Pondering on What the Hell to Do

I WILL BE DISCUSSING MY CURRENT STATE OF MIND IN THIS POST. CAN REASSURE YOU THAT I WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE NOR HARM MYSELF IN ANYWAY. I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW WHAT I AM CURRENTLY GOING THROUGH AND DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO WORRY!!!

Right now it is six o’clock Monday morning in my corner of the world and I have not slept for three nights now. I am extremely tired and just wish I could get some sleep. I honestly think that the lack of sleep is what’s causing the symptoms of my mental health diagnosis to have increased in a negative way.

I am a good ninety nine percent sure that due to the lack of sleep is what is causing me to be in a slight case of crisis. A crisis I do not want to be in. Right now I have extremely high urges to self harm and am slightly suicidal. I WILL NOT ATTEMPT SUICIDE NOR WILL I HARM MYSELF. Since I am feeling the way I am feeling I called the after hours crisis line that the agency I go to as a client, has. I did a safety plan with the crisis clinician and one of the things on that safety plan was to blog and well that is what I am doing now. The crisis clinician and myself came up with a long enough list for me to do till the agency opens up at eight o’clock in the morning. We did this in hopes that I can get myself to the agency to see my therapist or the clinician who is the on-call crisis clinician for the day. The reason for this is so if I need to be hospitalized the people on the team I am client of will be better familiar with the situation. I honestly don’t like the fact I could be hospitalized but if it keeps me safe from doing any harm to myself then I am willing to go.

Since my last post not only did I call the after hours crisis number, I also read. I read Yesternight by Cat Winters. I am really enjoying the book. I am almost half done with the book. It is an awesome book so far. I highly recommend it. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea but it is a good read so far. In fact reading is what has been helping me keeping myself safe from doing any harm to myself.

The crisis clinician suggested that I continue to keep reading but also suggested that I do some art. Specifically, she recommended that I color. She knows I love to color as I have talking to this particular crisis clinician before. So, when I get done writing this post, I will do some coloring. Coloring helps me a great deal and is a type of mindfulness and meditation practice for me. It helps me calm the fuck down.

The one thing that has helped me a great deal from harming myself in any way is my cat, Lil Gertie. She is a constant reminder to not self harm and to not take my own life. I don’t want Lil Gertie, to be orphaned once again. She has been through a great deal and I don’t want her to go through anything else if I can help it. My cat, Lil Gertie, has been snuggling up to me a lot last night as I am pretty sure that she is acutely aware of how I am doing at the moment.

As I mentioned above, Lil Gertie, my cat, has been helpful in keeping myself safe. She is also the reason why I have not gone to the hospital to get an evaluation. Getting an evaluation at the hospital takes way too fucking long. That is why the crisis clinician I talked to suggested that I go into the agency to see if I really need to be in the hospital or to see if touching base with my therapist more often would be best.

So, at this moment in time I am wondering what the hell I should do. The reason being is that two hours is a long time to wait to talk to someone. On the other hand, it will take a good three hours before I could talk with a social worker at the hospital because I would need to be medically cleared first. So, at this point in time I am thinking waiting two hours is the better option however if the urges to self harm increase or my suicidal thoughts get worse or I end up with a plan to die by suicide I will take myself to the emergency room. AS A REMINDER I WILL NOT SELF HARM OR ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE. IF THE URGES INCREASE I WILL TAKE MYSELF TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM. Seeing somebody who knows my history and has access to both my crisis plan and treatment plan is the best option for me at the moment. I will be less triggered this way. 

I do not have much else to say as I have been long winded in writing this post. I just hope I did not worry anyone as the state I am in is not the best place to be in at the moment. It scares the shit out of me when I am suicidal and have intense urges to self harm. I will continue to keep you in the loop about how things are going. If you don’t see me post it is most likely that I will be in the hospital for psych reasons. I really don’t want to be in the hospital but if that is what is needed then that is what I will do. I just hope I can get some sleep as that will most likely decrease the symptoms that I am currently having.

I am thinking that I am done writing this post as I have been long winded. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great Monday or at least a better Monday than I am currently having. Again, thank you for reading. I hope you all have a great day. Happy Monday!!! Peace Out World!!!

SIDE NOTE: I WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE NOR WILL I HARM MYSELF.IF THE URGES GET TOO INTENSE I WILL GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.PLEASE REST ASSURE I HAVE NOT HARMED MYSELF IN ANYWAY AND THAT I WILL NOT HARM MYSELF. 

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Words to the Emotions

Hello, World!!! I didn’t do much of anything for a good portion of the day. I did go in for a meeting with the supervisor for the peer run help line I volunteer for. They wanted to “check in” with me because they got information from the crisis line that I had been calling frequently as well as the peer run help line I volunteer on. They said “it sound a lot like you.” I informed this person it was not me and asked him seriously, “why would I call the crisis line or this line when I have a distinctive and unique voice?” He replied “I don’t know why you would.” I informed him that I did not call the crisis line the peer run help line however I did call the after hours crisis team of the agency I am a client of on Valentines Day due to the anniversary of my grandma’s death. I went to show him my phone to prove to him I didn’t and I offered to sign an ROI for him to talk to my therapist. He declined both and said “I am at a loss of what to day.” More or less I validated him that he was in a tough spot no knowing who to believe. So, he is “cautiously” letting me back to volunteering on the help line for a handful of reasons. I guess, I am bothered that he thinks that I have been calling both lines but I understand him wanting to “check in” to make sure I was doing well. I just can’t get out of my head that I am being told that I am call helps lines when I am not but this is something I need to stop ruminating over as I was told I could go back to volunteering.

When I got home from my meeting I decided to paint. I decided to paint due to the mixture of emotions I was dealing with in regards to the meeting. It helped me get the emotion out that needed to get out. It helped me realize that I needed to find the words for my emotions.

That is when I decided to journal. Granted, I am still trying to find the right words to put to my emotions but journaling did help. In fact it helped a great deal just like the painting did.

I do not have much more to say except I am grateful that the supervisor is letting me back to volunteer. I hope everyone has a great rest of their evening and night. Peace Out, World!!!

Tired As Hell

Good Evening, World!!! I am still tired as hell from last night with no sleep.I did get a two hour nap in when I came home from day treatment. I was a little disappointed that Art Group was cancelled today as I was looking forward to it.

When I was at the mental health agency I am a client of for day treatment, I ended up talking to the therapist who was the crisis clinician on call for the day during business hours. I talked to her for about twenty minutes and came up with a safety plan. After about twenty minutes my own therapist was available to talk with me for about another fifteen minutes. We continued to safety plan. We discussed a little about what happened at the hospital yesterday.

Anyway, after coming home from day treatment, I played with my cat for about an hour before she got annoyed and wanted to be alone. I ended up taking a nap and guess who joined me for my nap. That’s right, my cat Lil Gertie.

I still feel like self harming and after I am finished with this post, I plan on going to the hospital again. I am going because I am not feeling safe with myself and the injuries that accrued from another patient last night are getting worse and want to get them checked out again.

Yes, I have used my DBT skills. One of the skills I used was my art work. I did a great deal of coloring with my new colored pencils and coloring books. I also did some collaging. I actually added some of the collaging to some of the paintings I did over the weekend.

Before I end this post, I am going to ask you again to do me a huge favor. I have advertisements on my blog. If you click on the advertisements and let them fully load, I can earn anywhere from a few cents to a few dollars. I figure each add clicked will be helpful for me to buy gifts for people I love for the holidays which ever holiday they celebrate.

As I end this post, I want to reassure you that I will be safe as I am taking myself to the hospital. Mainly to get my injuries looked at that happened yesterday at the hospital but also to help keep myself safe from myself with having urges to self harm. Again, I will be safe as I take myself to the hospital. Who knows maybe I will be able to take a little nap in while getting checked out at the hospital as I am still tired as hell.

Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end. I hope that I am not worrying any of you with how things are going with me as of lately. I do feel like things are starting to slightly improve which is a big deal for me. Again, thank you for reading and I hope to update you when I get up from the hospital and if I don’t I hope to update you tomorrow. Have a great evening. Peace Out, World!!!

Still a Struggle on This Sunday Afternoon

Good Afternoon, once again, World!!! As I mentioned in my last post I was planning on going to both an art store and book store. I did manage to go to both of the stores and bought some things that would be helpful for me in both the good and bad times.

When I got home from the stores, I decided to do some coloring while listening music. It helped temporarily but not enough to make my self harm urges to go away. The urges appear to be getting stronger.

Since they are getting stronger, I decided I would do some mindfulness and meditation practices. They helped slightly but not enough. Doing the mindfulness and meditation practices made me realize that I need to go to the hospital to get evaluated. I most likely won’t end up on in inpatient unit but at least I will be safe for a few hours.

I did call the crisis worker again. You know the one I talked about in an earlier post. So, she said, that going to a hospital is a solid idea however she wants me spend about twenty minutes with my cat. In fact I spent about a half an hour with my cat before I decided to post this.

Now that I am done spending time with my cat and blogging, I’ll be going to the hospital. I will post when I am back from the hospital as I think it is not going to be more than five or six hours if not sooner.

Thank you so much for reading my blog. No need to worry about me. You know I am going to be safe as after I am done with this post, I will be on my way to the hospital. Thank you so much, again for reading my blog. I hope you all have a good rest of your Sunday. Peace Out, World!!!

Seems Like A Sunday Of Struggles

Good Afternoon, World!!! I am still struggling a great deal with self harm issues. I have done the safety plan, I planned with the crisis worker I talked to before my last post. Yes, I have done some art work as well as reading. Both helped to a degree however, I still feel like self harming. I could call the crisis worker back however I came up with a better idea.

The better idea’s I came up with is to first go to the art store to pick up some art supplies. Art supplies that include canvas, paint, paint brushes and even coloring books as well as colored pencils.

After I plan on going to the art  store, I plan on going to a near by book store. Of course I’ll buy a couple of books and look for coloring books as well. The book I am currently reading will most likely be finished in a day or two so I will need a new book or two to read. Plus, getting coloring books from both the book and art stores will be helpful for me.

Blogging appears to be helping me through this minor crisis I am currently in. Blogging is one of my coping skills and has proven quite helpful for me.

Now that I have discussed how blogging helps me, I am going to go to both the art and book stores. I hope I find what I need and/or want.

Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone has a great rest of their Sunday. Peace Out, World!!!

Sunday Morning Blues

Good Morning, World!!! I know its been a couple of hours since I last posted but things changed quite quickly. Yes, I did finish reading the new paper and watching the morning news as well as doing my chores.

Unfortunately, as I was doing my household chores, I started becoming in crisis mode. That means I have urges to self harm. I did call the crisis team of the agency I seek services at and came up with a safety plan. A safety plan that I hope I am able to keep. I can promise you all that if I can not keep my safety plan that I will go to the hospital. I am NOT suicidal. I just feel like self harming. Again, if I am unable to stay safe I WILL take myself to the hospital. Part of my safety plan, I already mentioned in my last post at that is to read the fantasy book that I decided to start reading again since I never finished the book. I am looking forward to spending time in a good book and get my mind off of the shit of self harming. I hope that reading this fantasy book will do the trick

Another part of my safety plan is being around my cat, Lil Gertie. That means playing with her as well as cuddling with. That also means giving her some pets and loves. And of course cleaning out her litter box which I already did this morning. I clean it out twice a day. I have already fed her, her wet food and she has access to her dry food 24/7 so I know she won’t starve. So yes I have already taken care of her needs for the day except for her evening litter box cleaning. Now its time for me to cuddle up to her as well as play with her. That is if she is up to it as she is a cat.

Another thing I came up with the crisis clinician is to work on my art work. We decided that both coloring and painting would be quite helpful to me. I also informed the crisis clinician that I can combine painting and collaging as it mixes genres and is really cool looking. She thought that doing art is a great way to express myself especially with that of the mixture of genres.

The last part of my safety plan was and is to blog. In fact it was the first thing I decided to do as part of my safety plan so I could inform all of you my reader of my current struggles despite getting a good nights sleep and a good start to the day. Sometimes the struggles of a mental health challenge can come out of the blue despite how well it started. Blogging is quite helpful for me to hold myself accountable to others. Just as reminder, if the urges to self harm get stronger there is no need to worry about me as I will take myself to the hospital as well as call the crisis worker I talked to back. So, I do have an added safety plan to the safety plan I am informing you of. So, for me as I already mentioned helps me be accountable to others yet I don’t want others to worry about me.

I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. You my reader are all awesome in my eyes. Again, thank you for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

(Side Note: Yes, I know I have mentioned it already, I am NOT suicidal. If I feel like I am unable to keep myself safe I will call the crisis worker back or take myself to the hospital or in worse case scenario, I will call 911. I just want make sure you all know that I have a back up plan.) 

The Elephant In The Room

Good Morning, World!!! I am awake at three o’clock in the morning due to not being able to sleep. Both my insomnia and depression are acting up. Not sure why either are acting up but they are.

When I started to write this post I didn’t know what I was going to write about. So lets discuss the elephant in the room; the two celebrities who died by suicide, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. Many people are mourning their sudden and untimely deaths. People are grieving over this and I don’t blame them as it is sad news.

As sad as it is to hear about someone’s death especially when it is death by suicide people start to discuss it a little bit more. I personally think we need to talk about both suicide and mental health conditions more so we can lessen the stigma that goes with it.

If anyone is in crisis and needs to talk the United States National Suicide Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. I know this number will work in the United States however I am unsure about the rest of the world. I wish I had other crisis numbers for other countries however I do not. Please if you are in a mental health crisis or thinking of killing yourself don’t hesitate to reach out to someone.

Thank you for reading!!! Peace Out, World!!!