No Sleep in Seattle

Good Morning, World!!! I am having issues sleeping once again. Which should be no surprise to anyone who reads my blog on the regular basis. Sleep hasn’t come easy for as of lately and it is starting to frustrate the hell out of me.

As frustrating as not being able to sleep is for me, I have come up with creative ways to keep myself busy. One of those ways is looking at potential tattoos I would like to get. For me the tattoos I get represent hope and/or recovery. I want the tattoos I get to not only give me hope and represent recovery but to give others hope as well.

Not only have I been looking at potential tattoos, I have been working on my mindfulness workbook. The chapter I am on is discussing spaciousness, compassion and mindfulness. The part I am having trouble with is having compassion for myself. I can have compassion for others but find it difficult for myself.

I think once I am done blogging I’ll read. I am eager to finish the books I am reading. In fact the book I am reading is a really good book and I am enjoying it immensely.

Thank you for reading. Have good rest of your night. Peace Out, World!!!

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SNL + Wonder Woman = Reduced Anxiety

Hello, World!!! At this moment in time I am watching Saturday Night Live (SNL). For me SNL helps me with my anxiety. Tonight the anxiety is involving money and my taxes. I am worried it is going to get lost in the mail. I should have had it directly deposited into my account but I didn’t.

Besides watching SNL, I plan on reading Wonder Woman comic books. Wonder Woman my be a fictional character but she is a sign of strength for me. She is so much of a symbol of strength for me that I am thinking about getting a Wonder Woman tattoo.

I should get going and watch SNL. Have a great night. Peace Out, World!!!

Photo 1; Day 4: Bliss

Today’s topic was a little more difficult to do as I already talked about what gives me bliss and that is water. So I decided I would show you my tattoos again and what they mean to me.

1030151853The above picture is that of my semi-colon tattoo. For those who are site impaired it has a black out line and filled in with purple. It is on my inner wrist. I got this tattoo as reminder on how far I have come in my recovery and on what NOT to do when things get tough. That is to self-harm and/or attempt suicide.

IMG_0001The above picture is that of a tattoo of a butterfly. Its a doily, lacey type looking butterfly that is black outlined and no color. It is on my upper arm/shoulder and the butterfly resembles hope for me. It reminds me that through the darkness the butterfly goes through as caterpillar there becomes a beautiful being of a butterfly. So it resembles beauty through the darkness and hope.

Thank you for reading. Have a good work week everyone. Peace Out, World!!!

Everyday Inspiration; Day 7: Let Social Media Inspire You

Today’s assignment for Finding Everyday Inspiration is to let social media inspire me. WordPress gave about a handful of tweets to choose from, so I decided to choose the one above. I fear that what I might say about the tweet above, may came across as and if it does, that’s not my attention.

First and fore most, I’m not sure why the person who tweeted the above tweet deleted tweet to make a decision that should never get a tattoo. Maybe its because of moral reasons. Maybe she has seen tattoos that weren’t the wisest of choices or tattoos that didn’t come out correctly and whatever the reason why she chooses to not get at tattoo, I find her comment judgmental even if that wasn’t her intention of doing so.

I know for me, I made the decision to get tattoo’s. I only have two tattoo’s and have thought long hard on what tattoo’s I want to have. They are something that will be on your body till the day you die. My tattoo’s have meaning for me and both are related to my recovery.

My first tattoo is a semicolon. My semicolon tattoo is a reminder have far I come in my recovery. It’s also a reminder to me that when things get tough, that my story isn’t over yet. It reminds me to carry on with my life no matter how difficult life is at times.

The second tattoo is that of a butterfly. I’m wanted a butterfly tattoo since I was sixteen years old and didn’t find the right butterfly for me till I was thirty-seven and got it as birthday present to for myself. I got the butterfly tattoo as it is a symbol of hope for me. It represents hope for me because the butterfly has to go through some difficult times of being in a dark and lonely place to become a butterfly. For me a butterfly represent the hope I have as well as all the difficult work I have put into my recovery.

Yes, I am planning on getting more tattoo’s Its matter of what exactly I want. I do want the word Hope tattooed on my right wrist. It’s just I have to make sure I find the right font and design I want.

I want to thank you for reading my blog. I greatly appreciate you my reader and/or follower. I hope to blog later this evening about the town hall I will be attending today. It’s the town hall I discussed in my last post Have a great Hump Day (Wednesday). Just think that day is half over with. Go out and make someone’s day bye giving someone a smile and simple hello. It could save a person’s life!!! Peace Out, World!!!

Fighting With Myself

I’m fighting within myself. Fighting against the old behavior creepy back in (as mentioned in my last post). Fighting against urges to self-harm. Fighting to stay alive.

A fight I feel all alone in yet I’m not fighting alone. I’m not fighting this alone because I have a partner that loves me and friends that care about me that are by my side. Having people in my life that are helping me fight this fight is what is helping me make the limited good choices I am making in my life. Choices that I wish were easy for me to make but are difficult to do so due to the fact my symptoms are high.

As I deal with difficulties with my symptoms I realize that there are only so much Junior and the rest of my natural supports are able to do. I feel like I am burden to them and my treatment team even though I’m sure I am not a burden to them. I just don’t want to be in constant crisis or have those closest to me worry about me regarding weather or not I’m going to act on urges to self-harm.

Speaking of safety and urges to self-harm, I want to make you aware that if I was going to act on those urges, I would be taking myself to the Emergency Room (E.R) instead of blogging about it.  Yes, I might blog about having urges to self-harm and maybe even blog about acting on self-harm urges but I will never put you my reader (or even WordPress) in a place to where you feel the need to contact someone (WordPress, the police, fire department, etc.) because you fear I might be a danger to myself. If I am ever a danger to myself, I promise I will go to an E.R or call 911 and not put that responsibility on you or the folks at WordPress. Currently, I am NOT a danger to myself and won’t harm myself in any way.

Since you my reader know that I won’t put the burden of needing to contact someone due being a danger to myself, lets get back to the topic at hand. The topic of fighting with myself and those who are helping with that fight. In fact one of those people who are helping with the fight is Junior. The way he is helping me fight the fight is he is making me a late lunch. I really haven’t been eating much lately and since food is the key to being healthy, Junior is making me a late lunch. He is a great cook. Not exactly sure what Junior is making me but I am pretty sure it will be good.

With people like Junior in my life helping fight this fight to get better gives me some hope. Not much hope but some. Enough to give me the strength to carry on. Part of recovery is having hope even if its the slightest hope. Sometime that hope comes from the love of a partner or caring friends or a tattoo. Yes, I said tattoo in giving me hope.

I currently have two tattoo’s. Both of my tattoo’s are related to my recovery and give me hope. My semi-colon tattoo is reminder that my story isn’t over yet. My butterfly is a reminder of no matter how dark things are at the moment things will become beautiful again. The butterfly is also a symbol of hope that not matter how dark things are, things will get better. So, yes my tattoo’s give me hope and help me fight the fight.

Another thing that is helping fight off the urges of self-harm and other old behaviors is music. Music is the one thing that has helped me throughout my life. Music has always given me hope. A hope to carry on.

Even though I have some hope, I am getting sick of fighting off the old behavior, self-harm urges and the symptoms of Depression and PTSD. I hope that the food Junior is done making for me will help me fight the fight when I am finished eating it.

Yes, that means I should get going so I can get something to eat. Hopefully, the food helps even just a little. I will keep you updated on how things are. If I am unable to do so then Mama Bear and/or Junior will post on how I am doing. I hope that everyone has a good day. Don’t forget to take the time to appreciate the folks you have in your life. I know I appreciate Junior and my friends as they have been a major support to me especially in recent months. Peace out!!!

(SIDE NOTE: I’m NOT currently as risk of self-harming despite having urges to do so. I’m NOT currently suicidal.)

Tattoo of Hope

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Good Morning!! I hope everyone is having a good weekend. If you regularly read my blog you know that I got a new tattoo yesterday. In fact the tattoo I got yesterday evening is pictured above.

I have wanted to get a butterfly tattoo for several years now for several reasons. The main reason is that a butterfly is a sign of hope. Hope that all the struggles one goes through that beauty is on the other side. Think of the caterpillar and the darkness it goes through when it is in a cocoon and out from the cocoon the beauty of the butterfly emerges.

This is how I view recovery. Not just my recovery but other’s recovery. Knowing that the beauty of recovery looks differently  to each person and each person is in recovery from different issues.

For me my recovery is from a mental illness and cutting as well as eating disorders. Granted I have been in recovery from the eating disorders longer than my mental health issues but it is still recovery. I also am in recovery from cutting.

As you can see in the picture, I have scars from the cutting and that the butterfly covers up some of those scars. Scars that may look fresh but are not.  I purposely had the butterfly placed where it is because I wanted to show the beauty of what recovery looks like despite the scars I have, both visible and invisible to the eye.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate each and everyone of you and hope that what I blog about has meaning to someone just like my both my tattoos have meaning to me. Have a great weekend and peace out.

Weekly Check-In

Good Evening or should I say Happy Friday!!! It is finally the end of a long and stressful work week. Don’t get me wrong I love my job it just was a long week at work.

As you may know that this week was suppose to be a “short” week because of the three day weekend but I went into work on Memorial Day to clean up a messy office that I acquired from my predecessors as well as catching up on the all so lovely paper work that is nesasary as peer specialist. Not to mention that the lovely paper work is required by the state and federal government as well as the lovely insurance companies that pay for clients to seek services. Well, back on topic of work and the stress that goes with being a peer specialist. Besides paper work, myself and my colleagues were informed of three client deaths. I of course can’t say anymore about the client deaths due to HIPPA. It is not easy to hear about a clients death especially multiple in a week.

Hearing about the clients deaths brought up my own grief and loss issues. Not just over loosing clients but that of the miscarriages I have dealt with. It is still quite difficult dealing with the miscarriage loss’s. Loosing a child(ren) is the toughest thing a person can deal with. So tough at times that at the moment I rather change the subject.

So let go on to the subject of earlier this evening. After work I went and got my second tattoo. I got a butterfly tattoo. I hope to blog more about it tomorrow with a picture or two. Getting the tattoo was quite relaxing and am grateful that I got it. So far the people who have seen the tattoo like it.

I hope to blog more about my tattoo tomorrow (Saturday) morning. Have a great weekend everyone. Peace out!!