Tag Archives: Mental Health

Something Of A Taboo; Miscarriage

Posted on by Gertie

At this moment in time I am struggling. I am struggling with the loss of the two sets of twins I miscarried. If you regularly read my blog you know that I miscarried twice within fourteen month of each other. The first being November of 2013 and the second being January of last year (2015).

Miscarriage is something of a taboo. A taboo that needs to be spoken about more and often. Many out there don’t realize how difficult it is to loose a child to miscarriage. People naturally assume “that it’s easier to get over because you never met the child.” Well, I am sorry to say but I can argue the opposite and say it makes that much more difficult but I don’t because loosing a child, no matter how, is the most difficult thing a person can go through. It hurts when I hear comments like the one mentioned above because I heard my babies heart beats and felt them kick. I had a connection with them. A connection only myself and the father, Junior, had with them (and maybe my OBGYN and Doula).

As I sit here typing about my losses, I realize I have tears rolling down my face wishing that it wasn’t so difficult to discuss the loss. I find it difficult to discuss the miscarriage because it is never really discussed about due to being it a taboo. I just cant comprehend why miscarriages (or even stillborn children) is such a taboo topic to discuss.

It is my hope that as I blog about my experiences with mental illness, miscarriage and other things that whatever is considered taboo will be come less of a taboo. As I end this particular post I want to thank you for reading. Have a wonderful weekend and peace out!!

Goals for 2016

Posted on by Gertie

Happy New Years!!!! It’s that time of year where everyone makes New Years resolutions that many people wont accomplish. I don’t make New Years resolutions because I never was able to accomplish. I do make New Years goals and I have found that I do accomplish or come close to accomplishing by the end of the year. Below is the list of my goals for the coming year. I realize that some of my goals are partially dependent on other people  but that doesn’t mean I cant at least try to attain the goal.

1)  Get my tattoo touch up. (I actually accomplished this goal yesterday 1/1/2016 at 12noon.)

2)  Add to my tattoo. I currently have a semicolon tattoo and I want to add to it. I want to get the semicolon trinity and eventually the semicolon Sol Invictus. However right now its just the trinity I am aiming for.

3)  Read 12 books. It was my goal to do this last year but it didn’t happen. I did read 10 books last year. (Comic books don’t count)

4)  Drink less soda. I currently drink a liter of soda a day. My goal is to be down to one 20oz soda a week by the end of the year. Right now I am starting off with one 20oz  soda a day and hope to go down from there. So far so good but of course its only the second day of the year.

5)  Get my flute fixed. I can still play my flute however it desperately needs repaired. Plus, I want to get lessens.

6)  Take flute lessons. I love playing the flute. I am not very good at it but it helps me a great deal.

7)  Train to do the Big Climb in my area to support The American Lung Association. I am planning on doing the Big Climb in 2017 but I am starting the training now. (Actually, I started yesterday.)

8)  Learn how to drive (legally). Basically get my drivers license. This will come in handy for me both in my personal life and my professional life. Professionally many places require a drivers license.

9)  Get a job as a peer support specialist (peer counselor). This is one of those goals that is partially up to someone else  however if I do my part with applying for peer specialist jobs then I’ve accomplished what I have intended to do and that is to get my name out there.

10) Get back into blogging more regularly. Due to my mental illness rearing its ugly head I haven’t blogged much. I realize that blogging helps to me in many ways. One of those ways is that it gives me structure on days that I don’t have much to do.

11) Continue being engaged with my recovery no matter how difficult it may be at times. This means going to my appointments with my therapist and psychiatric nurse practitioner (ARNP). It also means doing “homework” my therapist wants me to do. It also means being open to suggestions my therapist has for me.

As you can tell I have a lot of goals this year. In fact one of my goals has already been accomplished. So one goal down and ten more to go. I hope that at the end of year I can tell you that I have accomplished each one of my goals. Have a wonderful day and have a very Happy New Years.

 

Hello, 2016

Posted on by Gertie

Happy New Years!! As I sit here typing, twenty hours into 2016 I cant help but think of my hopes and dreams for the coming year. I also cant help but think on how much differently my hopes and dreams for the coming year are different from last year.

They are different because last year at this time I thought I was going to be a mama however I am not because of a miscarriage. The miscarriage did a major toll on me emotionally last year and hope that the grief work that my therapist and I recently started helps.

The reason why I hope the grief work helps is because I felt like I went backwards with my mental health recovery in 2015. Yes, I realize that the miscarriage was what ultimately caused my depression relapse. In fact I was diagnosed with postpartum depression which I didn’t really realize could happen with women who miscarry. It doesn’t surprise me that women who miscarry can be diagnosed with it but I just didn’t connect the dots.

As many of you know my recovery means the world to me. As I look at what I want my life to look like at the end of 2016, I have to look at my recovery and what it means to me and how it will look to me. Of course, this is something I will be discussing with my therapist, psychiatric nurse practitioner, and natural supports to see what they have to say about what I want my recovery to look like. They are apart of my recovery and without them and their help, I wouldn’t be in recovery.

I am realizing as I continue to write this blog post, it is going in a different direction than I had originally planned and I am okay with it. I am okay with it because I will be able to devote what I was planning on blogging about today and blog about on that topic tomorrow.

I know that discussing how my miscarriage affected my depression and recovery will not only open doors to help others discuss their struggles but help me as well. The miscarriage affected me a great deal including my blog. I wish it didn’t effect my blog but it did.

As I end this post I want to thank you for reading and/or reading my blog. I am grateful for each one of you. Have a very Happy New Years. Hello, 2016, I am looking forward to what you have to bring even the bad and the ugly.

Go To Hell 2015

Posted on by Gertie

It is the last day of 2015. Actually there is four hours left of 2015 and have been wanting the year to be over with since Monday, January 12, 2015. 2015 has not been the best of years for me.

It hasn’t been the best of years for me for a multitude of reasons. The main reason is that I miscarried a set of twins on Monday, January 12, 2015. It was an extremely tough loss. In fact it still is. Loosing a child is the most difficult thing a person can experience. I say this because its true. It’s even more difficult than the on going abuse that I suffered as a child. Some people might disagree with the previous sentence and I am okay with that. I’m okay with people disagree with my sentence because they cant argue with my experience and how difficult it is for me because they haven’t lived my life.

As I look back on 2015, I realize it might have been one of the most difficult years I have lived but I have a great deal to be grateful for. I have a job that I love. I have people who love and care about me even if I feel like I do not deserve it. Most importantly, I am engaged to a wonderful man who loves me with all his heart. Having a supportive man like Junior in my life has been quite helpful with my recovery.

As I end my last post of 2015, I want to thank you for reading and/or following my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I wish each one of you a very Happy New Year and may 2016 bring you all that you desire and dream. Be safe out there as you bring in the New Year. Please don’t drink and drive. AND GO TO HELL 2015!!!!

 

Fearful of Forgetting My Babies

Posted on by Gertie

Good morning!!! It has been quite some time since I have blogged. I have been struggling a great deal with not only my depression but the grief and loss of the miscarriage I suffered at the beginning of this year. Unfortunately, the grief & loss triggered a major onset of my depression symptoms.

It is because my symptoms are getting worse and the sorrow of the miscarriage not lifting that my therapist and I are going to start working on grief. We are going to be reading the book On Grief & Grieving: Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D & David Kessler. I am still hesitant. I am hesitant because I am afraid if work on my grief or accept that the miscarriage happen that I am going to forget my babies. I am hoping that the book that my therapist and I read and discuss on grief will help. I feel like I am all alone. After I read the book On Grief & Grieving  I am hoping that if it helps that I can find a book specific to grief on miscarriage. If any of you have suggestions it would be much appreciated.

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend!! Peace Out!!

Happy Dead Turkey Day

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Dead Turkey Day!!!! Or as “normal” people say Happy Thanksgiving. I know its been a while since I have blogged. I have been in a depressive state for a while now.

I was so depressed that I ended up in the hospital for a week and one day. In fact I got discharged today. When I saw my therapist last Wednesday (November 18, 2015) she and I agreed that being put in the hospital was the best thing for me. The day I saw my therapist happened to be the two year anniversary of the first miscarriage that I endured. The anniversary hit me harder that a ton of bricks.  I needed to be in the hospital and am grateful that I got out today.

I was and am spending it with friends and loved ones. Unfortunately, Junior is working. We will be doing our Thanksgiving tomorrow with his family. I am looking forward to it. I have a wonderful support system.

I am happy that my therapist is included in that support system. I am also grateful that she knew it was time for me to be hospitalized. Most importantly I am grateful that I was able to have a short stay of one week and one day.

Have a Happy Dead Turkey Day!!! Hope you had a nice day with your family and/or friends. Peace out and enjoy the rest of Thanksgiving. Oh yeah Good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite

Daily Prompt: Tattoo….You?

Posted on by Gertie

1030151853In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Tattoo….You?.” Do you have a tattoo? If so, what’s the story behind your ink? If you don’t have a tattoo, what might you consider getting emblazoned on you skin?

I just wanted to share with you all my first tattoo. In fact I got it yesterday, Friday, October 30, 2015. I got the semi-colon for a multitude of reasons and all of them are in regards to mental health. As some of you may or may not know that there is a project out there call Project Semi-Colon. It was created, if I’m not mistaken, to bring awareness to the stigma of cutting even in the mental health world. It was also created to bring awareness to those who deal with depression, anxiety and other such mental health diagnoses as well as those who lost their life to suicide. Another thing is that life is similar to a semi-colon; A semi-colon is used when a sentence could have been ended but wasn’t.

I personally got the semi-colon to remind myself how far I have come in my recovery and how many times I could have ended my life. In fact I have tried to take my life on many different occasions yet those attempts weren’t successful. Thankfully those attempts were intercepted by a semi-colon because clearly my story isn’t over. It isn’t over because I can share my recovery story with others. My story isn’t over because I can discuss how my life has been affected by mental illness to not only help others but to help lessen the stigma of mental illness.

Now on to why I chose the color I did. As you can tell from the picture my semi-colon tattoo is outlined in black and in filled in with purple. The purple has special meaning to me. When I was struggling a few years back my therapist reminded me to not think in black or white but shades of gray. I informed her that shades of gray weren’t exactly easy to do because it was gray out and it was depressing. She then suggested white and red would come up with shades of pink and she quickly remembered I’m not exactly a pink kind of woman. I then came up with red and blue which make purple. Long story short the purple is to help me think in shades of gray but only in color. Purple also has other meanings to me.

As you can tell, I basically got the semi-colon tattoo to help start a conversation about mental health issues. If just one conversation about my tattoo helps lessen the stigma with mental illness then it’s done its job.

Thank you for reading. Have a good day. Stay safe out there today and have fun. Happy Halloween.

Brief Check-In Before Work

Posted on by Gertie

I just wanted to do a brief check in before work. No particular reason why. I enjoy going to work. In fact I look forward going to work. Many people out there in the world don’t like their jobs. I love my job and what I do.

As much as I love my job, I wish I could be asleep at the moment. I didn’t get much sleep last night due a handful of nightmares. Of course nightmares are par for the course for me. Junior, of course was helpful after the nightmares. He doesn’t have to get up for work today so he is asleep, drooling like a baby.

I should end this post for now. I need to finish getting ready for work. Have a wonderful day everyone. Peace Out!!!

Weekly Goals

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Monday!!! Its a start of another work week and we all know what that means; time for me to do another set of weekly goals. So I will say how I did with last weeks goals.

1)  Read Speaker of the Dead by Orson Scott Card. I was able to spend about an hour in one sitting this week to read which is a rare occurrence. I was able to read twice for an hour so I am a happy camper.

2)  Work on jigsaw puzzle. Spent about fifteen minutes a day doing the puzzle. It is taking some time to do.

3)  Color. Did some coloring but not much.

4)  Finish Writing 201: Poetry. I finished the course and hope that you all enjoyed my poems.

5)  Work on a self-help workbook; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, PhD., Jeffery C. Wood, PSY.D., and Jeffrey Brantley, MD. Yup I worked on an entire chapter.

Now on to this weeks goals.

1)  Read Speaker of the Dead by Orson Scott Card. I will finish this book eventually.

2)  Work on jigsaw puzzle. The jigsaw puzzle is getting done slowly but surely.

3)  Color. Looks like I could be finishing up one coloring page here in the next week or two.

4)  Work on a self-help workbook; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, PhD., Jeffery C. Wood, PSY.D., and Jeffrey Brantley, MD. I’m hoping to get another chapter done this week.

5) See my therapist. I see my therapist on Wednesday. We will most likely be discussing ways to cope with getting my yearly done.

6)  Go to my doctor’s appointment. I have my annual female exam on Thursday. I have a difficult time with these particular appointments because of all the trauma I have been through.

Well, those are my weekly goals for this week. Please don’t hesitate to take a look at the blogging event over at: http://greenembe.rs/2015/10/19/building-rome-week-42-for-2015/ Have a wonderful week. Peace Out!!!

Lazy Sunday

Posted on by Gertie

It is a lazy Sunday afternoon. Junior and myself have been taking it easy all day. The day started when Junior got home from work and I had a candle lit breakfast waiting for him. The candle lit breakfast put us in the mood for some serious yet pleasurable intimate moments that exhausted the both of us. We took a nap after pleasurable intimate moments.

When we woke up from our nap we realize it was time for some football. Just not any football but Seahawk football. As I sit here blogging we are watching the game and Seahawks just scored in the third quarter. It is now 17 – 7, Seahawks. It’s been said that ear plugs are nesasary when you go see the Seahawks play at home but earplugs are nesasary when you watch the Seahawks with Junior.

I think I am going to go for now. I want to watch the game with Junior. Have a great Sunday. Go Seahawks!!!