Tag Archives: Death

Missing Grandma

Posted on by Gertie

Gooding Evening, World!!! I missing my grandma very much right now. I wish her death wasn’t so fucking painful. So painful that I have become numb. Numb to the emotional pain.

Pain I know I will get through with the help of my DBT skills. Skills like art and reading. Art helps me express my emotions while reading help me get out of my head for while.

I will first do some art. I most likely will color. Coloring is quite soothing for me. I will probably also paint.

After some art I’ll cuddle up in my pajamas with the quilt my grandma made me and read. Read the book I’ve been reading for while but still enjoying.

First and for most I need to get going so I can get something to eat. Thanks for reading. Peace Out, World!!!

The Day After

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! The last twenty four hours have been quite difficult for my family and I. It has been difficult because of the death of my grandma, yesterday.

As difficult as yesterday was for me, I realized on how much support I have. Support I didn’t realize I had much less folks who actually read my blog. For instance, a shout out to my recovery coach for reading my blog to see how I am doing. Thanks!!! Another shout out to both my case manager and therapist who have been reading my blog on the semi-regular basis to “check-up” on me. Even a shout out to my friends who read my blog to see how I am doing when I haven’t check-in with them.

Having the unexpected folk read my blog is a blessing to me. It’s a blessing because to me it shows they care and concerned for how I am doing especially those who identify as people with lived experience. The power of peer support is amazing.

As amazing as peer support is, I am grateful for it as well as grateful for the professionals in my life. My therapist and case manager are putting back on “daily check-ins” as a preventive measure. A preventive measure to help keep me on the path I want to be on. A path of recovery and to get back to work.

Thank you for reading. Peace Out, World

Educational Piece: Grief & Loss

Posted on by Gertie

As, I stated on Sunday, I would try to do an educational piece on Thursdays. Well, it is Thursday and I have decided to do an educational piece on grief and loss. Grief and loss because of the loss of my grandma yesterday.

The five stages of grief:

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

Emotional symptoms of grief:

  • Shock & Disbelief
  • Sadness
  • Guilt
  • Anger
  • Fear

Physical symptoms of grief:

  • Fatigue
  • Nausea
  • Low Immunity
  • Aches and pains
  • Insomnia

This just a tad bit of what I found out about grief and loss. I hope it helps anyone who is grieving right now.

I Can’t Sleep, Again

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! I’m having trouble sleeping again. Not exactly why I can’t sleep but I have my theories and it can be any combination of things.

One of the reasons why I think I can’t sleep tonight is because of the death of my grandma. My grandma’s death is hitting me harder than I thought it would. Every time I look around my apartment I see my grandma. I see her in pictures. I see her in the baby blanket she made me. I see her in the quilt she made me. I see her pretty much everywhere.

So, I’ve been wrapping myself up my quilt that she had made me for my 25th birthday. I’m feeling closer to her as I wrap myself up in my quilt that she made me. I feel her love. I know she is my guardian angel now.

Thanks for reading. Peace Out, World!!!

Tough Valentines Day

Posted on by Gertie

Today, has not been the easiest of days for me to say the least. My grandma passed away earlier today. As many of you know she has been in home hospice care for a week and as of today she is no longer suffering.

I had posted on social media about my grandma’s death and well I ended up getting bullied. Bullied because I didn’t acknowledge the shooting that happened in Florida today. I was completely unaware of it as I was at Social Security most of the morning and then my therapist office the rest of the day till I got the news about my grandma.

Thankfully, I have some good friends who stuck up for me and support me when the bullying was happening. Some of these friends live near me and came over with some food to check up on me. They brought me my favorite burger from Red Robin with a butt load of fries and campfire sauce. No matter tough a day a person has, friends and food always help.

Thank you for reading. I know I will get through this with the help of many other including the blogging community. Thanks!!! Peace Out, World!!!

Not So Pleasant Valentines Day

Posted on by Gertie

As the world celebrates Valentines Day, I grieve. Grieve over the loss of my grandma. I found out she had passed shortly before my session with Gilbert started. So guess what we discussed as I waited for my ride to pick me up so I could have a final goodbye. Yup, my grandma. I miss my grandma so much.

I cant continue the post right now. I will post later. Peace Out, World!!!

Not Sure If It’s Grief or Depression

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! I’m feeling slightly depressed. I’m not sure if I am depressed because of depression or if I’m feeling grief over my grandma. Yes, I realize she is still alive but knowing she doesn’t have much longer to live is having me grieve before her death. It hurts deeply that she is suffering so much.

When I saw her today, she looked into my eyes and whispered, “I love you” as it was the last time she will ever say it to me. I’m not sure if its going to be but I’m going to cherish it as it is. I love my grandma so much. I don’t want her to go. I also don’t want her to suffer anymore.

Thank you for reading me moping about my grandma. I hope everyone has a great evening. Peace Out, World!!!

Visit With Grandma

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! It’s been a challenging day. First with social security and then with my grandma. She is still alive but not coherent when she is awake. She recognizes who we are just not able to talk which is difficult for my family and I.

Being able visit with my grandma has been helpful for me with the grief I am dealing with. Not only has it been helpful for me but I think it’s more helpful for my grandpa that I am here. In all honesty it appears that my grandpa is relieved that I have come by to visit.

I should get going as the hospice nurse just showed up. Have a great afternoon. Peace Out, World!!!

Ugh!!! Frustration & Other Stuff

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It’s been a frustrating morning. I went to the social security office today and have to go back tomorrow. It’s difficult enough to go when you don’t have an anxiety disorder and/or PTSD but add one or both conditions it makes it that much more difficult.

As difficult as social security is for me to go to and to deal with them, dealing with the grief of my grandma being in hospice care is that much more difficult. Knowing my grandma is going to pass away sooner than later is painful and I don’t want that to happen yet I know it is a part of life. Death is painful to deal with yet when you are aware of someone about to pass away you tend to appreciate the person more as well as life in general.

Being more appreciative of my grandma now is a good thing and not taking her life for granted, I’m going to be visiting her. I’ll be taking some art supplies with me as well as music and books to keep me busy when my grandma sleeps. The art stuff I’ll be taking is collaging and coloring supplies as its the easy to travel with on the city bus and less messy for my grandparents home.

I should get going so I can go visit my grandma. I hope everyone has an awesome day. Peace Out, World

The End of the Road

Posted on by Gertie

Think back to a moment where you’ve come to the end of the road with something important in your life—a relationship with a lover; moving out of your childhood home; graduation from school; etc. Write a scene wrapped around that moment, describing how you felt (good and bad) and how you closed the door on that chapter in your life.

This writing prompt is difficult as I can come up with a lot of end of road stories that have influenced me to where I am at in the moment in time. If it wasn’t for end of road experiences I wouldn’t be in recovery. In recovery with an eating disorder or mental health. I wouldn’t be working on my recovery with self-harm.

Its the end of the road experiences that I have experienced has been what Oprah called Awe-Ha moments. Moments that have changed my life and hope that the experiences I have had can help change the lives of others so they can go on and help others themselves.

Thinking about the end of the road not only has me thinking about my recovery but my grandma and her currently being in home hospice care. For her its the end of the road yet she still has her sense of humor. The same sense of humor that I have to help me through her dying. I hope as I deal with my grandma dying I hope I can laugh at life like she has.