Despite How I Was Feeling, Thankfully, I Was Not Hospitalized

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! If you read my last post you know that I was in an extremely bad place. A bad place to where I needed to take myself to the hospital to keep myself safe. I was in the emergency room for thirteen hours and my therapist and I agreed that I did not be on an inpatient psych unit and that I could have a two appointments with him this week. Our usual scheduled appointment for today (Tuesday) and another one on Thursday before my DBT group. So after seeing my therapist in the hospital emergency room yesterday (Monday), I was able to get discharged from the hospital.

Now that it is Tuesday afternoon, I would like to tell you that I attended both of my scheduled appointments today. The first one was with my therapist and end up being an hour and a half appointment which was very productive. We discussed a number of things in regards to the increasing symptoms of my mental health challenges.

I also say my employment specialist who we both like to consider her more of a career coach than an employment specialist because she is more of a career coach for me than an employment specialist. Yes, there is a difference between the two but I can no put words to it at the moment. She is helping me find a career in the field I want to be in.

Both my Career Coach and my Therapist suggested I read books that would be educational for me. The type of books the you would buy for college courses. They both agreed it would be quite helpful with my spare time and even more helpful for me when I am working a twelve hour overnight shift, it could help keep me busy during the boring moments of my job. Reading books geared toward classes for colleges students will help me educate myself and be an informal education.

My therapist loves the fact that I have a goal to read at least one book month for pleasure. He thinks it is a great idea that I am actually scheduling it into my day to read. Another thing my therapist is pleased about is that I am doing a daily gratitude list every morning. He informed me today “despite your current set backs, you are also making some progress with willing to try do others things to help with your recovery.” So I guess despite all the set backs I guess I am making some sort of progress with willing to do things to help myself out when I would normally not be willing to do.

I am extremely grateful that saw my therapist and career coach today. It really helped me realize that despite feeling the way I did, I really didn’t need to be in a psych ward at the moment.  Being in the community is what is best for me. My therapist did say if things get worse then hospitalization might have to be an option but right now it is not as being in the community is the best option for me.

I don’t have much more to say. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great Tuesday evening. Peace Out, World!!!

In Need of Going to the Hospital

Posted on by Gertie

Good Monday Morning, World!!! It is just a few minutes after two o’clock in the morning and I am have some pretty severe symptoms regarding my mental health challenges. Specifically, it is my depression that I am really struggling with, right along with my PTSD symptoms. The symptoms of my mental health challenges are quite overwhelming and causing me some concern. Concern enough for me to take myself to the Emergency Room.

I say that it is concerning enough to take myself to the hospital because I am having extremely high urges to self harm. I fear that I can do some serious harm to myself if I do not take myself to the hospital. Sadly, I also have some suicidal thoughts with a plan and this lead me to realize that I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND WILL TAKE MYSELF TO THE HOSPITAL BEFORE I DO ANY HARM TO MYSELF IN ANYWAY, AFTER I AM DONE WRITING THIS POST. I just don’t like feeling like this and wish taking myself to the hospital wasn’t an option but it is needs to be an option as I want to live and not die nor harm myself myself in any way.

The things that have been keeping me safe to this moment in time is my cat, Lil Gertie. She has been by my side since I woke up yesterday (Sunday) evening. She some how knows with her animal intuition that I am struggling at the moment. I personally think if it wasn’t for my cat, Lil Gertie, I would have attempted to die by suicide but thankfully I have not. I have not due to the fact that I have a responsibility to my cat, Lil Gertie. Lil Gertie doesn’t need to be an orphan once again nor in yet another animal shelter. It is because of my cat, Lil Gertie, that I am taking myself to the hospital to keep myself safe so I DON’T ATTMEPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE NOR SELF HARM. I WILL NOT SELF HARM OR ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE because I owe it to Lil Gertie, my cat, to be around to take care of her.

The other thing that has been helping keeping me safe from self harming or attempting to die by suicide to reading an awesome book called Yesternight by Cat Winters. It has been helping me great deal to keep me out of my own head and not think of about self harm urges or being suicidal. It is an awesome book and I highly recommend the book, Yesternight by Cat Winters.

The other thing beside my cat and reading, is doing some art. I have been painting. Painting to see if it will help me put some words on to the emotions I am feeling in regards to my current state of my of suicidal plans and self harm urges. It helps help a great deal but not enough to help me not go into the emergency room. I am grateful that I was able to express how I am feeling through the art of painting.

I do not have much more to say in this post. I just want to let you all now that I WILL NOT SELF HARM NOR WILL I ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE AS I WILL BE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL VIA A LYFTONCE I AM DONE WRITING THIS POST. NO THIS IS NOT AN APRIL FOOL’S JOKE NOR IS IT A PRANK!!! I want tho thank you for reading my blog as it is greatly appreciated and yes, if I do get hospitalized for psych reasons, I do have people who can cat sit my my cat, Lil Gertie!!!. Thank you again for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a good Monday. Peace Out, World!!!

It’s Midnight & Unable to Sleep

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Twelve Midnight, World!!! Since it is officially twelve midnight in my corner of the world, that means it is officially Monday in Seattle. I really do not think I will be able to sleep tonight in part of insomnia but mainly because I slept most of the day on Sunday.

As I am writing this post my cat, Lil Gertie, is wanting to much needed attention. I have been giving her a great deal of attention since I woke up late afternoon, early evening yesterday (Sunday) due to sleeping most of the day. I am not really sure why I slept most of Sunday but I did. I sure know that Lil Gertie, my cat, will be happy that I will be on her “wake schedule” so I can play with her and give her some attention. I love my cat, Lil Gertie, as she has been quite helpful to me in regards to my emotional and mental health. When I went to go to adopt a cat, I went to the same place everyday for a week and she as always the one to come and greet me and play with me. The day adopted her, there were only two other cats that were still there when I first went to look at cats. Neither one of them were interested in me but Lil Gertie was so I think she chose me and not me choosing her even though I would have chosen her anyway. She somehow knows when I am struggling and know what to do in a particular situation. I love my cat, Lil Gertie, so very much.

Since I am not really sure I am going to be able to sleep tonight, I will not only be paying attention to Lil Gertie, my cat but will be reading a book by Cat Winters named Yesternight. It is a pretty awesome book and I am highly recommend it. I am not quite to the half way mark of the book but so far so good. If you like historical fiction with a little bit of horror in I would highly suggest reading. It also has some fantasy and science fiction aspects to the book as well. So it is a book that can be of interest to folks across the genre spectrum. I like the type of books that can use multiple genres in one book as it makes more entertaining and interesting read.

I just hope that this isn’t exactly a sleepless night for me as I would like to get some sleep so I don’t sleep again all through the day light hours on Monday. I don’t need my sleep schedule to get more off that it already is. I need to practice some good sleep hygiene.

I do not have much more to say as I want to get to paying attention to my cat, Lil Gertie, and to reading my book Yesternight by Cat Winters. I hope everyone has a great night of sleep. So, Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end. Have a good night sleep everyone. Peace Out, World!!!

Slept All Day On A Beautiful Seattle Day

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! Today (Sunday), was beautiful day. It was a beautiful day outside that even Mount Rainier was out. Usually, on beautiful sunny days like today you can see Mount Rainier. It is a beautiful site to see. Sadly, during the summer it is quite difficult due from the fires from across this great state of Washington.

Unfortunately, I did sleep a good potion of the day. Not sure why I slept a good portion of the day as I actually got some good sleep last night. It wasn’t so so sleep but a good restful sleep. I think part of it is my depression. My depression either has me not sleep at all or I sleep too much. In fact it is usually not at all. I just wish I didn’t sleep on such a beautiful day suck as today.

On a plus note, I was awake during the times my friends and I have a potluck meal every Sunday. We do this every Sunday as we all remember having Sunday meals that extra family came over or when friends and neighbors came by. My friends (who are neighbors) decided to do this years ago to help keep that tradition going from our childhood despite some of our big age differences.

I just wish I did not sleep today away as it would have been a great Sunday to go enjoy the cherry blossom’s on University of Washington (UW) campus. Those cherry blossoms are beautiful to see when they are at full blossom. Seeing the cherry blossoms on the UW campus sure helps with my depression. I think that is what I am going to go do tomorrow (Monday) and bring my lunch with me. There is nothing like having a picnic on the UW campus when the cherry blossoms are in bloom. Hopefully, the weather will be beautiful like it was today (Sunday) and yesterday (Saturday).

I do not have much more to say as I am still pretty sleepy and could easily go back to bed and sleep even though I slept well last night and most of today. I would like to thank you for reading my blog as it is great appreciated from my end of things.  As the weekend comes to a close with only four hours and ten minutes left of it, I hope everyone had a great weekend. I also hope everyone has a great work week starting tomorrow (Monday) especially if you have a “typical” work week of Monday thru Friday. Again, thank you for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

UGH!!! Why Can’t They Just Fix The Damn Thing?

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! I am quite frustrated at the fucking moment. I am frustrated because the building fire alarm is malfunctioning once again. I just don’t understand why the building management won’t actually fix the damn thing. The fire alarm malfunctions multiple times a month and sadly the entire fire alarm system has been replace three times in the eleven years I have lived here.

The worst thing about it going off this time around is that I was in the freaking shower. There is nothing more annoying than a fire alarm starting to malfunction as you are taking a shower. When the alarm started going off, I quickly got out of the shower, dried off as best as I can and got dressed. I, then put my cat, Lil Gertie, in her carrier and exited the building as I wasn’t sure if there was actually a fire and another malfunction. Thankfully, there was no fire but it sure is frustrating that it was yet another malfunction.

Through all this the fire department called the building management after hours number as nobody is in the office in the evenings or on the weekends. The firefighters are getting quite frustrated with the situation. When the firefighters finally reached someone they were informed that it could take “a few hours to get there.” Well, the firefighter talking with person from management got extremely upset and said “someone needs to be here in a half an hour or less or the fine will double if not triple the amount depending of what the fire marshal decides. Needless to say someone from the building management was here in about fifteen minutes and then about twenty minutes later someone from the maintenance team was here.

More or less all this took about an hour and I am finally back in my apartment. My cat is extremely happy to be out of her carrier and back in the apartment. Hell, I am happy to be back in my apartment. I am now planning on taking another shower as I was unable to finish my last shower due the fire alarm malfunction.

I do not have much more to say as I don’t want to get myself angry as I am frustrated at the moment due to the situation mentioned in this post. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Peace Out, World!!!

A Post on What I Have Planned for Today

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is a beautiful Saturday here in Seattle. I love it when the weather is sunny and going to be in the 70’s. Seattle is a lovely city no matter the type of weather but when it is sunny and the weather is 70 or above then it is that much more prettier.

Today is my dad’s birthday. He turns 63 today. Of course my grandpa and two uncles will be celebrating my dad’s birthday with my dad. My dad doesn’t really care much for family gatherings yet if we don’t celebrate his birthday he tends to be disappointed. I love my dad dearly. I am looking forward to spending time with him and my other family to celebrate my dad on his birthday.

I am glad that I am feeling better than I did on Thursday because if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be able to go to my dad’s birthday celebration as I couldn’t attend Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) group due to health reasons. Specifically, I was having some severe digestive problems that were causing me to have diarrhea but I am sure you really didn’t want to know that. I did call both of my group leaders saying I wasn’t going to attend due to not feeling well. I also called both of them a second time to get the homework for the week and neither called me back to do the homework which pisses me off because I feel like I am being punished for being sick and having some health issues. But I know they could have been busy the rest of Thursday as well as yesterday (Friday).

Before going to celebrate my dad birthday with him and other family this evening, I plan on reading. Specifically, I will be reading Yesternight by Cat Winters. I am finding the book really intriguing. I highly recommend the book. Of course I am not finished with book but so far so good which is why I would recommend the book.

I don’t have much more to say at the moment. I hope to post again later. Specifically, I hope to post my weekly check in as it is Saturday. I want to thank you for reading my blog as it greatly appreciated from my end of things. If it weren’t for you my readers and followers I don’t think I would still be blogging. Again, thank you for reading. I hope everyone has a great day and weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

Plans To Fight Off Urges To Isolate

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, once again, World!!! As depressed as I am with the urge to isolate and doing nothing, I have decided to do the opposite of how I am feeling at the moment. I know that what I am about to tell you what I am going to do may appear simple; they are not so simple for me at the moment.

The first thing I plan on doing is to take a shower. It has been exactly one week since I last took a shower. So, at the moment I feel all gross and grungy which is not a good thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if I stunk to other people because I personally think I stink.

After my shower, I plan on going to Red Robin to eat. I love Red Robin and think I should treat myself to something yummy. I usually get the Whiskey River Bar-Be-Que Burger with extra cheese and onion straws.

When I get home from Red Robin, I will do some laundry. I really need to do laundry as it has been quite some time since I have done laundry. As I do my laundry, I will be reading. Not sure if I will be reading Wonder Woman Comic Books or the novel Yesternight by Cat Winters. I most likely will end up reading both Yesternight and Wonder Woman comic books as I have two loads of laundry to do.

I also have some Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) homework I need to do for DBT group tomorrow. Homework that I should have started after group last week but didn’t. It is my own fault for procrastinating. Maybe I will do some DBT homework while doing laundry.

I do not have much else to say. I just want to say thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great day. Peace Out, World!!!

Sleepless in Seattle No More

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! As you can tell by reading this post I am not in the hospital. My therapist and I decided that the hospital would be the last resort if things continue to get worse especially in regards to sleeping. I am grateful I didn’t get hospitalized especially since I finally got some sleep last night. I did not get much sleep nor was it restful but it was sleep. I am happy that I finally got sleep but I am still worried about the increased symptoms of my mental health diagnosis.

One of the issues I am having due to my depression is not showering. I have not taken a shower in a week. In fact it has been exactly a week today since I have taken a shower. I personally think it would be easier for me to take bath but unfortunately I do not have a bathtub. For me a bath is more relaxing than shower but taking a shower is the only option I have since I do not have a bathtub in my apartment. I am more than sure that I stink and I hope to be able to get the motivation to take a shower today.

As you may know I have been reading an extremely good book by Cat Winters called Yesternight. I am really enjoying the book. I am about half way thru the book. I hope to do a book review on the book once I am done with it as I think book reviews are a great way to get an idea on what the book is about and how people liked the book.

I finally received my tax return today via direct deposit to my bank account. It came at a perfect time as I was running low on money. I owe my neighbor and an uncle some money so I am going to pay them back. Sadly, with the new tax laws I did not get as much back as I have in the past despite having more taxes being withheld from pay checks. The new tax laws sure in the hell didn’t help me nor did it help many people I know. I am just glad I got a refund because several of my friends ended up not getting one and owing the IRS which sucks shit.

Since we are discussing money, I would like to remind you about the advertisements on my blog. I have advertisements on my blog to earn some money. The only way I earn money from the advertisements is if it is clicked. Every advertisement that is clicked I earn a cent or two. I do not get paid from the advertisements till I earn one hundred dollars but thankfully each click adds up and is saved for a payout when amount hits one hundred dollars. I am only five dollars shy of the one hundred dollars. So once I get one hundred dollars I will finally get paid so I hope that you my reader will click on the ads so I can make a cent or two. Because every cent gets me that much closer to the one hundred dollar amount to get paid. It will be greatly appreciated if you my reader clicked the ads so I can earn some money.

I do not have much more to say as I do not want to repeat myself as I tend to do. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great Wednesday. Peace Out, World!!!

The Possibility of Getting Hospitalized

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I have had four days with out sleep and I am tired at fucking hell. Unfortunately, the lack of sleep and the longer I go without sleep the more the symptoms of my mental health diagnosis increases. Increased symptoms are never a good thing.

I see my therapist today and will inform him that being in the hospital might be needed at the moment considering how I have been feeling. The dissociation, lack of sleep, voices that I can only hear are coming back, suicidal thoughts and self harm urges are starting to wear and tare  on me. I also have not showered since last Wednesday (March 20th). I would prefer taking a bath over a shower but my apartment doesn’t have a bathtub but I do have a shower. So, basically my hygiene is lacking due to the fact I haven’t showered in about a week.  I am hoping he can get me straight into a psych unit verses having to go the route of the Emergency Room.

If I do get hospitalized, I have a couple of people who can take care of my cat, Lil Gertie. Lil Gertie, my cat, is my biggest worry if I get hospitalized as I don’t want her to feel like I abandoned her. I love my cat, Lil Gertie so much. I know that the people who look after Lil Gertie if I am hospitalized will do a good job.

IMG_0453

The above picture is a painting that I started and completed last night. I couldn’t sleep despite having taken an Ambien. Not sure what it exactly means but I like the painting. I hope you all enjoy it.

I do not have much to say. If you don’t see any post for a while, it is because I was put on to a psych unit. Most likely a unit without computers for patients to . I hope everyone has a good day. I am taking a backpack full of clothes and books to my therapy appointment just in case I do get hospitalized. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. If you don’t see a post from me it is most likely due to be being hospitalized.

SIDE NOTE: I WILL NOT SELF HARM NOR WILL I ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE. THAT IS WHY I AM GOING TO SEE IF MY THERAPIST CAN PUT ME INTO THE HOSPITAL.

Writing Under the Influence of Ambien

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! I am on my fourth night of not sleeping. It is getting quite frustrating not being able to sleep. If I am unable to sleep tonight, I am going to request that I get hospitalized when I see my therapist later this afternoon. The lack of sleep is not helping to decrease the symptoms of my mental health challenges. In fact the lack of sleep is increasing the symptoms of my mental health challenges and it is quite scary when the symptoms start to increase.

In fact as I am writing this I am writing under the influence of Ambien. I attempted to go to sleep but it is not making me sleepy. I wish the Ambien would make me sleepy but it is not. Ambien makes me goofy. It helps me be creative in ways I could not imagine especially when I am painting. My paintings come out extremely interesting and not sure what I am exactly attempting to express emotionally. Maybe it is everything that I am feeling emotionally or the shit I deal with in regards to my mental health challenges.

While doing my current piece of art I, of course am painting under the influence of Ambien with some pretty awesome music playing. I have a mixture of Grunge Rock and some Emo Rock. It’s quite the genre’s to be listening to while in the state of mine I am in with Ambien added on top it off with. It least I am not harming myself with the painting and listening to the music. I just wish I could get some sleep.

Speaking of sleep, I should try to get some as I am pretty sure I am done with my painting for the moment. The painting needs to dry so maybe later in the morning I can write a post about the painting and post the picture up onto my blog. Just an idea. I am really tired. The music is helping me be tired. Have a good night of sleep everyone. Peace Out, World!!!