Happy Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day!!! I hope everyone had a nice three day weekend. I didn’t exactly have a three day weekend because I worked today but it felt like I had one.

It felt like I had one because the office was closed which means the drop-in was closed and I didn’t have to see clients. I love my clients but am glad that I was to organize my office and catch up on paper work. My office needed a great deal of organizing and was able to have the time to do it and not to have to worry about getting interrupted by clients or meeting or some sort of other event.

Well, the day was interrupted by an event but it was a planned event. Those of us that went into work today had planned to have potluck bar-be-queue. It was nice to not be rushed through lunch. In fact it was a nice relaxing day at work and I got a great deal done. I got my office organized and started decorating it. I also got caught up on my all so lovely paper work.

I do owe much gratitude to those who paid the ultimate price for my freedom. If it wasn’t for them and all the women and men who fought for my freedom, I wouldn’t have been able to have the holiday to catch up on things at work.   Thank you to all you veterans, and the friends and family who lost loved ones in the wars. I am much grateful for all of you.

Now I am off to another Memorial Day celebration. Have a wonder full Memorial Day. Happy Memorial Day!! Peace out!!

Happy Friday

Happy Friday!!! It’s the start of a three day weekend here in the United States of America (USA). Monday is Memorial Day.  Memorial Day is were we as Americans celebrate and remember those who lost their lives fighting for our freedom.

Freedom that I am grateful for. If it wasn’t for those who lost their lives as well as all the Veteran’s, I wouldn’t be able to have the choice to be in recovery with my mental illness. I would most likely be institutionalized and treated like shit. Because of the men and woman who fought for my freedom and paid the ultimate price I have a choice how my personal recovery looks like.

For me if my own personal recovery is why I am working as a Peer Specialist. In fact I am working on Monday even though I don’t have to. The reason why I am working is because they recently finished a remodel before I started my position and there is a great deal of stuff left in boxes that wasn’t unpacked by the person I replaced as well as by the person the recently left the job. So, I am cleaning up my office as well as catching up on notes. Technically, the office is closed so a lot of clinicians go into work to catch up paper work when there are no clients coming in. If we take the day off, the agency automatically takes out PTO hours which sucks but its a good day to catch up on things like paper work and organizing. The good thing about working on a holiday is I get to sleep in.

Memorial Day isn’t about sleeping in even though its a plus. It’s about remembering those who paid the ultimate price for my freedom. My freedom to be in recovery and to be able to work.

As I end this blog entry, I ask that each one of you take moment of silence to remember those who fought for our freedom. Have a wonderful weekend and Happy Memorial Day. Peace Out all!!

Daily Prompt: The Normal

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “The Normal.” Is being “normal” — whatever that means to you — a good thing, or a bad thing? Neither?

As you can tell, the past daily prompt I chose to do is about “normal” and whatever it means to me. Before I get to what “normal” means to me, I would like to give you the definition of “normal.” The definition of “Normal” according to Merriam-Webster Dictionary is: Adjective; usual or ordinary; not strange; mentally or physically healthy. According to the definition, I am not “normal” because I am not mentally healthy or at least that’s what I understand it to mean due to the fact of have a mental illness.

I see the definition of “Normal” to be what society thinks on how a person should look or act depending on age, trends and so on. An example of this particular definition of mine is: As a 37 year old woman, I should have at least a four year college education if not already having a Masters Degree or at least be working one by now. As 37 year old woman society says I should be married to the person I love and have children. I say that’s bullshit because society is not who says what “Normal” is. One normal is for me, may not be normal for me.

For me my “normal” is being able to work, weather its part time or full time. Granted I am working full time at the moment and realize that there might be a time in my life where I might need to work part time if I am struggling in a bad way with my mental illness. Another thing that is “normal” for me is seeking mental health services to maintain my recovery. I am sure as time goes on I won’t need as many mental health services as I do now and that will be my “normal” when it happens. “Normal” is always changing or at least that’s how I view it.

I also inform people that “normal” is a fantasy or that there is no such thing as “normal.” Some people say that “normal” is a setting on a dryer. “Normal” is defined by everyone differently so for me “normal” is neither good or bad, its what you view “normal” to be for you and only you.

Well, I best be going. I really need to go and eat something. For me eating regularly is “normal” and is a form of good self care. Have a good evening everyone. Peace Out!!

Celebrating Three Years

Happy Earth Day!!! Today marks three years since Junior and myself starting dating. Who knew that when Junior and myself met fifteen and a half years ago that we would be engaged to be married.

I of course don’t remember the first time we met. The first time we met was one of the darkest times in my life. I had attempted suicide and a housemate had found me and called 911. Junior happened be one of the first responders that responded to the 911 call of my attempted suicide. As much as I was pissed off that I was saved that particular time and many other times, I am now grateful that my life was saved.

If my life wasn’t saved from the multiple suicide attempts, Junior and I wouldn’t be on a romantic get away to celebrate our three year anniversary. Celebrating my three year anniversary with Junior is another positive sign of me being in recovery with a mental illness.

Being in recovery is awesome and am happy to be celebrating three years with Junior. Junior and I left on our get away when I got off from work. We are celebrating out of town in hotel on the waterfront of a navel town. The first thing we did when we checked into our room we had tested out our jetted tub. We had some very intense and enjoyable adult fun in the tub which continued for another couple hours and ended in our nice king size bed. We then cuddled for another hour before we went out for dinner. After dinner we came back to the hotel and had more pleasure moments.

Now we are watching television as we cuddle and I blog. This getaway is much needed for the both of us and am looking forward to spending some quality time with Junior. I am sure we won’t be leaving the hotel room much due to having multiple and/or continued pleasurable moments.

Speaking of quality time, I think I should be going so I can spend time with Junior. Have a wonderful weekend everyone and Peace Out.

Thrown to the Wolves but Not Eaten by Them

Good Evening!! It’s been a month today since I started my new position as a peer specialist at work and I am still loving it. It’s been quite a month for a number of reasons.

When my supervisor informed me that he was throwing me to the wolves he thought it was only for my first week and not for my first month and beyond. A colleague  went on an  unexpected leave. A leave my supervisor was shocked as hell about and went to bat for him so he would be able to return to work. Thankfully, this colleague came back yesterday (Wednesday) and felt bad for leaving myself and my other colleague out of loop and out for so long. We may not know exactly why he was out but we understand more than others because of being Peer Specialist.

I am loving  my new position. It is quite challenging at times. Then there are times where it is fun and full of laughter. For instance today, I was called a butt loud names by client who is not doing so well and on the other end of the spectrum, I was able to joke and laugh with another client. I am learning to take things in stride as they come my way, weather is insults or laughter.

My new position can be stressful at times which leads me to the training I was able to attend called Mindfulness as Self-Care which was held by the crisis clinic. I was able to attend because of being a Warm Line call taker and the Warm Line is under the umbrella of the Crisis Clinic.

The training obviously was on Mindfulness as Self-Care. It was geared toward those of us who work in the mental health  field. It focused on mindfulness skills. Part of the training also gave some back history as well. Some of the history included the focus of how various religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism focus on mindfulness and how it is a major skill taught in Dialectal Behavior Therapy (DBT).  The training gave me some new ways to be mindful and more tools to add to my toolbox.

I am looking forward till tomorrow. Tomorrow in my three year anniversary with Junior. It’s difficult to wrap my mind around that Junior and I have been together for three years.  After I get off work tomorrow, we are going to go on a romantic get away for the weekend. It is a much needed get away for the both of us.

Well, I need to get going. I hope to blog again at some point this weekend. I am tired and think it is time for me to go to bed. Have a good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite.

Long Time No Blog

Good Evening!!! It’s been a while since I last blogged. I have been busy getting adjusted to working full time as a Peer Specialist. I am loving my new position as a Peer Specialist. Despite being short staff for various reasons, I am slowly but surely getting adjusted to the new job.

Adjustment to anything new takes some time. For me the biggest adjustment is getting use to working full time especially since I was working part time for the previous eleven years. Another thing I am getting adjusted to is making time for myself.

I am realizing that I am needing to make time for myself. Taking time for myself has never been an easy thing for me to do but it is something I am learning how to do. Thankfully, I have people who are willing to help me learn to take time for myself.

I need to be going. I need to start dinner for Junior and myself. I hope to blog later this week. Have a wonderful week and Peace Out!!

New Job & The Anxiety Of The Unknown

Good Evening, everyone!! Its been a couple of weeks since I last blogged. A great deal has happened in the last two weeks.

As I mentioned in my last two post I had an interview for a full time job as a Peer Specialist position at my current employer. I ended up having a second interview this past Wednesday (March 9th). The second interview went better than the first interview despite having more interviewers than the first one.

Apparently, both interviews went so well that I was offered the job this past Friday (March 11th). I of course accepted the position. In fact I am surprised as hell that I got the job in less than three weeks since today marks three weeks since I applied for the job.

I have a great deal of anxiety when it comes to this job. I will be working full time verses part time. I have been in the work force for nearly eleven years now but I have only worked part time the entire time. I also know that I will loose what little disability benefits I am still able to get. This makes me anxious because I fear the possibility of my mental illness acting up. I am also anxious about loosing the mental health services I get at the agency I seek treatment at. I finally have a therapist that I work well with and have had her for seven and a half years now. I know I’m anxious and fearful of the what is unknown at the moment because I need to seek clarification from my new supervisor as well as my therapist. I will be able to email and possibly talk with my new supervisor tomorrow and I see my therapist on Wednesday. Its just a matter of getting my questions answered from my new supervisor. One of those questions is when my first day will be. I’m not sure if it will be the 23rd or the 28th.

I may be anxious of the unknown but I know my therapist will make sure I will be able to seek service’s somewhere because she is just as invested in my recovery process as I am. If it wasn’t for the work Diana (my therapist) and I have done with my recovery I wouldn’t have been able to get my current position as a Consumer Aide much less my new position as a Peer Specialist. Who knew with all the work I’ve done in my recovery with Diana’s help that I would be able to work full time. I know Diana will make sure I will still be able to continue getting the help I need to be able to stay in recovery.

My recovery means the world to me. If it wasn’t for me being in recovery I wouldn’t have been able to get the job as a Peer Specialist with my current employer. I am looking forward to being able to work full time even with the anxiety that goes along with it. Recovery is possible. It looks differently for everyone but this is what my recovery looks like.

Sadly, I will be turning in my resignation letter to my current supervisor tomorrow. I will miss working with the clients I currently work with but know that I will see them from time to time since I will be still employed at the same agency I am working at now. In fact my new position as Peer Specialist is a promotion from my current position as a Consumer Aide.

I should call it an evening. I need to fix some dinner for myself and Junior. Junior is quite proud of me. I think I might even be proud of myself. Well, have a great Sunday evening everyone. I hope to keep you updated as time goes on. I also know that the anxiety will go down as will. Again, have a wonderful Sunday evening and Peace Out!!


Elusive as of Lately

It’s been a while since I last blogged and it’s obvious that I’ve been elusive as of lately. I’ve been elusive for various reasons.

If you are a regular reader of my blog you know that my depression has been rearing its ugly head due to the two miscarriages I have. One back in November of 2013 and the other back in January of 2015. It hasn’t been the easiest of times for me and unfortunately, I didn’t complete the Writing 201 course that I signed up for and was looking forward to doing it. Loss of a child is one of the toughest if not the toughest thing a person can go through.

Talking through the pain of loosing two sets of twins with my therapist, Diana, has not been easiest things to do. While discussing the miscarriages with Diana , she realized how close I was to actually attempting suicide and how I lost all hope as well as loosing all the goals I had set for myself. Diana being quite concerned considered putting me back in the hospital but realized that if she did it wouldn’t be helpful to me or my recovery. That’s when thought to ask the question many people dread, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” My response was “I can’t even focus on the next five minutes much less the next five years.” Diana response was, “I know its difficult to look beyond the next five minutes much less the next five years. I would like for us to focus on your goals because it appears to from my end that you have lost sight of your goals. Goals that mean a great deal to you.” There was no point in arguing this point with Diana due to the fact that it was spot on and completely true. Not only that it’s difficult to argue with someone who is just as stubborn as you are and you know that the person is right on with what they said. With all that being said leads to the other reason why I have been so elusive.

What Diana had said to me had me thinking hard. Hard about my future and where I want my life to be. It still might be difficult for me see where I will be in five years but it did get me to refocus. It got me to focus on my career. A career as a Peer Specialist. If you been reading my blog for a while you know that I am currently employed as a Consumer Aide at a mental health agency. You also know that I got the job to gain “paid experience” to be able to get a job as a peer specialist. Well, I’ve been a Consumer Aide, a week shy of a year and a half and decided that I will start looking a Peer Specialist positions. In fact a week and half ago, a Peer position came available with a clinical team at the agency I work for. I applied for it and ended up interviewing for it this past Thursday (February 25, 2016). I personally  don’t think the interview went all that well and wont find out if I got the job or not for two or three weeks. Which actually means about four to six weeks because the hiring process is so slow at the agency I work for. I am looking at applying to more peer position within the agency I work for as well as outside the agency.

I am hoping that I will be more diligent and less elusive when in comes to my blogging. I really doing enjoy blogging. Not only do I enjoy the writing part of blogging but reading other peoples blogs.

As, I end this particular post, I want wish you a good rest of your weekend. Please go out and enjoy the world or attempt to enjoy the world to the best of your ability. Have a good Sunday and Peace Out!!!

Writing 201: Finding Your Story; Day One: What’s Your Angle

As many of you are well aware of I am taking yet another WordPress course. It starts today and todays assignment is on what my angle is. Like many other courses I have taken it is how one interprets the assignment on how that person does the assignment. Or at least that is my understanding. The following is my first assignment:

What’s my angle? My angle has always been geared toward sharing my story with recovery with the mental illness I struggle with. I have done this to help educate others who do not struggle mental illness as well as to give others hope that recovery is possible for those of us who struggle with mental illness. Don’t worry, this is still going to be a part of my angle, I have just recently added more angles to my blog.

I have realized over the last year, that people don’t really discuss (or write about) miscarriage and the pain that comes along with it or how to deal with the grief and loss one experience’s when they have a miscarriage. So, I am adding a couple of more angles to my blog. They are to share my journey through my grief and loss with my both my miscarriages. That means the added angles to my blog are miscarriage and grief and loss.

On a side note for those who are new to reading my blog I miscarried January of last year (2015). I miscarried my second set of twins in fourteen months.  Over the last year I have struggled greatly with both miscarriages and realized no one ever talks about grief and loss and how to deal with it or even miscarriage.

Now that you are now aware of what my new added angles are, I am going to end this post in a moment. I am grateful that I was able to take my lunch break today. Most importantly I am grateful I haven’t been called back early so I could do todays assignment. Well, I need to get back to work. Have a wonderful day. Most importantly have a great work week. Peace out!!!

Weekly Goals

It has bee quite some time since I last did weekly goals. I have  missed doing them. The weekly goals gives me something to shoot for, for the week. I am going to just start anew with my weekly goals.

Lets start with the more difficult stuff:

1)  Work on a self-help workbook; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, PhD., Jeffery C. Wood, PSY.D., and Jeffrey Brantley, MD. I thought I would be finished with this workbook by now however I will start it back up. It will also give me the structure I need on days I don’t have much or any structure at all.

2) See my therapist. I see my therapist on Wednesday (2/3/2016). Therapy is always difficult.

Now on to blogging stuff:

3) Start Writing 201: Finding Your Story. I love taking the courses WordPress puts on. It gives me a sense of structure on days I don’t have much or any structure at all.

4) Start my Friday Feature back up this Friday (2/5/2016).

Now on to fun stuff :

5) Work on jigsaw puzzle. Junior and I started a 2,000 piece holiday puzzle we got for Christmas.

6)  Color. I color various coloring pages and posters at a time. I am focusing on one in particular at the moment.

7) Walk up ten(10) flights of stairs twice everyday. Yes, I still have my apartment even though I spend the majority of time over at Juniors place. The apartment building I live in is ten(10) stories and I am practicing to do the next Big Climb which is in January of 2017. It is a fundraiser where people climb up 50+ flights of stairs. It might not sound fun at the moment but am looking forward to it.

I am happy to be getting back into the swing of things. I am thankful to be apart of this blogging event over at: http://greenembe.rs/category/building-rome-2/. Happy Monday and have a wonderful work week! Peace Out!