Good Morning!!! It is that time of week to do my weekly check-in. It has been quite a week.
My week started out with me needing to go to the Emergency Room (ER) because I had flu like symptoms. I vomited and had diarrhea multiple times within a two hour time period. Since I am prone to dehydration I went to the E.R. The doctors told me that it wasn’t a food born illness nor the flu but “flu-like illness.” Whatever the hell “flu-like illness” means. I unfortunately, had to miss work on Monday.
My work week went about as “normal” as it can be working in the mental health field. We did have a flood at work due to a broken pipe which was kind of funny for a multitude of reasons. I wish I could tell you more about the flood and why it was so funny but I cannot because it would violate HIPPA laws and I want to protect my clients privacy.
I took a planned day off on yesterday (Friday) so I could be able to see my therapist. My session with Diana didn’t go to well. I pretty much yelled at her most of the time due to the fact of the lack of communication on her part and how I wasn’t feeling supported by her. I know yelling at your therapist isn’t the wisest of choices. I guess, I was and am frustrated that my therapist isn’t doing what I think she should be doing to help me. Plus, I felt like she wasn’t picking up on the fact that I was wanting to discuss my grief and loss with the miscarriages. I also know that it doesn’t help that she works part time and I work full time. Which is why I wish she would try to check-in with me a little be more. It is something I have emailed her about and am hoping she follows through. Diana has helped me a great deal. If it wasn’t for her help over that last seven and a half years, I wouldn’t be working as a Peer Specialist. So, I do owe Diana a lot since she has helped me a lot.
Thank you for reading. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Peace Out!!!
Good Evening or should I say Happy Friday!!! It is finally the end of a long and stressful work week. Don’t get me wrong I love my job it just was a long week at work.
As you may know that this week was suppose to be a “short” week because of the three day weekend but I went into work on Memorial Day to clean up a messy office that I acquired from my predecessors as well as catching up on the all so lovely paper work that is nesasary as peer specialist. Not to mention that the lovely paper work is required by the state and federal government as well as the lovely insurance companies that pay for clients to seek services. Well, back on topic of work and the stress that goes with being a peer specialist. Besides paper work, myself and my colleagues were informed of three client deaths. I of course can’t say anymore about the client deaths due to HIPPA. It is not easy to hear about a clients death especially multiple in a week.
Hearing about the clients deaths brought up my own grief and loss issues. Not just over loosing clients but that of the miscarriages I have dealt with. It is still quite difficult dealing with the miscarriage loss’s. Loosing a child(ren) is the toughest thing a person can deal with. So tough at times that at the moment I rather change the subject.
So let go on to the subject of earlier this evening. After work I went and got my second tattoo. I got a butterfly tattoo. I hope to blog more about it tomorrow with a picture or two. Getting the tattoo was quite relaxing and am grateful that I got it. So far the people who have seen the tattoo like it.
I hope to blog more about my tattoo tomorrow (Saturday) morning. Have a great weekend everyone. Peace out!!
It’s been a while since I last blogged and it’s obvious that I’ve been elusive as of lately. I’ve been elusive for various reasons.
If you are a regular reader of my blog you know that my depression has been rearing its ugly head due to the two miscarriages I have. One back in November of 2013 and the other back in January of 2015. It hasn’t been the easiest of times for me and unfortunately, I didn’t complete the Writing 201 course that I signed up for and was looking forward to doing it. Loss of a child is one of the toughest if not the toughest thing a person can go through.
Talking through the pain of loosing two sets of twins with my therapist, Diana, has not been easiest things to do. While discussing the miscarriages with Diana , she realized how close I was to actually attempting suicide and how I lost all hope as well as loosing all the goals I had set for myself. Diana being quite concerned considered putting me back in the hospital but realized that if she did it wouldn’t be helpful to me or my recovery. That’s when thought to ask the question many people dread, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” My response was “I can’t even focus on the next five minutes much less the next five years.” Diana response was, “I know its difficult to look beyond the next five minutes much less the next five years. I would like for us to focus on your goals because it appears to from my end that you have lost sight of your goals. Goals that mean a great deal to you.” There was no point in arguing this point with Diana due to the fact that it was spot on and completely true. Not only that it’s difficult to argue with someone who is just as stubborn as you are and you know that the person is right on with what they said. With all that being said leads to the other reason why I have been so elusive.
What Diana had said to me had me thinking hard. Hard about my future and where I want my life to be. It still might be difficult for me see where I will be in five years but it did get me to refocus. It got me to focus on my career. A career as a Peer Specialist. If you been reading my blog for a while you know that I am currently employed as a Consumer Aide at a mental health agency. You also know that I got the job to gain “paid experience” to be able to get a job as a peer specialist. Well, I’ve been a Consumer Aide, a week shy of a year and a half and decided that I will start looking a Peer Specialist positions. In fact a week and half ago, a Peer position came available with a clinical team at the agency I work for. I applied for it and ended up interviewing for it this past Thursday (February 25, 2016). I personally don’t think the interview went all that well and wont find out if I got the job or not for two or three weeks. Which actually means about four to six weeks because the hiring process is so slow at the agency I work for. I am looking at applying to more peer position within the agency I work for as well as outside the agency.
I am hoping that I will be more diligent and less elusive when in comes to my blogging. I really doing enjoy blogging. Not only do I enjoy the writing part of blogging but reading other peoples blogs.
As, I end this particular post, I want wish you a good rest of your weekend. Please go out and enjoy the world or attempt to enjoy the world to the best of your ability. Have a good Sunday and Peace Out!!!
Apparently, this WordPress course is more of a workshop style and we will be getting weekly assignments so we can work on them over a course of a week. I like this idea. It will give me time to work on the assignments and exactly what I want to write about. I personally will attempt to write and post it daily because it will give me more focus of what exactly I will be working on.
Sometimes it’s that focus I need on a specific topic to help me create a better blog. That is why I am doing this course. Creating a better blog to gain more readers so I can educate others about mental illness and show those struggling with mental illness, grief and loss as well as miscarriage loss that they are not alone.
I hate to do this but I need to finish getting ready for work and end this post for now. Have a wonderful day everyone. I hope to blog again this evening. Peace Out!!!
As many of you are well aware of I am taking yet another WordPress course. It starts today and todays assignment is on what my angle is. Like many other courses I have taken it is how one interprets the assignment on how that person does the assignment. Or at least that is my understanding. The following is my first assignment:
What’s my angle? My angle has always been geared toward sharing my story with recovery with the mental illness I struggle with. I have done this to help educate others who do not struggle mental illness as well as to give others hope that recovery is possible for those of us who struggle with mental illness. Don’t worry, this is still going to be a part of my angle, I have just recently added more angles to my blog.
I have realized over the last year, that people don’t really discuss (or write about) miscarriage and the pain that comes along with it or how to deal with the grief and loss one experience’s when they have a miscarriage. So, I am adding a couple of more angles to my blog. They are to share my journey through my grief and loss with my both my miscarriages. That means the added angles to my blog are miscarriage and grief and loss.
On a side note for those who are new to reading my blog I miscarried January of last year (2015). I miscarried my second set of twins in fourteen months. Over the last year I have struggled greatly with both miscarriages and realized no one ever talks about grief and loss and how to deal with it or even miscarriage.
Now that you are now aware of what my new added angles are, I am going to end this post in a moment. I am grateful that I was able to take my lunch break today. Most importantly I am grateful I haven’t been called back early so I could do todays assignment. Well, I need to get back to work. Have a wonderful day. Most importantly have a great work week. Peace out!!!
At this moment in time I am struggling. I am struggling with the loss of the two sets of twins I miscarried. If you regularly read my blog you know that I miscarried twice within fourteen month of each other. The first being November of 2013 and the second being January of last year (2015).
Miscarriage is something of a taboo. A taboo that needs to be spoken about more and often. Many out there don’t realize how difficult it is to loose a child to miscarriage. People naturally assume “that it’s easier to get over because you never met the child.” Well, I am sorry to say but I can argue the opposite and say it makes that much more difficult but I don’t because loosing a child, no matter how, is the most difficult thing a person can go through. It hurts when I hear comments like the one mentioned above because I heard my babies heart beats and felt them kick. I had a connection with them. A connection only myself and the father, Junior, had with them (and maybe my OBGYN and Doula).
As I sit here typing about my losses, I realize I have tears rolling down my face wishing that it wasn’t so difficult to discuss the loss. I find it difficult to discuss the miscarriage because it is never really discussed about due to being it a taboo. I just cant comprehend why miscarriages (or even stillborn children) is such a taboo topic to discuss.
It is my hope that as I blog about my experiences with mental illness, miscarriage and other things that whatever is considered taboo will be come less of a taboo. As I end this particular post I want to thank you for reading. Have a wonderful weekend and peace out!!
It is the last day of 2015. Actually there is four hours left of 2015 and have been wanting the year to be over with since Monday, January 12, 2015. 2015 has not been the best of years for me.
It hasn’t been the best of years for me for a multitude of reasons. The main reason is that I miscarried a set of twins on Monday, January 12, 2015. It was an extremely tough loss. In fact it still is. Loosing a child is the most difficult thing a person can experience. I say this because its true. It’s even more difficult than the on going abuse that I suffered as a child. Some people might disagree with the previous sentence and I am okay with that. I’m okay with people disagree with my sentence because they cant argue with my experience and how difficult it is for me because they haven’t lived my life.
As I look back on 2015, I realize it might have been one of the most difficult years I have lived but I have a great deal to be grateful for. I have a job that I love. I have people who love and care about me even if I feel like I do not deserve it. Most importantly, I am engaged to a wonderful man who loves me with all his heart. Having a supportive man like Junior in my life has been quite helpful with my recovery.
As I end my last post of 2015, I want to thank you for reading and/or following my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I wish each one of you a very Happy New Year and may 2016 bring you all that you desire and dream. Be safe out there as you bring in the New Year. Please don’t drink and drive. AND GO TO HELL 2015!!!!
Good morning!!! It has been quite some time since I have blogged. I have been struggling a great deal with not only my depression but the grief and loss of the miscarriage I suffered at the beginning of this year. Unfortunately, the grief & loss triggered a major onset of my depression symptoms.
It is because my symptoms are getting worse and the sorrow of the miscarriage not lifting that my therapist and I are going to start working on grief. We are going to be reading the book On Grief & Grieving: Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D & David Kessler. I am still hesitant. I am hesitant because I am afraid if work on my grief or accept that the miscarriage happen that I am going to forget my babies. I am hoping that the book that my therapist and I read and discuss on grief will help. I feel like I am all alone. After I read the book On Grief & Grieving I am hoping that if it helps that I can find a book specific to grief on miscarriage. If any of you have suggestions it would be much appreciated.
Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend!! Peace Out!!
Sitting in the lobby of my therapist with my legs shaking and tears flowing down my cheeks. The admin assistant brings me my stuffed Eeyore (that my therapist holds on to for me for our sessions) and a box of Kleenex. I whisper “Thank you,” as I think to myself, “everyone must know now. She (the admin assistant) has that pity look.”
Laying on the gurney in the E.R with Junior sitting by my side, holding my hand. The doctor and nurse come into the tiny E.R room with a look on their faces that no future parents want to see. Unfortunately, we have seen that look before. The doctor confirmed the look when she said, “We have to take you immediately to the maternity floor. You are experiencing another miscarriage. You will be having a procedure done called Dilation and Curettage also known as a D & C. With your previous miscarriage and being so far along, we feel it is best that you have a D & C for your health.” As I emotionally shut down, Junior started to shed tears for the loss of our second set of twins.
Tears were finally flowing down my face the moment I stepped into the lobby of my therapist office. I arrived 45 minutes early and was informed by the admin assistant that I would be able to see Diana in 15 minutes. Those 15 minutes were extremely long but when Diana came out me to take me back to the office to have our session, I sobbed. I sobbed out what I needed to the moment I found out I had miscarried again.
To this day, I still shed tears and even sob over the loss of my babies. I cry over both sets of twins I miscarried. Crying in which I find difficult to so. Even though I find it difficult to cry, I find it therapeutic when I do so especially over the loss of my children.
Many people across The United States and the world remember where they were when they heard the news of the terrorist attacks. It is something that we will remember for the rest of our lives. Many people like myself sat with loved ones and close friends glued the television for hours, wondering who would hate us so much to kill thousands of innocent people.
Fourteen years later I can’t help but think about those lives lost and the grieving families. I just hope those grieving families can feel the love from those across America and around the world.
As I end this post please take a moment of silence to remember all those who lost their lives.