Writting 201: Poetry; Day Four: Imperfect, Limerick, Enjambment

UNTITLED POEM

(For Now)

by Gertie

All you seem to care about are my scars,

You don’t care about me wanting to jump in front of the moving cars.

Suicide is on my mind,

Wish you could be kind.

Please tell me a corny joke about being in a bar.

(Side Note: I wrote this poem back in February when I was feeling extremely suicidal. I AM NOT FEELING SUIDAL NOW)

Writing 201: Poetry; Day Three: Skin, Prose Poem, Internal Rhyme

You Know Me Not, You See Me Not

by Gertie

You know my name

Not my story

You see my smile

Not my pain

You see my cuts

Not my scars

You can read my lips

Not my mind

Writing 201: Poetry; Day Two: Gift, Acrostic, Simile

R.E.C.O.V.E.R.Y

by Gertie

Recovery is a gift. A gift not everyone chooses to open,

Eagerly trying to open it, to see what it has to offer.

Consciously striving,

One must not forget where they once were.

Valleys so deep,

Earnestly grasping the cliffs that surround the valley.

Recovery is just a grasp a way.

Yes, the gift of recovery one chooses to open is a gift one must work for

Daily Prompt: If I Could Turn Back Time

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “If I Could Turn Back Time.” If you could return to the past to relive a part of your life, either to experience the wonderful bits again, or to do something over, which part of you life would you return to? Why?

I personally think we all have moments where we could turn back time to do over or even re-experience something good or joyous in our life. Who wouldn’t want to do an embarrassing day they experienced in junior high / middle school? Who wouldn’t want to experience a time in their life where it was a joyous or wonderful? I know for me that there are plenty of embarrassing moments from junior high I would love to do over again. I also know I would love to re-experience all the wonderful experiences I have had.

But truthfully, I don’t know if there is a time I would want to turn back. I say this because if we go back and change things then it would change the course of our lives. Despite all the pain and suffering I have experienced in my life; it has made me the person I am today. Granted if I could turn back time; I wouldn’t want to struggle with a mental illness. Then again, my mental health diagnosis has helped shaped on who I am as a person. I’m not my mental illness but it has shaped me and for the better. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t wish a mental illness on anyone but its helped make me realize who I am as a person and what direction my life is going. It’s just like I wouldn’t wish anyone to get hurt like I did as a child (including those who abused me) nor would I want to re-experience being hurt again but its helped me be the person I am today. As much as I don’t like some of the aspects of what I experienced in my life I am grateful that it has made me who I am today. Yes, the positive experiences have made me who I am today as well and I still wouldn’t want to relive them for the same reason as the negative experiences. Turning back time would just make me a different person and that is why I wouldn’t want to do it at all. I’ve learned that as much as I want to turn back time at times that there is no going back. Enjoy what you have in the moment.

For me enjoying what I have in the moment is the best way to live my life and not turn back time. I hope everyone takes the time today to enjoy the moment that they are living in. Life is too short to not enjoy the current moment. Have a wonderful day and peace out!!

Writing 201: Poetry; Day One: Screen, Haiku, Alliteration

An Untitled Haiku

(For now)

by Gertie

One size fits all doesn’t work.

Recovery is a unique process.

As unique as you and I.

Weekly Goals

Happy Monday!!! It is the start of another work week and like always I was looking forward to going to work today but still not feeling all that well so I called into work sick. I love the fact that I look forward to going to work each day even when I am unable to do so. It being Monday, it also means it is time to do my weekly goals. Like always I will start with how I did with my last weeks goals.

1)  Read Speaker of the Dead by Orson Scott Card. I only read a total of three pages but I read. I ended up starting to read another book that highly encouraged for those of us who work in the mental health field to read.

2)  Work on jigsaw puzzle. I spent a great deal of time work on the puzzle this week since I haven’t been feeling all that well.

3)  Color. Another thing I spent a great deal of time doing this week since I wasn’t feeling all that well.

4)  Writing 101: Finding Your Inspiration. I finishing up Writing 101. I learned a great deal from it and hope to continue finding inspiration in everything.

5)  Update my résumé. Yup, I update my résumé. I was even able to update my references with both my previous and current supervisor  of my current employer.

6)  Work on cover letter. I updated my cover letter. I find it difficult to look at my strengths but was able to do so.

7)  Apply for a least one job. Yup, I applied for a job. It was only one job but it is the job I most want.

8)  Work on a self-help workbook; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, PhD., Jeffery C. Wood, PSY.D., and Jeffrey Brantley, MD. I managed to do a couple of pages. It was difficult to do since I haven’t been feeling all that well.

9)  See my therapist on Wednesday. Yup, I saw my therapist despite not feeling well. We discussed how I need to focus on what my body is trying to tell me. I find it difficult sometimes.

Despite not feeling well this past week, I managed to accomplish every goal. Now it is time to share with you my goals for this week.

1)  Read Speaker of the Dead by Orson Scott Card.  I am bound and determined to finish this book. I am loving the book, it just seem to be taking longer than usual to read.

2)  Work on jigsaw puzzle. I am loving how the puzzle is slowly progressing.

3)  Color. The various coloring pages or posters I am working on are finally showing some progress.

4)  Start Writing 201: Poetry. I am taking another course that WordPress puts on to help improve ones blogging skills. I am looking forward this particular course because I love poetry.

5)  Work on a self-help workbook; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, PhD., Jeffery C. Wood, PSY.D., and Jeffrey Brantley, MD. I am actually grateful that I have decided to do this workbook. It has helped me remember how much I have improved with DBT skills over the years.

6)  See my therapist on Wednesday. Yes, I see my therapist again on Wednesday. I’m thinking it is a great thing because I have been feeling a little on the downside. Don’t worry I am pretty sure it is just because I haven’t been feeling well.

Well, it seems like I have been having some of the same goals for awhile now. I am thinking that next week I will have to change things up a little when it comes to my goals. I am greatly appreciative of the blogging event over at: http://greenembe.rs/2015/10/05/building-rome-week-40-for-2015/ Have a wonderful week. Peace Out!!

Can I Have Just One Night Without Nightmares

I woke up about an hour ago with a nightmare. A nightmare that could have possibly turned into a screaming nightmare if Junior didn’t gently wake me up. The above picture is not me but that’s how I tend to end up after a horrific nightmare like the one I had tonight.

Like the loving partner, Junior is, he comforted me. As I was curled up in the fetal position, Junior asked if it was okay to rub my back and I shook my yes. As Junior rubbed my back I slowly felt safe enough to get out of the fetal position to allow myself to be held by Junior. As Junior held me I cried. I cried out the emotions that have haunted me for years.

After a nice long, good cry with Junior, we are now up. Junior put in a movie and decided to bake some chocolate cupcakes as I blog and watch the movie. I know it is going to take some time to recover from the nightmare I had tonight and I am radically accepting that moment.

For those who are not familiar with Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), radical acceptance is a skill. A skill that is defined as: complete and total acceptance of something; accepting reality. Radical acceptance is one of the key components of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

Radical acceptance is not the easiest of skills to master. I am speaking from experience. It is something that I will need to continue to practice so I can master it or at least come close to. It is a skill that I find difficult for many reason that I hope to explain at a later date.

I know I am needing to go so I can continue to radically accept the nightmare. I also want to focus on the movie and spend time with Junior. I hope everyone has a wonderful Saturday. Have a great weekend and peace out!!

Writing 101: Finding Your Inspiration; Day Twenty: The Future

Today is the last day of Writing 101: Finding Your Inspiration. I am a wee bit sad that it is the last day. I have learned a great deal from this course. One of the many things I have learned from this course is the many ways I am able to find inspiration to write, weather it is for my blog or personal writings.

Speaking of writing, todays assignment is to write about the future. We were given many different prompts to choose from to write about the future. I am choosing to not pick one of those prompts to discuss the future. I have chosen my own topic to discuss in regards to the future. I have chosen to discuss about my career and its future.

As many of you know I work in the mental health field as a Consumer Aide. I have had this position for the last year. Part of the reason why I am a Consumer Aide is because I was unable to get a job as a Peer Specialist last year (2014) due to the fact that I didn’t have enough paid experience. Don’t get me wrong I love my job with a passion. I just really want to be a Peer Specialist.

Now that I have worked a year in the mental health field, I figure that I have enough paid experience. Plus it looks better on a résumé the longer you are at an employer. I have been thinking a great deal about my future in regards to my career the last several years and the last year has confirmed that I am meant to work in the mental health field. I love being able to help people.

Yesterday, I took another step in making my dream come true in regards to moving up in the mental health field. I applied for a Peer Specialist job yesterday with my supervisors “blessing.” She said that she would be more than willing to be a reference for me “even if it is for a different agency.” In fact my previous supervisor said something similar in an email. It feels good knowing that I am good at what I do and that I have the “blessings” of both my current and previous supervisors. Unfortunately, the agency I currently work for, don’t have any Peer Specialist openings at the moment. If they did I would have applied to them first instead of a different agency. I really want the job as a Peer Specialist and hope I get the job but at this moment in time, I just want a call saying that I got an interview.

The one thing I have learned about applying for jobs is to not put your life on hold waiting for a call to see if you got a interview much less the job especially the interview. I have found out from experience that if employers like your résumé  and/or your cover letter they will call you within two weeks to set up an interview. In most cases, employers will let you know if you got the job or not within two weeks. I did have one agency interview me last year that never got back to me even when I emailed them inquiring weather or not I got the job. That’s okay because I now realize maybe its not an agency I want to work for anyway and for a multitude of reasons. I am happy with the experience I have gotten with how various agencies work in regards to their hiring process.

As I end this last assignment of Writing 101: Finding Your Inspiration can you all please send out positive energy and vibes that I get an interview. It will be much appreciated. Have a Happy Friday and Peace Out!!

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Happy Friday everyone. It is another Friday and that means it is time for my educational blogging feature. Today’s topic is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I got the following information from: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. In 1980, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders, Third Edition (DSM-III) listed BPD as a diagnosable illness for the first time. Most psychiatrists and other mental health professionals use the DSM to diagnose mental illnesses.

Because some people with severe BPD have brief psychotic episodes, experts originally thought of this illness as atypical, or borderline, versions of other mental disorders. While mental health experts now generally agree that the name “borderline personality disorder” is misleading, a more accurate term does not exist yet.

Most people who have BPD suffer from:

  • Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts
  • Impulsive and reckless behavior
  • Unstable relationships with other people.

People with this disorder also have high rates of co-occurring disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders, along with self-harm, suicidal behaviors, and completed suicides.

Causes

Research on the possible causes and risk factors for BPD is still at a very early stage. However, scientists generally agree that genetic and environmental factors are likely to be involved.

Studies on twins with BPD suggest that the illness is strongly inherited. Another study shows that a person can inherit his or her temperament and specific personality traits, particularly impulsiveness and aggression. Scientists are studying genes that help regulate emotions and impulse control for possible links to the disorder.

Social or cultural factors may increase the risk for BPD. For example, being part of a community or culture in which unstable family relationships are common may increase a person’s risk for the disorder. Impulsiveness, poor judgment in lifestyle choices, and other consequences of BPD may lead individuals to risky situations. Adults with borderline personality disorder are considerably more likely to be the victim of violence, including rape and other crimes.

Signs & Symptoms

According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms:

  • Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
  • A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
  • Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
  • Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
  • Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
  • Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
  • Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

Seemingly mundane events may trigger symptoms. For example, people with BPD may feel angry and distressed over minor separations—such as vacations, business trips, or sudden changes of plans—from people to whom they feel close. Studies show that people with this disorder may see anger in an emotionally neutral face and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder.

Suicide and Self-harm

Self-injurious behavior includes suicide and suicide attempts, as well as self-harming behaviors, described below. As many as 80 percent of people with BPD have suicidal behaviors, and about 4 to 9 percent commit suicide.

Suicide is one of the most tragic outcomes of any mental illness. Some treatments can help reduce suicidal behaviors in people with BPD. For example, one study showed that dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) reduced suicide attempts in women by half compared with other types of psychotherapy, or talk therapy. DBT also reduced use of emergency room and inpatient services and retained more participants in therapy, compared to other approaches to treatment.

Unlike suicide attempts, self-harming behaviors do not stem from a desire to die. However, some self-harming behaviors may be life threatening. Self-harming behaviors linked with BPD include cutting, burning, hitting, head banging, hair pulling, and other harmful acts. People with BPD may self-harm to help regulate their emotions, to punish themselves, or to express their pain. They do not always see these behaviors as harmful.

Who Is At Risk?

According to data from a subsample of participants in a national survey on mental disorders, about 1.6 percent of adults in the United States have BPD in a given year.  BPD usually begins during adolescence or early adulthood. Some studies suggest that early symptoms of the illness may occur during childhood.

Diagnosis

Unfortunately, BPD is often underdiagnosed or misdiagnosed.

A mental health professional experienced in diagnosing and treating mental disorders—such as a psychiatrist, psychologist, clinical social worker, or psychiatric nurse—can detect BPD based on a thorough interview and a discussion about symptoms. A careful and thorough medical exam can help rule out other possible causes of symptoms.

The mental health professional may ask about symptoms and personal and family medical histories, including any history of mental illnesses. This information can help the mental health professional decide on the best treatment. In some cases, co-occurring mental illnesses may have symptoms that overlap with BPD, making it difficult to distinguish borderline personality disorder from other mental illnesses. For example, a person may describe feelings of depression but may not bring other symptoms to the mental health professional’s attention.

Women with BPD are more likely to have co-occurring disorders such as major depression, anxiety disorders, or eating disorders. In men, BPD is more likely to co-occur with disorders such as substance abuse or antisocial personality disorder. According to the NIMH-funded National Comorbidity Survey Replication—the largest national study to date of mental disorders in U.S. adults—about 85 percent of people with BPD also meet the diagnostic criteria for another mental illness. Other illnesses that often occur with BPD include diabetes, high blood pressure, chronic back pain, arthritis, and fibromyalgia. These conditions are associated with obesity, which is a common side effect of the medications prescribed to treat BPD and other mental disorders.

No single test can diagnose BPD. Scientists funded by NIMH are looking for ways to improve diagnosis of this disorder. One study found that adults with BPD showed excessive emotional reactions when looking at words with unpleasant meanings, compared with healthy people. People with more severe BPD showed a more intense emotional response than people who had less severe BPD.

Treatments

BPD is often viewed as difficult to treat. However, recent research shows that BPD can be treated effectively, and that many people with this illness improve over time.

BPD can be treated with psychotherapy, or “talk” therapy. In some cases, a mental health professional may also recommend medications to treat specific symptoms. When a person is under more than one professional’s care, it is essential for the professionals to coordinate with one another on the treatment plan.

The treatments described below are just some of the options that may be available to a person with BPD. However, the research on treatments is still in very early stages. More studies are needed to determine the effectiveness of these treatments, who may benefit the most, and how best to deliver treatments.

Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy is usually the first treatment for people with BPD. Current research suggests psychotherapy can relieve some symptoms, but further studies are needed to better understand how well psychotherapy works.

It is important that people in therapy get along with and trust their therapist. The very nature of BPD can make it difficult for people with this disorder to maintain this type of bond with their therapist.

Types of psychotherapy used to treat BPD include the following: Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT can help people with BPD identify and change core beliefs and/or behaviors that underlie inaccurate perceptions of themselves and others and problems interacting with others. CBT may help reduce a range of mood and anxiety symptoms and reduce the number of suicidal or self-harming behaviors.

  1. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). This type of therapy focuses on the concept of mindfulness, or being aware of and attentive to the current situation. DBT teaches skills to control intense emotions, reduces self-destructive behaviors, and improves relationships. This therapy differs from CBT in that it seeks a balance between changing and accepting beliefs and behaviors.
  2. Schema-focused therapy. This type of therapy combines elements of CBT with other forms of psychotherapy that focus on reframing schemas, or the ways people view themselves. This approach is based on the idea that BPD stems from a dysfunctional self-image—possibly brought on by negative childhood experiences—that affects how people react to their environment, interact with others, and cope with problems or stress.

Therapy can be provided one-on-one between the therapist and the patient or in a group setting. Therapist-led group sessions may help teach people with BPD how to interact with others and how to express themselves effectively.

One type of group therapy, Systems Training for Emotional Predictability and Problem Solving (STEPPS), is designed as a relatively brief treatment consisting of 20 two-hour sessions led by an experienced social worker. Scientists funded by NIMH reported that STEPPS, when used with other types of treatment (medications or individual psychotherapy), can help reduce symptoms and problem behaviors of BPD, relieve symptoms of depression, and improve quality of life. The effectiveness of this type of therapy has not been extensively studied.

Families of people with BPD may also benefit from therapy. The challenges of dealing with an ill relative on a daily basis can be very stressful, and family members may unknowingly act in ways that worsen their relative’s symptoms.

Some therapies, such as DBT-family skills training (DBT-FST), include family members in treatment sessions. These types of programs help families develop skills to better understand and support a relative with BPD. Other therapies, such as Family Connections, focus on the needs of family members. More research is needed to determine the effectiveness of family therapy in BPD. Studies with other mental disorders suggest that including family members can help in a person’s treatment.

Other types of therapy not listed in this booklet may be helpful for some people with BPD. Therapists often adapt psychotherapy to better meet a person’s needs. Therapists may switch from one type of therapy to another, mix techniques from different therapies, or use a combination therapy. For more information see the NIMH website section on psychotherapy.

Some symptoms of BPD may come and go, but the core symptoms of highly changeable moods, intense anger, and impulsiveness tend to be more persistent. People whose symptoms improve may continue to face issues related to co-occurring disorders, such as depression or post-traumatic stress disorder. However, encouraging research suggests that relapse, or the recurrence of full-blown symptoms after remission, is rare. In one study, 6 percent of people with BPD had a relapse after remission.

Medications

No medications have been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to treat BPD. Only a few studies show that medications are necessary or effective for people with this illness. However, many people with BPD are treated with medications in addition to psychotherapy. While medications do not cure BPD, some medications may be helpful in managing specific symptoms. For some people, medications can help reduce symptoms such as anxiety, depression, or aggression. Often, people are treated with several medications at the same time, but there is little evidence that this practice is necessary or effective.

Medications can cause different side effects in different people. People who have BPD should talk with their prescribing doctor about what to expect from a particular medication.

Other Treatments

Omega-3 fatty acids. One study done on 30 women with BPD showed that omega-3 fatty acids may help reduce symptoms of aggression and depression. The treatment seemed to be as well tolerated as commonly prescribed mood stabilizers and had few side effects. Fewer women who took omega-3 fatty acids dropped out of the study, compared to women who took a placebo (sugar pill).

With proper treatment, many people experience fewer or less severe symptoms. However, many factors affect the amount of time it takes for symptoms to improve, so it is important for people with BPD to be patient and to receive appropriate support during treatment.

Living With

Some people with BPD experience severe symptoms and require intensive, often inpatient, care. Others may use some outpatient treatments but never need hospitalization or emergency care. Some people who develop this disorder may improve without any treatment.
How can I help a friend or relative who has BPD?
If you know someone who has BPD, it affects you too. The first and most important thing you can do is help your friend or relative get the right diagnosis and treatment. You may need to make an appointment and go with your friend or relative to see the doctor. Encourage him or her to stay in treatment or to seek different treatment if symptoms do not appear to improve with the current treatment.
To help a friend or relative you can:
Offer emotional support, understanding, patience, and encouragement—change can be difficult and frightening to people with BPD, but it is possible for them to get better over time
  • Learn about mental disorders, including BPD, so you can understand what your friend or relative is experiencing
  • With permission from your friend or relative, talk with his or her therapist to learn about therapies that may involve family members, such as DBT-FST.

Never ignore comments about someone’s intent or plan to harm himself or herself or someone else. Report such comments to the person’s therapist or doctor. In urgent or potentially life-threatening situations, you may need to call the police.

How can I help myself if I have BPD?

Taking that first step to help yourself may be hard. It is important to realize that, although it may take some time, you can get better with treatment.

To help yourself:

  • Talk to your doctor about treatment options and stick with treatment
  • Try to maintain a stable schedule of meals and sleep times
  • Engage in mild activity or exercise to help reduce stress
  • Set realistic goals for yourself
  • Break up large tasks into small ones, set some priorities, and do what you can, as you can
  • Try to spend time with other people and confide in a trusted friend or family member
  • Tell others about events or situations that may trigger symptoms
  • Expect your symptoms to improve gradually, not immediately
  • Identify and seek out comforting situations, places, and people
  • Continue to educate yourself about this disorder.

Thank you for reading this long post. Again the above information is from: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml Have an awesome weekend. Happy Friday. Peace out!!

100 Followers

I now have 100 followers. It has taken me a year and have to get to a hundred followers as well as a lot of hard work. A lot of hard work because I had to put a great deal of time and effort into blogging. It may take time and effort into blogging but I love it. I love being able to share more story to not only educate people living without a mental illness but to be an example of what recovery looks like to those who are struggling with a mental illness.

The one thing that was unexpected about me starting my blog  was on how much it is helping me with my recovery. It is a well appreciated unexpected bonus of blogging. Blogging about my recovery and what I have gone through on the daily basis living with a mental illness has been quite therapeutic. I am sure many who blog about mental illness agree that is it therapeutic for them.

Another unexpected bonus was making some good friends. Some of those friends happen to live in close proximity to where I live. I am extremely grateful for the friendships I have made through blogging.

Before I go, I am grateful to all my followers just like I am grateful to all the amazing bloggers I follow. Have a great night everyone.  Sweet dreams and don’t let the bed bugs bite. Peace out!!