It’s Been An Interesting Day

     Good Monday Evening!!! Today has been an interesting day. On my bus ride to my appointment with my therapist, a fellow passenger passed out because he was so drunk. Of course the bus driver had to stop the bus and check on the dude. The bus driver had to call the police as well as the fire department. The police showed up as well as the fire engine and paramedics. As the firefighters were trying to help the drunk dude came to and hit one of them. The police then tackled the guy and with the help of the paramedics and other firefighters he was handcuffed to the gurney and put in the back of the ambulance. Of course myself and the other passengers had to give witness statements to the police. Finally after everyone gave their statement the bus was on its way again. I got off at my bus stop and walked about a half mile to my appointment. On the walk from the bus stop to my appointment I found $20. Finding money is a rare thing for me.

     I of course made it to my appointment with my therapist on time. In fact I was 45 minutes early. I’m usually an hour early due to OCD tendencies. While waiting for my therapy appointment the admin assistant got me my stuffed Eeyore that I have my therapist hold for me so when I am waiting to see her I can hold on to him. My stuffed Eeyore also sits in on my sessions with me because its easier to talk with a stuffed animal to hold. As I was holding Eeyore, in the waiting room I pulled out a Wonder Woman graphic novel to read. If you are a regular reader or follower of my blog you know I am a huge Wonder Woman fan. About 15 minutes before my session an old high school friend walks into the waiting room of the mental health clinic I see my therapist at. This high school friend was seeking therapy for the first time in her life. She of course was seeing a different clinician. It was nice to “catch up” with an old friend.

    My session with my therapist Diana was quite draining. We discussed what happened on the bus then I pulled out 3 copies of what I wanted to go into my treatment plan. Of course many of things I want to work on can be condensed and we did that. In fact it was getting a bit overwhelming for me. We had to take a break from it and we talked about why it was overwhelming. I had come to the conclusion that I’ve been defined by my mental illness so long that it scares me what it would be like to not be “crazy.” Diana my therapist says that I’ve dealt with my mental illness for so long that now that I am walking in recovery I’m learning what its like to not be “crazy.” She also says that I’m in the process of redefining on who I am. She is absolutely correct. I am redefining who I am. Recovery from a mental illness is difficult work. I still have a great deal to work through so I am no where done with needing treatment but I am an active participant in my treatment planning. I still have to work through all the trauma I’ve been through when I was a child as well as an adult. That’s going to be a long process. So Diana and I still need to finish working my treatment/recovery plan and we both hope that we can continue to work on in in the next session next Monday. I never knew how draining it would be. Working on changing for the better is not only draining and difficult but a good thing. (Side Note: Diana is a pseudonym for my therapist)

   So after my therapy appointment I took the bus home. Thankfully nothing eventful happened on my bus ride home. In fact on my bus ride home, I read A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. I am really enjoying the book. It’s going to take me awhile to read it due to my dyslexia but that is okay with me. Like I’ve said before, I enjoy reading.

   As I am blogging right now, I am at my boyfriends house. He is fixing me dinner. He is a good cook. Not as good as my grandma but good enough. He cooks better than me and I love to cook. Hell, my boyfriend loves to cook as well. He learned to cook from his mom. I learned to cook from my dad and grandma. My paternal grandpa is not a very good cook. My maternal grandpa was an awesome cook. Anyway, my boyfriend is making me spaghetti. I love spaghetti. I should get going. I want to see if my boyfriend will let me help him finish cooking. After dinner we are going to watch a movie. Not sure what movie but it’s going to be a comedy.

   Well, I best be going. I hope to blog again tomorrow. Have a good rest of the evening. Enjoy the rest of your Monday. Well at least enjoy the 4 hours that’s left of Monday. Peace out and enjoy life. 


     HAPPY MONDAY!!! Well its a little after 10 o’clock (pacific time) Monday evening and it’s been a long day for me. I worked a four hour shift this morning and it went by so slowly. After work I rushed home to change out of my work clothes because I needed to catch a bus to make it to my appointment with my therapist on time.

     My appointment with my therapist went as well as it can be expected. It is therapy after all. I did shed a few tears over a tough topic for me. I don’t cry much and when I do cry it’s a big deal. Crying doesn’t come easy for me. I trust my therapist enough to let her see me cry. I think my current therapist is the only therapist that I ever cried in front of. I trust her.

     When I got home from my therapy appointment I decided to go to the neighborhood park and read. I am reading A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. So far I am enjoying book. Reading is one of the things that gives me pleasure in this world. It helps me forget my problems for the time being. Reading gets me out of my own head.

      After I was done reading in the park I came home and made me some dinner. I had scrambled eggs, French toast, orange juice and milk. I love having breakfast for dinner. I make sure I eat on the regular basis because it helps regulate my mental illness a great deal.

      When I finished with my dinner I talked with my little brother. He is doing quite well. He made me laugh with is corny yet very humorous jokes. I wonder where he gets his jokes from and I know they are not from me. I love my little brother.

       After I talked to my brother I watched some T.V. I got bored watching T.V. and realized I didn’t blog yet for Monday so I decided to blog. I am getting a little sleepy and I should get going. Good sleep hygiene is also a good way to stay stable. So that means I’m going to call it a night and go to bed.

       Yes, I know it’s only 10:31pm(pacific time) but I am tired. Have good night everyone. Sweet dreams and don’t let the bed bugs bite. (My grandpa said that to me whenever he tucked me in at night when I was a child.) Peace out and sleep well.

Being Hard On Myself

     Hey! It’s another Saturday evening and no dinner parties to attend or host. I’m fine with that because it’s always nice to have a quiet Saturday evening at home. At this very moment as I am blogging I am sipping on some hot chocolate and kind of watching Lockup: Raw on MSNBC. 

    I will be honest with you at the moment I am frustrated with myself. I’m frustrated with myself because of how I am viewing myself. I view myself as a failure. I view myself this way because of how our society and culture view people with mental illness. American Culture views those who struggle with mental illness as the scum of the earth. Another reason why I view myself as failure is because I am a 30something with barely a high school education and no college education stuck in a dead in job. Come on, how many 30somethings do you know working as a courtesy clerk (bagger) at grocery store for the last 9 years. I just don’t want to go to my 20 year high school reunion in four years and have nothing to show for myself. Yes, I know I’m being hard on myself.

    I know what my therapist would tell me in this situation because I have discussed the above paragraph with her multiple times. She would tell me that many of my classmates didn’t have to fight their asses off to get stable from a mental illness and fight through the pain of a horrific childhood. (Side Note: Only parts of my childhood were horrific.) She would also ask me what my rational or wise mind would say. Diana, my therapist would also point out that many people my age may have a college education but they have not been at the same employer as long as I have.(Side Note: Diana is a pseudonym) I cant argue with that point because many of my friends in my age range haven’t been employed with the same employer as long as I have been with mine.

   I think American culture plays a major role in the stigma of mental illness. As much as I love being an American; the American way is quite frustrating at times. What does have the American Dream really mean? American society focus’s on individualism yet has unspoken rule of what the American dream is. That American Dream is to get an education and graduate from college in hope to land your “dream job” then get married and have children and own your own home

    Anyway, I’m getting off topic. I really want to get a college education. I hope to some day get an education and become a social worker. If you were to ask me what my current “American Dream” is. My response is: “To be able to work full time in a job I enjoy. Preferably in the mental health field starting as a Peer Support Specialist/Counselor. To get off disability. To be able to live in and afford a fare market value apartment. Some day get married and have family. A plus in my “American Dream” would be able to get a degree in Social Work and become a social worker.” I know that someday that part of my “American Dream” will come true.

   I just wish I wasn’t so hard on myself. I know that “normal” people are hard themselves. I also know that they don’t have the everyday struggles of mental illness that I and many other people deal with. Sometimes I wonder if “normal” people would be able to deal with a mental illness. I’m my own worst critic and my own worst enemy but aren’t we all. In my opinion people who struggle with mental illness are tougher on themselves than others because we so desperately strive to be whatever the hell normal is.

   Now that I’ve bored you with my frustrations I’m going to end this blog entry. I know some day that I will be on the career path that I desire. I know one day I will be able to get off of disability. One day I will have my “American Dream.” One day I wont be so hard on myself and with the help of my therapist I will eventually not be so hard on myself or at least not as often.

    Thank you for reading my blog. I am sorry that this one is so long and it seems to be more venting than anything else. I hope that this blog entry helps those who struggle with mental illness that recovery is possible because it is possible and you are not alone in your struggles. Now I’m going to end this entry and put my full attention in watching Lockup: Raw on MSNBC. Have good evening all. I hope to blog tomorrow before I go to work.