Tag Archives: Depression

Mixtures of Emotions of Not Going to Work Today

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World from Seattle!!! Right now I am having some mixed emotions about not going to work today as I don’t start work till 12:00noon on Mondays and it is 2:22pm in the afternoon. I didn’t go to work due to vomiting most of last night which is most likely due to food poisoning. Not only my depression and PTSD is severely acting up. Going to work when my mental health challenges are acting up seems to help when I am at work as I am not focusing on my own shit. I love my job and love helping the clients I serve as well as helping out my colleagues.

To catch you up from my last blog post, I ended up doing a mindfulness meditation with the Calm App with my cat Billie, on my lap purring. I think he gets as much of the Calm App as I do. I am grateful that Billie, my cat joins me with my mindfulness meditation with the Calm App a good eighty percent of the time. In fact even when I don’t do the Calm App, I still am able to do mindfulness meditation with Billie my cat when he lays on my lap and purrs. It’s amazing how both the Calm App and my cat, Billie help me with my mindfulness meditation practices.

After doing mindfulness meditation practices, I ended up going back to sleep since I woke up pretty early and vomited most of the night. I must have needed the sleep as I think I still need the sleep because I am still tired as hell. I think the lack of sleep was a combination of vomiting most of the night as well as insomnia and PTSD symptoms related to the most recent trauma I experienced as well as other past traumas I experienced in the past as child and young adult.

So, enough about other boring crap and back to more boring shit. When I woke up from a nap, I decided to make sure I ate some lunch. As I tend to not eat due to trauma related shit as well as being depressed. I really think the PTSD and trauma is what is causing the depression symptoms which highly sucks shit. After eating, I took a shower which helped me feel slightly better but not better enough to feel like going to work would be helpful for me, my clients or my colleagues.

As much as I wish I felt well enough to go to work as it could be helpful but I am partially happy that I didn’t go. My plan for today is to do some arts and crafts while listening to music. One of the art projects I plan on doing is coloring and of course while listening to music. Another art project I will attempt to do is Diamond Art while listening to music. I am also planning on doing craft projects that include Latch Hook and Cross Stitch. Of course music will be playing in the background.

In fact everything, I am doing today is a part of my DBT Skills. DBT skills help me a great deal when I don’t sleep well as well as when my PTSD, Trauma issues and Depression happens to be acting up. I would be lying if I told you that I wasn’t struggling with self harm because I am. That is why I am planning on doing everything I mention in this particular blog post but will not self harm.

I don’t have much more to discuss in this particular blog post except that spending time with my cat Billie, doing mindfulness meditation practices and being creative will be quite helpful for me. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Taking A Self Care Day Off From Work

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World from Seattle as it is still morning from Seattle!!! I am supposed to be working today as it is Monday. In fact Mondays are my Tuesdays. My work schedule on Mondays is that I work 12:00pm to 8:00pm while I work 8:00am to 4:00pm on Sundays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays except when I am doing crisis coverage.

Since I called in sick today due PTSD symptoms that caused me to vomit most of the night, I informed the bosses that I vomited due to the possibility of food poisoning and that I most likely will be back to work tomorrow. I have to take a client to the Social Security office which can last hours which sucks shit.

After calling in sick via text message and email, I did a mindfulness meditation practice with the Calm App. Doing mindfulness meditation with Calm App is extremely helpful for me. I also do mindfulness with my cat, Billie as he lays on my lap purring as I pet him.

As for the rest of the day, I plan on doing some self care with arts and crafts while listening to music. I am first planning on starting with coloring as I listen to music as that will be something I am able to do that isn’t so frustrating at times. Of course while still listening to music, I plan on doing some cross stitching as I know that cross stitching can take some time to do. Another thing I plan on doing that will take patience and time while listening to music is doing diamond art. It’s a bit challenging to do but it is fun.

After doing some arts and craft listening to music, I plan on reading a book that I am really enjoying. It is called The Sorority Murder by Allison Brennan. I personally think I would have been finished with by now if I didn’t have a recent traumatic trauma within the last month. I am hoping to get finished with the book by this Saturday (September 9th of this year).

I do not have much more to say in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. If it wasn’t for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. It is greatly appreciated that you the reader, read my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Too Tired to Sleep & It’s Only 1:49pm Seattle Time

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World. I haven’t had the best sleep most of last night and all day today. Despite how I attempted to sleep last night for a good night of sleep as well as getting a good nap today, I was unable to do so. It sucks shit that I am so sleepy especially when I am trying to do various things to relax enough to get some sort of sleep.

One of the things that I had done on several occasions is doing mindfulness meditation practices which helps a great deal especially when I am so tired as well as being so anxious. I am so grateful for mindfulness meditation through the Calm App.

Something else I did was going to go to the Farmers Market in my neighborhood. In fact I took a friend with me to hang out with this friend. I wanted to treat her to an awesome food known as a breakfast sandwich. She agrees it’s the best breakfast sandwich she has ever had. Even though I go to this farmers market every Saturday, my friend and I are going to attend together twice a month.

After parting ways with my friend from the farmers market, I came home to spend time with my cat, Billie asI am listening to music. Specifically, I am listening to my Childhood Playlist music on Spotify. In fact it is over 16 hours long and close to 175 songs.

Speaking of music I am planning on listening to music as I do some arts and crafts. I plan on doing some art work via coloring. Coloring helps me keep myself grounded. The crafts I am planning on doing is cross stitching. That is if my cat Billie doesn’t want to play with the string. I am also going to attempt to teach myself how to Latch Hook. I am doing my best to teach myself to teach myself to Latch Hook but I am finding somewhat interesting and relaxing.

Due to the lack of sleep, everything I have been doing today has been helping with the PTSD shit although it still pretty bad due to the lack of sleep.

I do not not have much more to say in the particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of my things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you not reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Too Early To Be Awaken on My Weekend

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! As I start this particular post it is exactly 3:45 in the blasted morning on a Friday morning in Seattle. A Friday that is considered my weekend as Friday’s and Saturdays are my weekend. It is too early to be up this early during my weekend and it sucks shit. I woke up due to the fact of an extreme nightmare that consisted of body memories that make it feel like not just the most recent trauma happened but past traumas happened all at the same time. Having nightmares that include body memories are not the easiest thing to deal with especially so early in the morning.

Sadly, my PTSD symptoms are increasing my depression symptoms. Increased depression means that I have to be more intuned with myself regarding self harm urges as well as making sure that I don’t become suicidal. Thankfully, I am currently not suicidal. Sadly, I do have some self harm urges but at least they are at a manageable level. A level where I can create my own safety plan without the help of others such as friends or my mental health treatment team with the exception of my beloved cat, Billie as Billie helps a great deal with my safety planning.

I think I will start my safety plan with some mindfulness meditation to help me get into a better head space to help me with the rest of my safety plan.

As of right now, I think I will work on some artwork. Specifically, the artwork I will be working on is some coloring. Coloring is a great way to help me relax and focus on something creative that will help me do something more challenging to do when I am currently in the head space that I am currently in especially when I listen to music as I color. Music and coloring appear to be helpful together for me to refocus. So, I am hoping that as I color and listen to music with my cat laying by my side I can get into the mindset of reading a novel I am reading.

The novel I am currently reading is The Sorority Murder by Allison Brennan. So, far it is keeping my attention especially when I am in an okay head space. I highly recommend the book. I am really enjoying this book and encourage you to read the book.

In all honesty I hope I can get back to sleep due to the insomnia that is caused by stupid ass PTSD symptoms and I really hope my safety plan will help with me falling back to sleep. At least I know my cat is quite helpful with helping me sleep.

I do not have much more to discuss in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog as if it was not for you my reader, reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you read my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. I hope everyone has a good Friday ahead of them. Peace Out, World.

Weekly Check-In

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! It is Saturday evening and I am starting to do my weekly check-ins again. I just want to keep you the reader as engaged as possible. I know it sounds silly especially since I just talk about my boring life.

So, this week I went back to work after being gone for about a month due to medical reasons. Well technically I was on leave due to a trauma. A trauma that hit me to my core that sadly triggered some severe PTSD symptoms from past traumas. Traumas that I personally don’t really want to deal with especially things I thought I already dealt with.

Enough with discussing trauma and back to discussing work. Being back to work is a bit weird. I am happy to be back to work but it just feels weird. I love my job and am grateful to be back and only had to take my extra break once.

Part of my work week I spent two days at the Peer Pathways Conference. It was a huge growing experience for me. Hell, it was a growing experience for many in attendance for many folks who attended the conference this year. It was also great to meet in person again. I did have some sensory overload during the conference however I enjoyed myself.

I also had a session with my therapist which was hard but hard in a good way. My therapist is awesome and appreciated what she has to say. I also had an appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner. We of discussed meds and one of them was increased to help with my PTSD symptoms.

It wouldn’t be a weekly check-in without discussing my awesome cat, Billie. I love my cat and am grateful to have him in my life. It is hard to think about life without him. He is a very good and loving kitty.

I don’t have much more to say. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

A Bundle of Emotions

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! Right now I am dealing with many various emotions. Some emotions I wish I didn’t have to deal with however I know if I don’t sit with them and radically accept them as they are things tend to get worse for me. On that note, my mental health team and doctor think that I am doing “okay” mental health wise considering what I went through two weeks ago even though I feel like I am going backwards with my mental health. It has been brought to my attention by a friend that I am having “unrealistic expectations” of myself and where I feel like I should be regarding my recovery after being hurt like I was and my mental health agrees. Hell, I agree because I wouldn’t expect my friend or my clients to be in a good place after being assaulted.

I am currently excited and anxious about going back to work this Sunday (August 20th). I am excited because I love my job and the people I work with as well as love the people I am able to serve. I am also excited to go back to work because I feel like the structure of work will help me get back to some form of normalcy of my life. Plus, structure tends to be something I need and crave due to my mental health disability as well as other disabilities such as ADHD. I am anxious to go back to work because I feel like I am going to be in trouble and that my supervisors will be more focused on how I am doing emotionally versus how I am doing the job. I know that my supervisors are super supportive however I am extremely self-conscious.

Being hurt like I was, it has brought up a lot of past traumas I have experienced in my life. It feels like I am experiencing most of the traumas all over again. I realize this is completely normal but I feel like I am abnormal. My therapist’s direct supervisor told me last Friday that “feelings are not facts.” Kind of hard to argue with that fact. Having C-PTSD sucks shit but at least I know what to do to help myself. One thing is to read as it helps me get out of my head and focus on something that doesn’t cause emotional pain. Another thing that helps in listening to music as I color. Also doing a mindfulness meditation is quite helpful. Something else that is helping is making sure I eat regularly as well as drinking plenty of water. Drinking plenty of water right now is key as the weather here in Seattle is hot and experiencing a heat wave. Of course my cat, Billie is quite helpful.

I do not have much more to say in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Again, thank you from the bottome of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

No Sleep For Me

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is 4:14 in the morning, Seattle time. I am tired and a cranky bucket. Despite actually attempting to sleep, sleep was a no go for me. I suspect a lot of it has to deal with the recent sexual assault I have experienced. My cat, Billie has been quite a comfort for me since I adopted him over three years ago however he appears to be more of comfort to me after being raped. I think he can pick up on what is going on with my emotions.

On that note since being comforted by my cat, Billie and not being able to get sleep, I did a lot of arts and crafts. I did a lot of coloring because that appeared to be less frustrating for me. As far as Diamond Art goes it appears to be more frustrating for me due to all the little pieces involved but I am sure once I get the hang of it, it will become more enjoyable. I am sort of getting the idea of latch hooking and am enjoying it. I am watching a lot of YouTube videos on latch hooking which is great. At far a cross stitching goes, I am loving it and enjoying it. I just have one issue, my cat, Billie wants to play with the thread or string as he thinks it is. I love being able to do arts and crafts with my cat, Billie by my side.

I do not have much more to say in this particular post. I do want to thank you my readers for reading my post especially as of lately since my post have been more depressive and traumatic than usual. Again, thank you for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Struggling with Recent Sexual Assault but Using Coping Skills & Self Care Techniques to Help

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World from Seattle, Washington. It is 1:11 in the morning Seattle time and I am unable to sleep. I am unable to sleep mainly due to a recent rape I’ve experience within the last few days ago. I am dealing with some very intense emotions regarding the sexual assault.

As I am tired and sleeping I am hoping to get some sleep tonight and I hope the coping skills and self care techniques I use will be helpful. I of course am planning on doing creative stuff. I will of course be doing work on diamond art as well as doing some coloring. Of course I will be doing some crafting of Latching Hooking which I am still trying to get the hang of doing the proper techniques. Now as the crossing stitching I am getting better at it and learning the various stitches.

I don’t have much more to say in this particular blog. I just want to thank you for reading my blog even though it is a little on the depressing side.Peace Out World!!!

A Little Art to Brighten not Just My Day but Other Peoples Days As Well. (Art piece not finished yet)

Posted on by Gertie
This is the picture I started to do today. No official colors in this picture.
This is the same picture but this time it has some color on it. Mainly on the top but some on the bottom. I hope as I continue to color that I will continue to share.

I have decided to color pictures and share them with you and how you can see the progress is coming along. Today was the first day of doing so I hope I can continue to do this in hopes to get more people to follow my blog. I really hope you enjoy my coloring artwork. Peace out, World!!!

Too Long of a Post about Arts & Crafts

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! I was to work today but sadly, I called in sick as I needed to take a mental health day. I have realized that I haven’t done much self care as it is needed to do in any line of work but especially the mental health field and greatly love my work with a passion.

Much to my surprise my family has been encouraging me to do some self care for myself. I am just shocked as hell that it came from my grandpa. I love my grandpa so much. In fact my dad has been encouraging me for weeks to do some self care which I plan on doing.

Just like my family, my friends have been insisting on me doing self care. I am so thrilled that I have friends that care about me. I have the best friends in the world.

As some of you know, I have Anxiety, Depression and Complex PTSD along with treatment resistant Insomnia. Having insomnia sucks and the lack of sleep makes the symptoms of my other mental health challenges that become more symptomatic.

Due to the lack of sleep, I make sure I do a mindfulness meditation practice to start the day when I get up as well as to end the day before bed time. I highly recommend doing some mindfulness meditation.

Anyway, I want to bring something up that might help me with my mental health and my job. First of reading as I love to read. I highly enjoy reading. I am currently reading The Sorority Murder by Allison Brennan. It is a very intriguing book.

As far as arts and crafts I plan on doing is nothing new especially when it comes to art work, specifically when it comes to coloring. I have also dabbled in painting but I am not very good at. I hope to do more painting and coloring especially since I ordered more coloring pages from Stuff2Color. The coloring stuff I got from Stuff2Color and still have a lot of canvas that I bought a while ago and haven’t done anything about. Now it is just time to by paint and paint brushes.

Now on to the crafts part of arts and crafts.I have ordered some Latch Hook stuff already and have ordered more so I can make them for people and their special day whatever that may be as well as donate to local nonprofits so when they have an auction it will hopefully bring in some money. I know not much money but every penny helps for nonprofits. I do need a lot of practice with a latch hook.

Of course,the other crafting I will be doing is crossing stitching. I did cross stitch back in my twenties and really enjoyed doing it. I am not sure why I stopped but I plan to start back up again. I hope to give people a finished product as well as give to local nonprofits who auction off such stuff during a big fundraiser.

Before I forge a friend of mine who is also a neighbor introduced a thing called Diamond Art. It looks intriguing to do as it seems it can take a while to do as there are so many little pieces. I ordered some and am looking forward to doing this Diamond Art.

Of course when I am doing arts or crafts, I will be listening to music or a podcast. Listening to music or podcasts helps me concentrate on being able to focus the text at hand which is Arts and Crafts.

I do not have more to say in this blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Again, thank from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!