The Post I’ve Been Dreading to Write

Good Morning, World!!! I have been dreading about writing this post for the last week as it is sad and devastating news or at least it is devastating for me. As many of you may know if you read a post a few months ago that my cat, Lil Gertie, was diagnosed with cancer. I knew there was a chance of helping her cross the rainbow bridge but I didn’t think it would be so soon. See, on Thanksgiving Day (Thursday, November 28th, 2019) evening Lil Gertie crossed the rainbow bridge.

Like most everyone else across the United States I was celebrating Thanksgiving with my family. I went and spent the day with family. When I arrived back home Thanksgiving Day evening, I noticed Lil Gertie walking funny, with her head tilted and walking into things. I quickly realized I would need to take her to the emergency vet and most likely have to say goodbye. Before taking her to the emergency vet, I decided to feed her some turkey which she gobbled down and that made my heart happy.

The happy heart didn’t last very long as I knew what the reality was so I took her to the emergency vet. The emergency vet did in fact confirm that it was Lil Gertie’s time to cross the rainbow bridge. Sadly, while I was eating Thanksgiving dinner with my family Lil Gertie had a small stroke. Due to the stroke both of Lil Gertie’s retina’s detached which is why she was walking into things. Since she was unable to see, plus the stroke and cancer I knew I couldn’t bear to see Lil Gertie struggle, I knew it was time to let her go and cross the rainbow bridge. I was able to be with Lil Gertie as she crossed over with the help of the vet. I miss my cat so very much.

I did decide that I wanted Lil Gertie’s ashes and will be getting them in a couple of weeks along with a paw print and clump of her fur. The emergency vet also let Lil Gertie’s regular vet know. Lil Gertie’s vet reached out to me the past Monday (December 2nd) when she returned to the office after the holiday weekend. Lil Gertie’s vet was and is extremely empathetic and compassionate. She even sent me a sympathy card which I received yesterday (Tuesday) in the mail. Part of the reason I decided to keep Lil Gertie’s ashes as I know it will help with my healing process.

Speaking of the healing process I think that is why I waited so long to write this post. Yes, I realize tomorrow will mark a week since Lil Gertie crossed the rainbow bridge but it just stung too much. Hell, it still stings like hell.

As people in my life have been finding out about Lil Gertie and many know she was an Emotional Support Animal (ESA), I have been asked if I am going to get another cat. The answer is, YES but I am going to wait till after the holidays for many reasons. One of which is I want to give myself some time to grieve. I wish I had more time with Lil Gertie because I only had her for 1 1/2 years and she was only 7 1/2 years old but I know she accomplished what she needed to accomplish here on earth and it was her time to go.

I do not have much more to say. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Again, thank you from the bottom of heart for reading my blog. I hope to post pictures of Lil Gertie in a later post. I hope everyone has a great day. I also hope you all have a great holiday season. Peace Out, World!!!

Feeling Sad & Trying to Not Overreact or Be a Drama Queen

Good Evening, World!!! I am having very uncomfortable emotions right now in regards to my cat. I am fearful, sad and pretty high anxiety right now. She is not acting like her usual self and not really eating her wet food but at least she is drinking water and nibbling at her dry food. She is also using the litter box. She is a little more lethargic the last two days and it starting to scare me because of lump that is cancerous. Plan is to watch her the next few days and take her to the vet on Tuesday even if she starts getting better because I just want to make sure everything is as okay as it can be health wise with a cancerous lump. I just don’t want put her down but I don’t want her to suffer either. I just love her so much. I hope she knows how much I love her.

Lil Gertie is a special cat for me. She is my emotional support animal (ESA). I thought I would be rescuing her but she did the rescuing of me. I love her so much and hope that she knows that. Lil Gertie was meant for me and I don’t want to loose her too soon but I don’t want her suffer

Like I told you I plan on taking her to my regular vet on Tuesday and get her opinion. Dr. B, the vet Lil Gertie goes to. Dr. B is an amazing vet and tells you like it is in an empathetic and compassionate way. Dr. B really care for the animals she treats as well as the humans. Dr. B is amazing.

I don’t know what else to write due to not wanting to crying. I hope everyone has a good weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

Long Time No Blog

Good Afternoon, World!!! It has been quite some time since I last blogged. There is no particular reason why I haven’t blogged and I have no real or good excuse to why I haven’t blogged. I guess, I could say life has been getting in the way but part of my life does consist of the blogging community. In fact I have made friends from the blogging community and am grateful for that.

Anyway, I want to update you on my cat, Lil Gertie. Lil Gertie is doing well and acting like her typical self. She had a biopsy done to confirm the original test of cancer but sadly the biopsy didn’t confirm or deny cancer as all the samples the vet took were all inflamed. Lil Gertie’s vet, Dr. B said that inflammation is most likely the sign of infection so we put Lil Gertie on some antibiotics. Dr. B is “cautiously optimistic” with the biopsy results but also doesn’t want to give me “false hope” with the biopsy results and am grateful that she is upfront with such things and the cool part is she informs you in a compassionate way. I wish the biopsy results were not so frustrating and would have been more informative but at least I know that Dr. B can now do the surgery and not have to refer me to a different vet to do it. Even though I scheduled a surgery in January for Lil Gertie, I am not sure if surgery is the way I want to go as if the lump continues to grow, I want Lil Gertie to have a good quality of life and not suffer. As frustrating as the biopsy results are I am grateful that Dr. B is an upfront and compassionate vet who wants what is best for my cat. I will keep you updated on Lil Gertie as she is a major part of my life.

As far as what the rest of the day holds for me is to just lay low and really not do much. I will be doing some good self care. For today, self care looks like listening to several episodes of a podcast about philosophy as I do some art work as I have incense burn. The type of art work I will be doing is coloring and painting. I most likely do more coloring than painting as I am trying to finish up some coloring projects before the holidays as I am going to give them as gifts. I am also trying to finish up one painting for a friend of mine but that will only take about fifteen minutes plus drying time. I love both coloring and painting. Coloring and painting or any type of art is therapeutic for me and it is also educational for me because I tend to listen to podcast when doing some form of art. Usually the podcast I listen to gives me knowledge on topics I am not familiar with.

Anyway, I don’t have much more to say with out blabbing on and on about the same thing. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. I hope everyone has a great Monday. In fact I hope everyone has a great work week. Peace Out, World!!!

Sad News About My Cat

Hello, World!!! I realize I haven’t blogged in a while. A great deal has happened since I last blogged. Mostly, I have been attending appointments and doing things for work. Nothing really major except when in comes to my cat, Lil Gertie.

Long story short I noticed a lump on my cats, Lil Gertie side. I took her to the vet and they did a test. It turns out that the test says she has cancer. Sadly, the test shows that Lil Gertie’s cancer is the type of cancer that if the lump is removed then it will most certainly grow back. The vet informed me that there is a slim chance the cancer could be another type of cancer but it is unlikely. She suggested I get a biopsy done on Lil Gertie to see how to proceed with treatment. If the results of biopsy confirm what the test say they type of cancer Lil Gertie has then treatment will be more the quality of life than trying to keeping her alive. The vet thinks Lil Gertie has six to twelve months before needing to put her down.  The vet is amazed that Lil Gertie is “doing so well” because she isn’t acting like she is sick. Lil Gertie, my cat, is acting like her usual self. She is eating, drinking, peeing and pooping normally which is a good sign for both me at the vet. Lil Gertie will have the biopsy in little over a week. I will keep you updated.

The good thing in all this is not only is Lil Gertie acting like her usual self and seeming like she has cancer but I have some major support from my friends. Friends who are amazing and loving. Friends making sure I do some good self care.

The self care I am doing is checking in with friends. I am also burning incense to help me out. I am reading, doing art, spending time with others and going about my normal everyday routine. Most importantly, the best self care is spending time with my cat, Lil Gertie as I know my time is more limited than I thought and hoped it would be. I love my cat, Lil Gertie. I know Lil Gertie loves me unconditionally.

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A face only a parent could love. This is one of my favorite pictures of Lil Gertie. I love her facial expressions.

The above picture is one of my favorite pictures of Lil Gertie. I love the many facial expressions she has especially in the above picture. I am planning on printing out the picture above and framing it put it on my wall in my apartment.

I do not have much more to say as I am now in tears again. At least I know Lil Gertie is not suffering at the moment as she is acting like her normal self. Before I end this post I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Thank you again for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

A Post In Respect to Senator McCain and My Grandma

Good Morning, World!!! As I type here at my laptop, I watching the Sunday morning news. The main topic of the morning news is about the death of Senator John McCain. The news is doing a great job in honoring Senator John McCain.

As the country mourns the death of an amazing man, John McCain, my heart goes out to his family. My heart goes out to his family because my family and I are still mourning the death of my grandma. Yes, my grandma’s death was on Valentines Day of this year (2018) which was six and half months ago and Senator McCain’s death was only yesterday. My heart goes out to the family of Senator McCain because I truly understand the pain they must be going through. Yes, the deaths of my grandma and Senator McCain were due to two different diseases but still as difficult deal with.  My grandma passed away due to complications from Parkinson’s Disease while Senator McCain passed away due to Brain Cancer. Both the diseases my grandma and Senator McCain may have be completely different but both affected the brain. So that is why my heart goes out a little more to his family because I understand to an extent of what his family is going through.

As I watch the news about Senator McCain, I can’t help but be hit my grief to not just his death but the death of my grandma. As many of you know, I have been hit hard by a wave of grief of my grandma’s death within the last week even though her death was six and half months ago.

So, as I end this post I want to honor both Senator John McCain and my grandma. I may not be a conservative like Senator McCain, I admire his work as a war hero and politician. So, please take the time out today to honor Senator McCain and the loved ones you have lost just like I am going to do. Thank you for reading my blog. Please, if comment on this post, be respectful. I am honoring my grandma and Senator McCain. Have a great day. Peace Out, World!!!

Choosing To Not Worry

Good Morning (again), World!!! As, I told you briefly in my last post I was going to see my dermatologist today which I did. He is concerned about a couple of moles on my back. He removed them and sending them out for an biopsy. Yes, I am a lil fearful about the biopsy as skin cancer runs in my family however I am hopeful about it as well. I am hopeful because I have had other moles biopsied before and there was no hint of cancer. So right now, I’m going to choose to not worry about the biopsy until I get the results and even then there is a high chance I won’t have to worry.

I’ve decided that I’m going to start doing the Intro To Poetry course the WordPress puts on. This is to help me stay focused on blogging. For me staying focused on my blogging helps me have the structure I need and desire. I’m going to post my first poem for the course this evening.

I hope everyone as a good rest of the day and Peace Out, World!!!

 

Everyday Inspiration; Day 8: Reinvent the Letter Format

Hello, World!!! Today’s assignment for Finding Everyday Inspiration, is to write your blog in a letter format. I’m having difficulty do this because it appears to me that the only people I can think of righting a letter or letters to, can and will bring up some major pain to me.

The first person I thought of righting a letter to as part of this assignment was the person who abused me as child. The person in this particular case would be my brothers dad. It brings up a great deal of pain and anger. Both emotion’s that I really don’t want to deal with at the moment.

The second person I thought of writing a letter to as a part of todays assignment was to Diana. The therapist that departed the agency I am client of unexpectedly due to a cancer diagnosis. This brings me much pain and grief as I was unable to say goodbye to her. A goodbye as in a final session however this was unable to happen because she needs to focus on getting better. I am unsure how she is doing or if she is even still alive. I’m still grieving over the loss of her as my therapist especially it was all of sudden and quite unexpected.

The third letter I thought about writing was to the two sets of twins I lost in two miscarriages. As expected that brought up a great deal of sadness and pain. Pain and sadness I really don’t want to acknowledge. As any parent or expectant parent will tell you is that the greatest pain a parent can endure is loosing a child. I can say this without a shadow of a doubt because I’ve endured a great deal of pain in my life due to various traumas and the greatest pain I’ve endured is loosing my children via miscarriage. Loosing a child is quite difficult.

In fact WordPress suggested to write a letter to someone about a joyous time. I attempted to do so when I started this post by writing a letter to Diana. Unfortunately, it was bringing up a great deal of grief and sadness for me as Diana has helped me with a great deal in my recovery.

It is my hope that maybe someday, I can do this assignment when it doesn’t seem so overwhelming for me at this moment in time. Sometimes it difficult to acknowledge to others when things can be hard and/or overwhelming for me. So thanks for being  understanding.

As, I end this blog post, I want to thanks you for reading. I appreciate you for your readership. I hope everyone has a great day. Peace Out, World!!!

Consistency is a Necessity for Recovery

Over the years I have learned that consistency with who my treatment team is key to my recovery. Unfortunately, as of lately that hasn’t been happening for me.

I learned on St. Patrick’s Day that my new therapist, was leaving the agency I seek services at for my mental health treatment. This loss hits me hard as this therapist was the direct supervisor of Diana and was updating me on her health at Diana’s request. Not only that, I was just starting to feel comfortable with her style of therapy as it was slightly different from Diana’s therapy style.

As difficult as it is to loose another therapist so close to Diana’s sudden departure due to cancer, I appreciate her effort in making sure she found the right fit. A fit I am unsure of at the moment and realize the uncertainty of a new therapist is causing some anxiety.

To lessen my anxiety of having a new therapist, my therapist thought it would be a good idea for me to meet the new therapist during our last session together at the location I will be now going to. No, I’m not changing mental health agencies, its that my new therapist is at different location than the one leaving and Diana were at. I am really appreciative of my therapist doing this for me as I know she didn’t have to do so.

My last session with my therapist has come and gone and tears shed on both ends which was quite unexpected for the both of us since our therapeutic relationship had only been for four months. Of course having therapist who was the direct supervisor of your previous therapist (Diana) was helpful to building trust with her. Even though I only met with my new therapist of all of seven minutes for an introduction and to set up a first appointment, I found it quite helpful.

As helpful as I found meeting my new therapist, no matter how briefly, I still have anxiety regarding my first appointment with her. As with any first appointment, I have with anyone, my anxiety usually increases however this time the anxiety is higher than it usually is. Not sure why but it is and if I continue to ask why I notice my anxiety start to rise.  I’ve also realized as my first appointment with my new therapist quickly approaches, there is an increase in the anxiety.

The increase of anxiety is where the use of my Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills come in handy to help even if I don’t want to use them. See, DBT skills have helped me through some tough moments as an adult. Even though seeing a new therapist isn’t the toughest thing I have experienced in my life, it’s anxiety provoking enough needing to use my skills.

As I use my skills, I realize that there is a number of reason why to my anxiety is so high regarding my first appointment with this new therapist. Actually, there a roughly a handful of reasons. All those reasons lead to both the grief I have for Diana’s sudden departure due to cancer and having a new therapist leave in less than five months which leads to the consistency I need for my own recovery. Consistency that I fear I won’t have with my new therapist as she appears to be close to retirement age but then again that might not be an issue either but its an issue I have to wait till deal with in my first session with her. For me consistency is key for me to start to trusting people and hope that my new therapist sticks around for a good eighteen months. I don’t that doesn’t sound long but I don’t want to ask for too much as I am seeing her at a community mental health agency and know realistically that people don’t stick around for as long as Diana did. I trusted Diana and still do and hope she is doing well. Most importantly, I hope I can trust my new therapist.

Before, I end this particular post I want share something positive. I am slowly starting to trust my case manager. I see she is trying really hard and to me that shows that she cares. She cares enough to try to build a good rapport and to me that is a sign I can trust her. When I first wrote about her I didn’t give her such a positive light and its not any of her fault. I was angry at needing a case manager and that anger showed through in that particular post. My care manager does care and does want to help me. For me trusting her is a big thing.

It looks like this post is coming to an end and before it ends, I want to tell you all thanks for reading. I am grateful for each one of you. Have a wonderful Sunday evening all and Peace Out!!!

New Years Eve 2016

As I sit here at my laptop, I realize it is now 2017 in most of the world. Well, in my neck of the woods, it is still 2016.

As 2016 comes to an end, I am not sure what to think of how this year was. It has been a year of both trials and triumphs. Some of my trials have been quite sad as my triumphs have been quite joyous.

Lets start off with the trials, I have dealt with this year. At the start of 2016 I was dealing with the one year anniversary of my the loss of my second set of twins due to a miscarriage. Dealing with the grief of loosing a second miscarriage has been quite difficult and as any parent knows loosing a child is the most difficult thing a person can deal with. Little did I know at the beginning of the year an on how much grief and loss I would be dealing with. In October I lost three clients and a colleague which hit me quite hard. It hit me hard because the deaths happened within a month of the third anniversary of the loss of my first set of twins due to miscarriage. Due to the grief I was dealing I ended up in crisis mode and landed in the hospital for psych reasons. Shortly after I got out of the hospital I found out that my therapist of eight years, Diana, was in the hospital with the dreaded diagnosis of cancer and won’t be coming back. Yes, that means I will be getting a new therapist and will talk about her at a later date.

Now on my triumphs of 2016, which I wouldn’t have if it weren’t for Diana’s help with my recovery. I finally got a job as Peer Specialist and a plus is that it being a fulltime position. If it weren’t for all the help Diana gave me I wouldn’t be working as a Peer much less working fulltime. As much as I struggled this year with grief, work fulltime as Peer is well worth it. I hope that with me continuing being employed as a Peer gives Diana some encouragement that she played a major role in my current position.

I know realistically, Diana is probably not reading this as she is dealing with a cancer diagnosis and getting treatment for it as well as raising a family, I want to thank her for everything she has done for me. Diana, if you are reading, Thank You from the bottom of my heart for helping me with my recovery. Just know a lot of people who are in my corner know how much you have helped me with my recovery and are keeping you in their thoughts and prayers. I hope someday you can be my therapist again.

There is roughly twenty-five minutes left of 2016. I hope everyone has a Happy New Year. Have a good New Year and hope to see you in the New Year.

Crisis & Not Being Able To Say Goodbye

I don’t know where to begin. Lets begin with how difficult things have been lately. In October I lost three clients and a colleague. This put me in an unexpected whirlwind of a crisis. Dealing with four deaths so close to the third anniversary of the first miscarriage put me into a major crisis. A crisis that got me the “extra support” I had been advocating for since I got promoted to a Peer Specialist. The “extra support” came too late as was I was already quickly approaching hospitalization.

I met with my “extra support” and she made an already volatile situation worse. This person informed me that she “would not be able to use humor in sessions as it is unprofessional and wont abide by not using the two terms” that trigger me. Needless to say two days later I ended up in the hospital for fifteen days.  While in the hospital I found out that Diana, my therapist, wont be back till December due to medical issues. Okay, everyone deals with health issues. I was in the middle of a health issue at the moment myself. Granted it was a mental health crisis but I understood.

Dealing with a personal health crisis is not an easy thing to go through which is why when I was discharged from the hospital, I would be a chemo-buddy to friend of mine who was on an oncology unit. An oncology unit that my therapist was on. I being the person I am quickly walked past her room to see my friend. A friend who knew something that was up. I informed my friend that I would let her know more when I was able to get more information.

I was able to get some information the next day at the mental health agency, I see Diana at. They were “surprised” that I found out and “find it odd” that I had a friend on the same unit as my therapist. I found the statement “find it odd” a little odd because why would I spend my time and energy to figure out if my therapist was in the hospital especially since I was and am in a crisis dealing with my mental health and grief of a butt load of recent and past loss. Long story short I was given an appointment with Diana’s supervisor who informed me that Diana does have cancer and it is unlikely that she will be returning. To make matters worse, I have been put on the waiting list for another therapist. This makes no sense to me as they had given me a person to be of “extra support” in addition of Diana and now I have to wait till at least February to get a therapist. To make matters worse my extra support is going to be out till mid-January.

It really bothers me that I not only don’t get to say goodbye to Diana but I am not going to get any support till mid-January. Seriously, someone who recently got out of a psych ward is going to have little to no support. I feel like I am not being heard. What part of I am not doing well don’t people understand and to make matters worse my therapist of eight years is not around to help due to cancer. If Diana knew what was going on I am sure she would advocate for me or at least have a “goodbye” session like she promised. I know realistically I won’t have that “goodbye” session and I feel like my treatment team is just putting me on the shelf in hopes everything will resolve itself because “she is strong, has skills and resiliency” but that’s who they should be most concerned about. Those of us who “appear to be doing well” despite some major struggles at the moment.

The only reason why I am not going to do anything is because I am going back to work on Monday after being on FMLA for a month. Yes, I am going to only be working a limited schedule due to partial FMLA but at least its something to look forward to. Another reason why I am not going to do anything is because my clients don’t need to lose another staff member and if I leave my current employer I would like to give my clients some closure with at least being able to say goodbye. Something I won’t be able to do with Diana. As far as I know she is still alive but not coming back.

I should get going before the tears on my face short out my laptop. Have a good weekend everyone.