Tag Archives: Depression

Not So Good Mental Health Day

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! Today has been one of those not so good days in regards to my mental health symptoms. A day where I have experienced extreme loneliness as well as isolation. Of course some of the isolation is a protective fact so I don’t have an emotional outburst on anyone.

I just wish my depression and dissociation wasn’t acting up so bad. To make matters worse my voices are screaming at the moment. At least I am not suicidal nor do I have urges to self harm and that is always a plus.

My cat, Lil Gertie has been helping me a great deal. She has been been at my side or on my lap the entire day or at least in my waking moments. I have been sleeping a great deal today. Maybe because of the lack of sleep last night or because of the depression or maybe a combination of both. My music has been playing nonstop as it helps a great deal with the voices. I have also been doing a lot of art today. Mainly I have been coloring but I have done other forms of art. I just wish I wasn’t so lonely or even isolating. At least I have my cat, Lil Gertie.

I don’t have much more to say. I hope everyone has a good rest of their Saturday. Peace Out, World!!!

Lil Gertie’s First Year In Her Forever Home

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! Today, marks it one years since I adopted my cat, Lil Gertie. It is difficult to wrap my head around on how fast this year went and what my life would be like if I didn’t adopt her. She has been a major support for me and has helped me a great more than I could ever have imagined.

On a side note, I saw my psychiatric nurse practitioner. We discussed the normal shit that we usually do and then we got on the topic of how meds can only help so much. She was surprised by me saying that meds can only help so much because she has clients who think meds are the only things that help. When then discussed what things help me in congestion to my meds. We discussed various things that help me right along with my meds. Some of which to find out she enjoys as well.

I don’t have much more to say. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Again, thank so very much for reading my blog. I hope everyone has a great work week. Peace Out, World!!!

Been In & Out of Dissociation Since Last Post

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I remember post my blog however I do not remember most everything else due to dissociation. I am not a big fan of dissociation. In fact I think I am partially dissociating at the moment. I wish I wasn’t starting to dissociate again as I see my psychiatrist later this morning and then have appointments with my therapist and job coach (employment specialist) in early afternoon. I really want be “all there” when I am attending all my appointments today.

I don’t think I got much sleep last night as I am falling asleep as I write this post. Another clue that I din’t get much sleep last night is the picture I am coloring. Plus, the music I am listening to on Spotify is from my “Childhood Memories” playlist has a quarter of the list to play and that list is just slightly over twenty two hours of music. I am grateful for the music and the art that I have been coloring been coloring because if wasn’t for the music or art, I think I could have self harmed. No, I am not risk of self harming.

I am glad that I will be seeing my psychiatrist and therapist today. I am sure they both will have some concerns of what has been going on for a few weeks now. I just don’t like dissociation. I am also going to be taking my art work with me. Specifically, my coloring stuff. I, of course always carry some form of music with me.

I don’t have much more to say. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope to blog again later today. Have a great day everyone and enjoy the nice sunny weather like I will here in Seattle. Peace Out, World!!!

Depressed on a Beautiful Sunny Monday

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is a beautiful Monday morning in Seattle and all I feel like doing is sleeping the day away due to the fact that my depression appears to be acting up. All I want to do is curl up in bed and just stay there. I am not sure why my depression is acting up but it is something to keep an eye on.

Since I am depressed and feel like sleeping and/or curled up in bed all day, I am in need of doing some good self care today. Self care that includes several basic things that people tend to take for granted. Things like eating. When I am depressed I tend to not eat which is not a good thing which means I personally need to focus on eating. Eating healthy yet comforting foods.

Another form of good self care for me is to do some art work. Specifically coloring. For me coloring is a type of mindfulness as well as meditation. When you color being mindful of what you are coloring is key. It is also a type of meditation as it can have a meditative aspect to it.

I do not have much more to say. I just know I need to eat breakfast as well as take a shower. I have not taken a shower since Wednesday evening and I know I am stinking. I am thinking I am going to have Maple and Brown Sugar Oatmeal. Maple and Brown Sugar Oatmeal is semi-healthy and very much a comfort food for me.

I think I am going to end this post as I really need to make sure I need to eat. Plus, I need to take a shower and go get my meds from the pharmacy. I want to thank you for reading my blog. I am extremely appreciative of you reading my blog. Again, thank you for reading my blog. I hope everyone has a great day as well as a great work week. Peace Out, World!!!

This is how I am when I’m starting to dissociate & I hope it’s educational for you as I fight against it.

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Monday and Good Evening, World!!! It is an absolutely, amazingly, beautiful day here in Seattle and I have been enjoying it to the best of my ability. Sadly, I am partly in reality and partly fighting against the dissociative state I am slowly getting in. Being is a dissociated state even a partial one is never good thing for me.

So, I went for a walk and a listened to some great music. As I was walking listening to music, I realized I was starting to dissociate and stopped in my tracks to go back home. As I walked back up I did a walking mindfulness and meditation exercise as I walked back home. As I walked through the door to my apartment my cat instantly knew something was wrong so she did was she needed to do and it helped great deal for me to get more it reality than I wasn’t in. Hell, I am still trying to get back into a hundred percent reality. Not sure why I am fighting so hard with the dissociation right now. I just want to enjoy the nice Seattle weather by taking a walk. I have done some mindfulness and meditation practices since I am hope and it is not help all that much at the moment. My cat is helping a great deal. Just focusing on her, my cat is quite helpful.

Now, I am just going to play some music and do some art. I will also play my flute. When I play my flute and/or do art, it helps me get out what I need to so I am able to be fully in reality and not in a dissociative state. Art and music always help. I might do some art outside since it is a beautiful weather day here in Seattle. I just cant go for a walk or I could forget how to get home and I don’t want that so that’s why I’m going to do art on this beautiful sunny day in Seattle in the community porch for the people who live in my apartment building.

Of course I will be spending more time with my cat, Lil Gertie, as she appears to know how to help me when I am in a dissociative state. She is an amazing cat that has helped me a great deal with when I am in a true dissocive  state like I am now. I really don’t let myself go when I am writing. I guess now people can see how hard it is for me.

I am thinking I am needing to end this post so I can do my art and spend time with my cat. Have a great Monday everyone.I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World

Boundaries Crossed = Anger

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! Right now I am livid. I am beyond livid. A friend of mine came over to hang out because she is acutely aware that I have been isolating. This friend is a Christian and I have no problem with that. The problem I have is what she did when she was here.

Long story short we were discussing why I was isolating. I informed her that when my depression symptoms get bad I tend to isolate especially when the psychosis acts up. When I experience psychosis, I hear voices. My friend was (and still is) concerned about my depression symptoms increasing as she expressed this to me as we were talking. During our conversation she informed me that I “have demons” in me because I hear voices. This is the point where she decided to lay hands on me to “pray out the demons.” If prayer worked for my mental health challenges then I wouldn’t have any. I know I shouldn’t be mad at my friend for “trying” to help but prayer does shit especially since I no longer consider myself a Christian. It angers me that people of the Christian faith think prayer is the cure all and heal all when it is not. I asked my friend to not put hands on me to pray for me. She then got mad at me. I attempted to educate her about psychosis and voices but she didn’t want to hear it and left. I am angry at her because she didn’t respect my boundaries. She is aware that I don’t like to be touched and that I don’t really like to be “prayed over” especially in my own home.

Being angry at my friend for not respecting my boundaries has me questioning if I should really be mad at her for doing what she thought was helping. All I wanted was to hang out and watch movies or television. I didn’t want to be “prayed over.” Am I overreacting regarding this? I hope not. I truly don’t understand why people think prayer is the answer to everything.

I am thinking I am needing to stop writing about this particular issue as it is making me more angry. I, highly dislike being angry especially at a good friend who in my opinion was trying to help to the best of her ability even though we both know she crossed my boundaries.

I do not have much more to say. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a good rest of their Saturday evening. Peace Out, World!!!

Slept All Day On A Beautiful Seattle Day

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! Today (Sunday), was beautiful day. It was a beautiful day outside that even Mount Rainier was out. Usually, on beautiful sunny days like today you can see Mount Rainier. It is a beautiful site to see. Sadly, during the summer it is quite difficult due from the fires from across this great state of Washington.

Unfortunately, I did sleep a good potion of the day. Not sure why I slept a good portion of the day as I actually got some good sleep last night. It wasn’t so so sleep but a good restful sleep. I think part of it is my depression. My depression either has me not sleep at all or I sleep too much. In fact it is usually not at all. I just wish I didn’t sleep on such a beautiful day suck as today.

On a plus note, I was awake during the times my friends and I have a potluck meal every Sunday. We do this every Sunday as we all remember having Sunday meals that extra family came over or when friends and neighbors came by. My friends (who are neighbors) decided to do this years ago to help keep that tradition going from our childhood despite some of our big age differences.

I just wish I did not sleep today away as it would have been a great Sunday to go enjoy the cherry blossom’s on University of Washington (UW) campus. Those cherry blossoms are beautiful to see when they are at full blossom. Seeing the cherry blossoms on the UW campus sure helps with my depression. I think that is what I am going to go do tomorrow (Monday) and bring my lunch with me. There is nothing like having a picnic on the UW campus when the cherry blossoms are in bloom. Hopefully, the weather will be beautiful like it was today (Sunday) and yesterday (Saturday).

I do not have much more to say as I am still pretty sleepy and could easily go back to bed and sleep even though I slept well last night and most of today. I would like to thank you for reading my blog as it is great appreciated from my end of things.  As the weekend comes to a close with only four hours and ten minutes left of it, I hope everyone had a great weekend. I also hope everyone has a great work week starting tomorrow (Monday) especially if you have a “typical” work week of Monday thru Friday. Again, thank you for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

The Struggle Is Real

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I think my funk is now becoming a struggle. The struggle is becoming real. Real as the words you are reading on this post. I am not wanting to be in another struggle with intense mental health symptoms as I don’t know how much I will be able to handle. No I am NOT suicidal nor am I at risk of harming myself. I just fear that I could become suicidal which is something I will have to notify my therapist about.

Speaking of emailing my therapist, I think it is something I will need to do after I am done writing this post. The reason why I am thinking I am in need of emailing my therapist is because this is the third night in a row where I have not been able to sleep. Sadly, my sleep medicine wasn’t helpful tonight. Another thing I think my therapist is needing to know is that I haven’t showered since Wednesday (March 20th) which is not a good thing. I also think it would be a wise idea to inform him that my psychosis is starting to act up again. For me my psychosis includes hearing voices and when I am in an extreme depression I start seeing things. Thankfully, I am not seeing things and only hearing voices. Thankfully the voices are only at a whisper at the moment. I am nervous that if I inform my therapist of this that I could be put into the hospital but overall I am pretty in control of things at the moment with the exception of the dissociation. I really think emailing my therapist about everything I have mentioned will be a good thing as it is something he will need to know so he would know how to help me during our session. My therapist is pretty cool. I trust him. I really think he does understand most of what I experience with my mental health challenges.

Something I am doing in regards hearing whispering voices nobody else can hear is listening to music. Music helps drown out the voices and that is extremely helpful for me to deal with the voices. It is amazing how helpful and soothing music is for people who have mental health conditions. Hell, music even helps “normal” people. I love the fact music is quite helpful. If it wasn’t for music I wouldn’t have graduated high school and I really think it has been quite helpful in helping me not die by suicide. Just a reminder I am not a risk of attempting suicide or self harming. Music is one of things I think that speaks to everyone.

I do not have much more to say as I don’t want to end up repeating myself. Plus I am needing to email my therapist about the increase of my mental health symptoms. I hope everyone has a good Monday. I also hope that everyone has a good work week if you work a typical Monday thru Friday week. Peace Out, World!!!

Sunday Night Struggles

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! It is eleven o’clock at night on a Sunday and I am struggling. Struggling with the symptoms of the mental health challenges I am diagnosed with. Symptoms that I wish that were not acting up at the moment especially since I thought I was making some progress. The PTSD symptoms I am having are quite severe. Severe enough that it has been cause several hours of dissociation. The depression is causing me to want to isolate. Isolation is not a good thing especially since my psychosis is starting to flare up again. I am starting to hear voices again and that is not a good sign. At least the voices are at a whisper. All of the above mentioned symptoms is causing me some high anxiety.

At this moment in time I am starting to watch the eleven o’clock news. I am pretty sure that is going to to be the same shit that was on the evening news. I just wish the news shared feel good stories as they wouldn’t make watching other parts of the news so depressing.

Since my last post I have been reading Yesternight by Cat Winters with my cat, Lil Gertie, on my lap. The book is very interesting so far. It is one of those books that is difficult to put down especially since it is a page turner. It was hard to put down to watch the eleven o’clock news. So far I am only a quarter of the way thru it and hope it continues to be a page turner.

As I mentioned, Lil Gertie, my cat has been sitting in my lap as I have read. Having her on my lap at helped a great deal with the symptom’s of my mental health diagnosis especially the PTSD symptoms. She has been quite helpful with the dissociation as it is difficult to dissociate when you have a cat seeking your attention most of the day. I think she was doing this so I would not dissociate. I love my cat, Lil Gertie so much. Adopting my cat, Lil Gertie, has been one of the best decisions I have made in my life. I do not regret getting her whatsoever. She is my little furbaby.

I do not have much else to say in the post. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone has a great nights sleep. Peace Out, World!!!

Mental Health Challenges Suck Sh*t

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! I just finished watching the evening news. There was really nothing good on the evening news but when does the news have good news. It seems like the news is nothing but Politics and depressing news. But then again politics can be depressing. Or at least the last two and half years, politics has been nothing but negative and depressing. More so than ever. I wish the news could share a minimum of two feel good stories each half an hour they are on. But that is just my own personal opinion.

On the plus side, the weather in Seattle hasn’t been as “bad” as the weather people said it would be. It was sunny with some clouds which is good thing because there was suppose to be a “storm” according to the weather people on the news. The weather people really don’t seem to know what they are talking about.

My Anxiety, Depression and PTSD are not relenting and wish the hell I could get a break. My mental health challenges appear to have increased symptoms which suck shit. I haven’t taken a show since Wednesday and that is never a good sign. I just wish I could take a bath because that would be a wee bit easier for me but unfortunately my apartment doesn’t have a bathtub in it. It does have a shower but a nice hot bath would be nice on occasion. I know I need to take a shower but I don’t feel like taking one. I know ultimately I will feel a ton better but I am just too depression to do so.

I think I am going to start reading my book Yesternight by Cat Winters. I think reading it will be quite helpful for me to get out of my own head. I really hope it is a good book like people having been telling me it is. It seems like an interesting book by what I read on the back cover.

I do not have much more to say. I want to thank you all for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Have a great rest of your Sunday evening. Peace Out, World!!!