Anxiety & Fear Over My Dad

Good Evening, World!!! I am not going to work tonight because my dad is in the hospital. Sadly, he was moved to the Intensive Care Unit (ICU), early this morning because he has fluid on the lungs and maybe around the heart. Even though the emergency surgery went well, the fluid around the lungs is never a good thing especially with my dads history of pneumonia. It was five years ago at this time of year where he was give a very slim chance of living due to his pneumonia but thankfully he is a live. I just wish his health was better at the moment. At least he is not on life support and wanting to go home.

Even though I am not sitting at the hospital with my dad at the moment, I just wanted to make sure that if health were to take the turn for the worst that I am able to have the availability to get to the hospital. That is part of the reason why I chose to get someone to cover my shift at work tonight. I am grateful that I was able to have a colleague cover my shift.

Due to my dad’s health and him being in the ICU my anxiety is up and my fear of him being put a ventilator is extremely high at the moment. The fear and anxiety I am having, my cat, Lil Gertie, is picking up on. When I have been home she as been by my side or on my chest to comfort me.  Being comforted by my cat has been a great help to me and has lessened my anxiety and fear.

Not only is my cat, Lil Gertie, comforting me but I am having friends checking in on me. Having friends checking in on me is always a good thing. In fact a friend of mine even brought me lunch when I was at the hospital visiting my dad. It is great that I have friends that check up on me.

My family has be pulling together in regards to my dad’s health. My grandpa and two uncles who are my dad’s dad and two brothers have been taking turns at the hospital. My grandpa and two uncles have been a great support. They are just as worried about my dad as I am. Having family support and the support of my friends has been great for me.

I wish I was able to get some sleep today but sadly I have not been able to nap. I didn’t sleep well last night due to insomnia and I think I have been unable to nap today due to my dad’s health and him being in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) at the hospital. I think I am going to go to bed early tonight as I need some sleep. Sleep is crucial to one health and I don’t want to get sick especially since my dad is ill.

I do not much more to say. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone has a great rest of your weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

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Comfort

     Hey, it’s still Saturday and its been good day. I did end up having a picnic by myself at my neighborhood park. The PB&J sandwich was absolutely delicious and comforting. Their something comforting about eating a PB&J sandwich. Not sure why PB&J sandwiches are so comforting but they are. In fact eating the sandwich helped me through a rough moment. The rough moment was dealing with the symptoms of PTSD. PTSD sucks a great deal. After eating my PB&J, I read some of A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens. I am enjoying the book a great deal. 

      As, I was reading in my neighborhood park my mother called. My mom is not a very comforting person in my life. She says some pretty harsh and mean things to me in almost all of our conversations. In fact with my mom I have had to set boundaries with her calling me. In fact that day and time is Tuesday at 6pm. I did decide to pick up today when she called. Don’t get me wrong I love my mom but she is not a very nice person when she has been drinking and/or using. She is an alcoholic and drug addict. My moms parenting skills when I was growing up weren’t exactly the best. I answered the phone in hopes that maybe that she might be some comfort to me because of my PTSD symptoms acting up. Unfortunately, like usual, she was unable to comfort me like I’ve desired her to do my entire life. Sometimes you just need your mommy even as grown adult. She told me to “get over it because it happened decades ago.” Sorry but I wish I could “get over it.” When she told me to “get over it” I told her, “Mom, I love you and need to go. I will talk to you Tuesday.” Thankfully, she respected my boundaries and didn’t call me back.

     After getting off the phone with my mom I decided to call my boyfriend because I know he is comforting person. So I talked to him for about 15 minutes when we decided that I come over to his place. When I got here he held me for about 45 minutes. Sometimes being held is all I need. It helped a great deal. After being held my boyfriend cooked me my favorite dinner of mac & cheese, ham and corn on the cob. The meal he fixed me is my comfort meal. As he fixed me dinner, I called my little brother. We talked for about 20 minutes before he had to go and meet up with some of his friends. My brother is a sweet heart.

     My boyfriend finally finished making dinner and we of course ate it. After we ate we put on some music and ended up dancing. Dancing with my boyfriend in house is comforting. I’m thinking its because of the being held thing. Slow dancing requires being held in a way. I felt comforted by slow dancing with my boyfriend.

     When my boyfriend and I decided to stop dancing we put on some Nirvana and did a jigsaw puzzle. We both love music and jigsaw puzzles. Music is quite comforting to me. Their something quite comforting about Nirvana’s music and the lyrics to the songs. In fact we had the music up loudly because in our opinion Nirvana deserves to be played loudly. We finished the puzzle and decided to watch a movie.

      We watched the movie Finding Nemo. Watching a Disney movie is always comforting for some reason. We finished the movie at about 11:15pm when I turned on the 11 o’clock news and started this particular blog. My boyfriend is baking some chocolate cupcakes and chocolate chip cookies. My boyfriend know that chocolate is quite comforting to me. Hell, chocolate is quite comforting to many women if not all women. He also knows that homemade chocolate chip cookies are comforting to me. He is baking them because he knows that I need all the comfort I can get today due to my PTSD symptoms acting up.

      Well, the 11 o’clock news is now over and Saturday Night Live is now on. I love SNL because its hilarious. Humor brings me comfort as well. Can you tell that I’ve been talking about comfort in this blog. I needed all the comfort I could get today because of my stupid PTSD. Sometimes all we need is comfort and today was one of those days I needed it. I still do.

      I best be ending this blog entry for now. I want to cuddle with my boyfriend while watching SNL as the cookies and cupcakes finish baking. Cuddling with my boyfriend is also comforting. I hope you all enjoy the last 15 minutes of your Saturday. Peace out and goodnight all.