Tag Archives: Work

HaPpY fRiDaY

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Friday, World!!! It has been a few days since I last blogged and I don’t even remember writing my last post. The dissociation is starting to become more frequent and the period of time that I am in a dissociative state is getting longer. This is quite concerning to both myself and my therapist.

In fact when I saw my therapist this past Tuesday (April 30th), we discussed the session we had on April 23rd as I was dissociated throughout that particular session and how an hour later I called apologizing for my appointment. I don’t remember calling much less going to my appointment with my therapist on April 23rd. My therapist was so concerned over that he was thinking about putting me on a 72 hour hold for an involuntarily hospitalization but decided to hold off on it to see what will happen. I am so grateful that he didn’t put me in the hospital involuntarily but it could still be an option for him if it continues especially if I end up self harming in a dissociative state. I am glad he was honest with me in regards to this as many therapist in the community mental health system don’t convey that information to their clients.

As concerning as my dissociation is at the moment, I have applied for a new job at another young adult shelter. I applied to another shelter due to the fact that it has my study hours than my current employer. The job I would be doing is supervising volunteers during their shift in the shelter. The best part of this is I still get to help young adult experiencing homelessness while mentoring volunteers as they to help the young adults.

Speaking of work, I love my current job for the most part. The only thing I really don’t like is that it is an on-call position at night and it is a twelve hour shift. I don’t mind it being at night or it being twelve hours but I never know when I am going to get called in and there might be more times were I have two days in a row of appointments and get called in like last night. I had appointments and classes all day yesterday as well as today and I worked last night. The only reason why I even said yes to last night (Thursday) is because my co-worker is in the ICU due to a blood clot and I had said no to three previous opportunities to work. So more or less I felt guilty and took the shift on guilt plus my co-worker being in the ICU isn’t exactly their fault.

Even though I was dead tired from working last night and being up since five in morning yesterday (Thursday) I still attended the art class this afternoon despite not getting any sleep. I think I mentioned that I am taking an art class called “Beginning Comics Storytelling.” It is a free class through a non-profit organization that helps low income individuals with being able to enjoy the arts. My therapist encouraged me to sign up for an art class and was able to get into the class I had chosen as my first choice. I am really enjoying the class thus far.

In fact the class really helped with some PTSD symptoms today. The PTSD symptoms that I experienced today was due to getting my first mammogram today and that was not only difficult but extremely painful. I am just glad I got it taken care of. In fact both my doctor and therapist checked with me in regards to the mammogram. Having so many medical appointments lately sucks but if it helps with current or potential health concerns I am all for it. I just don’t like having so many medical appointments.

I don’t have much more to say in this post. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend ahead of them. Have a wonderful rest of your weekend. Again, thank you so very much for reading my blog. Happy Friday and Peace Out, World!!!

Weekly Check In

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! I realize it has been a week since I last blogged. I did attempt to post and have plenty of unfinished post to prove that I did attempt to do so. I honestly don’t have any excuses to why didn’t finish the post I started.

I guess I will make this post my weekly check in as I was planning to tell you what my week was like anyway. I guess, I will start with Monday. Monday, I went to my doctors appointment and had my annual wellness check done. It was not a fun experience like always because of my trauma history. Anyway, my doctor wants me to get an ultrasound done because my uterus is enlarged and no I am not pregnant. She did a pregnancy test to make sure I wasn’t even though I already knew due to not being sexually active for well over a year. So, I am waiting on my insurance to “approve” the ultrasound. I am also waiting for insurance to “approve” me for a mammogram even though I am now forty and “shouldn’t need approval” according to the paperwork I have from them but hey we all need to go through this stupid red tape from time to time.

Tuesday, I saw my psychiatric nurse practitioner for a med review and that went well. She increased my Ambien to ten milligrams. We briefly discussed how things were going and I was honest with her and informed her about my doctor’s appointment. She thanked me for updating her on my physical health issues.

I also saw my therapist on Tuesday and we ended up discussing a great deal about my annual wellness check up. We discussed this as it was quite triggering to me due to my severe and lengthy trauma history. We also discussed about needing an ultrasound and being “of age” for a mammogram and the emotions that go with all of it. He also brought up the fact that a program called “Path with Art” registration is open for spring classes as he knows I love to do art and be creative as well as trying to build structure to help with my recovery.

Thursday, I went and saw my denturist to get them realigned and adjusted. It went pretty well except my grandpa got upset with the denturist due to the fact the he asked the denturist why I was telling him (my grandpa) that I shouldn’t wear my dentures at night. The denturist explained at length why not. My grandpa was not all that happy with the answer because my grandpa has been wearing his dentures at night for years. My grandpa also brought up some concerns that he and I both had and the denturist put our minds at ease. I am grateful that my grandpa paid for my dentures.

I also saw my therapist for a second time in the same week on Thursday. We discussed shit that was going on in regards to PTSD and anxiety. We also once again discussed signing up for “Path with Art” which I did later in the evening.

In fact when I signed up for Path with Art, I found out I could only take one class which sucks but I understand as it is free and geared toward folks in certain programs/agencies. Part of the registration is to give them your top three choices. My first choice is how to tell a story through comics and I feel like this was (and is) the best first choice for me as I love comics. I hope I get into this particular class as I really want to learn more about comics.

Another thing that happened Thursday was my boss texted me to see if I could work today (Saturday) and I informed him I couldn’t. He said okay and wants to do a one on one supervision with me this coming Wednesday due to not taking shift the last couple of months which I understand why he wants to do it. I am a little fearful that I will be let go but I don’t think that is the case as my employer appears to be cool from my experience and my supervisor did say we were going to talk about availability for his on calls. Plus, if I am to be let go even though it doesn’t seem all that likely at the moment, I will accept the fact about being let go due to the fact of not taking any shifts so in essence, I will be taking responsibility for my own actions.  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about the potential of being fired but it would be my own fault due to not taking any shifts when I was asked if I could do them. But like I said I don’t think that will be the case as I think they will just give me some kind of warning if it continues and like my supervisor said we will be discussing availability.  Also if it was something more official like being terminated, I am sure he would have sent me an email instead of a text.

I honestly don’t have much more to say except that the weather in Seattle currently sucks. It is windy and rainy outside. It is the type of day to stay inside and read type of day. Or maybe even a binge watch type of day. I most likely will be reading. I really love to read.

I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. If it wasn’t for you my reader, I don’t think I would continue to blog even though I do enjoy blogging. Again, thank you for reading my blog. I hope everyone has a great day. Peace Out, World!!!

Just Read if You Want to Know What I Said

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! I have a lot to catch you up on as a great deal has happened since I last posted. Let’s start with the employment part of my life or should I say the job seeker part of my life at the moment. Yes, I am still employed as an on call shelter counselor however it is not a job I want to be at for forever and a day. That means I have been sending out my resume’s to various places especially those who have Peer Specialist/Counselor jobs. I got call this past Tuesday from the HR person from the agency I am client of asking if I wanted an interview for one of the peer positions and I stated yes. So, I had an interview yesterday (Wednesday) and I don’t think it went all that well. I am not holding my breath on getting this position as I am a client of the agency that gave me the interview. I think it is best for all involved that I have low expectations in getting this job due to not being disappointed if I don’t get it. My employment specialist informed me that from her understanding with talking with one of the interviewers, I did a really good job at the interview and am on the bottom of the short list only because I am a client and I informed my employment specialist that I am okay with that as I understand the ethical conflict of the situation.

Other than the interview yesterday (Wednesday) and working Sunday night into Monday morning, I have not done much of anything but go see my therapist and employment specialist this past Tuesday. Mainly because it has been snowing outside and today was the first day the roads and sidewalks were decent enough to do anything. Sadly, the weather is not going to get better like it was today. Tomorrow (Friday), it suppose to start snowing again in the Seattle area. A good portion of folks that live in the Seattle area don’t do well in the snow, myself include. I really am not a big fan of the cold and snow. But I am one to say if it is cold enough to snow it might as well as snow.

Due to the snow storm that is suppose to happen this weekend I plan on not doing much of anything but hanging out at home with my cat, Lil Gertie. I figure this will be the perfect time to settle in and start on the workbook “The Artist Way” that I was telling you about a few post ago. In fact I am still assuming that it has you do art type things due to the title but I have read a little bit of the introduction and part of it requires you to do some journaling everyday which could be challenging to do daily but I am to doing it. Most of me is looking forward to it however some of me is sort of fearful of it as I am afraid of the things it will bring up. Whatever it brings up, I have a good support system in place to help me as well as my cat, Lil Gertie. In fact I am looking forward to hibernating here at home in the snowy cold weather with my cat, Lil Gertie. I don’t think there is a better way of spending wintry weather than spending it with my cat, Lil Gertie.

I do not have much more to say in this post. I do hope to post some time later tonight or tomorrow. I will keep you updated on the snowy weather here in Seattle. Thank you very much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a goodnight. Peace Out, World!!!

A Workplace Post

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! As I type this post, I am at work. I am bored half out of my mind and freezing but at least I have someone to keep me company as the shelter guest sleep. I am an On-Call Shelter Counselor at a young adult shelter here in Seattle and love my job for the most part. I really don’t like being on-call but hey, its a job. As I mentioned earlier I have someone to keep me company as I am training someone. I didn’t know I was training this person till I arrived to work. I am just shocked that my supervisor is having me train the new person as I am only an on-call person and don’t work very often. In fact the last time I took a shift was back in late November. The new person appears to be cool and has connected well with some of the shelter guest which is awesome.

In all honesty I would rather be at home in my own bed asleep at the moment. I am not tired at this moment in time as I slept really well during the day on Sunday as I knew I had to work a shift. I just don’t like when my sleep schedule gets all fucked up as I already have trouble sleeping.

Another reason why I was at home is primarily because of the weather. It is currently snowing in Seattle. I highly dislike the snow. I am not sure why but I have a few idea but won’t share them with you as I do not want to bore you. I not only don’t like the snow, I don’t like the cold weather. It is suppose to get windy and heavier snow later today (Monday) which sucks shit.

As much as I don’t like the news about windy, snowy weather for today (Monday), I am looking forward to hopefully hearing back from my employment specialist and/or the hiring manager of the peer job I applied for to see if I get an interview in the next week or two. I say this because I want and need a job that has a more stable schedule. Having a job that is only on-call sucks but I am grateful to have a job.

I do not have much more to say in this particular post. I hope to post later on today when I am off work and well rested after working a twelve hour shift at night. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. Peace Out, World!!!

Just A Boring Post About Employment

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! I am getting myself psyched to go into work tomorrow night (Sunday) as I really don’t want to go into work. I could have said no but the last few times I was asked to go into work I said no. So, in essence I felt obligated to go into work tomorrow. So that means tonight I will be pulling an all-niter so I can sleep during the day tomorrow (Sunday).  Staying up all night tonight and tomorrow will reek havoc on my already bad sleep patterns due to insomnia.

Due to the unpredictable schedule, I am applying for new jobs. In fact my employment specialist sent my resume to one of the supportive housing programs that the agency I am a client of oversee’s. Yes, I can work for the agency I am client of. I am personally hesitant to do so but if it gets me from being in an on call position then I will take the job. I was informed that the supervisor of the program my resume was sent will get back to me no later than Tuesday to schedule an interview with me. I really want this job but I won’t be hurt if I don’t get it as I am sure the person they hire will be the best fit for the job. I am also looking into applying for other peer jobs but it is difficult to find part time peer jobs at the moment.

I don’t have much more to say. I am pretty sure I will blog later as I am trying to stay up all night so I can sleep during the day tomorrow (Sunday) as I work tomorrow night. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. Peace Out, World!!

No Excuse For Not Blogging

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It has been a few weeks since I last posted. I have no excuses. I have had plenty of time to post especially since I have not been called into work since Christmas week which I didn’t work at all in December either except for a stupid staff meeting. I do have to say the last few days I have been in a depressive state to where I have been sleeping a great deal. Now, I am a little worried that I won’t be able to get any sleep for a few days.

Let me catch you up on what has been going on with me the last few weeks besides not getting called into work and sleeping a lot the last few days due to being in a depressive state. So, my therapist and one of his colleagues came by my apartment to check on the cleanliness of it and both of them were “impressed” by my apartment. They however weren’t surprised on my music selection as when they showed up, I was playing Sleater-Kinney. My therapist did notice I have some things that I need to throw away and have come up with a plan to get rid of the stuff I don’t need and he suggested by getting rid of the access stuff while listening to music.

Another thing that has been happening is that I have been preparing myself for some dentures. I am getting oral surgery done this Wednesday and will be getting dentures. Yes, I realize that being less than two months away from being forty years old and needing dentures is rare but considering that when I was young I was a hard core anorexic and bulimic, I did a number on my teeth. Something I am not proud of and twenty years after I stopped the eating disorders I am paying for the consequences. Consequences I don’t like but at least it is my teeth that I am loosing due to the eating disorders I dealt with as a child, teenager and young adult instead of my life.

As stressful as the upcoming oral surgery is, I think the reason why the last few days I have been dealing with depression and sleeping too much is because my grandma would have been eighty-nine years old on the fourteenth of this month (January). So, I guess I was dealing with some grief.  Grief that I am still dealing with and will continue to deal with. My therapist and I have been discussing it in bits and pieces. Dealing with grief sucks shit.

I don’t have much more to post about at the moment. I just hope everyone has a good rest of their Sunday evening. I hope everyone has a good night. Peace Out, World!!!!

Thinking About New Years Goals

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It is the last Friday of the year and it is hard to believe that 2018 is pretty much over especially since it has been a pretty tough year for me. Yes, things have improved a great deal for me this year however I am grateful beyond my wildest dreams that it is ending better than it started. Anyway, since it is that time of year where many people start thinking about New Years resolutions, I start thinking about New Years goals. Yes, I realize they are the same thing however I tend to accomplish my goals and not the resolutions. Not sure why but I think it is all about the wording and people expect you to not follow through with resolutions but people do expect to follow through with goals.

As I think about what I want to accomplish during 2019 or at least start to accomplish, I am having a tough time figuring out what I want my goals to be. I want and need them to realistic. I know I want to accomplish goals in regards to both my physical and mental health. I also want to accomplish getting a job with a more consistent schedule, preferably in the social services field but at this moment in time I might be happy with going back to working at a grocery store even if that isn’t really what I want to do. One thing I do know what I want to do is put in an effort of doing meditation and/or mindfulness on the daily basis again. Anyway, goals are ever changing and can be tweaked from time to time.

I don’t think I have much more to say except that I will be thinking a great deal about my goals for 2019. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope that everyone has a great rest of your Friday. I also hope everyone has a great weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

Sunday Evening Randomness

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It is Sunday evening and I don’t think I will have much to say in this post like I did in my last post. So, lets start with the work thing, I talked a great deal about in my last post. I ended up turning off my phone and took a nap. I really needed the nap as I didn’t get much sleep last night. Well, anyway, when I woke up from my nap I turned on my phone and sent the person who asked me to work for her a text as well as our boss. My boss texted me back saying it was no big deal and he understood that sometimes people activities required the phone to be turned off. But I didn’t receive a text back from the person asking for coverage which okay with me.

Well, tomorrow I am going to the person who does dentures to get a molding of my what little teeth I have left and they will refer me to a dentist that will pull my teeth out as the oral surgeon that was suppose to do it kept cancelling on me for various reason so the person who is going to do my dentures will refer me to someone who will pull my teeth. I am not looking forward to it but at least all I am getting tomorrow is the impressions of what little teeth I have left in my mouth.

I am still dealing with anxiety, depression and PTSD symptoms. Unfortunately, it appears the symptoms are starting to increase which isn’t a surprise to me but it is worrisome as I have been doing really well and improving greatly. I also know that the grief is setting in a little bit more as Christmas is in about nine days and it is the first holiday without my grandma. So with the increased in symptoms and the grief, I am striving to just maintain the next two to three months because of the holidays this month, my grandma’s birthday is next month in January and well my grandma passed away on Valentines Day which is February. So as much as I want to continue to improve and hope I do; all I can expect from myself is to be able to maintain how I am doing currently.

I do not have much else to say. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their Sunday or what is left of it. Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone’s work week goes well. Peace Out, World!!!

Sunday Randomness & Work Bullsh*t

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! It is a nice a lazy day with a bit of anxiety that I can deal with at the moment. I, of course of my typical anxiety that I deal with on the daily basis however I received a text from someone at work to see if I could work for her tonight. I always get right back to here saying whether or not I am able to work for her but I am not going to respond to her text for a two or three hours as it is her shifts I ended up covering. In fact all but one of the shifts I have covered were for her so I figure she can wait a few hours for me to respond. I am planing on informing her that I can not work for her tonight. I know I should tell her sooner than later but when I tell her my excuse, I want it to be more believable. I am not going to be lying to her as when I received her text I was busy at the time and have thing planned to do today but it is the type of plans that I can rearrange to go to work but my colleague doesn’t need to know that. I won’t be lying to her when I tell her, “sorry, I just saw your full text. I have been busy all day and am unable to work tonight.”  So, I’m not lying as I haven’t read her full text till I reply to her text. I am just frustrated that she is the one I have filled for every time except once. If I get into trouble for not responding to her text soon enough or covering shift then I will accept the consequences. Technically, on calls are suppose to cover at least one shift a month and I have had a handful of opportunities to do so this month but haven’t wanted to various reasons. Considering the other on call person hasn’t done a shift in months I don’t think I have anything to worry about in regards to getting fired but if I do get let go for that reason I will be disappointed but grateful at the same time. Don’t get me wrong I like my job for the most part. I just don’t like being on call and the irregular hours as it messes with my sleep. If I had a regular shift even if it is a night shift I would have a better sleep pattern.

So, since being on call for a night shift isn’t the right fit for me, I have been looking for other jobs. Even jobs I have had before and really didn’t like. I have considered going back to working at grocery store because at least they would be able to respect my accommodations I need for my disability. I am applying to various places and will only apply at a grocery store as last resort. I really want to become Peer Specialist again. I have been applying for various positions in the mental health field including administrative assistant and janitorial jobs at mental health agencies as once you have a foot in the door, you’re more likely to get hired within the agency.

It is the holiday season and Christmas is nine days away. I can’t help but think how difficult this Christmas is going to be for my family as it is the first holiday season without my grandma. Grief is hard no matter what but it seems more difficult the first year without the person who is gone. I hope all goes well over Christmas and that my family is able to handle it.

I just received another text from the colleague wanting me to cover her shift for her. So I turned off my phone. That way I can say that my phone was off and I didn’t receive her text or if she calls then it will go straight to voicemail. I know I should respond but I don’t want to come up with some lie. I just want to tell her that when she texted me I was unavailable and now that I read them I am unable to work.  Granted I have only read part of the text but not the full text as if I open the text then she will know it was delivered. I just don’t want to work tonight. I know I should just say I am unable to work but she is the type of person that will pressure you into working.

Now back to the grieving process of missing my grandma. I think that is part of the reason why I don’t want to work tonight. Plus, my depression and anxiety is acting up at the moment. Some of my anxiety is work related at the moment but the other part of my anxiety is PTSD related which sucks. It being winter and Christmas time my mental health symptoms tend to get worse due to past traumas, weather and shorter days. I really dislike grief, depression, anxiety and PTSD.

I think I will try to get some sleep since I didn’t sleep well last night. A nap will do me some good and then maybe I can come up with an excuse that is not a lie to my work colleague. I am turning off my phone as a precaution, just in case she or our supervisor attempts to call so it will go straight to voicemail. I informed my grandpa about it and his said “just lie saying you were taking care of me” but I don’t want to lie. I just want to say something like “I just got your text and was unavailable to respond and am unable to work tonight since I just saw the text. I am sorry for the short notice. I hope you understand” and hopefully she buys it. I did read some but not all of the message as I didn’t open the full text message so I am not exactly lying but it feel like a lie in a way even though I have been busy doing other things. An idea I have is to say I am unable to work tonight due to my disability acting up which is true or I have migraine which is also true. So when I do respond later I will most likely tell her that I’ve either been busy or been dealing with a migraine and won’t use the disability until I absolutely need to and using my disability in this case in not an absolute need to.

I think I really need to focus on making sure the symptoms of my depression, anxiety and PTSD don’t increase because I want today to continue to be another lazy Sunday. I love dealing with lazy Sundays and that is what I am gong to do despite the anxiety of not responding to colleague about working for her tonight. I will let it be a lazy Sunday and respond to her later. So here is to an enjoyable lazy Sunday despite others needs, increased mental health symptoms, grief and the expectations that Christmas brings.

Now, I am going to end this post so I can go take a nap. Thank for reading my blog. I hope you continue to read my blog and I will NOT lie to my colleague as I have been busy and have been dealing with a migraine. Not sure which truth I am going to tell her but I will text her later on. Again thank you for reading. Have a wonderful Sunday. Peace Out, World!!!

Fighting Off Depression & Feeling Horrible About Lying

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! I was asked if I could work tomorrow night and I said no due to having the flu. Yes, I know that was a lie but, I haven’t been feeling all that well and feel like I am coming down with a cold. In all honesty I don’t feel like working for the individual that wants me to work for them tomorrow because it always appears that I am working for that particular person. So, I told this person a lied saying I have the flu even though I don’t.

I really feel bad for lying to this individual about having the flu but since I feel like I am coming down with the cold and I see my doctor on Tuesday, I can get a doctors not as a precaution. I know lying is bad and it make me feel horrible about myself and it is something I rarely do. I just don’t want to work for this person as they always seem to be the one who needs someone to work for them.

On the plus side this whole ordeal is making me realize even more than usual that this job is not the best fit for me due to the fact that it is an on call position for a graveyard shift. If I had a more regular shift even for a graveyard shift I think I could do the job but since it is an on call position it is difficult for me due to sleep issues that I already have.

Because of this realization I am working on my resume and cover letter to apply to other jobs. Jobs that I will be interested in even if they are not Peer Specialist positions. Most anything with a study schedule in a field that is in the social service field I am cool with.

Even though I am working on job stuff, I have come to realize that my depression has increased a little bit today. Enough to where I don’t want to go to my volunteer job. Even though my depression is acting up I will be going to my volunteer job this evening. Getting out and doing something for others is always helpful for me even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.

I might be fighting off depression but at least I am attempting to not isolate by spending time with a friend before I go to my volunteer job as well as going to my volunteer job. My friend and I are going to go have a late lunch early dinner at our favorite restaurant, Red Robin. I love Red Robin. Eating at Red Robin with friends is always a good time and helps a good portion of the time.

I do not have much else to say in this post. I do feel really bad about lying to my colleague about having the flu so I don’t have to work tomorrow and hope that I am able to work through lying to them. Other than that I don’t have much else to say. I hope everyone has a good rest of their weekend. Peace Out, World!!!