Tag Archives: PTSD

Sleepless In Seattle Type Of Night

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is a few minutes after two o’clock in the morning here in Seattle and I am sadly unable to sleep. I am unable to sleep due to PTSD and insomnia which is nothing new to me. It is literally below freezing outside and is supposed to snow in Seattle. Other cities in the area already have accumulated snow. I do not like snow and I really hope we do not get any.

Since it is so cold outside I have my heating blanket on as I really do not like turning on my heat unless I have to. On that note since it is so cold and I am unable to sleep, I am coloring as I have my heating blanket on. I have this special lap desk I can use in bed which comes in handy especially when I don’t feel like getting out of bed and want to color. I really enjoy coloring.

As I color my cat, Billie is curled up next to me snoring. I am so grateful that my cat is in my life. I do not know what I would do without my cat, Billie. I love my cat so very much and I am so very grateful for Billie’s unconditional love.

I do not have anything else to discuss or write about in this particular blog post except, I really hope it does not snow in Seattle. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

A Good Day & Yet I’m Currently Dissociating

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It has been a good day for me here in Seattle yet I am currently dissociating which suck shit. I am not really one hundred percent sure why I am dissociating which is scary as hell but I am sure that it is PTSD related. I do know it was a cold foggy day here in Seattle which is probably why my depression symptoms are slightly worse. Like I said I have had a good day and I have been in a really good mood. I will take a good day and a good mood with slightly elevated depression symptoms over a shitty day any day of the week.

Something I realized around the time I got hurt by a neighbor in the summer of 2023 when my dissociation started getting bad again, I color when I am dissociated. It is usually a giant poster or two that are mandala type and/or kaleidoscope type poster. I also color smaller posters that are about eight by ten (or maybe eight by twelve). The smaller posters that I am doing are sort of the similar designs as the giant poster. I only color these particular posters while I have other posters I color and focus on when I am not dissociated. You can tell just by the coloring and the mindset I am in. I think I am going to cuddle with my cat Billie as I do some coloring. My cat is even more of a lap kitty or velcro kitty when I am dissociating. I think my cat Billie does this to make sure I am safe. I love my cat, Billie so very much.

I do not have anything else to write about or to talk about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, than you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Another Sleepless In Seattle Type Of Night

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I am once again sleepless in Seattle. At least there was no family drama involved this time around like last night. Sadly, my depression and PTSD symptoms have not decreased much due to being so hypervigilant from last nights family drama. I really dislike hypervigilance and wish I did not have PTSD.

Since I am unable to sleep again and dealing with the aftermath of the family drama of last night I have been cuddling with my cat, Billie. In fact he is all curled up in my lap as I type this particular blog. My cat, Billie has been curled up sleeping as I do some artwork. The type of artwork I am doing is coloring a gigantic coloring poster. I love coloring and enjoy doing it especially when my cat, Billie is curled up on my lap or beside me.

I do not have anything else to talk about nor to write about in this particular blog post except that I hope that I can get some sleep. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Family Drama + Middle of Night + PTSD + Insomnia = Sleepless in Seattle Type of Night

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! Sadly, more family drama has been occurring and this time in the middle of the night. My aunt is upset with me at the moment due to the fact that I will now no longer be paying for her train ticket to go my mom’s funeral at the end of this month. I asked multiple times via phone calls and text messages and she made it clear to me that she “doesn’t need help paying for a stupid train ticket.” So, when I bought mine, I didn’t buy hers. My aunt has been calling me and my other aunt who lives in Texas all night. My aunt in Texas is on my side due to the fact that I offered multiple times and was told “no” multiple times. My aunt in Texas is extremely angry with my other aunt because of being woken up multiple times. In fact my aunt in Texas blocked my other aunt so she could get some sleep. In fact I took my aunt who lives in Texas lead and blocked my other aunt as well. Sadly, my angry aunt called my two uncles and sadly got them involved. One uncle is on my side while the other uncle is upset but thinks I should pay for my aunts train ticket to “keep the peace” even though my aunt has said “no” multiple times but understands why I am not. Sadly, my uncles have now blocked my aunt so they can get some sleep.

Even though I blocked this aunt I am not able to get back to sleep due to insomnia and an increase of PTSD symptoms due to the family drama. Since I am unable to sleep I am cuddling with my cat, Billie. As I cuddle with my cat, Billie, I am reading an awesome book. The book I am reading is Sacrifice by Nikole Knight. Sacrifice is book two in the Fire and Brimstone series by Nikole Knight. I am really enjoying the book. In fact cuddling with my cat, Billie, and reading has been helping with the PTSD symptoms.

I do not have anything else to write about or even to discuss in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you my reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Weekly Check-In

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It is that time again, where I do my weekly check-in. Sadly, the symptoms of my PTSD and depression have been acting up. My anxiety is also acting up. The various symptoms of multiple mental health diagnoses rearing their ugly heads, I have to keep my emotions in check. One of the main emotions I have to keep in check is my anger. For me, I tend to stuff my anger till I do one of two things which are emotionally explode by screaming, yelling and cussing or I self harm. Thankfully, I have not self harmed in over a year. Since my anger has been an issue I know I need to work on, I have been discussing it with my therapist. I had an appointment with my therapist this past Wednesday. I informed her that I feel like my anger has an extremely short fuse. We discussed how the journaling about my anger is helping. We also discussed what I call going back to basics which are eating regularly, staying hydrated and sleeping well. We discussed how challenging the basics can be and how doing the basics can help lengthen the fuse. I am grateful for the practical suggestions as well as the out of the box suggestions my therapist gives to help me with my mental health recovery.

Besides going to therapy this past week, I went to Red Robin with some friends several times this week. I enjoy spending time with friends and I love Red Robin as Red Robin is my favorite restaurant. One of the times I went to Red Robin this week was due to the fact that it was one of my closest friends birthdays and wanted to celebrate her on her birthday. It is always good to spend time with friends and create happy memories at places like Red Robin.

I, of course spent time with my cat, Billie. I love my cat so much and he helps me with my emotions. He is my Emotional Support Animal (ESA) for a reason. I am so grateful that he is my life.

I do not have much else to write about or discuss in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Nightmares = No Sleep In Seattle

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is a few minutes after three o’clock in the morning here in Seattle. I am sadly unable to sleep partly due to insomnia and partly due PTSD. It took me forever and a day to fall asleep and sadly got woken up by a nightmare once I was asleep. Having insomnia and PTSD sucks shit.

I had a challenging time falling asleep due to insomnia as well as some pretty intense trauma responses from PTSD symptoms. I am pretty sure that the trauma response from PTSD symptoms was due to the fact of the family drama last night that I wrote about in my last post.

Since the lack of sleep and waking up from a nightmare due to PTSD symptoms, I realized that I was angry about it all so I ended up journaling. It appears that the journaling is about my anger is helpful for me. I am glad I am taking my therapist’s suggestion regarding writing down my anger as well as calling friends afterwards. In fact, I called one of my closest friends and talked to her at length. I then called my partner, Junior who came over to my place and we talked at great length about everything. I am beyond grateful for my close friend as well as my partner.

In fact Junior is going to stay the rest of the night here at my place to give me moral support. He is helping me color my gigantic giant coloring poster. As we colored my cat, Billie was in my lap. In fact Billie is still in my lap as I write this particular blog post. After I am done writing this particular blog post, I will continue coloring with Junior as my cat, Billie sleeps in my lap.

I do not have anything else to discuss or write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Family Drama + PTSD = A Sh!tty Trauma Response

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! I am currently dealing with some shitty and intense trauma response due to family drama and PTSD symptoms. I am pretty sure the family drama with my aunt is what caused the PTSD symptoms and ultimately the trauma response that I had.

This will be a long post due to it being a long story. As I have posted before, my mom died two days before Thanksgiving Day here in the United States. It’s been extremely challenging for me for many reasons. Sadly, I posted an angry and pain filled post on my Facebook wall under my given name which started some family drama. I apologized many times to many people in my life especially my family. I know I hurt many people and most understand and have forgiven me or at least started to forgive me in their own time and own way except one aunt. That one aunt is the person I offered to pay for their train ticket from Seattle to where my mom’s funeral is going to be which is Olympia at the end of this month. I offered to pay for her train ticket due to her having car issues as well as having some financial issues and wanted to be helpful. My aunt lives in the Bremerton area and could easily take the ferry from Bremerton to Seattle and take the train. So, I have to text back and forth with her a handful of times regarding tickets which leads to the drama this evening.

I texted my aunt about the train tickets close to 8:30 this evening Seattle time. She informed me that she doesn’t need me to pay for her tickets and is unsure if she is going to take the train if she does she will pay for her own. She also stated that she doesn’t respond to phone calls or text after 7:30 unless it is urgent. I texted an apology and let her know that I usually text people after 8:00 due to peoples bedtime routines and that I won’t do it again. She then texted me to next her again tonight which I wasn’t going to do nor will I do now that I know her boundaries. Anyway, this aunt then calls me up and screams at me and has mentioned every thing I have done wrong in her eyes that she heard through the “grapevine” or witnessed yet she hasn’t been in my life very much for various reasons. She brought up so painful shit that I experienced which caused some anger in me as well as an anxiety attack or two. I ended up hanging up on her and blocking her phone number temporarily for my own sanity.

Since my aunt caused so much anger I did what my therapist had suggested and wrote out my anger. I wrote my anger and anxiety in my journal I bought myself for Christmas. So, I wrote six pages in my journal regarding my anger and trauma response regarding my aunt calling and screaming at me. After journaling I reached out to some of my natural support system of friends like my therapist suggested in therapy. I reached out to two friends who were happy to talk with me and I am so grateful for their listening ear.

After journaling and talking with two friends I of course cuddled with my cat, Billie and as I am writing this particular blog post Billie my cat is still cuddling with me. I think after I am done with this particular blog post I will color as I love to color.

I know my mom wouldn’t want all this drama after her death or regarding her funeral. I just wish she was still alive. I miss my mom so very much. I hope she knew how much I loved her even though we didn’t get along at times.

I do not have much more to write about or discuss in this particular blog post except to say I am sorry for posting about my family drama and my anger. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Weekly Check-In

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It is Saturday evening and time to do my weekly check-in. Or at least I am starting my weekly check-in back up with you the reader. Before I do my check-in I want to say Blessed Yule and Happy Solstice. Today is the first day of winter and the shortest day of the year. I am looking forward to tomorrow as it starts being lighter longer. Granted only by a minute or two but I am so looking forward to more light.

This past week has not been the easiest of weeks for me. My depression and Complex-PTSD (C-PTSD) have been acting up so badly that I have been dissociating and isolating. Neither which are good for me or anyone for that matter. To add to the depression and PTSD, I am dealing with grief of my mom’s death on Tuesday, November 26th which was two days before Thanksgiving. Sadly, Christmas Day of this year is one day before the one month mark of my mom’s death. I miss her so very much.

Since I have been isolating this past week, I have been hanging out at home with my beloved senior kitty, Billie. Billie has been helping me so much with dissociation and not doing it. I am so grateful for my cat as he has a calming affect on me and helps me keep my head on straight.

Despite being in a dissociated state for most of the week, I do remember watching a lot of movies. Specifically, I have been watching a lot of Christmas and holiday related movies. I watch Christmas movies that are nostalgic to me and many other people in the world.

Besides watching Christmas and holiday related movies, I have been reading. I specifically have been reading a Christmas book. In fact, I read a Christmas book every holiday season. It is a holiday tradition for me and I really look forward to it every year.

I do not have anything else to check-in or write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

A Romantic Saturday With My Partner

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! I started off the day with my partner showing up to my place to make me a romantic holiday season breakfast. It was the perfect start for a yucky weather day here in Seattle. A type of day that is meant to stay inside all day which my partner, Junior and I have done all day and the weather hasn’t really improved.

After cleaning up after a wonderful holiday season breakfast, my cat Billie joined us for a day of movies. At some point during one of the movies, my cat, Billie decided to go and lay on his cat tree as he looked out the window and Junior and I had some very amazing sex. Junior was gentle as always due to my PTSD and thankfully we didn’t need to stop due to my PTSD.

After Junior and I were done making love we decided to watch some holiday movies that we both love watching. In fact many of the movies we watched were movies we enjoyed watching as children. We reminisced about the movies and how they are nostalgic. Of course, my cat, Billie joined us watching holiday movies once he was done watching the trees blow as it rained outside the window.

As I write this particular blog post, Junior is making the both of some dinner. It smells extremely good and it is making my mouth water. I love Juniors cooking and I wish I could cook as well as he does. I am so grateful to have Junior as my partner. He treats me well and is patient with me which is something that I am extremely appreciative of.

I do not have anything else to write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Being Sleepless In Seattle Sucks Sh!t

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is 3:33 in the morning here in Seattle. I am sadly unable to sleep due to insomnia and PTSD. It is more insomnia that is keeping me awake than PTSD which in a way I am grateful for as PTSD sucks.

Since I am unable to sleep I have been doing a diamond art/painting piece as I listen to holiday music. Specifically, I have been listening to Christmas music. The diamond art that I am currently working on is of a Buddha statue with the words “Let That Shit Go.” I chose this particular diamond art/painting as I finished my Christmas diamond art/painting and I figure that it is the end of the year and the New Year almost here that I need to focus on what shit I need to let go and what shit I need to work on. I hope that once I am finished with this particular diamond art/painting that I will put up somewhere in my apartment to where it will be a part of my meditation practice area. I am really enjoying doing diamond art/painting especially as I listen to music.

Another thing I have been doing is cuddling with my cat, Billie as I read a Christmas book. The book I am reading is called Unholy Night by Seth Grahame-Smith. I am enjoying the book greatly. I am not quite a quarter of the way through the book and I hope I finish it by Christmas. If I’m not then that is okay with me. I really enjoy reading especially when I am cuddling with my cat, Billie.

I do not have anything else that I want to write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader reading my blog I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!