Tag Archives: Grief

No Sleep In Seattle

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! As expected, I am unable to sleep. I expected that I would not be able to sleep tonight due to sleeping a great deal for about three days due depression related to grief. Grief related to my grandma’s passing away on Valentines Day of last year (2018). It is hard to believe that in a little over three weeks it will be a year since my grandma passed away.

Since I am unable to sleep, I am listening to music. Specifically, I am listening to Sleater-Kinney. They are a great local band from the Seattle area. They are actually, if I am not mistaken from the Olympia / Lacey area of Washington. I tend to favor local musicians from where I live as well as where I grew up as I tend to relate to them a bit more than other musicians.

Another thing I have been doing tonight is reading. I started reading “Lost Boys” by Orson Scott Card. I really like him as an author as I have read other books he has written. I thought I would give this book a try. I usually only read book series but thought I would read a stand alone book. Reading is a great distraction from the reality I am facing.

In fact both reading and music are great distraction from the reality I am facing in regards to dealing with my grandma’s death. Yes, it has been nearly a year since she passed away but she was a motherly figure to me. She helped raise me.

I don’t have much more to say. I will try to blog again later on today. I hope I can get some sleep so I am not a cranky bucket. I hope everyone has a great Monday. Enjoy you week everyone. Peace Out, World!!!

No Excuse For Not Blogging

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It has been a few weeks since I last posted. I have no excuses. I have had plenty of time to post especially since I have not been called into work since Christmas week which I didn’t work at all in December either except for a stupid staff meeting. I do have to say the last few days I have been in a depressive state to where I have been sleeping a great deal. Now, I am a little worried that I won’t be able to get any sleep for a few days.

Let me catch you up on what has been going on with me the last few weeks besides not getting called into work and sleeping a lot the last few days due to being in a depressive state. So, my therapist and one of his colleagues came by my apartment to check on the cleanliness of it and both of them were “impressed” by my apartment. They however weren’t surprised on my music selection as when they showed up, I was playing Sleater-Kinney. My therapist did notice I have some things that I need to throw away and have come up with a plan to get rid of the stuff I don’t need and he suggested by getting rid of the access stuff while listening to music.

Another thing that has been happening is that I have been preparing myself for some dentures. I am getting oral surgery done this Wednesday and will be getting dentures. Yes, I realize that being less than two months away from being forty years old and needing dentures is rare but considering that when I was young I was a hard core anorexic and bulimic, I did a number on my teeth. Something I am not proud of and twenty years after I stopped the eating disorders I am paying for the consequences. Consequences I don’t like but at least it is my teeth that I am loosing due to the eating disorders I dealt with as a child, teenager and young adult instead of my life.

As stressful as the upcoming oral surgery is, I think the reason why the last few days I have been dealing with depression and sleeping too much is because my grandma would have been eighty-nine years old on the fourteenth of this month (January). So, I guess I was dealing with some grief.  Grief that I am still dealing with and will continue to deal with. My therapist and I have been discussing it in bits and pieces. Dealing with grief sucks shit.

I don’t have much more to post about at the moment. I just hope everyone has a good rest of their Sunday evening. I hope everyone has a good night. Peace Out, World!!!!

Christmas Eve Grief & Depression

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, once again, World!!! It is still Christmas Eve and I still have not been able to sleep. The lack of sleep that is not helping with the emotions I am dealing with at the moment. Emotions I would rather not be dealing with at the moment.

Today, I will be celebrating Christmas with my dads side of the family and it happens to be the first Christmas without my grandma. I am dealing with the grief and sadness that goes along with it. Despite dealing with the difficult emotions of dealing with the first holiday without my grandma, I am looking forward to spending time with my dads side of my family.

I am however am dreading later this evening and tomorrow as I will be spending it with my mom’s side of the family. Sadly, my brother won’t be there as he will be spending the holiday with his dad. I am not looking forward to spending Christmas with my mom due to her being in active addiction.

Despite all of this my depression is acting up which sucks shit but it feels and looks like a typical Seattle Christmas minus the rain which is a good thing. I am not a big fan of rain but it wouldn’t be Christmas in the Northwest without rain so maybe we will get rain. Just as long as we don’t get snow, I will be okay with it as we had a white Christmas last year. The grey dreary Seattle weather fits my mood of being depressed. I hope that I somehow my spirits will be lifted some how and not by alcohol.

I am just really tired and hope I am able to take a nap at some point today. The lack of sleep sure is not helping my mood or my negative emotions. Sleep is crucial to having improved mental health symptoms or at least it does for me.

I better be going. I need to take a shower and eat small breakfast. I also need to pack some last minute things for my trip to my moms after I spend Christmas Eve with my dads side of the family. I hope that those of you who celebrate Christmas have a great holiday. Peace Out, World!!!

It’s Officially Christmas Eve

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is officially Christmas Eve in all of America. I don’t know how how to feel about it being Christmas Eve as I am tired as hell because I have not been to sleep yet due to insomnia. I also don’t know haw to feel about it because it is the first Christmas Eve without my grandma. Grief has stricken me hard at the moment. At least my cat, Lil Gertie, is helping me a great deal.

On top of not being able to sleep and dealing with grief, my depression and PTSD symptoms are increasing as well. I am debating whether or not to email my therapist about how I am doing at the moment. I think he will be in the office till about one in the afternoon today but I am not a hundred percent sure.

I do know that today, tomorrow and Wednesday, I will be dealing with family and I just need to make sure I have my ducks in a row as best as I can keep them in a row. What I need is some freaking sleep. Hopefully, I can get some sleep at some point today before I get to my mom’s tonight.

Maybe I should email my therapist so I could at least give him a heads up about how things are going for me at the moment. He already know it is going to be a challenging holiday for me. My therapist is awesome and appreciate him. In fact I am grateful for him and how much he has helped me with my recovery.

I don’t have much more to say as I want to try to get some sleep. I hope everyone who celebrates the Christmas holiday has a good Christmas. Have a wonderful holiday everyone. Peace Out, World!!!

A Woe Is Me Moment

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! Right now I am not doing so well. I am dealing with a ton a grief and increased symptoms of depression. I realize that as Christmas gets closer that the grief will increase due to my grandmas death and I know that the symptoms of the PTSD will increase due to childhood trauma that happened around this time of year. So, the next few days will be quite difficult for me and I hope that when I am staying at my moms that I will have access to WiFi so I can keep you up to date on how things are going.

At this moment in time I am trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my day. I know I have to pack to get ready to be gone for a few days. Don’t worry Lil Gertie will be staying at my grandpa’s when I am at my mom’s. At least the one thing I don’t have to figure out for the rest of the day is buying gifts and wrapping them as I am already done with doing that chore.

In all honesty I am not sure what to do with the rest of my evening. I know I have to pack and really don’t want to do that. Some of the things I have to pack are going to be last minute stuff like Lil Gertie’s food and water dishes as well as her food. Packing shouldn’t really be a problem as I will be spending most of tomorrow at my grandpas and then tomorrow evening I will be going to my moms and coming home the day after Christmas. I guess, I’ll pack what I can and then watch movies.

When I pack I have to make sure I have all my coping skills I can bring with me as my mom can get on my last nerve especially since this year I am not staying a hotel but at her place. I am taking plenty of books, comic books as well as coloring stuff. I am also taking my computer with plenty of movies and hopefully I can get on someone’s WiFi as my mom does not have WiFi.My mom doesn’t have cable either so at least if I can’t get any WiFi from someone else I will still have my laptop for movies that I will bring.

Thank you for reading my blog. I don’t have much else to say. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday. Peace Out, World!!!!

Fighting Off Depression With Humor

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! I have been up for several hours now and could really use a nap. The problem with taking a nap is if I do take one, I won’t be able to get up in time to go to my volunteer job and will not be able to sleep tonight. The sad thing is I woke up in a very depressive state. A depressive state that is quite concerning for me however if I am able to get through the next few days it is my hope that the depression symptoms with start to subside. I am pretty sure that the grief I am dealing with in regards to the loss of my grandma on Valentines Day of this year (2018) could have a lot to do with the increased symptoms of my depression.

Since I have been fighting off depression and grief I decided to watch the Netflix special that Ellen DeGeneres did and is so happened the show they made into a special was here in Seattle. I wish I was able to attend it in person however I was unable to do so. I am just thrilled that I was able to watch it earlier today on Netflix to help with my mood. Ellen is quite funny and I personally think she is relatable to people or at least she is to me. After watching Ellen’s Netflix special, it was quite helpful in lifting my spirits and not making the decision to call out “sick” for my volunteer job this evening.

Not only did watching the Ellen special on Netflix help me make a good choice to go to my volunteer job tonight but helped to blog about how I am feeling about shit. Shit like the depression and grief I am dealing with at the moment. Blogging seems to help and hope that sharing my story help you my reader some how. Blogging is a great outlet for me just like watching comedy is.

I don’t have much else to say at the moment. So, I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

 

A Brief Description of My Mental Health Appointments Today

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It has been a long and productive day. I saw my psychiatric nurse practitioner this morning and she has noticed the progress that I have been making in recent months and that she “has noticed all the progress.” We discussed how things have been going for me regarding my many diagnosis and she agrees with me that things appear to be going well with me that no med change is necessary and that once spring gets closer that we will discuss a decrease in meds. We also discussed how my sleep was at the moment and told her that I am getting more sleep but it is all broken up.  We also discussed that my voice are pretty much gone for the moment and that they still say stuff from time to time but it is only whispers and not all that often.

I also say my therapist today. We discussed a great deal about the progress that I have made and the type of coping skills I can continue to use to help me with the continued progress. We also discussed coping skills and a self care plan regarding the Christmas holiday quickly approaching as well as the grief I am dealing with as this is the first holiday without my grandma. I also discussed with him how my voices are mostly nonexistent at the moment. I told him that when I do hear the voices it is only whispers in times of stress.  I have so much more to say about my session with my therapist and would love to say more  but right now, I am really hungry and hope to post again later on this evening if not sometime tonight or tomorrow about it. I do know that he will check in on me on via phone on Friday the 21st, Monday the 24th and Wednesday the 26th before I see him for an appointment on Friday the 28th. I really like my therapist and he is checking in with me to be proactive and preventative. He wants to make sure I continue to make progress.

I really need to get going so I can get something to eat. I hope to post more about my session later on this evening. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone has great rest of your evening. Peace Out, World!!!

Sunday Evening Randomness

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It is Sunday evening and I don’t think I will have much to say in this post like I did in my last post. So, lets start with the work thing, I talked a great deal about in my last post. I ended up turning off my phone and took a nap. I really needed the nap as I didn’t get much sleep last night. Well, anyway, when I woke up from my nap I turned on my phone and sent the person who asked me to work for her a text as well as our boss. My boss texted me back saying it was no big deal and he understood that sometimes people activities required the phone to be turned off. But I didn’t receive a text back from the person asking for coverage which okay with me.

Well, tomorrow I am going to the person who does dentures to get a molding of my what little teeth I have left and they will refer me to a dentist that will pull my teeth out as the oral surgeon that was suppose to do it kept cancelling on me for various reason so the person who is going to do my dentures will refer me to someone who will pull my teeth. I am not looking forward to it but at least all I am getting tomorrow is the impressions of what little teeth I have left in my mouth.

I am still dealing with anxiety, depression and PTSD symptoms. Unfortunately, it appears the symptoms are starting to increase which isn’t a surprise to me but it is worrisome as I have been doing really well and improving greatly. I also know that the grief is setting in a little bit more as Christmas is in about nine days and it is the first holiday without my grandma. So with the increased in symptoms and the grief, I am striving to just maintain the next two to three months because of the holidays this month, my grandma’s birthday is next month in January and well my grandma passed away on Valentines Day which is February. So as much as I want to continue to improve and hope I do; all I can expect from myself is to be able to maintain how I am doing currently.

I do not have much else to say. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their Sunday or what is left of it. Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone’s work week goes well. Peace Out, World!!!

Sunday Randomness & Work Bullsh*t

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! It is a nice a lazy day with a bit of anxiety that I can deal with at the moment. I, of course of my typical anxiety that I deal with on the daily basis however I received a text from someone at work to see if I could work for her tonight. I always get right back to here saying whether or not I am able to work for her but I am not going to respond to her text for a two or three hours as it is her shifts I ended up covering. In fact all but one of the shifts I have covered were for her so I figure she can wait a few hours for me to respond. I am planing on informing her that I can not work for her tonight. I know I should tell her sooner than later but when I tell her my excuse, I want it to be more believable. I am not going to be lying to her as when I received her text I was busy at the time and have thing planned to do today but it is the type of plans that I can rearrange to go to work but my colleague doesn’t need to know that. I won’t be lying to her when I tell her, “sorry, I just saw your full text. I have been busy all day and am unable to work tonight.”  So, I’m not lying as I haven’t read her full text till I reply to her text. I am just frustrated that she is the one I have filled for every time except once. If I get into trouble for not responding to her text soon enough or covering shift then I will accept the consequences. Technically, on calls are suppose to cover at least one shift a month and I have had a handful of opportunities to do so this month but haven’t wanted to various reasons. Considering the other on call person hasn’t done a shift in months I don’t think I have anything to worry about in regards to getting fired but if I do get let go for that reason I will be disappointed but grateful at the same time. Don’t get me wrong I like my job for the most part. I just don’t like being on call and the irregular hours as it messes with my sleep. If I had a regular shift even if it is a night shift I would have a better sleep pattern.

So, since being on call for a night shift isn’t the right fit for me, I have been looking for other jobs. Even jobs I have had before and really didn’t like. I have considered going back to working at grocery store because at least they would be able to respect my accommodations I need for my disability. I am applying to various places and will only apply at a grocery store as last resort. I really want to become Peer Specialist again. I have been applying for various positions in the mental health field including administrative assistant and janitorial jobs at mental health agencies as once you have a foot in the door, you’re more likely to get hired within the agency.

It is the holiday season and Christmas is nine days away. I can’t help but think how difficult this Christmas is going to be for my family as it is the first holiday season without my grandma. Grief is hard no matter what but it seems more difficult the first year without the person who is gone. I hope all goes well over Christmas and that my family is able to handle it.

I just received another text from the colleague wanting me to cover her shift for her. So I turned off my phone. That way I can say that my phone was off and I didn’t receive her text or if she calls then it will go straight to voicemail. I know I should respond but I don’t want to come up with some lie. I just want to tell her that when she texted me I was unavailable and now that I read them I am unable to work.  Granted I have only read part of the text but not the full text as if I open the text then she will know it was delivered. I just don’t want to work tonight. I know I should just say I am unable to work but she is the type of person that will pressure you into working.

Now back to the grieving process of missing my grandma. I think that is part of the reason why I don’t want to work tonight. Plus, my depression and anxiety is acting up at the moment. Some of my anxiety is work related at the moment but the other part of my anxiety is PTSD related which sucks. It being winter and Christmas time my mental health symptoms tend to get worse due to past traumas, weather and shorter days. I really dislike grief, depression, anxiety and PTSD.

I think I will try to get some sleep since I didn’t sleep well last night. A nap will do me some good and then maybe I can come up with an excuse that is not a lie to my work colleague. I am turning off my phone as a precaution, just in case she or our supervisor attempts to call so it will go straight to voicemail. I informed my grandpa about it and his said “just lie saying you were taking care of me” but I don’t want to lie. I just want to say something like “I just got your text and was unavailable to respond and am unable to work tonight since I just saw the text. I am sorry for the short notice. I hope you understand” and hopefully she buys it. I did read some but not all of the message as I didn’t open the full text message so I am not exactly lying but it feel like a lie in a way even though I have been busy doing other things. An idea I have is to say I am unable to work tonight due to my disability acting up which is true or I have migraine which is also true. So when I do respond later I will most likely tell her that I’ve either been busy or been dealing with a migraine and won’t use the disability until I absolutely need to and using my disability in this case in not an absolute need to.

I think I really need to focus on making sure the symptoms of my depression, anxiety and PTSD don’t increase because I want today to continue to be another lazy Sunday. I love dealing with lazy Sundays and that is what I am gong to do despite the anxiety of not responding to colleague about working for her tonight. I will let it be a lazy Sunday and respond to her later. So here is to an enjoyable lazy Sunday despite others needs, increased mental health symptoms, grief and the expectations that Christmas brings.

Now, I am going to end this post so I can go take a nap. Thank for reading my blog. I hope you continue to read my blog and I will NOT lie to my colleague as I have been busy and have been dealing with a migraine. Not sure which truth I am going to tell her but I will text her later on. Again thank you for reading. Have a wonderful Sunday. Peace Out, World!!!

Just a Bullshit of Randomness

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It is the Sunday after Thanksgiving and this year Thanksgiving was difficult for my family and I as it is the first holiday season with out my grandma. When my grandpa said the prayer before we ate dinner on Thanksgiving he broke down crying which led me to cry.

Speaking of grandpa, he had knee surgery a few weeks ago and right now, I am taking care of him as neither one of my uncles are able to do so at the moment due to them both having to work. It is nice to be able to help him as needed. It is also nice to spend some time with him in general as he is 88 years old. For being 88 years old he is relatively good health with the exception of his recent knee surgery.

Speaking of health, I did see my doctor nearly two weeks ago. She put me on on some antibiotics due to having an abscessed tooth. Unfortunately, I needed to go to the Emergency Room the next day to get my tooth taken out. Good thing the hospital I normally go to is a teaching hospital with a dental school. I see my doctor again this Tuesday as we have appointments every two weeks to help keep me out of the hospital for both physical and mental health.

Speaking of mental health I finally saw my psychiatric nurse practitioner as she kept cancelling due to family emergencies and a death in the family. She apologized profusely about the many cancellations however I was quite understanding of the reasons why. She and I discussed my mental health as well as my psych meds. I informed her overall my meds were working except the new sleeping med which she increased. We also discussed not being able to see my therapist due to him being out sick for three weeks. She informed me that if he wasn’t back the week after Thanksgiving to give her a call to see what she could do about me seeing someone on the interim bases.

Thankfully, I didn’t need to call my psychiatric nurse practitioner regarding as my therapist came back last week, the week of Thanksgiving. I was able to see my therapist the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. We discussed a great deal regarding him being gone, my grief regarding it being the first holidays without my grandma and the upcoming holidays and how difficult they are for me due to trauma. Since my therapist is back even though part time we are working on ways to help me get through them. So my next session we are going specifically working on self care tactics so I can stay out of the hospital for psych reasons including the Emergency Room.

As the holidays are upon us, I am thinking on what I am going to give my family for the holidays. I haven’t decided yet but I think I am going to give my dads side a picture of my grandma and my moms side some hand made gifts. I highly dislike giving things that will only be exchanged for something else or gifted out to someone else.

I don’t have much else to say. Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated that I have people who read my blog on the regular basis. To you I am the most grateful for. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season even though I know it is challenging for many folks. I hope you all have a wonderful work week as well. Have good rest of your evening. Peace Out, World!!!