt with in the past. As much as it sucks, I am also realizing that I am fighting some depression symptoms which makes the no sleep thing with PTSD and insomnia suckier than it should be.

Since I am dealing with little sleep due to insomnia and PTSD as well as dealing with increased depression symptoms, I have decided to do some recovery related workbooks. Workbooks that are helping me learn new skills as well as helping me build more resiliency in my life. I am glad that I do workbooks to help myself with my recovery as the skills I learn helps build on what I have already learned in my recovery. For me my recovery is one of the most important things in my life.

I do not have anything else to discuss or share or to write about in this particular blog post except that I wish I could sleep and didn’t have to deal with insomnia, depression and PTSD. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Therapy + Snow = Snowball Fight With Therapist

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It snowed last night here in Seattle and it sucks but at least I was still able to see my therapist in person. My therapist and I discussed the death of my dad and how challenging it has been to lose him so close to my mom dying. We also discussed how not just my mom’s death but my dad’s death has increased my PTSD symptoms. While discussing the increased PTSD symptom my therapist noticed that I was starting to dissociate and thought it would be a great idea to go outside to have a snowball fight to allow myself to let my inner child out. So, today’s session focused on allowing myself to let out my inner child as I had a snowball fight with my therapist.

Allowing myself to let out my inner child helped a great deal with my dissociation and my therapist saw this as we had our snowball fight. She asked me in what ways I could let my inner child out so we discussed how my cat, Billie helps. I also brought up the fact that I never stopped coloring and continued to color despite being made fun of on the occasional basis from people. Coloring has always allowed me to be me and kept me connected to my inner child even though I didn’t realize it till today.

Now that I am home, I am coloring as I watch the local news with my cat, Billie sleeping in my lap. I love the fact that I have my cat, Billie in my lap purring as I color letting out my inner child. I am so happy that I let out my inner child today in therapy and that I am doing that with coloring at home.

I do not have much more to discuss or write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Sleepless In Seattle Type Of Night

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is a few minutes after two o’clock in the morning here in Seattle and I am sadly unable to sleep. I am unable to sleep due to PTSD and insomnia which is nothing new to me. It is literally below freezing outside and is supposed to snow in Seattle. Other cities in the area already have accumulated snow. I do not like snow and I really hope we do not get any.

Since it is so cold outside I have my heating blanket on as I really do not like turning on my heat unless I have to. On that note since it is so cold and I am unable to sleep, I am coloring as I have my heating blanket on. I have this special lap desk I can use in bed which comes in handy especially when I don’t feel like getting out of bed and want to color. I really enjoy coloring.

As I color my cat, Billie is curled up next to me snoring. I am so grateful that my cat is in my life. I do not know what I would do without my cat, Billie. I love my cat so very much and I am so very grateful for Billie’s unconditional love.

I do not have anything else to discuss or write about in this particular blog post except, I really hope it does not snow in Seattle. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

A Good Day & Yet I’m Currently Dissociating

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It has been a good day for me here in Seattle yet I am currently dissociating which suck shit. I am not really one hundred percent sure why I am dissociating which is scary as hell but I am sure that it is PTSD related. I do know it was a cold foggy day here in Seattle which is probably why my depression symptoms are slightly worse. Like I said I have had a good day and I have been in a really good mood. I will take a good day and a good mood with slightly elevated depression symptoms over a shitty day any day of the week.

Something I realized around the time I got hurt by a neighbor in the summer of 2023 when my dissociation started getting bad again, I color when I am dissociated. It is usually a giant poster or two that are mandala type and/or kaleidoscope type poster. I also color smaller posters that are about eight by ten (or maybe eight by twelve). The smaller posters that I am doing are sort of the similar designs as the giant poster. I only color these particular posters while I have other posters I color and focus on when I am not dissociated. You can tell just by the coloring and the mindset I am in. I think I am going to cuddle with my cat Billie as I do some coloring. My cat is even more of a lap kitty or velcro kitty when I am dissociating. I think my cat Billie does this to make sure I am safe. I love my cat, Billie so very much.

I do not have anything else to write about or to talk about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, than you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Another Sleepless In Seattle Type Of Night

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I am once again sleepless in Seattle. At least there was no family drama involved this time around like last night. Sadly, my depression and PTSD symptoms have not decreased much due to being so hypervigilant from last nights family drama. I really dislike hypervigilance and wish I did not have PTSD.

Since I am unable to sleep again and dealing with the aftermath of the family drama of last night I have been cuddling with my cat, Billie. In fact he is all curled up in my lap as I type this particular blog. My cat, Billie has been curled up sleeping as I do some artwork. The type of artwork I am doing is coloring a gigantic coloring poster. I love coloring and enjoy doing it especially when my cat, Billie is curled up on my lap or beside me.

I do not have anything else to talk about nor to write about in this particular blog post except that I hope that I can get some sleep. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Family Drama + Middle of Night + PTSD + Insomnia = Sleepless in Seattle Type of Night

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! Sadly, more family drama has been occurring and this time in the middle of the night. My aunt is upset with me at the moment due to the fact that I will now no longer be paying for her train ticket to go my mom’s funeral at the end of this month. I asked multiple times via phone calls and text messages and she made it clear to me that she “doesn’t need help paying for a stupid train ticket.” So, when I bought mine, I didn’t buy hers. My aunt has been calling me and my other aunt who lives in Texas all night. My aunt in Texas is on my side due to the fact that I offered multiple times and was told “no” multiple times. My aunt in Texas is extremely angry with my other aunt because of being woken up multiple times. In fact my aunt in Texas blocked my other aunt so she could get some sleep. In fact I took my aunt who lives in Texas lead and blocked my other aunt as well. Sadly, my angry aunt called my two uncles and sadly got them involved. One uncle is on my side while the other uncle is upset but thinks I should pay for my aunts train ticket to “keep the peace” even though my aunt has said “no” multiple times but understands why I am not. Sadly, my uncles have now blocked my aunt so they can get some sleep.

Even though I blocked this aunt I am not able to get back to sleep due to insomnia and an increase of PTSD symptoms due to the family drama. Since I am unable to sleep I am cuddling with my cat, Billie. As I cuddle with my cat, Billie, I am reading an awesome book. The book I am reading is Sacrifice by Nikole Knight. Sacrifice is book two in the Fire and Brimstone series by Nikole Knight. I am really enjoying the book. In fact cuddling with my cat, Billie, and reading has been helping with the PTSD symptoms.

I do not have anything else to write about or even to discuss in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you my reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Weekly Check-In

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It is that time again, where I do my weekly check-in. Sadly, the symptoms of my PTSD and depression have been acting up. My anxiety is also acting up. The various symptoms of multiple mental health diagnoses rearing their ugly heads, I have to keep my emotions in check. One of the main emotions I have to keep in check is my anger. For me, I tend to stuff my anger till I do one of two things which are emotionally explode by screaming, yelling and cussing or I self harm. Thankfully, I have not self harmed in over a year. Since my anger has been an issue I know I need to work on, I have been discussing it with my therapist. I had an appointment with my therapist this past Wednesday. I informed her that I feel like my anger has an extremely short fuse. We discussed how the journaling about my anger is helping. We also discussed what I call going back to basics which are eating regularly, staying hydrated and sleeping well. We discussed how challenging the basics can be and how doing the basics can help lengthen the fuse. I am grateful for the practical suggestions as well as the out of the box suggestions my therapist gives to help me with my mental health recovery.

Besides going to therapy this past week, I went to Red Robin with some friends several times this week. I enjoy spending time with friends and I love Red Robin as Red Robin is my favorite restaurant. One of the times I went to Red Robin this week was due to the fact that it was one of my closest friends birthdays and wanted to celebrate her on her birthday. It is always good to spend time with friends and create happy memories at places like Red Robin.

I, of course spent time with my cat, Billie. I love my cat so much and he helps me with my emotions. He is my Emotional Support Animal (ESA) for a reason. I am so grateful that he is my life.

I do not have much else to write about or discuss in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Nightmares = No Sleep In Seattle

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is a few minutes after three o’clock in the morning here in Seattle. I am sadly unable to sleep partly due to insomnia and partly due PTSD. It took me forever and a day to fall asleep and sadly got woken up by a nightmare once I was asleep. Having insomnia and PTSD sucks shit.

I had a challenging time falling asleep due to insomnia as well as some pretty intense trauma responses from PTSD symptoms. I am pretty sure that the trauma response from PTSD symptoms was due to the fact of the family drama last night that I wrote about in my last post.

Since the lack of sleep and waking up from a nightmare due to PTSD symptoms, I realized that I was angry about it all so I ended up journaling. It appears that the journaling is about my anger is helpful for me. I am glad I am taking my therapist’s suggestion regarding writing down my anger as well as calling friends afterwards. In fact, I called one of my closest friends and talked to her at length. I then called my partner, Junior who came over to my place and we talked at great length about everything. I am beyond grateful for my close friend as well as my partner.

In fact Junior is going to stay the rest of the night here at my place to give me moral support. He is helping me color my gigantic giant coloring poster. As we colored my cat, Billie was in my lap. In fact Billie is still in my lap as I write this particular blog post. After I am done writing this particular blog post, I will continue coloring with Junior as my cat, Billie sleeps in my lap.

I do not have anything else to discuss or write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Family Drama + PTSD = A Sh!tty Trauma Response

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! I am currently dealing with some shitty and intense trauma response due to family drama and PTSD symptoms. I am pretty sure the family drama with my aunt is what caused the PTSD symptoms and ultimately the trauma response that I had.

This will be a long post due to it being a long story. As I have posted before, my mom died two days before Thanksgiving Day here in the United States. It’s been extremely challenging for me for many reasons. Sadly, I posted an angry and pain filled post on my Facebook wall under my given name which started some family drama. I apologized many times to many people in my life especially my family. I know I hurt many people and most understand and have forgiven me or at least started to forgive me in their own time and own way except one aunt. That one aunt is the person I offered to pay for their train ticket from Seattle to where my mom’s funeral is going to be which is Olympia at the end of this month. I offered to pay for her train ticket due to her having car issues as well as having some financial issues and wanted to be helpful. My aunt lives in the Bremerton area and could easily take the ferry from Bremerton to Seattle and take the train. So, I have to text back and forth with her a handful of times regarding tickets which leads to the drama this evening.

I texted my aunt about the train tickets close to 8:30 this evening Seattle time. She informed me that she doesn’t need me to pay for her tickets and is unsure if she is going to take the train if she does she will pay for her own. She also stated that she doesn’t respond to phone calls or text after 7:30 unless it is urgent. I texted an apology and let her know that I usually text people after 8:00 due to peoples bedtime routines and that I won’t do it again. She then texted me to next her again tonight which I wasn’t going to do nor will I do now that I know her boundaries. Anyway, this aunt then calls me up and screams at me and has mentioned every thing I have done wrong in her eyes that she heard through the “grapevine” or witnessed yet she hasn’t been in my life very much for various reasons. She brought up so painful shit that I experienced which caused some anger in me as well as an anxiety attack or two. I ended up hanging up on her and blocking her phone number temporarily for my own sanity.

Since my aunt caused so much anger I did what my therapist had suggested and wrote out my anger. I wrote my anger and anxiety in my journal I bought myself for Christmas. So, I wrote six pages in my journal regarding my anger and trauma response regarding my aunt calling and screaming at me. After journaling I reached out to some of my natural support system of friends like my therapist suggested in therapy. I reached out to two friends who were happy to talk with me and I am so grateful for their listening ear.

After journaling and talking with two friends I of course cuddled with my cat, Billie and as I am writing this particular blog post Billie my cat is still cuddling with me. I think after I am done with this particular blog post I will color as I love to color.

I know my mom wouldn’t want all this drama after her death or regarding her funeral. I just wish she was still alive. I miss my mom so very much. I hope she knew how much I loved her even though we didn’t get along at times.

I do not have much more to write about or discuss in this particular blog post except to say I am sorry for posting about my family drama and my anger. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!