Self-Care Saturday

Posted on by Gertie

I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to do now that my laundry is done. I’m not even sure if I am up to going out and about because I’m a lil on edge due to PTSD symptoms. PTSD is quite difficult to deal with as the symptoms can pop up at any given point in time of day or night. It sucks a great deal.

As much as PTSD sucks, I cant let it get in the way of letting me live my life. But then again sometimes my PTSD symptoms acts up a little bit more when I am needing do take a day to do good self-care. I also have be a lil wary to make sure it is a sign to do good self-care because it can be symptoms of other diagnosis trying to sneak their way in.

As I decipher if I am needing to make an extra effort to do good self-care by laying low today, I need to go and do some light grocery shopping. In fact Junior and I are going to go grocery shopping together. We are thinking about staying in this weekend.

Yes, part of the reasoning of staying in is due to my PTSD symptoms. The other part is that we are wanting to spend some quality time together. Quality time together for us means talking about what’s going on in our lives, discussing current events as well as the books we are reading, watching movies and just plain ole enjoying each others company. If our quality time leads to making love then its a plus. A plus because of the severity of the PTSD symptoms I am having.

Despite the increase of my PTSD symptoms, I am grateful that things are slowly starting to improve. That means my concentration is improving and finally able focus on reading. I’m reading an awesome book called “High Price” by Carl Hart. I am hoping once I’m finished with the book, I will do a book review on it.

I think I need to end this post as Junior is wanting to go grocery shopping so he can make me “something special for dinner.”  Junior is an awesome cook and look forward to whatever he makes. As I end this post, I want to thank you for reading. Thanks!!! Peace out!!!

 

 

Being Future Oriented

Posted on by Gertie

Dealing with a mental health condition is a full time job in itself. Some days its like having two full time jobs. Today happens to be one of those days it feels like I have two full time jobs. Actually, it feels more like having three full time jobs at this particular moment in time.

When I’m having moments or days like I am having currently, it means that I am needing to focus on my Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills. As, I focus on my DBT skills I realize that being in my current head space that I am needing to really focus on what I need to deal to get back to doing well.

When I am doing well, I am working. Preferably, in the mental health field as it’s the field I am most passionate about. As, I think about future employment, I realize I want to further my education as it will be helpful in the mental health field. I being a peer specialist really don’t need a college education but it is quite helpful if you have one. So, it is my hope to be able to get an Associates of Applied Science degree in Social and Human Service’s with a certificate in Chemical Dependency. Getting this will make me more employable. Employable as a Peer Specialist or as a Chemical Dependency Counselor or even both.

As I think about getting an education to further my career it has me realize not working at this present moment has helped me reevaluate my life and focus on my recovery. Its also made me realize how passionate I am in regards to people being in recovery. Of course people make the decision to be in recovery and want to help others through their recovery however it looks to them.

For me blogging is part of my own recovery and as I end this post I want to thank you for reading. Thank you for reading. Peace Out!!!

Middle of the Night Ramblings

Posted on by Gertie

It’s the middle of the night in my part of the world. I woke up with a stupid nightmare. A nightmare that was a little bit more challenging that the typical PTSD nightmare I usually deal with. The nightmare was that of four babies saying I killed them. Diana, my former therapist, thought that it is my subconscious attempting to deal with the miscarriages of two sets of twins. It makes sense especially since I blame myself for the miscarriages even though the doctors don’t have a clue or a reason for the miscarriage.

Despite still dealing with the grief of two miscarriages of two sets of twins, Junior and I still want to start a family. We aren’t exactly trying to have children but we aren’t using any type of birthday control or protection either. If it happens, it happens. Whether or not we conceive and have biological children we want to adopt at least two children from foster care. We have a lot of love to give and want to share that love with the world.

Okay, on to another subject as I’m not wanting to deal with the grief of miscarrying two sets of twins. So, I’m going to talk about blogging. As I informed you in my last post, I have been blogging for three years now. I was really good at blogging on the regular basis when I first started and when I started working fulltime I didn’t make time to blog and then I became depressed and lost all interest in everything including blogging. Now that I don’t work anymore, I need to make an effort to blog on the regular basis. Most everyone knows that if you blog that blogging on the regular basis is a way to keep your followers reading and to attain new followers. I’m hoping that Junior and Mama Bear will be able to blog from their point of view on my blog at least twice a month each. We all get busy and that’s why they haven’t posted much.

Anyway, that’s enough about the boring topic of blogging. As I switch to yet another topic, I’m not sure how I’m feeling at the moment. I’m not really wanting to deal with the emotions that are popping up currently. I also know if I don’t deal with the emotions and stuff them that’s when unhealthy coping mechanisms pop up.

As my emotions pop up, I realize I need to end this post and try to go back to sleep as I have an appointment with my case manager. Before I go back to bed I plan on coloring first so I can relax. Have good night and peace out!!!

It’s Been Three Years

Posted on by Gertie

Wow!!! It’s hard to believe that it’s been three years since I started blogging. The last three years have just flown. Hell, a lot has happened in the last three years.

When I started this blog I had no clue what I was doing. I still don’t have a clue on what I am doing. It was and still is my goal of this blog to educate those who do not struggle with a mental health condition that those who do live with one can live a productive life and to give hope to those who do live with a mental health condition that recovery is possible. Little did I know when I started blogging on how much it would be helpful to me and my recovery.

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know that my recovery means the world to me. Blogging has helped me a great deal in many ways especially in regards to my recovery.

As you can tell, I am big into recovery. The reason why I am big into recovery is because as difficult as it is to be in recovery its also that much easier to be in it than it is not to be in it. It’s also a lot more fun. Granted, I may not be bouncing back as quickly as I have in recent years but I’m still in recovery as I am taking care of myself.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate you my reader and/or follower. Have a good Hump Day (Wednesday) and Peace Out!!!

The Simple Things In Life

Posted on by Gertie

Over the last few weeks, I’ve come to realize that I am needing to focus on the simple things in life. Simple things that many people tend to forget due to their busy lives or just stopped doing because they “grew out” of them.  Things I think as adults we need to learn from children and that’s to enjoy the little and simple things in life.

I may not have had the easiest of childhoods but I do remember some of the simple things I enjoyed as a kid. One, such thing I never stopped doing and seems to be “all the craze” now for adults is coloring.  Coloring is one of those activities that is a makes you think brainless activity. What I mean is that you have to think about what color you are going to use but not really have to do any other brain activity while coloring. Another such simple thing I enjoy is Play-Doh.

Yes, I did say Play-Doh.  Play-Doh helps a great deal with my anxiety. I rediscovered Play-Doh a few years ago when I was at a continuing education class for Peer Counselors. The trainer put out Play-Doh so the attendees could play with it. Needless to say, I had some fun at that training and quickly realized that I learned a great deal from that training, partly due to the Play-Doh. I tend to focus better and learn more when my hands are busy.  I always carry a little thing of Play-Doh with me.

A simple thing I wish I could carry with me everywhere is something I can not carry with me for various reasons. That simple thing is my morning tea with honey and milk in it while reading the news paper in quiet. Yes, I can do this anytime of the day or night but there is something peaceful about drinking tea and reading the paper in the morning.

Mornings as well as evenings are also perfect times to do something else simple. That is taking walks. I attempt to go for a walk both in the morning and the evening as it helps a great deal with both depression and anxiety.

Music is another simple thing that people tend to forget about. A simple thing that has helped me through some extremely difficult times in my life. Music is the one simple thing that I can rely on no matter what is going on and whether or not I am doing well in regards to my mental health conditions.

If it weren’t for the difficulties I have had the last seven or so months as things slowly start to improve, I wouldn’t have been focusing on getting to the point where I am at right now which focusing on the simple things in life. Yes, some of the simple thing in life I enjoy maybe considered “childish” or “just joining the craze” but if it weren’t for those simple things I don’t think things would be improving as they are now. Granted I’m improving as fast as I would like but I am improving.

As things slowly start to improve for me, focusing on the simple things will help out a great deal. As I end this post please take time out and focus on the simple things in your life and how it could help you out. Thank you for reading. Peace out!!!

Depression Vs. Blogging

Posted on by Gertie

As I sit here struggling to blog, I realize that this ongoing bought of depression is what has been hindering me with blogging.  I realized early on in my blogging days (and I think I’m still pretty green at it) that it actually helps me manage the symptoms of my mental health conditions. With all honesty it came to me as a complete shock to me because I was expecting to help others with their recovery as well as educate those who don’t live with a mental health condition and not necessarily help me along my recovery path.

The recovery path I want to be back on is one that I know what helps me even when I am in a most vulnerable state like I am in now. I don’t like admitting that I am in a vulnerable state. I guess on a plus side of it is, that I want others to see that people are in recovery do go backwards and end up back on their feet again.

I am hoping as I slowly get back on my feet that I will be active in blogging as it helps with my depression symptoms as well as the other symptoms of other mental health conditions I am diagnosed with. Actually, if I want to get back on my feet one of the many ways is to be active in blogging.  Unfortunately, blogging is going to take a lot of effort for me to blog as my depression is still acting up and my concentration isn’t all that great. At the risk of repeating myself for the millionth time, blogging has helped me a great deal with my own recovery which is why I will give every attempt to blog once a week and hopefully have Mama Bear or Junior do a guest piece once a week. I know from experience if I post regularly it keeps people interested even if my depression is acting up. As you read in my previous post my thinking doesn’t always help my emotions and vise versa. That’s why I am wanting to blog more as it helps with processing my thoughts.

As, I end this post please take a moment of silence for those who lost their lives fighting for our freedom. For those of you who regularly read my blog and don’t live in the United States, today is Memorial Day. Memorial Day is a day where remember those who lost their lives fight for our freedom. As you enjoy your time with your friends and family today don’t forget those who made that time with your loved ones possible. Happy Memorial, everyone and Peace Out!!!

Spinning Like a Hamster Wheel

Posted on by Gertie

My mind is spinning like a hamster wheel and my emotions as well as my thinking are most likely the culprits of the hamster wheel spinning.  A spinning hamster wheel is never a good thing for me.  A spinning hamster wheel is usually never a good thing for anyone.

As I mentioned, the culprits of the annoying spinning hamster wheel are my thinking and my emotions. At this point in time I’m thinking that my thinking is effecting my emotions.  This leads me to what I need to help myself to stop the hamster wheel or at least slow it down. I will have to use a combination of both Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) skills and Dialectical Behavior (DBT) skills.

Despite being in a place I don’t want to be in that I am slowing climbing out of, I realize I am far enough in my recovery that I need to use some CBT skills along with my DBT skills. I prefer DBT over CBT but realize there are times when using CBT is just as beneficial as DBT.  I know favoring one over the other isn’t a good idea but I feel like DBT has helped me more in my recovery than  CBT has.  Weather or not what was more helpful to me and my recovery, there are times when using both sets of skills are extremely helpful.

Before I end this post to go and use skills, I realized that blogging about the spinning hamster wheel has slowed it down. So, thank you for reading. If it were for you the reader, I wouldn’t still be blogging. Again, thank you for reading. Happy Memorial Day weekend. Peace Out!!!

I Didn’t Do What I Feared I Might Do

Posted on by Gertie

If you read my last post you know that I feared yelling at both my psychiatric nurse practitioner and new therapist when I went to go see them this past Monday (May 22nd). Well, I didn’t yell or scream and neither of them especially after the news I got.

The news I received was that my psychiatric nurse practitioner will no longer be working for the program I am a part of at the mental health agency I am consumer (client) of. Yet this is another change in my treatment team that I don’t need at this point in time. Yes, it angers me but there is nothing I can do about it. I can however request that since my ARNP is a male and/or is at the location where my therapist is. I will request this when I see my case manager on Thursday. See, when my last ARNP retired I requested a male prescriber because I felt like and still feel like it will be helpful to my recovery especially with PTSD. It would also be nice to not have to go to three different locations of the mental health agency I go to see three different people which is why I would like to see whomever the new prescriber will be at, at the location where my therapist is. I am hoping that they will give me what I request as I have a lot changes as well as a great deal of loss in recent months.

As I’m writing this post, I realize I need to stop for now as I am starting to get angry as well as sad and I don’t want to get into a bad space. I just wanted to let you know how things went last Monday. I hope you al have a good night. Happy Memorial Day Weekend!!! Peace Out!!!

The Fear of What I Might Do

Posted on by Gertie

At this point in time I am angry. I don’t like being angry and grew up told that I was not allowed to be angry. In fact showing any emotion while growing up was extremely frowned upon.

Unfortunately, due to not being able to show emotions growing up, I learned some unhealthy coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms that are creeping back into my life and am attempting to not let them do so.

Those coping mechanisms are me stuffing my anger to where I do one of two things. I either explode by screaming and yelling which is usually done in a place I feel at least somewhat safe. Safe meaning I know I won’t get hurt because of my unacceptable behavior of screaming and yelling. Or I end up self harming. Something else I don’t want to do.

I tell you this because I fear of what I might do today and its partly because of my own unacceptable behavior of screaming and yelling I had on Friday at the mental health agency I am a client of.  I fear that I’m going to yell at my psychiatric nurse practitioner for a number of reasons I might disclose in a later post. I also fear that I am going to yell at my new therapist for something that is beyond her control and not fair to her. Hell, yelling on my psychiatric nurse practitioner might not be fair to him either.

I tell you this in hopes that if I share with you what I fear I might do that I won’t do it. That fear is yelling at the people who are only trying help me. I’m sharing this in hopes that I can be accountable to someone and that someone is you the reader of my blog. I hope at this moment in time that I’m not asking too much of you my reader.

On a good note, I am quite positive that I won’t act on any potential self harm urges. At this point in time the urges are nothing to be concerned about. I have a safety plan in place as a “just in case” if self harm urges become unmanageable.  So just be aware that I will get help if self harm urges appear to be unmanageable.

I appreciate each one of you who read my blog. I hope each one of you have a good Monday and wonderful work week. Peace Out!!!

A Painful Holiday Called Mother’s Day

Posted on by Gertie

I am struggling to write this particular post as it has to do with the topic of mothers. In most of the world, today its Mother’s Day. A day that can be quite painful for may individuals out there.

I know for me, Mothers Day has been a source of pain for the last 35 years. I say 35 years because my mom abandoned me and my dad when I was just the tender age of three. As difficult as it was growing up with out my mom being an active participant in my life, I am beyond grateful that I have a loving father in my life that made sure I had a positive woman influence in my life. I call her grandma. My grandma went above and beyond the call of duty and am thrilled that she took on the motherly role.

Even though my grandma played the motherly role in my life as best as she could it didn’t really fill the whole I needed from my own mom. To this day, my mom hasn’t played much of a role in my life. Well, she has played a role but it has been the role of negativity. My mom blames me a great deal with how her life ended up. I realize that having a child changes things however don’t blame the child for your life decisions. Especially decisions beyond anyone control.

Things beyond one’s control is another reason why Mothers Day is so painful for me. I miscarried two sets of twins. As much as not having a loving and caring mother around, loosing a child or in my case four children hurts like hell. When today comes around it makes me acutely aware on how difficult it is to deal with the pain of the loss of miscarrying. Pain I haven’t dealt with and really need to deal with. Pain I hope that someday I can deal with and hopefully sooner than later.

At this point in time, I realize that I’m needing to stop this particular post as it is getting difficult to continue at this moment in time.  I hope each and everyone has a good Mothers Day despite how painful it can be. Peace Out!!!