Tag Archives: PTSD

Finding the Calm of the Night

Posted on by Gertie

Right now, I am having a rough go at it due a nightmare from PTSD and voices due to severe depression that is slowly getting better. So, I decided  to use a meditation and mindfulness app called; Calm. Using this app has proven quite helpful for me.

It’s helps me so much that Junior thought he would give it a try. In fact he finds it quite helpful as well. He even uses it after each call at work. As I mentioned in other post, Junior is firefighter and after he get back to the station after each run he uses the Calm app to help him regain composure.

I guess what I am saying is that I have found something that helps me with my recovery and helps those I care about be the best they can be on their jobs. As I informed you in earlier post this week I am finding and using things that will be helpful for my recovery.

Now on to trying to get some sleep after using that Calm app and blogging. I will also have some cuddling time as Junior goes to work later this morning. Peace Out, World!!!

There Is No Place Like Home

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! Right now I’m having some difficulties with a number of symptoms from the various mental health challenges I struggle with. I’m coming up with ideas on what I know that will be helpful for me especially since I’m finally home from holiday events with my family. In fact my last three post were from when I was out of town visiting family for the Christmas holiday.

There is no place like home especially dealing with a dysfunctional family during the holiday season. Now that I am home I am able to have my access to things that I normally turn to when the symptoms of my mental health challenges are being quite challenging at the moment.

The first thing I’ve done was cooks some food. In fact I cooked some comfort food and ate it. Some of the comfort food that I ate was given to me as a Christmas gift, such as fudge and other such baked goods. At lets not forget the hot chocolate on this cold wintery night.

Since I have food in my tummy, I can now focus on other things that will help me. Most of it has to do with the creativity part of who I am. The first thing I did was play my flute and harmonica. No, I did not play them at the same time. There is something quite soothing about playing a musical interment. Soothing enough that it helped me become more creative.

As I became more creative, I turned on my recovery play list from Spotify and started to paint. Painting seems help me get out the emotions I need to be getting out, just like music. I hope to show you the finished products of some of my paintings as at later time.

Thank you for reading my post. It’s greatly appreciated. Peace Out, World!!!

Hauntings of Christmas Past

Posted on by Gertie

Merry Christmas, World!!! It is officially Christmas Day in every part of the world. In fact its barely two and half hours into Christmas in my neck of the world.

I am unable to sleep due to hauntings of Christmas past. Hauntings of Christmas past is trauma related severe abuse that happened to me as a child. Every time I try to go to sleep my body goes into automatic PTSD mode. For me that usually means flashbacks and body memories. When this happens when I am going to sleep it means I most likely wont get any sleep. Sleep is something everyone needs and hopefully I can get so I can make the best out of Christmas.

Experiencing childhood trauma around the holidays pretty much ruined the holidays for me except I am creating ways to have the holidays become more pleasant for me. There are many ways I am doing this and hope to discuss this topic more later on today or sometime tomorrow.

As I end this post, I hope everyone who celebrates Christmas has good holiday. For those who have difficulties this time of year especially around trauma please do some good self care today. Merry Christmas and Peace Out, World.

 

Weekly Check-In

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! It’s late on Saturday night. This is the time of year that is the most difficult for me even when I am doing well. Its difficult due to trauma related shit which is the reason I have PTSD. When you add Depression to the mix it just makes things worse.

So more or less Christmas is a shitty time of year for me due to trauma but Christmas is even more difficult this year. I found out late last night (Friday) that one of my cousins died yesterday. She was only 48 years old. She passed away suddenly due to health issues as she slept taking a nap. Her two sons found her and did CPR on her till the paramedics showed up. The difficult thing was that I needed to tell another cousin that my cousin died as well as an uncle. To make matters even more difficult I had to inform a mutual friend of mine on my cousin that my cousin died. Telling three people that someone passed away is not a great way to start off the holiday weekend.

As difficult as yesterday was especially with the holiday weekend at least my Yule or Winter Solstice went well. I spent it with Junior and some of our closest friends. We had fun. We ate lots of food and played some awesome board games.

That’s all have for now. I’m struggling with some PTSD symptoms and need to do some relaxation skills. I hope everyone has a great holiday. Peace out, World.

Weekly Check-In

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! It’s officially Sunday in my neck of the woods. Normally, I do my weekly check-in on Saturdays however its not even an twenty minutes into Sunday in my part of the world.

On that note, lets get on with my weekly check-in. My week has been pretty uneventful. I attended my appointments and groups like usual. The major thing that I’ve been dealing with this week is that Friday was the one month anniversary of me loosing therapy services, while yesterday (Saturday) was an anniversary of a traumatic event.

With the two not so good anniversaries happening, didn’t stop me from starting on or working on a newsletter submission. The newsletter submission I am working on is for the newsletter of the clubhouse I am apart of.  The article I’m writing is about the importance of respecting peoples pronouns and gender identity. Part of the reason I chose to write about respecting peoples pronouns and gender identity is because I’ve been dealing with being disrespected with how I personally identify and how it is affecting my mental health and my recovery. I of course wont point out the individuals doing this nor say that it’s affecting my mental health or recovery. I’m doing to empower myself and others as well.

Thank you for reading my blog. It’s greatly appreciated. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their weekend. Peace Out, World.

Middle of the Night Ramblings

Posted on by Gertie

It’s the middle of the night and I am unable to sleep. Having insomnia sucks shit. The symptoms of my PTSD are not helping the insomnia. As I sit here writing this post I can’t help but realize this going to be a post about nothing or what I like to say; “ramblings.” More or less, this post is going to be one of them post that is helping me through a rough moment or two when dealing with the symptoms of PTSD and depression.

As I write this post, I realize I can wake up my partner, Junior, to help me through the symptoms of my mental health conditions however, he has to get up in about three hours to go to work. He is a firefighter and his shifts are typically 24-hours. I know if things get too bad with my symptoms, I’ll wake him up.

This is where using my DBT skills are quite helpful to me. For one thing, blogging is a quite helpful for me and an extremely useful tool. Reading is also considered a skill for me. I love reading and enjoy it. Unfortunately, right now reading is difficult for me. Mainly due to the voices I hear when I am extremely depressed. I experience psychosis when my depression hits me hard and it sucks. I wish I didn’t experience psychosis however I feel like it ultimately makes me a stronger person when it goes a way as my depression subsides.

I think I’m going to at least attempt at getting some sleep. I hope everyone is sleeping well and/or is having a good day when they read this particular post. Peace Out, World!!!

 

Everyday Inspiration; Day 18: Anecdotes

Posted on by Gertie

It’s nearly ten o’clock at night in my neck of the woods. I’ve been struggling to do todays assignment. I’m not exactly sure why I’ve been struggling to come up with anecdotes because they usually come easy to me. I’ve only come up with two very short anecdotes relating to two of my diagnosis.

Depression:

Staying in bed with the covers over ones head being served breakfast in bed. Not getting up all day with a book in ones hands. It appears to be a lazy day. Not at all so. Can’t get out of bed. There’s a weight on my chest. The weight of world. The weight of the world pressing down. Pressing down so hard that life was too tiring to face.

PTSD:

Its like its happening all over again. Its like a movie but its playing your head. You can feel it on your skin.

Sorry, I can add more to the PTSD but I’m struggling at the moment. I hope to be able to do this particular assignment when my symptoms aren’t so high. I hope everyone has a good night. Peace Out, World

 

Everyday Inspiration; Day 14: Recreate a Single Day

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! Today’s Finding Everyday Inspiration’s assignment is to recreate a single day. I can think of many day’s I could recreate however, I choose not for various reasons. If I recreate a single day even one of the best days of my life that means I would have to relive some of the worst days of my life.

Don’t get me wrong, I remember and recreate some of the great moments in my life when things get tough especially when PTSD symptoms occur. I just don’t want to recreate a single because everyday has made me who I am today and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Yes, I would have loved to not experienced the trauma I endured throughout my life however those trauma’s helped shaped who I am today. I most definitely wouldn’t want to recreate the trauma’s I endured. I don’t think anyone would want to recreate the trauma’s they endured.

Yes, I would love to have certain positive moments recreated at the moment especially since I have been struggling as of lately however I know I will get through this despite the doubts I currently have. I guess what I am saying is all the experiences I have had in my life is what made me who I am today. As much as I want to recreate a single day; it means it would recreate who I am at this moment in time.

I should really get going. It’s four in the morning and I haven’t been to sleep yet. I have to be up in three hours. I have to be up in three hours so I can get ready for the day and attend my therapy appointment. A much needed appointment. As I end this post I want to thank you for reading. I hope everyone has a great Hump Day (Wednesday). Peace Out, World!!!

I’m Dreaming of Sleep

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It’s nearly two thirty in the morning in my neck of the world. Right now, I’m dreaming of sleep. I haven’t been sleeping very well since I was assaulted nearly a month ago.

Having a good nights sleep is crucial to ones overall health especially for those of us who have a mental health diagnosis. Something I have learned over the years is to have a sleep schedule or what people in the mental health field call sleep hygiene.

For me sleep hygiene means going to bed at the same time as well as getting up at the same time. For me, I tend to go to bed at 11:30pm on week nights (Sunday – Thursday) and get up at 7:30ish in the morning on week days (Monday – Friday). Unfortunately, I toss and turn and unable to sleep so I get up. I tend to get up and stay up at the same time week days and wish my sleep hygiene schedule would work right now.

Now that I have rambled on and on about my sleep hygiene and the lack of sleep I am getting, I might as well as end this blog post and try to sleep. I hope you have an awesome day. Peace Out!!!

A Major F*ck Up (Contains Graphic Images)

Posted on by Gertie

GRAPHIC IMAGES

(IN THIS POST)

It’s two o’clock in the morning on Monday, October 16th of 2017. This particular blog post is not going to be a pretty one. It’s not going to be a pretty one because, I’m not only going to be discussing what happened on Saturday night but showing you images. IMAGES THAT ARE QUITE GRAPHIC!!!

(SIDE NOTE: Before I continue on with this post I want to reassure you that I am NOT suicidal and I DON’T feel like harming myself at the moment. If I were to become suicidal and/or feel like self harming, I will take myself to the hospital like I did Saturday.)

Saturday night was not the most pleasant of days for me. Both my PTSD and Depression symptoms got the better of me. So much so that I ended up cutting myself. I scared myself so much by cutting myself that I called two close friends who took me to the hospital to get evaluated. I would have called Junior however he was working at the moment and didn’t need him to worry as he is a firefighter.

As I was stating my friends took me to the Emergency Room where my wounds got treated and I got evaluated for my state of mind. Everyone was in agreement that I could (and still can) remain safe and was able to return home.

I stayed with my friends till Junior got off work. He picked me up from my friends house. He looked at my wounds and redressed them. We discussed on what I could do the next time things go this bad. Next time I won’t be so hesitant to reach out for support of friends are so fearful of calling 911.

Part of the reason why I ended up cutting on Saturday night was because I was fearful of my symptoms and angry that I was having them. I did end up getting some stitches. You may or may not be able to see the stitches but wanted to fore warn you.

(FYI: I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL!!! I CURRENTLY DO NOT FEEL LIKE HARMING MYSELF.)

THE BELOW IMAGES ARE GRAPHIC:

 

I just want to show you the realities of what happens when I am in an extremely bad head space. This is why I am grateful that I have a great support system. I am beyond grateful that I have a loving partner and awesome friends who are in my corner.

Thank you for reading my blog. I truly apologize if I triggered anyone with this particular blog post. Again, I want to reiterate: I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL AND I DON’T WANT TO HARM MYSELF IN ANY WAY. I’M NOT A RISK OF HARMING MYSELF OR ANYONE ELSE. Again, I want to thank for reading my blog. I hope I didn’t trigger anyone. If I did, I truly do apologize. I hope everyone has a good Monday. Have a good work week everyone and Peace Out, World!!!