Early Saturday Morning Post

Good Morning, World!!! It is five thirty eight in the morning on a Saturday and you are most likely thinking why I am up before the butt crack of dawn. I am up before the butt crack of dawn  because I work tonight, Saturday, a twelve and a half hour shift. Thankfully, it is only one shift a week even though I am still considered on call staff but have it slightly easier advantage than other on calls due to the fact is I am able to say no to taking other shifts than the two other new on calls due to having one regular shift a week. It was actually nice to know that I am now not the only on-call and that I have slightly more rights to say no to taking on shift due to the fact I work every Saturday. It is still preferred that I do take one on call shift once every two months. Specifically my boss wants me to focus on Saturdays and emergency call outs such as a family emergency, someone being sick and stuff like that. Of course every on-call is required do that however I might still be able to to be asked to cover someone’s shift if they are on vocation or “spontaneously moving” or taking a mental health day. I just don’t have to “feel obligated” to do so. I am liking the regular shift despite find out that I am still on-call but it looks good on the resume. I did apply for a peer position job that I think that would be a good fit for me and applied for it both Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. I haven’t received a call back and I am not expecting one due not being employed as a peer for two years now and that I didn’t have a job for a year and half which is why I am still at my current job. It is easier to get your resume to be looked at my a human if you have work and/or volunteering. I do both which is a good. thing for the resume.

I have been awake all night due to the fact I have to work tonight (Saturday) and have to sleep during the day. I am not a big fan of sleeping during the day or working twelve and a half hour night shift but at least it is a job. So as my Saturday goes, I will be sleep most of the day. Sleep I could have done last night but I want to go to work well rest. Even if I wasn’t working tonight I don’t think I could have slept due to my stupid insomnia so lets hope I can sleep during the day and not have my insomnia involved.

I pretty much listened t music most of the night music that would be helpful since I decided to be creative tonight by doing various types of art. Mainly coloring and painting with limited collaging due to the lack of magazines and newspapers. I put on my grunge rock play list that has  some many various musicians that it would take too long to post who was all on my music playlist. My grunge music play list did help my with my creativity in regards to my art work. My coloring pages are coming out nicely despite it taking longer than expected. My painting slowly but surely becoming a picture that I am going to be happy with.

As far as my cat goes, she has been much appreciated that I have been up and awake during her waking hours. Lil Gertie, my cat sure likes the idea that I play with her more at night than during the day but she does play with me during the day. Lil Gertie is jut more active at night than during the day. I love my cat, Lil Gertie, so much I don’t know what life would be like without her. I hope she lives a long life as she is only seven years old.

I do not have much more to say as I am getting tired and most likely need to get to bed so I can sleep during the day on what is suppose to be a beautiful Saturday. I might not be able to enjoy the beautiful weather but I am okay with that as I work an over night shift at a homeless shelter. I am grateful for my job and really need to go so I can get some sleep. Lets hope my insomnia doesn’t continue or I will be cranky bucket at work. I would like to thank you for the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Again, thank you so much for reading my blog. I hope everyone has a great Saturday and awesome weekend. You my readers a blessing to me and greatly appreciate each one of you. Peace Out, World!!!

A Creative Type of Day Due to Mindfulness

Good Afternoon, World!!! Well, it must be one of those days where I am able to be creative and I am enjoying this immensely. I am extremely grateful that I have been able to be creative today.

One of the ways I have been creative today is by painting. I, finished two painting that I am really proud of. In fact of the paintings my cat accidentally helped me with. She stepped in some paint and then walked on the canvas which I think is very cool and unique. Sadly, I had to give her a quick bath in the sink before paint fully dried on her paws and fur. She is not a big fan of taking a bath but at least she “helped” me create an awesome painting even though that was not her intention. Maybe, one day I will share this painting with you someday.

Another way I have been creative today is that I have written several poems. Something I love to do yet struggle to do because I never feel like they are good enough. Sadly, I tend to throw away a good portion of my poetry due to the fact that I don’t think they are worthy of being read. I have been having others such as a good friend of mine hold on to my poetry as I hope that someday I can create a book full of my poetry.

Another way I have been creative today is play my flute. I love playing my flute and just like coloring, it is form of mindfulness for me. Playing the flute has been a life saver for me since I started playing at age twelve. It has helped and still helps me with my mental health challenges. It also helped me make friends in school as I was in the junior high and high school bands. And being in band is what helped me graduate high school. So you can say that playing the flute helped me graduate high school even though I am really not that good at playing it.

I think the reason why I have been so creative today is because I have done several mindfulness exercises today. I have done some much mindfulness today because of my anxiety and am learning that mindfulness not only helps with my anxiety but helps me be creative. I am grateful that I am slowly getting back into mindfulness on the daily basis.

I do not have much else to say. I hope to blog again this evening and if not then tomorrow. Have a great rest of you day. Peace Out, World!!!

Dissociative State = Creative Brain & A Loving Cat Wanting to Help

Hello, World!!!! Why in the fuck do I have be dissociating at the moment especially since I am wanting to be in a creative groove. I think, I will be in the creative groove. My art may not come out like I would want but it might turn out better. As for writing I can incorporate it to some of the art I am doing. Kind of like poetry. I could even work on my storytelling comics and use some collaging. I have so many idea when it come to my creative side.

I think when I am out of this dissociated state, I will have some awesome art work and writings that might have some poetry. May my next post will be the art work I have done or the poetry that was written.

I hope that I can be creative after this post. That is my goal. Thank you for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Looks Like a DBT Skills Type of Day

Good Afternoon, World!!! It is early afternoon in my corner of the world. I have been dealing with a bump in the road for about three to four weeks now. It appears to be turning into a funk but if I have anything to do with it, it won’t get into a funk. But for those of us who deal with mental health challenges sometimes the funk is beyond our control which sucks shit.

As the symptoms of my mental health challenges appear to be increasing I realize it needs to be a DBT skills type of day. I say this because I have been fighting of dissociation due to the PTSD I struggle with. I am also struggling with Depression symptoms. Specifically, isolation. I am also struggling with self harm urges and want to reassure you that I AM CURRENTLY NOT AT RISK of harming myself.

Considering the type of symptoms, I am currently struggling with I realize that using my DBT skills today is key to my recovery and long term goals. Specifically, the DBT skills I will be using all have to do with creativity. For me being creative is what helps me with the dissociation. In fact music will be a major part of my day. I say this as if I am not playing my flute or harmonica, I will be listening to music as I am creative in other ways. I plan on doing some art. I am actually going to be painting. I have an idea or two for what I want to paint. I love painting as it helps me expression my emotions when I am having difficulty expressing them in other ways as well as not knowing what emotion I am currently feeling. Another way, I plan on being creative is writing. In fact I am writing right now as I blog. However, I am planning on writing some poetry as I feel a few poems that may be on the horizon. Poetry is another way to express my emotions. Of course I will be listening to music as I paint and write like I am doing now. Like I mentioned earlier, I will be playing my flute or harmonica at some point today. Of course I will not be listening to music when I am playing one of my musical instruments.

I am thinking that I don’t have much more to say that I will go end the post especially since I am hungry and in need of making lunch. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great Saturday and weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

Just Another Boring Post

Hello, World!! I know I just posted about an hour ago however, I am bored and felt like just writing about stuff. Stuff that will be repetitive as I have post about it before and other stuff that is not so interesting.

Let’s start off with the advertisements on my blog. I have advertisements on my blog to make a little extra money. It’s not much but it is something. All people have to do is click on the advertisement and I earn a few cents. I know this might be asking a lot from you but can you all click on the advertisements if you see them. I am saving up the money to help pay for gifts for my family during the holidays.

Now on another repetitive topic of blogging. I am wanting to make more of an effort to blog more. I also want to reach more people however I am unsure of how to do that. Yes, I use tags and attempt to put different tags on topics I discuss so I can get more readership that way. I also post my post to social media accounts and hope that I get more readers that way. I am not really worried about how many “followers” I have, I just want to reach more people so I can help lessen the stigma of mental health challenges as well as give people hope who do struggle with mental health challenges.

Today, is going to be one of those low key days where I am doing nothing. By doing nothing I mean doing things that are good self care for me. Most of which are creative.

I plan on doing some art work. Most likely I will be coloring and collaging and maybe combining the two genre’s of art. I might even paint a little today but not too sure yet. I need to see what paint I may need. If I need certain paint then I will need to go to the art supply store and buy some paint. That however takes money that I may not be able to spend at the moment. Which reminds me I need to look at my budget to see if I can buy more paints and canvasses ,

Another thing I plan on doing is writing some music. I play the flute and harmonica and think it would be fun to write some duets for both instruments to play together. I know it sounds odd but I think writing the right piece for a harmonica and flute duet would be cool.

The other thing I plan on doing today is to read. I will read both the novels I am reading as well as some comic books. I most likely will finish one of the novels today or tomorrow. When it comes down to reading comic books, I will most likely be reading Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman is my favorite comic book. I do like to read other comic books but Wonder Woman is my go to comic book.

I think I bored you enough with this post so I am going to end it for now. Hopefully, I will be able to find time to blog again later today. It seems like if I blog more, the more my readers will see what I have to say next. Well, have a good Wednesday. Peace Out, World!!!

Go To Hell 2017

Hello, World!!! In ten hours it will be 2018. All I can say is that 2017 hasn’t been the easiest of years for me. A year that I’ve experienced great pain and not one success that I can think of.

If I look back on 2017 it was the year of hell for me. I resigned from a job I loved and worked my ass off to get due to the severity of the symptoms of my mental health challenges. A job that I wish I didn’t resign from but realize that I can’t help others if I’m not doing well myself. How can I help people with their recovery if my recovery is a bit shaky.

As shaky as my recovery is and not having a job in the career I love, I’ve realized that art has played a major part of my life this past year. Specifically, painting. Painting has helped me through some of the more difficult moments I experienced this year.

Another thing that has helped me through the hell 2017 brought me was writing. Writing in various ways. Weather it was writing in my journal or a poem or even blogging. Writing helps me express myself.

In fact both art and writing have helped me express myself with how my emotions are. Music has helped me expressed my emotions as well. It appears that the creativity that art, music and writing brings to me has helped me through the hell that 2017 has brought.

As 2017 comes to an end like this post is coming to an end, I would like to tell 2017 something: GO TO HELL 2017!!! As this year ends I hope that everyone has a better 2018 than they had in 2017. Peace Out, World. See, you in the New Year!!!

 

There Is No Place Like Home

Good Evening, World!!! Right now I’m having some difficulties with a number of symptoms from the various mental health challenges I struggle with. I’m coming up with ideas on what I know that will be helpful for me especially since I’m finally home from holiday events with my family. In fact my last three post were from when I was out of town visiting family for the Christmas holiday.

There is no place like home especially dealing with a dysfunctional family during the holiday season. Now that I am home I am able to have my access to things that I normally turn to when the symptoms of my mental health challenges are being quite challenging at the moment.

The first thing I’ve done was cooks some food. In fact I cooked some comfort food and ate it. Some of the comfort food that I ate was given to me as a Christmas gift, such as fudge and other such baked goods. At lets not forget the hot chocolate on this cold wintery night.

Since I have food in my tummy, I can now focus on other things that will help me. Most of it has to do with the creativity part of who I am. The first thing I did was play my flute and harmonica. No, I did not play them at the same time. There is something quite soothing about playing a musical interment. Soothing enough that it helped me become more creative.

As I became more creative, I turned on my recovery play list from Spotify and started to paint. Painting seems help me get out the emotions I need to be getting out, just like music. I hope to show you the finished products of some of my paintings as at later time.

Thank you for reading my post. It’s greatly appreciated. Peace Out, World!!!

Weekly Check-In

Good Evening, World!!! It’s been quite a week. A week full emotions. The primary emotions I have felt this week have been fear and anger. In fact I think if it wasn’t for the fear and anger, I wouldn’t have been on my creative streak.

This week I ended up being extremely creative by painting, writing poetry and even started writing some music to play on my flute. Being creative has been proven helpful for me when it comes to dealing with the symptoms of the mental health challenges I struggle with.

Being creative is something I also that helps me when I am having some major sleep issues. I was unable to sleep for three days straight despite my sleep hygiene strategies. I do think that being creative is what helped me finally getting limited sleep last night.  I am grateful for the sleep I did get last night.

I don’t have much to say regarding my week for this past week as there is not much going on that I am willing to share. Thank you for reading. Have a good rest of your weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

Figuring Sh*t Out While Being Creative

Hello, World!!! Today, hasn’t been the easiest of days for me. Especially, since I’ve come to the realization that my case manager’s supervisor is providing me with therapy. I came to this realization today when I saw him and at the end of our appointment we scheduled another one for this Friday. It appears from my end of things or perspective that he (my case manager’s supervisor) is attempting his best to gain my trust with him and the rest of my treatment team after what happened three weeks ago when my therapy services were pulled. The reason, I’ve come to the realization of him providing me with therapy is because this will be the third week in a row where I’ve had three appointments with him in one week. I am a little suspicious of this for several reasons but it appears that he wants me back in therapy services and working with me to get me back in it.

On that note, my “temporary” therapist and I discussed a little about my safety with self-harm and suicide ideation stuff which led me to showing him one of the mandalas I colored last night. I would have shown him the other one I colored but I gave it to the therapist I had right after Diana left but the one before my last former therapist. Anyway, my “temporary” therapist and I discussed how coloring is quite helpful to me. He thinks that me being creative is a good thing, whether its with writing or some sort of art work.

So when I got home, I rested for a while, ate and then went to a local art supply store. A store with in walking distance of my place of residence. I pick up some paint supplies including canvas. The picture below is what I painted this evening with my newly bought paint supplies.

IMG_0018I realize its not the best photo of my newly painted piece of art but it resembles what my recovery has been like throughout my life.

Another thing I did after my painting was write a couple of poems. Poems that represent the not so good head space I have been in lately. Below are photo’s of the poems I wrote.

The first poem is as follows:

Shit Hit The Fan

by Gertie

Shit hit the fan.

Nobody seams to hear, what the fuck I am saying.

How loud do I have to get to be heard?

How much shit has to hit the fan before its noticed?

Why can’t I get a break?

Even for an hour.

The second poem is as follows:

Searching For Lost Hope

by Gertie

Looking for a sign.

Any sign, for a sign of hope.

Hope that seems to be no where to be found.

Searching for the lost hope is becoming more hopeless as the search drags on.

As I painted and wrote some poetry, I listened to some music. Music that appears to be helping drown out the voices I’m hearing. Voices that nobody hears. I also am just realizing that when I am doing art, writing or even playing a musical instrument, my voices get quieter. They’re still quite intense but not as intense if I weren’t doing the above mentioned activities. I think I need to share this with my case manager and her supervisor.

As I end this post, I want to thank you for reading and allowing me to share my creative side with you. Peace Out, World.

(Side Note: I realize people might think after reading this post that I am suicidal or thinking about self harm. I am NOT suicidal and am NOT thinking about self harm.)

Everyday Inspiration; Day 1: I Write Because…

I write because it can be of help to others. Or at least that is why I write in regards to my blog. In fact, I started my blog for two reasons.

One those reasons are to help educate those who don’t have mental health diagnosis that people such as myself who do have one can live a full and productive life as well be productive members of society. I do this in hopes to lessen the stigma that goes with having a mental health diagnosis. Many folks out there in our world don’t realize that those of us who struggle with a mental health condition are fully functioning people.

The second reason I write in regards to my blog is to give hope to others who may be struggling with the symptoms of their mental health condition. Hope is key to a persons recovery for any illness especially in regards to dealing with a mental illness. Having a mental health diagnosis and discussing it is difficult to do because of the stigma that goes with it. I’m writing to give hope to others.

A third and very unexpected reason why I write in regards to my blog is that I have found it quite helpful for my own mental health. Surprisingly, it’s helped with my recovery. Granted my recovery is a little shaky as of lately but blogging has been helpful.

When I’m not writing in regards to my blog, I write to be creative. In fact I love to write poetry and short stories. I’ve shared a few of my poems when I’ve taken the Intro to Poetry course that WordPress offers. After, this course (Everyday Inspiration) I plan on retaking the Intro to Poetry course once again. Being creative through writing is quite helpful to many individuals.

Thank you for reading. I hope everyone has a great day. Peace Out!!!