Tag Archives: Recovery

Depressed on a Beautiful Sunny Monday

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is a beautiful Monday morning in Seattle and all I feel like doing is sleeping the day away due to the fact that my depression appears to be acting up. All I want to do is curl up in bed and just stay there. I am not sure why my depression is acting up but it is something to keep an eye on.

Since I am depressed and feel like sleeping and/or curled up in bed all day, I am in need of doing some good self care today. Self care that includes several basic things that people tend to take for granted. Things like eating. When I am depressed I tend to not eat which is not a good thing which means I personally need to focus on eating. Eating healthy yet comforting foods.

Another form of good self care for me is to do some art work. Specifically coloring. For me coloring is a type of mindfulness as well as meditation. When you color being mindful of what you are coloring is key. It is also a type of meditation as it can have a meditative aspect to it.

I do not have much more to say. I just know I need to eat breakfast as well as take a shower. I have not taken a shower since Wednesday evening and I know I am stinking. I am thinking I am going to have Maple and Brown Sugar Oatmeal. Maple and Brown Sugar Oatmeal is semi-healthy and very much a comfort food for me.

I think I am going to end this post as I really need to make sure I need to eat. Plus, I need to take a shower and go get my meds from the pharmacy. I want to thank you for reading my blog. I am extremely appreciative of you reading my blog. Again, thank you for reading my blog. I hope everyone has a great day as well as a great work week. Peace Out, World!!!

HaPpY fRiDaY

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Friday, World!!! It has been a few days since I last blogged and I don’t even remember writing my last post. The dissociation is starting to become more frequent and the period of time that I am in a dissociative state is getting longer. This is quite concerning to both myself and my therapist.

In fact when I saw my therapist this past Tuesday (April 30th), we discussed the session we had on April 23rd as I was dissociated throughout that particular session and how an hour later I called apologizing for my appointment. I don’t remember calling much less going to my appointment with my therapist on April 23rd. My therapist was so concerned over that he was thinking about putting me on a 72 hour hold for an involuntarily hospitalization but decided to hold off on it to see what will happen. I am so grateful that he didn’t put me in the hospital involuntarily but it could still be an option for him if it continues especially if I end up self harming in a dissociative state. I am glad he was honest with me in regards to this as many therapist in the community mental health system don’t convey that information to their clients.

As concerning as my dissociation is at the moment, I have applied for a new job at another young adult shelter. I applied to another shelter due to the fact that it has my study hours than my current employer. The job I would be doing is supervising volunteers during their shift in the shelter. The best part of this is I still get to help young adult experiencing homelessness while mentoring volunteers as they to help the young adults.

Speaking of work, I love my current job for the most part. The only thing I really don’t like is that it is an on-call position at night and it is a twelve hour shift. I don’t mind it being at night or it being twelve hours but I never know when I am going to get called in and there might be more times were I have two days in a row of appointments and get called in like last night. I had appointments and classes all day yesterday as well as today and I worked last night. The only reason why I even said yes to last night (Thursday) is because my co-worker is in the ICU due to a blood clot and I had said no to three previous opportunities to work. So more or less I felt guilty and took the shift on guilt plus my co-worker being in the ICU isn’t exactly their fault.

Even though I was dead tired from working last night and being up since five in morning yesterday (Thursday) I still attended the art class this afternoon despite not getting any sleep. I think I mentioned that I am taking an art class called “Beginning Comics Storytelling.” It is a free class through a non-profit organization that helps low income individuals with being able to enjoy the arts. My therapist encouraged me to sign up for an art class and was able to get into the class I had chosen as my first choice. I am really enjoying the class thus far.

In fact the class really helped with some PTSD symptoms today. The PTSD symptoms that I experienced today was due to getting my first mammogram today and that was not only difficult but extremely painful. I am just glad I got it taken care of. In fact both my doctor and therapist checked with me in regards to the mammogram. Having so many medical appointments lately sucks but if it helps with current or potential health concerns I am all for it. I just don’t like having so many medical appointments.

I don’t have much more to say in this post. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend ahead of them. Have a wonderful rest of your weekend. Again, thank you so very much for reading my blog. Happy Friday and Peace Out, World!!!

This is how I am when I’m starting to dissociate & I hope it’s educational for you as I fight against it.

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Monday and Good Evening, World!!! It is an absolutely, amazingly, beautiful day here in Seattle and I have been enjoying it to the best of my ability. Sadly, I am partly in reality and partly fighting against the dissociative state I am slowly getting in. Being is a dissociated state even a partial one is never good thing for me.

So, I went for a walk and a listened to some great music. As I was walking listening to music, I realized I was starting to dissociate and stopped in my tracks to go back home. As I walked back up I did a walking mindfulness and meditation exercise as I walked back home. As I walked through the door to my apartment my cat instantly knew something was wrong so she did was she needed to do and it helped great deal for me to get more it reality than I wasn’t in. Hell, I am still trying to get back into a hundred percent reality. Not sure why I am fighting so hard with the dissociation right now. I just want to enjoy the nice Seattle weather by taking a walk. I have done some mindfulness and meditation practices since I am hope and it is not help all that much at the moment. My cat is helping a great deal. Just focusing on her, my cat is quite helpful.

Now, I am just going to play some music and do some art. I will also play my flute. When I play my flute and/or do art, it helps me get out what I need to so I am able to be fully in reality and not in a dissociative state. Art and music always help. I might do some art outside since it is a beautiful weather day here in Seattle. I just cant go for a walk or I could forget how to get home and I don’t want that so that’s why I’m going to do art on this beautiful sunny day in Seattle in the community porch for the people who live in my apartment building.

Of course I will be spending more time with my cat, Lil Gertie, as she appears to know how to help me when I am in a dissociative state. She is an amazing cat that has helped me a great deal with when I am in a true dissocive  state like I am now. I really don’t let myself go when I am writing. I guess now people can see how hard it is for me.

I am thinking I am needing to end this post so I can do my art and spend time with my cat. Have a great Monday everyone.I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World

An Ambien Written Post

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It about 2:15 in the morning on a Tuesday in my corner of the world. In fact I am sure some places in the world are ending their Tuesday as other parts of the world like where I live is just starting out their Tuesday.

Right now I am unable to sleep despite attempting to get to sleep. So, now I am up and decided to write a post as I hope that maybe writing will help. I love to write weather it’s blogging, journaling, poetry or short stories. For some reason it is quite helpful for me when I am needing to clear my mind.

Since I am unable to sleep I decided to put on some music. In fact, the playlist I am listening to at the moment, I titled, Childhood Memories, as it is songs I remember from my childhood. Most of the songs I have heard over and over again. Some how music helps me.

Before, I decided to write a blog post, I decided to color. I love to color. It is a form of both mindfulness and meditation for me. It helps me be in a place of relaxation as well helps me turn out the outside noise that the world brings in.

To be honest with you all, I am going to have to look at this post later on today as well as the art work I colored because I took an Ambien when I started coloring about an hour ago. So, yes, I am writing under the influence of Ambien. This post should be an interesting post to reread. In fact I am sure my coloring might be interesting to look at after the ambien wears off and I am able to get some sleep. I think I am going to go to bed now as I am extremely sleepy now from the ambien and I will leave my music on as it helps me sleep.

I do not have much else to say as if I continue to write I most likely will be repeating myself. My cat is meowing at me from my bed in the bedroom so I am thinking she is telling me it is way past my bed time. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Peace Out, World!!

A Goodnight Post

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! It is 11:30pm on Monday night in my corner of the world and I am getting sleepy so I think it is time to go to bed. Even though I am really sleepy and about to go to bed, I want to continue to read the book I am reading. In fact I have been reading since my last blog post. A cool thing is that my cat, Lil Gertie, has been cuddling with me for most of the last few hours as I read.

Tomorrow, I don’t have much going except that I have an appointment with my therapist. I really need to attend my appointment tomorrow (Tuesday) as I miss my appointment last week. We have a great deal to discuss as well as work on. My therapist is extremely cool and he cares about his clients or at least that has been my experience.

Other than seeing my therapist tomorrow, I don’t have much else planned. I think I am going to do the same thing I did today, tomorrow. That is to have scented candles burning with music blaring as I read or do some form of art. Not sure what type of art yet but some form of art. I figure if I do what I did today it will help me be more chill especially since I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. Therapy is never easy and if I am able do good self care tomorrow like I did today then I will be all good for the most part.

Good self care is an essential part of being in recovery. For me, what I did today is only part of my self care routine and is something I enjoy. Of course, I can’t always do today’s form of self care because of responsibilities I have to tend to but when I am able to do what I did today, it is well worth it. Self care looks differently for everyone and it changes daily.

I don’t have much more to say. Thank you for reading my blog as it is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a good nights sleep. Goodnight and Peace Out, World!!!

A Lazy Type of Day

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It has been a relaxing Monday. I haven’t really been productive today except with getting my meds and some wet cat food for my cat, Lil Gertie. Other than the two errands I did, I pretty much have been lazy today. It’s been a pretty lazy day because I really didn’t have much to do and the weather here in Seattle has pretty much sucked most of the day. It is nothing uncommon for Seattle’s weather to suck in early spring like today.

I have spent most of the day including now as I write this post is having some scented candles burning. This has been quite soothing to me today because the symptoms of my mental health symptoms have been high. For some reason it helps calm down the symptoms.

Another thing that I have spent most of the day doing is listening to music. There is something about music that soothes both the mind and the soul. Music is also something you can have on in the background doing other things.

As I was listening to music like I am now, I was also coloring. Coloring helps me be mindful of the current moment. Being mindful of the current moment is something that is greatly needed when things aren’t exactly going they way you want or need them to be. For me coloring helps with that.

While coloring my cat interrupted me on several occasions. It was obvious that she was doing her typical cat thing of wanting to “help.” So, when she wanted to “help,” I gave her the attention she was wanting and appeared content for another hour or two. I love my cat, Lil Gertie, so much.

Since I pretty much colored most of the day, I am going to read this evening once I am done writing this post. I love reading and it seems like an appropriate way to end to the a nice relaxing and lazy day. I really love reading. Reading helps me go to places, I would otherwise not be able to go. It also helps with my imagination which helps me forget my own problems and issues. Of course as I read, I will continue to have the music on and the scented candle burning and maybe my cat, Lil Gertie, will be willing to cuddle up with me as I read.

I don’t have much more to say. Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a good rest of their Monday evening. Peace Out, World!!!

Boundaries Crossed = Anger

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! Right now I am livid. I am beyond livid. A friend of mine came over to hang out because she is acutely aware that I have been isolating. This friend is a Christian and I have no problem with that. The problem I have is what she did when she was here.

Long story short we were discussing why I was isolating. I informed her that when my depression symptoms get bad I tend to isolate especially when the psychosis acts up. When I experience psychosis, I hear voices. My friend was (and still is) concerned about my depression symptoms increasing as she expressed this to me as we were talking. During our conversation she informed me that I “have demons” in me because I hear voices. This is the point where she decided to lay hands on me to “pray out the demons.” If prayer worked for my mental health challenges then I wouldn’t have any. I know I shouldn’t be mad at my friend for “trying” to help but prayer does shit especially since I no longer consider myself a Christian. It angers me that people of the Christian faith think prayer is the cure all and heal all when it is not. I asked my friend to not put hands on me to pray for me. She then got mad at me. I attempted to educate her about psychosis and voices but she didn’t want to hear it and left. I am angry at her because she didn’t respect my boundaries. She is aware that I don’t like to be touched and that I don’t really like to be “prayed over” especially in my own home.

Being angry at my friend for not respecting my boundaries has me questioning if I should really be mad at her for doing what she thought was helping. All I wanted was to hang out and watch movies or television. I didn’t want to be “prayed over.” Am I overreacting regarding this? I hope not. I truly don’t understand why people think prayer is the answer to everything.

I am thinking I am needing to stop writing about this particular issue as it is making me more angry. I, highly dislike being angry especially at a good friend who in my opinion was trying to help to the best of her ability even though we both know she crossed my boundaries.

I do not have much more to say. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a good rest of their Saturday evening. Peace Out, World!!!

Weekly Check In

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! I realize it has been a week since I last blogged. I did attempt to post and have plenty of unfinished post to prove that I did attempt to do so. I honestly don’t have any excuses to why didn’t finish the post I started.

I guess I will make this post my weekly check in as I was planning to tell you what my week was like anyway. I guess, I will start with Monday. Monday, I went to my doctors appointment and had my annual wellness check done. It was not a fun experience like always because of my trauma history. Anyway, my doctor wants me to get an ultrasound done because my uterus is enlarged and no I am not pregnant. She did a pregnancy test to make sure I wasn’t even though I already knew due to not being sexually active for well over a year. So, I am waiting on my insurance to “approve” the ultrasound. I am also waiting for insurance to “approve” me for a mammogram even though I am now forty and “shouldn’t need approval” according to the paperwork I have from them but hey we all need to go through this stupid red tape from time to time.

Tuesday, I saw my psychiatric nurse practitioner for a med review and that went well. She increased my Ambien to ten milligrams. We briefly discussed how things were going and I was honest with her and informed her about my doctor’s appointment. She thanked me for updating her on my physical health issues.

I also saw my therapist on Tuesday and we ended up discussing a great deal about my annual wellness check up. We discussed this as it was quite triggering to me due to my severe and lengthy trauma history. We also discussed about needing an ultrasound and being “of age” for a mammogram and the emotions that go with all of it. He also brought up the fact that a program called “Path with Art” registration is open for spring classes as he knows I love to do art and be creative as well as trying to build structure to help with my recovery.

Thursday, I went and saw my denturist to get them realigned and adjusted. It went pretty well except my grandpa got upset with the denturist due to the fact the he asked the denturist why I was telling him (my grandpa) that I shouldn’t wear my dentures at night. The denturist explained at length why not. My grandpa was not all that happy with the answer because my grandpa has been wearing his dentures at night for years. My grandpa also brought up some concerns that he and I both had and the denturist put our minds at ease. I am grateful that my grandpa paid for my dentures.

I also saw my therapist for a second time in the same week on Thursday. We discussed shit that was going on in regards to PTSD and anxiety. We also once again discussed signing up for “Path with Art” which I did later in the evening.

In fact when I signed up for Path with Art, I found out I could only take one class which sucks but I understand as it is free and geared toward folks in certain programs/agencies. Part of the registration is to give them your top three choices. My first choice is how to tell a story through comics and I feel like this was (and is) the best first choice for me as I love comics. I hope I get into this particular class as I really want to learn more about comics.

Another thing that happened Thursday was my boss texted me to see if I could work today (Saturday) and I informed him I couldn’t. He said okay and wants to do a one on one supervision with me this coming Wednesday due to not taking shift the last couple of months which I understand why he wants to do it. I am a little fearful that I will be let go but I don’t think that is the case as my employer appears to be cool from my experience and my supervisor did say we were going to talk about availability for his on calls. Plus, if I am to be let go even though it doesn’t seem all that likely at the moment, I will accept the fact about being let go due to the fact of not taking any shifts so in essence, I will be taking responsibility for my own actions.  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about the potential of being fired but it would be my own fault due to not taking any shifts when I was asked if I could do them. But like I said I don’t think that will be the case as I think they will just give me some kind of warning if it continues and like my supervisor said we will be discussing availability.  Also if it was something more official like being terminated, I am sure he would have sent me an email instead of a text.

I honestly don’t have much more to say except that the weather in Seattle currently sucks. It is windy and rainy outside. It is the type of day to stay inside and read type of day. Or maybe even a binge watch type of day. I most likely will be reading. I really love to read.

I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. If it wasn’t for you my reader, I don’t think I would continue to blog even though I do enjoy blogging. Again, thank you for reading my blog. I hope everyone has a great day. Peace Out, World!!!

Yucky Weather + Nothing to Do = Lazy Weekend, Reading

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! Well, it is another weekend and I have realized it has been four days since I last blog and I apologize for that. I don’t really have any reasons or excuses of not blogging except, I really didn’t feel like it for some reason.

Well, as many of you if not all of you know, it is the weekend. What many of you may not know is that the weather people here in Seattle keep saying we are suppose to have a couple of spring storms this weekend. Storms that are suppose to bring strong winds, pouring down rain and possible power outages due to strong winds. I can tell you right now from looking out my window that the wind is blowing due to the trees moving but it is not raining even though the clouds in the distance look ominous.

Due the so called spring storms coming, I’ll be a bit on the lazy side this weekend. Specifically, I will be doing quite a bit of reading. I will be reading Yesternight by Cat Winters. Hopefully, I will be able to finish it this weekend. I am really enjoying the a book immensely. I highly recommend the book. I will also be reading comic books; specifically, Wonder Woman.

I really do not have much else to say. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great weekend and is able to enjoy whatever you may doing. Peace Out, World!!!

Despite How I Was Feeling, Thankfully, I Was Not Hospitalized

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! If you read my last post you know that I was in an extremely bad place. A bad place to where I needed to take myself to the hospital to keep myself safe. I was in the emergency room for thirteen hours and my therapist and I agreed that I did not be on an inpatient psych unit and that I could have a two appointments with him this week. Our usual scheduled appointment for today (Tuesday) and another one on Thursday before my DBT group. So after seeing my therapist in the hospital emergency room yesterday (Monday), I was able to get discharged from the hospital.

Now that it is Tuesday afternoon, I would like to tell you that I attended both of my scheduled appointments today. The first one was with my therapist and end up being an hour and a half appointment which was very productive. We discussed a number of things in regards to the increasing symptoms of my mental health challenges.

I also say my employment specialist who we both like to consider her more of a career coach than an employment specialist because she is more of a career coach for me than an employment specialist. Yes, there is a difference between the two but I can no put words to it at the moment. She is helping me find a career in the field I want to be in.

Both my Career Coach and my Therapist suggested I read books that would be educational for me. The type of books the you would buy for college courses. They both agreed it would be quite helpful with my spare time and even more helpful for me when I am working a twelve hour overnight shift, it could help keep me busy during the boring moments of my job. Reading books geared toward classes for colleges students will help me educate myself and be an informal education.

My therapist loves the fact that I have a goal to read at least one book month for pleasure. He thinks it is a great idea that I am actually scheduling it into my day to read. Another thing my therapist is pleased about is that I am doing a daily gratitude list every morning. He informed me today “despite your current set backs, you are also making some progress with willing to try do others things to help with your recovery.” So I guess despite all the set backs I guess I am making some sort of progress with willing to do things to help myself out when I would normally not be willing to do.

I am extremely grateful that saw my therapist and career coach today. It really helped me realize that despite feeling the way I did, I really didn’t need to be in a psych ward at the moment.  Being in the community is what is best for me. My therapist did say if things get worse then hospitalization might have to be an option but right now it is not as being in the community is the best option for me.

I don’t have much more to say. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great Tuesday evening. Peace Out, World!!!